DH family. So so upset

[sorryimwashingmyhairthatnight]

Sorry if I waffle on a little here I just feel so upset today with this situation and even stupidly have cried which I know is ridiculous.

For context I'm quite a quiet non confrontational person and DH always tells me I should stand my ground more. Over the last 14 years I have been with DH his siblings (DH is the eldest) have lived with us, we have lent them money, we have had many good times but also lots of bad times and bad behaviour from them. I have always remained neutral and out of everyone have tried to be the peace maker.

Over the last 2 years DHs siblings have done some things that to me personally I couldn't just forget about. One took a large amount of money for work he promised to do on our home(I'm talking thousands - kind of our fault we shouldn't of have him the money up front but were somehow talked into it) the other caused a huge scene at a party that was very important to us and was a really really awful night. From this point I said without apologies I couldn't forgive them and so probably childishly I did remove them from social media as i was so annoyed plus we were all pretty much NC.

A couple of years have gone by and recently DH has bumped into them and said hi occasionally but nothing more I have not seen them at all.

recently MIL is saying to DH how she misses all of them being together and she is sad about the situation but the other 2 siblings are annoyed with me and recently said they wouldn't invite us to a party they were holding due to me removing them (2 years ago and with good reason) off social media. Absolutely ridiculous I know, I don't even go on Facebook often so they aren't really missing out on things but at the time for me it was a case of out of site out of mind due to just how bad these situations were. If at any point they asked me why they were removed I could more than justify it after their behaviour.

I'm so annoyed now that MIL and BILs are now turning this on me and saying they aren't happy having me around them.

I feel like screaming, I never got an apology for the substantial amount of money we lost and a party we spent a lot of money on being ruined, but now I'm expected to apologise and accept responsibility for the face we aren't all 1 big happy family.

I'm genuinely starting to doubt myself now after yet another chat with MIL who is upset and wants me to make the effort to make things right.

I've always let people walk all over me and I won't let that happen again! Please tell me I'm right to stand my ground instead of apologising for something that was caused by them.

Sorry for going on a bit but it's really getting to me now. DH agrees with me and says im owed an apology but doesn't say this in front of MIL so she just thinks im being an awkward cow.

Oh I feel for you, I really do.
Absolutely you should not apologise - you have nothing to apologise for.
Those men have behaved disgustingly and your MIL is an absolute twat for trying to blame YOU for it.

I may also be projecting a little here - my MIL also blames me for not wanting to be around her older son, who is an absolute dickhead and has been abusive and threatening towards me, as well as having physical fights with my husband while I and my baby were in the vicinity. But somehow the reason we can't all have "happy family" moments is my fault because I can't "just move on" and forget his appalling behaviour. Never had an apology from him either, and never will - but I should just "let it go" because "faaaamily". No. Fuck off with that nonsense.

I wish your DH would stand up better for you - but no doubt he's also under emotional guilt-tripping from his mother, and they're his brothers, so it makes it harder. At least he agrees with you in private, even if he won't stand up for you - but that's small comfort if they're all ganging up on you now.

Stand your ground - THEY are in the wrong, not you.

"I'm so annoyed now that MIL and BILs are now turning this on me and saying they aren't happy having me around them."
What total arseholes! You aren't around them by your choice, so they're lying to themselves that you aren't around them by their choice? Arseholes!

"I'm genuinely starting to doubt myself now after yet another chat with MIL who is upset and wants me to make the effort to make things right."
Laugh in her face. If she says 'I'm upset', respond with 'Well I'd be upset too if one of my sons was a thieving bastard and another started a fight at a family party because he was off his tits on drugs.'

DO NOT APOLOGISE IN ANY SHAPE OR FORM. YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING TO APOLOGISE FOR, UNLIKE THEM (AND HER).

Completely off topic, but @KettrickenSmiled is the most heartwarming user name ever. -and the best last words in a book I have ever read.

Most happy to come across a fellow Hobb fan.

Then you have a DH problem.

Why is he such a wuss with his family?
Why hasn't he demanded your money back?
Why hasn't he told his mother that one of her sons is a thief?
Why didn't he confront his sibling when he ruined your party?
Why do either of you have anything to do with any of them?

I'd be having very strong words with him if he were my husband

Absolutely do not get sucked into this bullshit.

It's typical dysfunctional family behaviour. They push you out with their abuse, disrespect and downright vile behaviour, leave it hanging because they don't do remorse, apologies or recompense, then try to pull you back in with the guilt trip. Rinse and repeat. Forever!

Quite right.

So it was your personal savings that formed the bulk of the nicked money?

Fuck that for a game of soldiers, why on earth isn't your husband chasing this down? I'd be mortified if a family member did this. I'd be telling MIL and sibling that he has 30 days to pay up, or you'll pursue it through small claims court.

@sorryimwashingmyhairthatnight

I’d be telling your mil to get fucked.

oh, and I’d have gone to the police re your bil.

In fact, could that still be an option now?

This is exactly spot on!!

Over the years MiL has fallen out with both her other sons numerous times and it's got nasty. Me and DH are pretty low maintenance (no drug issues, own our home, not living in at home with mil, both work, non argumentative) where as BILs have rocky relationships, take drugs (I even suspect sell them) have both been in a lot of debt and generally cause mil more problems.

I think mil is scared of losing either of her other sons where as she know me and DH won't cause a scene or fall out. But she is pushing me at the moment. I can't back down this time I've reached my limit.

Your DH needs to back you up in front of his mother/famiy He is the reason its awkward. If he said 'Mother, I totally agree with my wife & we will not be apologising' then I suspect MIL would back off.

No apology for the miniscule act of removing them from your social media.

You and your DH are owed the money and it needs to be repaid. There is no discussion to be had until that is happening because otherwise there will be zero respect for you ever. And if you think they probably sell drugs why would you want to see them anyway?

What the actual fuck. One brother stole thousands of pounds off you-saying you gave it to him for work done is just sugar coating it, and the other broth could not control himself for a few hours at a family party and caused and actual fight and your MIL thinks you are the problem because you expect an apology, they are lucky you did not get the police/civil courts involved. Fuck your DH’s awful family.

I would say that I will forgive when he repays the money.

So in a nutshell your BIL(s) have stolen from you, caused embarrassment and upset at an important family gathering which neither have apologised for or repaid the debt and you are getting grief from them all for removing them from social media. You most definitely do not owe them an apology. I suspect your MIL is focusing on you to try and mend this situation as she senses you could be the weakest link here and will give in.

This sounds so disfuncional. I suggest your DH gets a grip deals with his MIL and explains what the real problem is (which is not social media). If it is for reasons I cannot fathom you could always create a second 'family' FB page and just have them on there with constant reminders about money owed and photos from the ruined occasion.

Has any attempt ever been made to get the money back? For me, that would be the major issue here.

For those wondering about the money situation.

Start of lockdown me and DH decide to use our savings to landscape the garden. Completely change it. We weren't able to get any landscape gardeners out due to lockdown and once lockdown eased they were all so busy. BIL works in construction and for weeks on end rang and called around mithering us to let him do it. He has done some jobs before which were well done and he had good reviews. We agreed, gave him a big chunk up front as he wanted to get all materials and start straight away. One week in we were worried, it was quite a specific thing we wanted And even though he assured us he had done it before seemed to be struggling. He basically dug the whole thing up, just a huge drop from the back door and then mud. Totally unusable, then told us he couldn't finish it as he had 'bit off more than he could chew' and when we asked about the money he said it was all gone. We gave him 9k and were left with a huge mud pit for the whole of the summer. We didn't even have the money to correct this. He disappeared for a couple weeks then ended up back at mils. Made up a story that we were putting him under stress and that he spent all the money on getting it dug up (9k?!?!) we even rang the digger company who told it was £900 for the day. Anyway I couldn't bare to be around him and he had avoided me like the plague. I'm not good in aggressive situations and bil can be quite intimidating so I just stayed away. DH has slowly let on to him more. He is angry about the money but doesn't want to upset his mum who he loves. It's a big mess and I just wonder how I ended up in this situation. I'm in the wrong for removing him off Facebook after he did that to us.

Sorry to say it, but I don't think your DH is THAT supportive of you, when he's not defending you in public

Quite.

otherwise just grey rock her and forget about them. Who cares if you aren’t invited to their stupid party, and why would you want to be in contact with them?

I’d be heading to the small claims court for the money owed! Please say you have a paper trail for this theft!

The rest I wouldn’t give head space to. If you have to see MIL I would shut down any conversation about the BIL’s.

Honestly OP you do just need to step away from all this. Just get on with your life and ignore them - they all sound awful.

id just say very firmly it’ll be a cold day in hell when I apologise it’s a firm hell no !! . Absolutely ridiculous to be annoyed with you for removing from social media when they’ve stolen money and ruined your party . Some people are like that try to find something that they can be annoyed at to try and divert the attention from what they’ve done , I’m assuming you’ve had no apology?.
I think like someone else said up thread it’s because your seen as the more easier maybe a soft touch or she thinks your more reasonable to approach as to admit her son is a twat isn’t easy .
I think your issue is to talk to your dh that you both need to show a united front and I’d actually be really upset with him talking to your bil after what’s happened he’s your dh and he needs to support you.

This is what you wrote in your OP

"For context I'm quite a quiet non confrontational person and DH always tells me I should stand my ground more. Over the last 14 years I have been with DH his siblings (DH is the eldest) have lived with us, we have lent them money, we have had many good times but also lots of bad times and bad behaviour from them....."

Are/were they living with you, and if so why - if MIL is so eager to fuss over them.

Just curious, as you have not mentioned this aspect since (I think!).

Either way I would not keep company or communications with them anymore. The money is gone, and the party was ruined. Forget it.

I think your DH is the biggest problem here. He needs to grow a pair.

Years ago before we had children they would often get kicked out of mils or their girlfriends and be on our sofa for weeks. This hasn't happened in the last 4 years. Not sure why I mentioned it really probably to try show we have tried our best with them.

ASo your BIL blatantly stole roughly £9000 from you to buy a car, go on holiday, etc and your husband, his brother, didn't say anything so as not to upset his mother?

And your inlaws ruined your anniversary party and again, your husband didn't say anything?

FFS. You have a husband problem. You really do. He can't have your back in private and not with his mother and family. That's not actually having your back and standing up for you and himself.

Make it clear to your husband that you are not forgiving them until the money is addressed and apologies are made to both of you. And that he has to tell his mother this. Firmly.

@Fallingirl well met!

There are 1 or 2 others about, it's always a bonus encountering one of the Lesser Spotted Hobb Fans 😁