to feel taken advantage of

[lilarosee]

hello,

I guess just some perspective needed. My partner and myself share 3 young children, 3 year old and 1 year old twins. Both work full time, children in daycare 2 days a week and the other 3 at home with me and I work flexible hours around them, early mornings and then the evenings.

I just feel like I never get a break and this weekend has just tipped me. I feel taken advantage of. My partner said he was going out yesterday to watch the liverpool game (he doesnt support either team btw) but said it wasnt that kind of night, went out at 5 to get food with his friends and then watch the game then home.

I said okay that's fine, so I do bed time for all 3 kids and then head up myself around 10ish assuming he will be home soon. he didn't come in until 4am. no idea where he went and I dont really care about that either. what I do care about is he is currently recovering in bed. I have been awake since 5am with all 3 children and will now have to find something to do by myself for the day as he will be useless all day now.

I wouldn't probably mind so much if this was a one off or if i got the same opportunity to let my hair down once in a while but I never do. he seems to be able to do what he wants, when he wants and can totally forget that he has 3 young children.

I suppose Aibu to feel taken advantage of as he knows full well I will pick up the slack every time

And it leaves out the expectations that when having children, previous activities and freedoms have to be replanned to cater around and include the children where possible,

Playing devils advocate….do you think he realises?

My DH is a bit rubbish to sometimes see this so I just tell him. I am going out with friends x night for dinner. I wouldn’t ever expect him to say oh you work hard do you want some time to yourself.

Have you asked for some child free time and he’s got grumpy? Would he be supportive of you getting some down time? I would ask / get something planned in every 2 weeks.

I'm coming to the realisation that you cant change people and I also cannot actually be bothered to nag at an adult man to do simple things like chores and looking after his own children.

going to start making some plans I think, I would be better off on my own. I practically own anyway.

YABU

Stop listening to his mum as well, just because she has embarrassingly low standards doesn’t mean you have to.

I can't for the life of me fathom out how you got here, OP. Why on earth did you arrange to work at 4am and late into the night?! Completely separate from the fact that your DP is a lazy arsehole, of course, but surely the arrangement was always doomed to fail.

But have you tried to change the dynamic? That means you changing as well as him.

You are party responsible for the current dynamic, yes maybe because you're so 'nice' but maybe you have a responsibility to be something other than nice?
Be clear, be challenging, take control, take responsibility.
This isn't just 'nagging' it's assertive and responsible.

Yes if you're confident you've tried all this and despite you changing he's not going to, leave in good conscience you tried to address the issues.

But you do have a responsibility to your children to seriously attempt to create a functioning family, and just being a doormat and then bailing doesn't constitute having tried.

If you feel you really have, and thing's will never change. Leave. This is no way to live.

But you seem to give up very easily and want to avoid taking any control or responsibility.

Get some nights out with friends booked. Get a family calendar and add things to it. Many women (myself included in the past) complain they don’t get the same chance but never arrange anything. Start forcing him to pull his weight or he never will. Get some more childcare as working in the evenings / around very young children is too difficult

Frankly, getting up at 4 in the morning and then working til 11pm just isn't sustainable. Exhausted? That must be an understatement

He sounds like what my mum calls, 'a single married man'. From what you've said about his family, I doubt he will change.

My ex was the same, I kicked him out, word of warning though, he continues to be crap regarding seeing his child, not reliable at all, so dont take it as a given you would have x number of child free weekends if you split. I am still glad we split though as he was a liability, really just not wanting to parent, he only did the highlights, none of the boring essential stuff, bloody infuriating!

Sorry but this sucks for you! He is just so entitled whereas if it was the other way around I am sure he would not be able to cope. I went out with friends the other night, rolled in early hours, but drunk and although our kids aren’t the handful they were in the early days, I still got up with them as I don’t want to lay in bed for hours and waste the weekend. I guess a total one off if you were in an awful state might be ok but it’s the lack of checking with you, assuming you’ll pick up the whole slack, it’s clear he does not respect you as an equal. He needs a reality check.

yes, this is a regular occurrence the last few months and I have tried. I'm not very happy and I dont think we have the same priorities either. he knows the hours I work and the time I get to sleep.

if I try to being it up, he doesnt really listen to me and instead sits on his phone. I'm not sure you can teach a person to be respectful

could you expand on why? genuinely curious hence posting

This is my life. 3yo and 1yo twins with a twat of a hubby who is sometimes very selfish.

To combat this I have upped my hours to full time 9-5 in the week. We can't afford it but it's the mental break I need so I can do everything else.

I have also mentally detached myself from him. He's now a housemate, extra pair of hands, a boarder who helps pay the mortgage.

When the kids are easier we will either have marriage counselling and stay together or split. At the moment the mental load is so great I can't go through a divorce, but I am 100% done.

I would honestly leave someone over this.

Get in there and get him out of bed and tell him you're done accommodating his lazy arse. I would also take the festival tickets off him and disappear yourself next weekend leaving him to deal with his own children.

that's how I feel, like I dont have the brain capacity to leave right now. just about able to make some kind of plans. I wont forget that he was happy for me to totally burn out whilst he maintained his own life

It's got nothing to do with his family. It's a private conversation between you and him

In all honesty, what is the point of him?

I agree that this sounds utterly unsustainable for you. Is reducing your working hours an option.

I think you are wise to consider your options. Single parenting isn't the easiest, but it's easier than 'two-parenting' when the one doing all the work is also carrying the mental burden of seeing their partner doing bloody fuck-all. A dear friend said that parenting became so much easier for her once she didn't have the resentment of watching her partner sitting and doing nothing whilst she ran around like a skivvy.

When it comes to the point that one is being 'shouted down' and/or ganged up on by family members it's time to wake up and smell the coffee. He is simply living what he learnt over the years as a child. That sort of indoctrination is very, very hard to overcome, especially because it is to their own benefit to be 'indoctrinated'.

At this point, you need to go 'stealth'. Say nothing, make no threats and no ultimatums. Simply take a good look at your financial situation and investigate housing & living costs in your area. If you're married (I'm never sure when the term used is 'partner) see a solicitor to discuss the ins and outs of divorce and what you can expect financially. If you are NOT married but have joint assets, especially a home, see a solicitor also. But do it quietly. The point is to educate yourself, not necessarily to get the ball rolling. You want to make any decisions from a place of knowledge and not plunge willy nilly into things. Once you have the information you need, that will be the time to sit him down and say either "I'm leaving" or "Time for you to shit or get off the pot" and suggest counseling. Which road you take is up to you. Just don't continue to put up with what you're putting up with. A tired, frazzled, resentful mum is not good for your children.

Is he dead to a hoover operating round the bed?

And when he wakes, I hope you won't be doing anything for him (including meals)

She needs to up them not reduce them.

Get some money behind her

@lilarosee - start squirrelling money away. I have secret bank accounts I'm putting move out money in. I'm also setting up kids bank accounts where I'm the only signature on the account.

We are "skint" as the nursery fees are killing us but it's a means to an end - it gives me the mental space to be me!

I'm also selling stuff on eBay and hiding the money away.

What is your housing situation? Own or rent?

You need to make plans. He's not going to change as anyone with that level of ingrained selfishness won't.

But as of now, your life is you and your children.

You do nothing for him Nothing.

You do not cook, wash, shop, clear up his shit (unless it's hazardous), iron or sleep with him.

Let him see what his (lonely) future is

My DH woke me up last night at 3:30, being sick in the bathroom. He told me he was going out to watch the game and would be back after, only one drink, yada yada.

The Kids were up at 6:30 so we had a dance party whilst making breakfast- I was sure to blast all our favourite tunes as loud as possible.

Well you’ve allowed and enabled him to carry
on with this behaviour so you have no one but yourself to blame.