Posting in AIBU for traffic and advice - I'm absolutely certain AINBU. NC'd for this as it could be outing. Apologies that there's some background to this.
DW has 3 siblings, BIL1, BIL2 and SIL. Very close family, I get on well with everyone but BIL1 and BIL2 live abroad (in different countries from each other). MIL has always preferenced BILs as the golden children and SIL and DW were never prioritised - I think MIL potentially just prefers men because she's very similar with me and SIL's husband too (treats us as her surrogate sons etc).
DW is pregnant. She's had a seriously bad pregnancy with HG and other complications, spent a lot of time in hospital, on a lot of medication etc. She's been told she'll probably need to be induced at 38/39 weeks. She's now well into her 3rd trimester, and still weighs over a stone less than when we conceived (and she wasn't exactly huge to start with), and she's also in a wheelchair now (which has been really tough because she was very athletic before). To add stress to the situation, our house sale has been delayed and delayed and we're now scheduled to complete just 2 weeks before the due date.
BIL1 and his girlfriend have struggled TTC and are going through IVF. As a result, DW and I were told that we're not allowed to mention the pregnancy at all because it'll upset them - as far as we know, this message hasn't come from BIL1 or the girlfriend, but has been enforced by SIL and MIL. This means my wife has been in and out of hospital, really struggling and in a horrible place with no support from her family because they won't even discuss the pregnancy. No one talks about names or her bump or how anything is progressing. DW and I have both found this really isolating and difficult. For around the last six months, MIL has been trying to book a holiday to go away (abroad) with us and SIL's family (husband and children) this summer. The holiday would need to be in school holiday time for the children to go and this isn't possible for us because our due date is the start of August. Every time MIL brought it up and we tried to shut the idea down, we were reminded that we're not allowed to talk about the pregnancy.
Now, BIL2 (who's single) has announced that he's coming back to the UK from mid-July to mid-August. When he first announced this, although DW is obviously excited and happy to see him, DW was apprehensive about this because she knows it means a) a lot of obligation to spend time at MIL's house (where BIL is staying) which is many hours from our hospital and b) that she won't get any support or affection or help from MIL whilst BIL is here because he's the golden child and he'll be taking up 100% of her attention. MIL had agreed to look after our DS when DW is in labour but she's now saying she probably can't. It's also being suggested/implied that BIL will be staying with us (in our new house that's a renovation job) when the baby is born so he can "bond" - which DW and I both think will just add stress. DW didn't express any of this disappointment/frustration to her family but I think it was clear from her response that she wasn't enthralled that this had all been planned with no discussion with her and that she's, yet again, not being considered by her family.
DW has now been confronted by MIL and SIL about two issues. Firstly that BIL is upset that she isn't sufficiently excited that he's coming all the way back to the UK in order to be here for the birth. Keeping in mind that, at no point, did DW ever express that she wanted him here for the birth and his return flight is for two weeks after the due date so (if they don't induce the baby) there's a chance the baby might not even be here by the time he leaves! Secondly, they're annoyed because they've now booked a family holiday abroad (that MIL has been pushing for for months) and we're expected to "pay our share". It's booked from 3 days after the due date so, even if the baby is induced at 38 weeks (which is the earliest that they've said they'll induce) then the baby will only be two weeks old! The journey, door-to-door, will take over 12 hours to get to the resort. I tried pointing out that we wouldn't have a passport for the baby but they just sent links for how to pay lots for an on-the-day appointment. I then said that we don't have the capacity for a holiday at that time and that it's not feasible for us and now MIL and SIL are furious because we're ruining everything and apparently BIL is really upset that we're not going to be spending any time with him and he was really looking forward to this holiday.
The difficulty is that DW relies on SIL and MIL for support and friendship and she's really struggling being so isolated from them in this pregnancy. I'm prepared to be the bad guy who puts his foot down and says we cannot go but, unfortunately, they aren't accepting that I'm capable of locking DW up against her will - and DW doesn't want to cause a rift. It's also being thrown back in our face that when DS was six days old we travelled for a family wedding on my side (but that was, to my mind, different because the wedding was planned before the pregnancy, it was only a four hour journey each way, it wasn't abroad and the B&G were fully prepared for us to play it by ear and see if DW could make it - there was no pressure). As far as I'm concerned, my ILs are being completely unreasonable but DW would like to just smooth it all over.
Thank you and well done to those who managed to read this far.