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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel taken advantage of

118 replies

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:00

hello,

I guess just some perspective needed. My partner and myself share 3 young children, 3 year old and 1 year old twins. Both work full time, children in daycare 2 days a week and the other 3 at home with me and I work flexible hours around them, early mornings and then the evenings.

I just feel like I never get a break and this weekend has just tipped me. I feel taken advantage of. My partner said he was going out yesterday to watch the liverpool game (he doesnt support either team btw) but said it wasnt that kind of night, went out at 5 to get food with his friends and then watch the game then home.

I said okay that's fine, so I do bed time for all 3 kids and then head up myself around 10ish assuming he will be home soon. he didn't come in until 4am. no idea where he went and I dont really care about that either. what I do care about is he is currently recovering in bed. I have been awake since 5am with all 3 children and will now have to find something to do by myself for the day as he will be useless all day now.

I wouldn't probably mind so much if this was a one off or if i got the same opportunity to let my hair down once in a while but I never do. he seems to be able to do what he wants, when he wants and can totally forget that he has 3 young children.

I suppose Aibu to feel taken advantage of as he knows full well I will pick up the slack every time

OP posts:
Original poster
lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:00

he is going away to a festival next weekend too

OP posts:
Poppyblush · 29/05/2022 07:08

Why are you married to him?

im not sure how you can do a full days work, 3 days a week, from home with kids this age. Can’t you go part time?

Blarting · 29/05/2022 07:11

Open the bedroom door, put children in the room, close bedroom door and go out for the day.

Enjoy your day off and the sun is shining here, so hopefully will be shining where you are,

Original poster
lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:12

I work from home, I get up at 4 and do 2 hours in the morning (today was unfortunate that the kids got up at 5, it's usually 6 but lucky me today!) then I do my last 5 hours in the evening, usually finishing at 11.

I'm not sure tbh, I guess lockdown where he couldnt go out his this kind of behaviour when we had the children.

it annoys me because his family all believe he is an amazing dad because he plays the part at family events etc. when the reality is he does half jobs at most.

I'm just exhausted.

OP posts:
coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 07:12

I would be waking him up and making him sort the children, tbh.

Nothing wrong with staying out late or having a night out, but it doesn't mean you can also opt out the next day.

Leave him with the kids and go out for a nice leisurely brunch!

Original poster
lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:13

hid*

OP posts:
Sova · 29/05/2022 07:13

Of course he is taking advantage of you!

YetAnotherNam · 29/05/2022 07:15

Blarting · 29/05/2022 07:11

Open the bedroom door, put children in the room, close bedroom door and go out for the day.

Enjoy your day off and the sun is shining here, so hopefully will be shining where you are,

I was going to post the same.

coffeecupsandfairylights · 29/05/2022 07:15

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:12

I work from home, I get up at 4 and do 2 hours in the morning (today was unfortunate that the kids got up at 5, it's usually 6 but lucky me today!) then I do my last 5 hours in the evening, usually finishing at 11.

I'm not sure tbh, I guess lockdown where he couldnt go out his this kind of behaviour when we had the children.

it annoys me because his family all believe he is an amazing dad because he plays the part at family events etc. when the reality is he does half jobs at most.

I'm just exhausted.

How on earth is that sustainable?

You're exhausted because you're managing on 4-5 hours sleep at night and waking up at the crack of dawn.

You need more childcare so you can work proper hours and get some proper sleep.

Whooshaagh · 29/05/2022 07:17

Well your dh is not a team player.
What a selfish arsehole.

You need to leave him with all 3 dc on his own for at least 10 hours.

Original poster
lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:18

I can cope with it 3 days a week atm as I have weekends off and work normal hours the other 2 days but yeah I am extremely tired come Friday and then situations like this where a certain person rolls in at 4am and hides in bed all day doesnt help at all

OP posts:
Redouble · 29/05/2022 07:18

Blarting · 29/05/2022 07:11

Open the bedroom door, put children in the room, close bedroom door and go out for the day.

Enjoy your day off and the sun is shining here, so hopefully will be shining where you are,

Absolutely this.

Penguinsaregreat · 29/05/2022 07:19

Yanbu at all.
How on earth does he expect to go to a festival when he has 3 very young children?
You need to put your foot down.
Start booking events for yourself and leave him with the kids, see how he likes it.

Mix56 · 29/05/2022 07:19

He went out, he got bladdered.... Fine.
Adults then carry on, with or without the hangover. He has responsibilities.
I would wake him up, with coffee, hand him the 3 children, leave for the day with a sweet smile.
First & last time he will play that shit.
Go to a hotel/ friend/ family & sleep.
Turn your phone off

Moodycow78 · 29/05/2022 07:20

Why are you letting him stay in bed all day? I've got twins too and at this stage I'd be putting them in bed with daddy and going out for brunch (well in about an hour it's still a bit early) x

ChristineCagney11 · 29/05/2022 07:21

Klaxon horn in his face, then tell him you're leaving HIS children with him, don't ask just announce then go out.
It's a beautiful day and you need to put yourself first.

TheLadyDIdGood · 29/05/2022 07:22

You need to have 3 days childcare and make plans from next Friday night to be away for the whole weekend. I'm sorry but he doesn't get to have two weekends off in a trot. Or divorce him and he gets the kids every weekend so you can have permanent time off.

newbiename · 29/05/2022 07:24

TheLadyDIdGood · 29/05/2022 07:22

You need to have 3 days childcare and make plans from next Friday night to be away for the whole weekend. I'm sorry but he doesn't get to have two weekends off in a trot. Or divorce him and he gets the kids every weekend so you can have permanent time off.

Unfortunately this sort of idiot wouldn't have them every weekend.

RestingPandaFace · 29/05/2022 07:25

He’s only able to hide as you’re facilitating him.

Wake him up with a coffee, and tell him he needs to get up as you are going out shortly, then go!

It doesn’t matter what you do, go for a swim, mooch round the shops and have lunch, go to your mums for a sleep, visit a friend.

Uf he has the cheek to say anything remind him that you had all three yesterday evening and again next weekend.

If he won’t offer you space and child-free time you need to take it.

daretodenim · 29/05/2022 07:40

OP I wonder if you feel like you have to be there for your children because he's not/is far less so. If you feel that leaving them in his care when he's tired and hung over wouldn't be very nice to him but also, the kids may suffer, so you just leave him be? Or if you think that if he's alone with the kids all day then you'll just come back to a mess which means more work for you to tidy up later, so you seethe silently and just get on with it? Or if you think that he doesn't know the kids' routines so it would all just be a disaster?

If so, you'd be joining a million - millions(!) - of other women out there. It's not unusual.

However, your DH is a father and he has 50% of the responsibilities and if he's not voluntarily taking on his responsibilities for them, he won't suddenly step up to the plate. Think about it, he gets to do his job u disturbed, come home and be away from his job, having a break/change of scene before the next day and he gets weekends away/out when he fancies. It's a cushy setup. Many people don't easily give a cushy deal up. But he has no god-given right to this set up from the moment he became a father.

You have a right to a break - or you will break. You have a right to some time off. And you actually need it, especially before he goes away next weekend.

The kids also have a right to some time alone with Daddy and he has a right - as well as a duty - to learn how to parent himself. The kids also have a right to spending time with a mother who isn't shattered.

You would be doing an act of kindness to all of you today to leave the children with him and recharge your batteries. It's not mean, unkind, selfish, petty or unfair. It's pragmatic.

Original poster
lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:44

@daretodenim yes he is dead to the world when he is hungover and I would feel sorry for my children and would worry when out that they were being left in an unsafe situation :(

I totally agree with you about the cushy situation but I get shouted down by him and his family when I try to bring it up. their dad was even worse so the bar is low and they genuinely see it as because he doesnt do it every weekend it's fine. his mum said to me once I was lucky he changed our sons dirty nappy because a lot of men dont

OP posts:
BendingSpoons · 29/05/2022 07:51

So you basically work 8 days in the week (Mon to Fri) and then do the bulk of the weekend childcare too. YADNBU. The issue is how you change the situation. I also wonder what he is doing in the week. He should be getting up at 5.30 to get ready for work so he can look after the children from waking until he leaves for work. That way you could probably work until 8am or so, whenever he needs to leave. And take over with the children when he gets home. I suspect he doesn't do this.

Original poster
lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:58

he does half jobs, so I will run the kids bath and I will have to ask can you sit with the kids in the bathroom whilst I quickly tidy up downstairs, or I will give them all a cup of warm milk before bed and then he might carry them up to their beds.

but only after he has come home, had a long leisurely bath himself, eaten dinner etc. but that is honestly the extent of his parenting.

doesnt do dinners, doesn't wash their clothes, doesnt take them out on his own. certainly never offers to either, claims he has "tried" to give me lay ins but the twins have "cried for you"

OP posts:
BackToTheTop · 29/05/2022 08:12

I've just posted on another thread that these nights are good for people but only if the other party gets the same opportunity to go out and lay in bed the following day. Sounds like you don't.

Tell him, when he's up, that he now does the the lions share of child rearing for the next few days so you can have some deserved rest and sleep? Don't get up early to work, have a lie in for the next few days and he can sort the dc out.

Blarting · 29/05/2022 08:18

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:58

he does half jobs, so I will run the kids bath and I will have to ask can you sit with the kids in the bathroom whilst I quickly tidy up downstairs, or I will give them all a cup of warm milk before bed and then he might carry them up to their beds.

but only after he has come home, had a long leisurely bath himself, eaten dinner etc. but that is honestly the extent of his parenting.

doesnt do dinners, doesn't wash their clothes, doesnt take them out on his own. certainly never offers to either, claims he has "tried" to give me lay ins but the twins have "cried for you"

Well that's all ridiculous and TBH I'm not sure how this ever happened. He has a long leisurely bath and dinner before children are in bed?

How did he start doing this and not be told day 1 since at least the twins arrived that he needed to help out and no time was "his" until children were in bed?

I'm not sure how anyone coped alone with what would've been twin newborns and a two year old?

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