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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel taken advantage of

118 replies

lilarosee · 29/05/2022 07:00

hello,

I guess just some perspective needed. My partner and myself share 3 young children, 3 year old and 1 year old twins. Both work full time, children in daycare 2 days a week and the other 3 at home with me and I work flexible hours around them, early mornings and then the evenings.

I just feel like I never get a break and this weekend has just tipped me. I feel taken advantage of. My partner said he was going out yesterday to watch the liverpool game (he doesnt support either team btw) but said it wasnt that kind of night, went out at 5 to get food with his friends and then watch the game then home.

I said okay that's fine, so I do bed time for all 3 kids and then head up myself around 10ish assuming he will be home soon. he didn't come in until 4am. no idea where he went and I dont really care about that either. what I do care about is he is currently recovering in bed. I have been awake since 5am with all 3 children and will now have to find something to do by myself for the day as he will be useless all day now.

I wouldn't probably mind so much if this was a one off or if i got the same opportunity to let my hair down once in a while but I never do. he seems to be able to do what he wants, when he wants and can totally forget that he has 3 young children.

I suppose Aibu to feel taken advantage of as he knows full well I will pick up the slack every time

OP posts:
internetpersonme · 29/05/2022 08:33

Im sorry you're in this situation.

People will say go out and leave him with the kids but this will probably result in you coming home to the house in chaos with dirty children covered in ketchup with McDonalds wrappers all over the sofa and money wasted on deliveroo which is what happened to my friend in this situation.

Its absolutely disgusting like you said its not a one off with you equally allowed the same time off etc

It's not sustainable. I can't belive you wfh such early hours with no childcare.

I have no advice for today- if you go out with the children he gets a day to recover and why should you take them out alone and not be able to use tour house?

I can't believe he's going to a festival when he's an adult with 3 young children! And you working from the crack of dawn.

It's not up to you to find a solution to this, he needs to because if he carries on like this you will eventually crack from exhaustion and he will be single.

Poor you x

jesusmaryjosephandtheweedonkey · 29/05/2022 08:39

You are enabling him to behave this way.
He is treating you and the children as an inconvenience and you are allowing this.
While you stay in and do everything,he doesn't have too.

Make some real changes or be prepared for your life to be like this.

wtfisgoingonhere21 · 29/05/2022 08:55

Go upstairs and wake him up op

Tell him your having a break as your knackered and really pissed off and it's time for him to take over for the day.

Then go get your bag and as soon as he's up (keep on at him)
Go out.

Go for a walk,find a cafe somewhere so you can sit for a coffee and something to eat on your own.

Window shopping and some lunch.

Ignore any messages you get from him or just reply reminding him he's the other parent not a fucking child and he needs to step up or your off

He needs a bloody reminder here of how to be the second adult in the house

DDivaStar · 29/05/2022 08:56

If you're not happy with this then change it ! Its not just his expectations that are low you need more childcare and to arrange time out for yourself.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:09

When will women be realise that the vast majority of divorced abd separated men with kids, especially young kids, are divorced/separated because they are DUDS.

Meamwhile the vast majority of divorced & separated women with young kids are divorced/sepeated because they were with a DUD.

You are just taking on some other woman's dud. And they just see their new gf/wife as the replacement service BP who does everything with and for their kids when they have their kids (so they can look like a good daddy for the time they have them and so they can keep their child maintenance payments below maximum).

There were shits to their kids mothers; that's why they were single (the vast majority) ... they are then shits to you.

But they'll get a good run out of it because partner/wife 2 doesn't want to look bad by splitting or divorcing again after a split with their kids father, they don't want to look like a failure (they don't, but(, this one has to stick, they've blended their families and feel they look bad if they split, it's more disruption for kids etc etc.

The endless round of trash men circulating around good hearted, responsible, earnest, martyred women.

They know you want to be in a couple and they kniw you won't want to look like a "failure" eso after one relationship/marriage breakdown... they take full advantage of it for a free house keeper, child care , sex and a socially acceptable plus one.

Jedsnewstar · 29/05/2022 09:11

Blarting · 29/05/2022 07:11

Open the bedroom door, put children in the room, close bedroom door and go out for the day.

Enjoy your day off and the sun is shining here, so hopefully will be shining where you are,

This. Why is this an issue just go, you are a grown woman.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:12

Was there a honeymoon period where he faked it really well, or how have you ended up living with, blending families and married to this dud?

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:16

He's clearly a selfish fuck who takes advantage and thinks women are service bots .. those values and characteristics aren't going to change, your just going to waste the next next yrs trying to make him change. He'll (apparently).improve for a bit if he thinks there's an actual danger of being split with, then slip back.

Jonagirl · 29/05/2022 09:18

I never get it when people say on threads like these to just leave the kids and head off for the day. Don't do that, that isn't one bit fair on the kids. But do organise a night out, next weekend and either stay at a friend's or warn him not to wake you before <whatever time you like>. And for every night out he has, you do the same thing. Should it be tit for tat? No, but he sounds like it's a reality check he needs so it's worth a shot.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:19

I didn't catch if you had a child with him too (it sounds like not) ......
Don't.. ever .. do that.

That's another way these duds get partners trapped for years.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:22

I can't believe he's going to a festival when he's an adult with 3 young children!

Do younk ow what real parents with kids do re. Festivals?

They go to child friendly festivals with their kids in the day time and leave when it gets dark.

Or at most they arrange baby sitters, and go with their partner.

Or absolute minimal go without their partner but have reciprocal nights out where both get the same.

He's not a real parent he acts like like single, and you're his free childcare.

dudsville · 29/05/2022 09:24

How awful OP, he and his family do not sound loving or caring. When you like someone they should get your care and consideration. You're in a vulnerable situation with such young children. I would be looking to focus on what's in your control. You can't make other people step up to the responsibilities of their lives and you can't make them love and respect you. That leaves you very little wriggle room, but you can extract your participation in the lives of him and his family, look after your children and build your way forward.

KermitlovesKeyLimePie · 29/05/2022 09:26

Every. Single. Day.

Bibbetybobbity · 29/05/2022 09:27

It feels like your working pattern is knackering and unsustainable- it would only work if your partner was equally invested in making it work/felt equally appreciative of the childcare cost savings. If he’s just going to slip into assuming you’re the default parent because of it then it won’t work. I don’t think the issue is last night per se, I’d start with a conversation about working hours/childcare because that’s the bigger issue and origin of his attitude I reckon….

WizardOfAus · 29/05/2022 09:31

Blarting · 29/05/2022 07:11

Open the bedroom door, put children in the room, close bedroom door and go out for the day.

Enjoy your day off and the sun is shining here, so hopefully will be shining where you are,

You're a fool if you do anything other than this poster's excellent advice.

Enjoy your day off, OP.

WizardOfAus · 29/05/2022 09:32

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:19

I didn't catch if you had a child with him too (it sounds like not) ......
Don't.. ever .. do that.

That's another way these duds get partners trapped for years.

Ehh, she has 3 kids with the loser.

30mph · 29/05/2022 09:34

He does it because he can, and chooses to do so. You can either resign yourself to it, or make changes.

If you go for resignation, then you will become resentful and regretful. Changes can be scary, but better for you and the children, and possibly your partner. However - he shouldn't be your priority - you and the children aren't his. Think very carefully about this. Make plans, take action.

PorpoiseWithPurpose · 29/05/2022 09:35

Blarting · 29/05/2022 07:11

Open the bedroom door, put children in the room, close bedroom door and go out for the day.

Enjoy your day off and the sun is shining here, so hopefully will be shining where you are,

Hope you’re in the process of doing this OP.

Stand your ground. Don’t come back until 5pm.

Please don’t be one of these women who vent on here and then do nothing to change the situation.

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:38

WizardOfAus · 29/05/2022 09:32

Ehh, she has 3 kids with the loser.

Show quote history

I've reread the op and realised I got completely the wrong end of the stick from "we share 3 children", I thought they were from previous relationships.

Well, my opinion stands... it's just just op is wife/partner no 1 to this dud (not no 2).

LooseGoose22 · 29/05/2022 09:39

And I'd reiterate;

He's clearly a selfish fuck who takes advantage and thinks women are service bots .. those values and characteristics aren't going to change, your just going to waste the next next yrs trying to make him change.

OutDamnedSpot · 29/05/2022 09:39

I wrote many posts like this six or seven years ago. I finally kicked him out two years ago. Funnily enough, it turns out he can look after the kids perfectly fine on his own, and the two nights a week I get to myself are bliss.

Whatifitallgoesright · 29/05/2022 09:39

"A long leisurely bath"? It's time a small child 'hid' the plug at 5pm don't you think?

Funkyslippers · 29/05/2022 09:42

You need to nip this in the bud NOW, op. What a useless fucker! You'll be running yourself into the ground before too long otherwise. Tell him, next time they're crying for you and you're in bed, he takes them out so you get some proper rest.

christmastreewithhairyfairy · 29/05/2022 09:44

I get up at 4 and do 2 hours in the morning (today was unfortunate that the kids got up at 5, it's usually 6 but lucky me today!) then I do my last 5 hours in the evening, usually finishing at 11

I can't get past this, how do you live like that? Do you get any downtime at all? 😱

For today, I don't agree with PPs who say leave him with the kids, he will not be capable. But next weekend, say "you had the day off last Sunday, my turn today", and fuck off for the day. Do it every single time he does it to you. DH and I are pretty ruthless in making sure we get roughly equal amounts of time off, it keeps us sane. You will burn out if you carry on like this.

WizardOfAus · 29/05/2022 09:52

next weekend, say "you had the day off last Sunday, my turn today", and fuck off for the day.

She can't. Hubby has the festival booked next weekend.

So today's the day she needs to stand her ground.

He needs to learn his actions have consequences.

Those consequences are having to parent 3 children when you've got a terrible hangover headache.

Oh well.

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