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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to feel taken advantage of

118 replies

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:00

hello,

I guess just some perspective needed. My partner and myself share 3 young children, 3 year old and 1 year old twins. Both work full time, children in daycare 2 days a week and the other 3 at home with me and I work flexible hours around them, early mornings and then the evenings.

I just feel like I never get a break and this weekend has just tipped me. I feel taken advantage of. My partner said he was going out yesterday to watch the liverpool game (he doesnt support either team btw) but said it wasnt that kind of night, went out at 5 to get food with his friends and then watch the game then home.

I said okay that's fine, so I do bed time for all 3 kids and then head up myself around 10ish assuming he will be home soon. he didn't come in until 4am. no idea where he went and I dont really care about that either. what I do care about is he is currently recovering in bed. I have been awake since 5am with all 3 children and will now have to find something to do by myself for the day as he will be useless all day now.

I wouldn't probably mind so much if this was a one off or if i got the same opportunity to let my hair down once in a while but I never do. he seems to be able to do what he wants, when he wants and can totally forget that he has 3 young children.

I suppose Aibu to feel taken advantage of as he knows full well I will pick up the slack every time

OP posts:

12yearsinazkaban · 29/05/2022 13:16

YetAnotherNam · 29/05/2022 07:15

I was going to post the same.

Show quote history

I think I had one drink with a child and had to deal with the hangover and the responsibilities the next day and it put me off for life. didn't drink again for what? 7 years? He needs to the experience of having a banging headache with kids screaming around him

don't forget to bring him a pint of water to help with rehydration to pour on his head if he won't wake up

LittleOwl153 · 29/05/2022 13:38

sunlight81 · 29/05/2022 12:55

This is my life. 3yo and 1yo twins with a twat of a hubby who is sometimes very selfish.

To combat this I have upped my hours to full time 9-5 in the week. We can't afford it but it's the mental break I need so I can do everything else.

I have also mentally detached myself from him. He's now a housemate, extra pair of hands, a boarder who helps pay the mortgage.

When the kids are easier we will either have marriage counselling and stay together or split. At the moment the mental load is so great I can't go through a divorce, but I am 100% done.

I think sunlight has a decent plan if divorce is too much to handle right now (I get that!)

You are flogging your guts out to keep him in a manner he has become accustomed and handling the kids too.

STOP. JUST STOP.

Your own work and your children are your priority. Forget him he is not going to help in anyway. He's SPECIAL - even his mother has told him and you so.

So stop doing anything for him. Cook at lunchtime for you and the kids so you can do picnic / sandwich in the evening. He can deal with himself. Stop doing his washing, ironing etc just leave him to it. He is a housemate from now on. (I doubt you have the energy for sex anyway!)

I'd keep an eye on the finances so that he doesn't screw your budget with these trips and takeaway food. If he can afford to do all these trips then you can afford an extra day at least in nursery... separate the finances if you can so he isn't spending 'your moneybox his selfish pursuits.

However I would book a break the weekend after the festival. Assuming the twins at least are trapped in cots I would leave before they wake on Saturday and leave him to it for the weekend. Get some rest. Catch up on sleep and get your head together for what is to come.

Maybe after a few weeks of housemates and a weekend solo parenting he will rethink? If not you are nearer to separating completely.

Original poster

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 13:45

drpet49 · 29/05/2022 13:15

Well you’ve allowed and enabled him to carry
on with this behaviour so you have no one but yourself to blame.

yes quite probably but it's quite hard to see that when his family act like it's normal. you almost start doubting yourself but I've opened my eyes to it in the last few months and dont wish to be a doormat anymore.

although I have to say I hate the you have yourself to blame for his behaviour comment - I havent done myself any favours no by not standing up already but I dont feel responsible for his behaviour. he is an adult who makes his own choices

OP posts:

Blowthemandown · 29/05/2022 13:47

Just because that’s his and his parents’ idea of parenting doesn’t trump your view. You either have to force a change here (go out yourself) or you have to part company or you put up with it. Or stop working and be a full time Mum where ‘your job is child care’. You can’t let him have it both ways while you run yourself into the ground!

BalloonsAndWhistles · 29/05/2022 13:54

My ex-husband used to be like this and it was a real pet hate. Thinking about it, it’s one of the reasons he’s now an ex 😆 It always seems to be the blokes who think it’s fine to just leave ‘good old Mum’ to do everything while they’re off with their mates. It’s just not acceptable OP.

HermioneKipper · 29/05/2022 14:26

What! This is utterly outrageous behaviour from him.

I have 3 children too including twins and when they were tiny it was all hands on deck. We also had a pact that we didn’t leave eachother with all 3 unless it was avoidable. And when it was relentless, one only went out after bedtime.

I can’t believe he’s doing this to you - it’s so unfair.

you need to sit down and have a serious chat with him and talk about a proper share of responsibilities and that you need a break or you’ll crack.

what a selfish man

HermioneKipper · 29/05/2022 14:31

*unless it was unavoidable

TalkingCat · 29/05/2022 14:43

YANBU. Have you tried to talk to him? Explained to him you're thinking of leaving if he doesn't change and step up as a father?

Phobiaphobic · 29/05/2022 14:55

I'm glad you're making plans to leave. Your husband doesn't give a shit about you, and you're right, he probably won't change. You could try giving him an ultimatum, I suppose, but good luck with that.

Booklover3 · 29/05/2022 14:56

What you enable persists…

im glad you are making plans to leave him

Poppinjay · 29/05/2022 14:59

I havent done myself any favours no by not standing up already but I dont feel responsible for his behaviour. he is an adult who makes his own choices

Exactly! He is an adult who is making poor decisions. It is not your responsibility to teach him how to treat you with respect and consideration. If he cared about you, he would just do it automatically.

Spohn · 29/05/2022 15:00

Oh wow, you really fucked up by picking this bloke. Pretty embarrassing, but can be rectified by divorcing the prick.

Original poster

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 15:21

Spohn · 29/05/2022 15:00

Oh wow, you really fucked up by picking this bloke. Pretty embarrassing, but can be rectified by divorcing the prick.

slightly unnecessarily aggressive but I agree with the prick part

OP posts:

TalkingCat · 29/05/2022 15:23

Spohn · 29/05/2022 15:00

Oh wow, you really fucked up by picking this bloke. Pretty embarrassing, but can be rectified by divorcing the prick.

She said 'partner' so I don't think they're married. Sounds like for the best, but it means she won't get the financial support or house share (if they have a mortgage) or pension part that she would be entitled to if she were.

dreamingbohemian · 29/05/2022 15:32

You are totally reasonable to start making plans to leave. Well done for realising that he and his family are dead wrong and he's an awful father and partner.

Don't bother trying to be a decent partner to someone who doesn't care about you. Stop cooking his dinner, doing his laundry, all of that. You can't force him to do more in the house but you don't have to do things for him either. Focus on you and your children.

What is the biggest impediment to splitting up? Is it just the mental energy needed for it, or are there financial issues?

MountainClimber22 · 29/05/2022 15:35

If you split up you would get child free weekends when he has them. Win! Only joking, he is seriously taking the piss though.

REignbow · 29/05/2022 15:42

He’s treating you no more than an appliance.

You are no more than a housekeeper, cook, nanny and you contribute financially.

He has no respect or care for you and is very okay with you waking at 4am to work, then spend the day caring for your children, doing chores, shopping and making meals. Then when the children sleep, you work again until 11pm.

I am pleased that you have woken up to this.

Do you have any family or friends?

I would leave sooner rather than later and would also look into some form of childcare in the interim.

As others have said, stop doing anything for him and ignore any tantrums about this from him and his not so dear mother.

WimbyAce · 29/05/2022 15:50

SpiderinaWingMirror · 29/05/2022 12:42

Frankly, getting up at 4 in the morning and then working til 11pm just isn't sustainable. Exhausted? That must be an understatement

Agreed, no idea how you are managing. Looking after children is exhausting without doing that on top!

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