To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

Maybe your friend is asking because you told her you almost skipped her BBQ because you had nothing to wear. She knows it's a big deal for you and she's checking that you've got it sorted and will be coming. More communication is needed here. Tell her explicitly to stop asking and the reasons for that.

People who have always been slim and pretty will never completely get it but I'm sure most are emotionally intelligent enough to have a fair idea.

Strange, I found most of the comments to be rude, not the OP.

1600 calories a day won't meet the nutritional needs of many women, even without exercise on top. 1600 calories plus three hours of exercise every single day isn't healthy, full stop, and it's a sign of how normalised disordered eating is in our society that anyone would describe it as "hard work", as if starving yourself is like a being landscape gardener. In the weeks before I was discharged from the eating disorders unit a lot of the therapy groups focused on how hard it is to maintain recovery as an anorexic woman when anorexic behaviours are normalised in society, and this is exactly the kind of thing they meant. Thinness is idealised to the point where women don't even realise that their habits are unhealthy, because they mistake thinness for health.

And to all the posters asking if OP is aware of the sexual harassment her thin friends go through: harassment is about power, not attraction, and fat women get harassed too. Often over their weight. Some men just love to make women uncomfortable in the street and will say whatever they can to achieve that. I don't understand this defensive urge to minimise OP's problems - we don't have to resort to anecdote, there is a lot of empirical evidence to demonstrate weight stigma exists, and whatever other problems thin women might have from misogyny etc., this isn't one of them.

A lot of nasty, bullying posters on form I think I this thread. At no point has the OP been rude, she's been nicer than I'd have been! Sorry you've had this pile on, OP. Some just enjoy being knobbish. Ignore.

Anyway - lots of people missing your point, which is simply that people who have always been slim/pretty have no idea how it feels to be overweight. I've been at both ends of the scale, and you're right.

You're not saying that slim/pretty people don't have any problems ffs, or can't suffer with awful self esteem or dislike how they look - of course they can.

But there are definitely experiences that an overweight person has, that someone slim just won't have.

Can you be blunt with your friend and say "it makes me feel shit when you ask what I'm wearing."?

For a slim person, choosing an outfit is about what you fancy wearing that day, what's appropriate etc. For a bigger person, it's also that but also about finding something that just bloody fits and looks even half okay and hides all the worst bits you dislike about yourself, only to stand in front of the mirror feeling utterly hopeless realising there's no magic outfit that will hide the size you hate that you are.

It erodes your confidence and self esteem even further.

Although I'm slim now and I might still 'feel fat' in an outfit or have a bad day, it's nothing compared to when I was a size 22 crying in the changing room when a top I liked on the hanger looked bloody awful over my supersize boobs and overhang stomach.

Self-hatred is not limited to overweight people, but there are experiences a bigger person will have, like being called names in the street, declining invitations because you really have nothing to wear, the stares from strangers when you're at a restaurant, being immediately judged as lazy and greedy when you meet someone, to name a few.

My confidence has improved since losing the weight and getting fit, but not only because I look better - people treat me better and no, it's not because I feel better and giving off better vibes, it's because people don't make those judgements anymore and they're nicer to me. Slim people won't encounter that. They may well encounter other judgements, of course! But not due to their weight.

You can't 'know' unless you've been there.

Unattractive women and attractive women won't ever understand lived experiences of each other, they might as well be different biological species. Your friends probably mean well, OP, but not from a very informed point.

Reach out to people. Tell friends how you feel. Im sure if they're decent people they'll be mortified by how they're making you feel- if you haven't spoken to them about it then how would they know.

For a slim person, choosing an outfit is about what you fancy wearing that day, what's appropriate etc. For a bigger person, it's also that but also about finding something that just bloody fits and looks even half okay and hides all the worst bits you dislike about yourself, only to stand in front of the mirror feeling utterly hopeless realising there's no magic outfit that will hide the size you hate that you are.

I agree with this but want to add that big and thin (not slim) women are in the same boat. Those with model type figures can also struggle. I have to give away clothes because they are too short on me or don't fit right. They make me look like I'm on stilts, some trousers. And it can be upsetting when you can't wear anything above the ankles without looking ridiculous.

So those who are on the opposite end of the scale, very thin, do understand. Her friends were just trying to be supportive.

Your friends don’t know what it’s like to be you, no. And equally, you don’t know what it’s like to be them. None of us know what it’s like to be another human and drawing lines in the sand that states anyone thin must be having a more positive experience of life is stupid and ignorant. It’s projecting your problems out into the world rather than looking at yourself and making changes to improve your life. You’re not helpless in this, you can make changes if you decided to.

I was abused as a toddler, if fucked me up, but I don’t spend my life feeling bitter that my friends will never know what that’s like to experience or how it’s impacted me, how I’m left with PTSD that means just getting a smear is traumatising.

Ask your friend to stop asking you what you’re wearing, simple as that. No need to get irritated that she doesn’t know it’s something you’re sensitive about.

OP what are they meant to say? They sound like nice friends who want you to feel happy. And if you say 'whatever I won't hate' every time they ask, and they still never comment, that's actually really nice, as it's a depressing comment to hear over and over again! They won't know what it's like to be you, and you won't know what it's like to be them, that's just how life is.

I wouldn’t be surprised if your friends started to make excuses not to see you again. You sound really bitter and nasty and not great to be around.

Your first friend just wanted to know the dress code. She didn’t want to hear your rant about being fat. You second friend was being friendly and asked about your dating life.

I am naturally very slim despite what I eat. I am body shamed and used to cover up in my early 20s and teens. I’m now in my mid 20s and I don’t care about what other women think. Let them shame me. Let them give me dirty looks. Those women sound like you.

I’m sorry you’re feeling bad OP, and yes it’s true that someone slim may not understand what it is like to be very large, but one could argue that very overweight people don’t understand the struggle that some people have to stay thin.

I used to be about three stone over my healthy BMI and couldn’t run ten steps. Two years later, I’m nearly four stone lighter and in good shape. It’s not easy though. I regularly say no to food and drink that I would love to inhale. I cycle a nearly 20km round commute every weekday in wind, rain and shine, even when I feel knackered or a bit shit. On top of that, I do four HIIT sessions a week, run, climb mountains and mountain bike (I leave for work at 7am and get home just before 6pm). I meal plan and cook from scratch every day so I eat fresh, wholesome food. I get derogatory comments from people all the time about how much energy I have, how I don’t stop moving, how I’m ‘wasting away’ and how I should just eat the cake in the staffroom.

I choose to push myself like this because my (previously fit and healthy) dad spent the last three years of his life suffering from numerous debilitating illnesses (which are all potentially hereditary) and could barely leave the house. Whilst he was housebound, he used to love me sending him photos from the tops of mountains. I will not waste time sat on the sofa when I could be out enjoying my good health and fitness.

I don’t think anyone is unattractive and if people choose to be overweight, that’s up to them. I do find it difficult however, to listen to people bemoan being unhealthy and unfit when they don’t want to put the effort in to change. If though you have a health issue, which means you cannot lose weight, then I do sympathise.

You sound really bitter and nasty and not great to be around.

Projecting much? What a horrible post.

It's true, though. OP has been really rude to some posters on this thread. You don't get to abuse others just because you're feeling low.

The question in the OP was if it's unreasonable to think if you're slim and pretty you'll never get it, and yes, many people think it is unreasonable. Why ask the question if you just want to get defensive and be rude to anyone who doesn't agree?

Nobody is entitled to friends. If OP keeps treating people this badly, she's going to end up alone on top of everything. Part of being an adult is accepting that sometimes you're the problem.

The replies are mostly negative, but the poll is much more balanced, with 53% agreeing with OP.

Personally I don't see any rudeness in OPs posts, but I definitely see her frustration with posters completely missing the point making twisting things out of shape.

No I really don't think they'll ever get it. I think it's because they don't really see you as any different to them. They probably genuinely want to know what you're wearing... like they ask each other.

You feel like a different breed, your friends see you as the same.

But what they won't understand is how strangers treat you differently, and media etc etc. Maybe try to explain?

Just to add... I recently lost 7 stone (now size 14 so not "skinny")and my friends absolutely flat out don't believe it because they "didn't even think I was fat"... they don't get it at all

To be honest, I think in a lot of people’s eyes, once you’re fat, its just fat. It’s like infinity fat cells

it works the other way too, i put in a stone and nobody noticed which was actually really depressing 😩

anyway, back the cake…

@Goatinthegarden perfectly put!

Your post is exactly why I also lost 5 stone and got healthier. It wasn’t ever to look better, it was entirely for health reasons and you are so right it is a constant struggle not to go back to old habits. Every weight and every look and every person has their own problems.

OP, if they are your friends, what is stopping you plainly and openly tell them not to talk to you about clothes as you find it upsetting? Also you can dress size 6 horribly and size 20 beautifully. As an interim solution as I gathered you want to lose weight for health reasons, you should buy some nice clothes in your size from a decent shop that targets your sizes. Not as a last minute emergency reaction to whatever invitation, but as a planned shopping with no specific agenda. Maybe you will find it less frustrating.
I think you are probably right.. Someone who has never been fat will struggle to fully comprehend what you are going through. Even though I know full well there are miriads of serious and valid reasons why people are obese I still sometimes think they just need to put more effort in.

Having been both fat and slim, my life is immeasurably easier slim.
Yes I get harassed by men, more so than when fat. Yes, it's unwelcome and can be intimidating. But there is literally no comparison between having men whistle from vans and shout 'hello sexy' to being called a fat bitch, a dog, being laughed at when jogging, or having chips thrown at you.
Sometimes now I find it hard to find clothes that fit me on my waist. Sometimes I think my legs look skinny. So I take my waistband in or wear trousers. Does this equal the misery of hours in changing rooms trying to fit into clothes not made big enough for my body, and then spending a fortune on a 'flattering cut' and still not liking how i look? Not evenly slightly.
As a slim woman, do I suffer insecurity? Of course. I worry about health, aging, whether I'm good enough at my job, a decent parent, partner, friend. When I was a fat woman I worried about all that too, but also about my weight.
All the 'slim women suffer too' posts remind me of the money doesn't equal happiness claims, that are equally annoying. Of course being rich or slim doesn't make you immune from problems. But it does mean they're not compounded by the added challenges of being poor or overweight.

Very well said

Just talk to your friends op

"what are you wearing tomorrow?"
"whatever I feel OK in tomorrow, but I hate it when you ask that question because it makes me feel X, Y, Z"

"so have you signed up on Tinder yet"
"I've told you, not at this weight"
"men should love you for who you are"
"of course, but I don't want to date until I feel happier in myself. That's my focus right now"

I don’t think that you can get it if you’ve not been overweight so YANBU

BUT I also think that some overweight women make massive assumptions that slim women are confident, and happy with their appearance and also a presumption that they are judging them for being overweight. That can translate into bitchiness towards them. Which I think is the case here tbh, your friends sound perfectly lovely!

I’ve been everywhere on the slim-fat scale and I found that when I was fat it was men who made shitty comments. When I was slim it was women who made the shitty comments.

OP you say you’re depressed and you do sound depressed, and that’s not a good place to be in if you want to lose weight. People telling you just to go on a diet are missing the point of what’s possible for you at the present moment I think. Could I suggest that just for now you accept the size that you are, and have a look for a small number of outfits that fit your present shape and help you feel a little more confident. I think that a few more classic items would help, rather than things that are “in fashion” for a brief period of time. A lot of fashionable clothes are flimsy, too revealing, made of thin fabric and are pretty unflattering on even the average-sized woman. Can you get a hair style that’s flattering, a good manicure, new shade of lipstick etc to boost your confidence in ways that are completely unrelated to your size.
I hope these suggestions are not annoying, I’m trying to suggest things that will give your confidence a boost without the need for a big diet. Then if you start to feel a bit less depressed you can begin to think about sensible eating for the sake of your health, not your clothes size.

I’ve been very overweight a lot of my life and also have had times when I have battled it and lost a lot of weight. At that stage people told me how well I had done - which also confirmed in my mind how fat they thought I looked before (and how shallow it is to think someone is a different person on the inside because they are thinner on the outside). I got down to merely overweight but could not maintain that. I found it extremely time consuming to spent five days a week or more exercising and other things needed my attention.

Now I am heavier again and sad about that. Nobody chooses to become overweight but day by day it becomes harder and harder to starve yourself and exercise like mad and turn away all food pleasures. Tomorrow and tomorrow and tomorrow, creeps in this petty pace from day to day, as Shakespeare said.

I think of all the work I need to put in - all the time in fact - and I don’t believe I can do it again.

I’d just like to eat what I want and remain a healthy size - like most people seem to. I do think people have different metabolisms. I often eat between 800 and 1000 calories a day and yet I just get bigger. I can only lose weight if I rigidly stuck to 800 cals max day in day out plus exercise and frankly it’s something like trying to hold your breath for days on end.

Yes smaller friends have dragged me round clothes shopping and can’t understand why I don’t pick things out and try them on. Because I’m afraid they won’t fit! Duh!!

It’s a pain being fat. I’ve recently found myself thinking of surgery but I’m afraid of that too and what can go wrong.