to feel taken advantage of

[lilarosee]

hello,

I guess just some perspective needed. My partner and myself share 3 young children, 3 year old and 1 year old twins. Both work full time, children in daycare 2 days a week and the other 3 at home with me and I work flexible hours around them, early mornings and then the evenings.

I just feel like I never get a break and this weekend has just tipped me. I feel taken advantage of. My partner said he was going out yesterday to watch the liverpool game (he doesnt support either team btw) but said it wasnt that kind of night, went out at 5 to get food with his friends and then watch the game then home.

I said okay that's fine, so I do bed time for all 3 kids and then head up myself around 10ish assuming he will be home soon. he didn't come in until 4am. no idea where he went and I dont really care about that either. what I do care about is he is currently recovering in bed. I have been awake since 5am with all 3 children and will now have to find something to do by myself for the day as he will be useless all day now.

I wouldn't probably mind so much if this was a one off or if i got the same opportunity to let my hair down once in a while but I never do. he seems to be able to do what he wants, when he wants and can totally forget that he has 3 young children.

I suppose Aibu to feel taken advantage of as he knows full well I will pick up the slack every time

Wake him up at 10am. with a coffee and tell him that if 6hours sleep is OK for you then it is for him too.
Since he is away next weekend tell him to pull his weight and you have a relaxing afternoon.
No point downing pints and moaning of a hangover, it doesn't absolve you of parental responsibility the following day.
Tell him to crack on and wise up, at an appropriate time you need to reconcile the household tasks and responsibilities more fairly.
No point making yourself tired and ill, what is he going to do then?

He's absolutely taking the piss and that's no life for you.

Mine went out to watch the football too, got in around 2am, but he only left after putting the toddler to bed (which meant he missed the start) and he's now looking after DS while I go to yoga and then for a coffee in peace.

He's not doing that though is he? He's going on his own like a teenager

Tell him this cannot go on and you need a fair arrangement. And book yourself a couple of long weekends away on your own.

I never understand why useless advice like this is always given out. A man who isn't capable on a sober basis to take care of his kids is magically going to do it hungover. And the mother is going to swan off carefree without worrying about her children 🙄. Op you need to put your foot down and tell him to get his act together or get out. What use is he?

Omg, all the best op

@Mally100 so what's your helpful advice? Put your foot down? Tell him to get his act together? That'll sort it?

The saying actions speak louder than words springs to mind.

Do you really think leaving 3 very tiny children under the care of a useless drunk, the best solution?

..................as he knows full well I will pick up the slack every time

and that's the problem. Don't.

Are you able to get someone to take the dcs for a few hours today
ifvso wake him up at noon sit him down and tell him this stops now
your work life servitude balance is unsustainable you will reach burnout and that’s no good for you the dcs or him
talk to him about practicalities ie stop the leisurely baths
give him a choice of cooking or looking after the dcs when he gets in from work ( you choose the choice of two knowing which one you’d like to do and which one he would choose) every evening and build in some respect for what you do
good luck

Really sorry you are dealing w this OP. These are the key things I think

carve out jobs - he does laundry, you do dinner, or carve it by days. Start by listing everything that has to be done, and give him 20pc (or whatever is achievable) to start, working up every month. Stick a jobs chart up on the wall.

carve out time off - at weekends, stick this on a calendar on the wall. Move this to 50/50 right now.

once you’ve written this down, sit him down, tell him you are totally fed up, and you need him to step up. What jobs is he taking on? What weekend days does he want and what will he cover? Then stick it up on the wall.

You doing 3 days with the kids at home seems unsustainable to me. Can you drop a day at work, add a day at nursery, get parents/in laws to do a day - no wonder you are exhausted. If there is no easy solution then talk to your partner about what you will jointly sacrifice to make your life less hellish, but this is really not sustainable.

stop expecting support from your in laws. Clearly your Mil was totally downtrodden. Don’t argue it with her - you want her to take on some childcare, just don’t discuss it.

when you have the energy, full all your financials, and go see a solicitor to make a plan if nothing gets better and you need to split. It will make you feel better to have one in your back pocket.

make your birth control is rock solid

make a plan to earn more money as soon as you can. Money gives you options.

That's what I was saying lol

Book yourself a weekend away in a couple of weeks time and tell him he is on daddy duty as you are exhausted. He needs to learn now he cannot shirk his parenting responsibilities because he thinks you should pick up the slack. He is a grown man who has 3 kids and needs to start acting like it.

As a single parent if I had been out the night before i had to get up and look after my DS. The difference here is he knows you will not leave the DC with him. So he has had a lovely weekend

He is living the life of a single man with someone to look after him.

Sadly I read this exact thread at least every other Sunday morning. Gone out, stayed way too late without communicating, hungover to the point of uselessness the next day. Then when you're encouraged to take some time to yourself you point out the reasonable point that he's been a strategically incompetent parent so it's unfair to leave the kids with him. He hasn't adjusted to parenthood.

If you want to save the relationship he has to get on board with 50/50 parenting/life admin/housework (or a fairly agreed proportion) and get it all mapped out so you can both see that it's fair and therefore how unfair it's been up to now. It may even mean paying for some help.

Should this situation not improve please make sure your contraception is taken care of and try as much as you can to still be working f/t.

Oh OP I really feel for you
He sounds exactly like my ex and its awful.
Now he's an ex he barely bothers with our dc even though he still lives 10 minutes away.
It's exhausting and really tough being a single parent but nowhere near as soul destroying as being in a relationship like this.

You need to sit him down and have a serious discussion about your relationship and what you need. Spell it out to him. If he doesn't change then you need to decide if you can live like this.

The problem with men like this that they should want to spend time with their children and help look after them, no amount of nagging or talking can force them to care because they are defective.

Why do these pathetic excuses for men think they can just dodge their responsibilities and get away with it 🤷🏻‍♀️

What the hell is wrong with some of them nowadays? Relationships are breaking up left, right hand centre because of such shitty behaviour. This is why my ex is my ex.

I honestly think it’s time the government started to do something about this. They need to be educated in sex ed at school about doing their best to NOT having children until they’re actually ready to commit to them.

What a dreadful situation you're in.

But this hasn't happened overnight it's been years of you picking up the slack, keeping quiet, keeping the peace, keeping the show on the road, hoping it will be ok.

Well now you've got a choice. You can carry on doing that or you can make a change.

You tell him tonight you don't want to live like this. You won't live like this.
You tell him clearly what you expect. Not just, 'try harder ' but specifics:
You do bath times while I tidy.
We take it in turn at weekends to have a break, a lie in and we do at least one activity together.
We agree to no weekends away on our own while the kids are small as it's too much work for one person.
Whatever suits you. But be clear.

Then enforce it.
Every little agreement, if it's not stuck to you point it out and say it's not acceptable.

If he doesn't change over time and life continues to be unfair drudgery, leave him.

You'll then have warned him, and made efforts to change the dynamic yourself but you can't make someone else change.

There's no point saying you're going out or trying to leave him with the kids. He's a shouty man and obviously a dick. He will do what he wants anyway and you'll look after the kids because you'd never neglect them.

The best thing you can do is see a solicitor asap, figure out housing and let him know it's over. Absolutely no point engaging with him.

Your partner clearly needs to do an awful lot more

however ... your work pattern is not helping you. The only times I've known people make that sort of pattern work is when they only have 1 child and their partner picks up huge amounts of the slack to prioritise them getting rest.

I assume you are doing it for financial reasons, however if you have any way to change things e.g. another day of childcare or working more hours on the days you do have childcare so you can work fewer on the days you don't, I would really recommend it.

Ah ok sorry

20 percent?! And all the admin and 'nagging' involved in getting that 20 percent will be another 40 percent for her.

I would expect a teen to be doing laundry and dinner.

I agree more with the see a solicitor advice. Op would be better off with 3 kids to look after instead of 3 kids and an adult who thinks he is a teenager on summer hols.

@Pickabearanybear I suppose because its drummed into us from an early age that we must partner up, romantic slushy films, books, media, other women, family, woman's magazines (hate them) adverts. This is the message. it's everywhere that marriage and babies is the goal.

It's insidious and everywhere.

There's no easy solution in this for you, I'm afraid. He seems to be a throwback to the 50s when most(,not all) working men were seen as breadwinners and the"little woman" stayed home , being given her housekeeping on a Friday evening before the man of the house headed off down the pub. Mentality such as this is ingrained behaviour and very hard to change

One of the problems is that you are very good at putting everyone's needs above your own. I wouldn't want to go out and leave such young children in the care of someone who is severely hungover either. Could you buy them a nice music set ? Drum, tambourine, whistle and encourage them to be very enthusiastic players ?I know he would probably bin it but it would interrupt his lazy day.

Longer term though..could you cut down on your working hours , maybe lose either the first two hours or the last two? I would also try to prevent him from bathing as soon as he comes home (unless he's disgustingly dirty /smelly) couldn't he just have a quick wash/shower and save baths for the weekend?

Only you know the strength of your relationship and whether he might be open to changing in any meaningful way but could you sit him down and explain calmly why you need him to start satisfying some of his responsibilities?Be clear that IF he insists on going to the festival next week , it will then be time for him to realise his family should come first and he needs to massively cut down on his treats after that.
He needs to realise that you need some "me" time too because while you're coping well at the moment you simply can't keep it up indefinitely