AIBU - BIL visiting

[Switchin]

Posting in AIBU for traffic and advice - I'm absolutely certain AINBU. NC'd for this as it could be outing. Apologies that there's some background to this.

DW has 3 siblings, BIL1, BIL2 and SIL. Very close family, I get on well with everyone but BIL1 and BIL2 live abroad (in different countries from each other). MIL has always preferenced BILs as the golden children and SIL and DW were never prioritised - I think MIL potentially just prefers men because she's very similar with me and SIL's husband too (treats us as her surrogate sons etc).

DW is pregnant. She's had a seriously bad pregnancy with HG and other complications, spent a lot of time in hospital, on a lot of medication etc. She's been told she'll probably need to be induced at 38/39 weeks. She's now well into her 3rd trimester, and still weighs over a stone less than when we conceived (and she wasn't exactly huge to start with), and she's also in a wheelchair now (which has been really tough because she was very athletic before). To add stress to the situation, our house sale has been delayed and delayed and we're now scheduled to complete just 2 weeks before the due date.

BIL1 and his girlfriend have struggled TTC and are going through IVF. As a result, DW and I were told that we're not allowed to mention the pregnancy at all because it'll upset them - as far as we know, this message hasn't come from BIL1 or the girlfriend, but has been enforced by SIL and MIL. This means my wife has been in and out of hospital, really struggling and in a horrible place with no support from her family because they won't even discuss the pregnancy. No one talks about names or her bump or how anything is progressing. DW and I have both found this really isolating and difficult. For around the last six months, MIL has been trying to book a holiday to go away (abroad) with us and SIL's family (husband and children) this summer. The holiday would need to be in school holiday time for the children to go and this isn't possible for us because our due date is the start of August. Every time MIL brought it up and we tried to shut the idea down, we were reminded that we're not allowed to talk about the pregnancy.

Now, BIL2 (who's single) has announced that he's coming back to the UK from mid-July to mid-August. When he first announced this, although DW is obviously excited and happy to see him, DW was apprehensive about this because she knows it means a) a lot of obligation to spend time at MIL's house (where BIL is staying) which is many hours from our hospital and b) that she won't get any support or affection or help from MIL whilst BIL is here because he's the golden child and he'll be taking up 100% of her attention. MIL had agreed to look after our DS when DW is in labour but she's now saying she probably can't. It's also being suggested/implied that BIL will be staying with us (in our new house that's a renovation job) when the baby is born so he can "bond" - which DW and I both think will just add stress. DW didn't express any of this disappointment/frustration to her family but I think it was clear from her response that she wasn't enthralled that this had all been planned with no discussion with her and that she's, yet again, not being considered by her family.

DW has now been confronted by MIL and SIL about two issues. Firstly that BIL is upset that she isn't sufficiently excited that he's coming all the way back to the UK in order to be here for the birth. Keeping in mind that, at no point, did DW ever express that she wanted him here for the birth and his return flight is for two weeks after the due date so (if they don't induce the baby) there's a chance the baby might not even be here by the time he leaves! Secondly, they're annoyed because they've now booked a family holiday abroad (that MIL has been pushing for for months) and we're expected to "pay our share". It's booked from 3 days after the due date so, even if the baby is induced at 38 weeks (which is the earliest that they've said they'll induce) then the baby will only be two weeks old! The journey, door-to-door, will take over 12 hours to get to the resort. I tried pointing out that we wouldn't have a passport for the baby but they just sent links for how to pay lots for an on-the-day appointment. I then said that we don't have the capacity for a holiday at that time and that it's not feasible for us and now MIL and SIL are furious because we're ruining everything and apparently BIL is really upset that we're not going to be spending any time with him and he was really looking forward to this holiday.

The difficulty is that DW relies on SIL and MIL for support and friendship and she's really struggling being so isolated from them in this pregnancy. I'm prepared to be the bad guy who puts his foot down and says we cannot go but, unfortunately, they aren't accepting that I'm capable of locking DW up against her will - and DW doesn't want to cause a rift. It's also being thrown back in our face that when DS was six days old we travelled for a family wedding on my side (but that was, to my mind, different because the wedding was planned before the pregnancy, it was only a four hour journey each way, it wasn't abroad and the B&G were fully prepared for us to play it by ear and see if DW could make it - there was no pressure). As far as I'm concerned, my ILs are being completely unreasonable but DW would like to just smooth it all over.

Thank you and well done to those who managed to read this far.

Some reading for you:

The Lemon Clot Essay
community.babycenter.com/post/a29842181/the_lemon_clot_essay-_if_you_are_planning_to_have_people_over_after_birth_you_need_to_read_this

Don't Rock the Boat
community.babycenter.com/post/a73920524/dont-rock-the-boat

They have isolated your wife since she was a child. Her mother and sister are not her friends. They are part of the crew that keep narcissistic mother 'happy'. Your wife will never win. She is the family scapegoat. The harder she tries the more they will be disappointed. The sister will try to real her back in as without your dw the attention will turn on her.

Your wife needs you to stand up for her. And to stand for her now. She is currently unable to do so. Not just for the impacts of the pregnancy but because of the impacts of years of this family dynamic.

Do you have friends with wife's who could help or sisters/cousins who could befriend your wife and help her? Your wife needs new friends and she needs to know that friends are allowed. Because currently she doesn't believe she is worthy of friends and that anyone who befriends her is wrong because the family say so.

Wow your wife has grown up in this abusive toxic family and she has been made to feel like they are doing nothing wrong and have conditioned her to this behaviour,

she is pregnant , having a hard time and isn’t allowed to talk about it all. How disgusting!

you need to stand up for her and your children.

Remember; 'No, is a complete sentence'. Say nothing more and don't engage.
You may find it strangely liberating.

I would suggest you ask your MiL for a serious chat. She clearly doesn't listen to her daughter, so you need to speak for her.

Tell her you're really concerned about your wife, she's not at all well, and you are worried about how well she will be when the baby is born. You are worried about how you will be able to cope with everything, that she'll need time to rebuild her strength.
Tell her that your wife, child and newborn will need all your attention, and that you won't be able to travel anywhere or host anyone as they will need so much care, and that you have no idea when the baby will arrive or how well baby and mum will be. There is no time scale, you can't possibly plan.

Lay it on thick, as they obviously don't understand the obvious.
Stress the uncertainty- you just don't know when this baby will arrive or how healthy wife will be afterward.

Don't engage in anything else. Use the broken record technique.

It's lovely the rest of the family will be catching up, we'll be concentrating on getting the new mum healthy again as soon as she's allowed out of hospital.
I'm sure you'll all have a lovely holiday. We'll be staying home, building up her strength.
When wife and baby are out of hospital, if all goes well, we'll need some time to recover so we'll be staying close to home.
She's been so very poorly, we'll need to stay here and help her recover but you and the rest of the family must make the most of his visit.

Here’s the time to get your midwife involved. Make her the “bad guy” if you need to. Ask her to outline in a letter a summary of your DWs current condition, likely issues with needing to induce, impact of birth on her body immediately afterwards given her current immobility, likely issues with travel immediately after north given her current physical condition etc. Forward it to MIL and state that as DW’s husband it would be irresponsible of you to allow the holiday etc to go ahead. I’d also be tempted to say that you appreciate the need for sensitivity in not mentioning the pregnancy, but that doesn’t negate the fact that the pregnancy is making your wife extremely unwell.

She doesn't like failing and she's feeling like she's failed here because she's saying she can't do something - and that's upsetting other people.

Upsetting the people who don't like her having boundaries, such as they are.

She's not failing, she's suffering the effects of their abuse.

How about changing it from can't to WON'T?

Narc BIL likes to invite us to things we can’t go to. Then he can go round and tell people what terrible people we are for not turning up.
He tried to make me travel hundreds of miles 1 day after I gave birth because his wife had done that. She hasn’t, she had C sections and was in hospital for many days. But he got to go round and tell everyone how awful and difficult we were.

Thats what they want. You to pay. Not go and slag you all off.

Does BIL struggling to conceive want to go on holiday with a newborn and does other BIL want to stay in a house with one? Weird.

Your DW is worried about how they will react if you stand up to them as a couple, and she's worried about how she will cope if she has to go along with all the bat crap crazy stuff they are demanding.

On the basis that she's anxious either way, go for the option that has any positive outcomes at all, and put your foot down.

DW needs your support. She may want her family's approval (which IMHO she'll never get) but she needs your support.

No to the holiday.
No to hosting overnight guests for the time being.

If they are nice people apart from this, it will be a wake up call for them. If they are not nice people and this is truly who they are, your DW is better off staying at some distance from them, at least while she has the baby and recovers from the pregnancy and birth.

I wish you both well.

Tell them all to fuck if to the far side of fuck!
What a bunch of absolute arseholes.

Don’t let your precious little daughter be brought into such a toxic environment or relationships! She will suffer, just as her mother suffers due to it. You know about what is going on/how they treat your DW - how can you, in all good conscience - allow your DD to have to go through such poison too?

My 78 year old father has a phrase.

'Tell 'em,... Fuck 'em'.

This is the time to use it.

I'm sorry.

Your wife is being bullied by these people to the point that I worry about hers and the babies health.

ask her to list all these issues/demands down and review them. If this was a friend what would she be advising?

as for mil and sil bring ok normally - I bet that’s only because your DW doesn’t rock the boat and is the people pleaser.

the demands of holidays, bil staying with you, no support etc are showing their true colours as to what happens when you displease them.

go low contact.

your wife needs to start finding better support network and friends. I suggest when baby is born she tries herself into baby groups etc.

If your DW is wheelchair bound due to HG she will most certainly need time to regain her strength after the birth.

You need to be strong for her just now. NO we will not be having a house guest, NO we will not be going on holiday or indeed paying a share for a holiday we didn’t agree to in the first place and NO we won’t be at MIL’s lots to see BIL as DW needs her rest - feel free to visit for a cup of tea!

No fucking way to the lot of them. While they might have their good points, the toxic part can't be ignored and is likely to be escalated as you witness your DC being treated differently by your MIL's misogyny. I wouldn't want my children exposed to this. Your DW's inclusion in the family is contingent on her towing the line and facilitating the nonsense. It's all a house of cards built on guilt and fear.

Normally I'm in favour of women solving their own problems but in your case I agree it all needs to come from you. Your poor DW is too conditioned by her family to say No to them so you need to do it for her, make it very plain that nobody is staying and the holiday is a ridiculous idea.
Once the baby is a bit older, please get your DW to a therapist if you can, it will be hard for her but she needs to see her family in a clearer light.
I know someone like your MIL, she idolizes her sons but still expects her daughters to be constantly available to the point of resenting anyone outside the family taking their time. They're never allowed to be proper adults with their own friends or lives.
It will be hard but you'd be doing a great thing for your DW

Pretty sure most airlines don't accept newborns less than 14 days old anyway

Firstly that BIL is upset that she isn't sufficiently excited that he's coming all the way back to the UK in order to be here for the birth.

I mean it's possible that that has come form MIL & not BIL.

If it's from BIL-who can be bothered with such a self absorbed twat & if it's MIL then it just shows how little she thinks of her daughter.

It's just so ridiculous & sad for your wife.

They are not close!

Close family who care don't treat people the way they're treating your wife.

Look up FOG

Get this moved to Relationships and hope that Attila the Meerkat appears. She'll sort you!

The only way in the long run is to cut them out. Seriously they are utterly awful people but your wife can't see that yet

I'm guessing you're a same sex couple. Could there be a touch of homophobia going on here? Certainly sounds like it.

By the way, your baby can't travel abroad before he/she has had their jabs anyway?

No to the holiday, no to hosting BIL and arrange someone else to look after DS asap. It's bizarre and cruel of MIL and SIL to offer no support at all during such a difficult pregnancy.

Could you say that your DW's doctor has advised her not to travel for the immediate weeks after birth? A little white lie perhaps, but justified under the circumstances.

I'm pretty certain OP is also female due to her saying that MIL favours BIL1 & BIL2. If male then surely there would also be an element of favouritism towards OP?

Your post has made me angry on behalf of you and your DW. Your MIL has everything all wrapped up hasn't she. She controls all communication between your extended family. For example, who told your single BIL your wife wasn't overly thrilled about his visit ? Probably in order tomake your wife feel guilty enough to give in to her"suggestions"
There's so much more I'd love to say but you already know most of what I'd say.

If its difficult to get your MIL to listen, send her a letter. ,keep a photocopy of it (I know, old fashioned but so is she). You don't need to burn any bridges but let her know that your priority is your wife and children, how unwell she has been and how delicate she now is. That you will not be going on that particular holiday, that her brother will not be staying with you although welcome to visit before AND after the birth and that although you'd like to stay on good terms that will become increasingly difficult if she continues to belittle/disrespect/ neglect her daughters needs.
And (kindly) tell your wife to communicate with her siblings on her own , she doesn't need to have her mothers spin applied to everything

Good luck to you and your family in this new chapter in your lives 💐

Another vote for this!!

As much as I hate the idea of 'the big strong man must take over from the poor little woman', because we can fight our own battles thank you very much, I'm afraid this is necessary in your case since your DW is endangering herself and the baby by not putting her own foot down.

You cannot control whether or not your DW actually cuts contact with her family. All you can do is control what you can and cut contact yourself. And that means no facilitating/paying for a holiday. No driving hither and thither. And no to hosting BiL, even if you have to tell DW that if she insist on him staying at yours, you and your children will not be there. Tell her that you will take 100% of the blame and she is free to say "Switchin won't let me" (just typing it makes me shudder) to all their demands. If they are all as 'male-orientated' as it appears, that should be an unanswerable argument.

There is only ONE time in our married life that my DH has 'taken control' of a situation in that way. At the time I was furious, but once the situation was resolved I realized that he was seeing the situation much more clearly than I was and that he'd done the right thing. So you do what you must to protect her and your family.

I'd also try to find ways to facilitate your DW getting support from other sources. Encourage her to join groups, see friends, and (if appropriate) get support from the women in your family. Be prepared to be her sole source of support at least for awhile. You're asking her to give up the support she knows, you need to be prepared to help her though that.

I think this is one of those rare occasions when your wife will need you to step in and advocate for her. Make sure she's on board with it first.

You tell MIL that, had she allowed you both to talk about the pregnancy, she'd know how bad it's been.
You tell her what you are doing and what you are not. These are decisions you've both made for the health and wellbeing of your family and they are welcome to fit in around those plans, or make their own without involving you.

What do the midwife and doctors think of all this? I would run it by them and see if they advise strongly against it, as I think they will.