To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

I’d rather be ironic then hound someone to make myself feel better.

@drivetosurvive the post you quoted of mine was in response to another poster, not toward you. Wasn't having a dig.

perhaps AIBU isn’t the place for you if you feel people pointing out that YABU is ‘hounding’. I don’t need to make myself feel better, I already did it by tackling the excess weight that was causing me to be miserable. You should try it!

If you’d read comments you’d see that I did actually lose a lot of weight and was a size 10. So I did “try it” but please still continuing your hounding.

There’s a difference between a constructive yabu and trying to bring someone down for your own entertainment.

Apologies,

Haven’t used MN in a long time since being able to quote became a thing.

honestly OP, you’ll feel a million times better when you get out of this victim mindset

Sweetheart I don't know why you're getting such a hard time. You are not being unreasonable. Your friends are being at best, tone deaf. At worst they are slightly milking the fat friend thing because it makes them feel better.

It's ok to hate how you look when you are fat. Some people are super attractive when they are fat and some people hates themselves and want to hide under a bush (I am the latter). Just because the former type exist it doesn't mean the latter type can somehow click their fingers and become one.

Not much advice but sending hugs.

YANBU.

For a lot of men - everything hinges on what a women looks like and how sexually attractive they are.

I’m not in a victim mindset at all.

No one forced me to overeat. I did this to myself. I very much lost myself and allowed bad situations we all experience to get the better of me and I’m accountable.

Yes it’s frustrating when the thread descends into me wanting to being sexual harassed, or male attention, or you can only be attractive at a certain size because that’s not what I posted about.

But yes does it annoy me when I’m constantly asked what I’m going to wear when a friend knows I dread this. Yeah it does. But I’ve already said on this thread that I will say something so … I don’t know what more I can do?

I can’t be bothered to explain the other one because I’m clearly not saying it right and it’s getting misunderstood. But the gist is that I want to be happy in myself before putting myself out there to date - that was it. Which again is on me and I’ve said I don’t want or need external validation - I just want my own validation which again I’m the only one accountable for.

So no I’m not in a victim mindset. I did this to myself. I deal with how I feel I’m private (aside from my post today) because I know my friends aren’t malicious. And I need to do something but I don’t think for me therapy or a GP is the answer having already been down that route.

I’m genuinely not sure what else you want me to say? If you’re referring to the list of bad traits then maybe aside from the disgusting and worthless everything else was what was said to me on this thread … I don’t deserve friends (so guess I deserve to be lonely?), I have a shit personality, I’m rude, I’m miserable, I have a chip on my shoulder, I’m bitter. I’m literally just repeating what people have said - doesn’t make me a victim.

Then Just tell your friend it makes you uncomfortable.

Then she will know.

It doesn't have to be a big drama. Just one sentence.

It sounds like her insecurity that she needs to know what you're wearing to make sure she doesn't make some sort if social faux-pas. It's nothing to do with you.

literally no one on this thread has called you disgusting or worthless. that’s what I mean by a victim mindset. You’ll be much happier if you get out of that way of thinking that people have said/ done things to you that in reality, haven’t happened

Honestly, piss off with your diet advice. Read the room.

I literally said ASIDE from disgusting and worthless - I never said anyone called me that.

you did earlier in the thread?

Honestly op very kindly shhhhhh!!

My size 14 plus friend has one of the Priettiest faces I have ever seen, she’s genuinely beautiful. Amazing bust, gorgeous legs. Never been shy.

I’m a size 6-10, always been very basically average in every way. I am sooo shy except when I have had a drink.

It’s not always simply about size, it’s about other looks (as much as sooooo many people want to say otherwise), personality, and what many people view as attract (which fortunately so many people few differently!).

Size is very abortory. Many people at the same size have very different bodies.

I won’t Lie. I’m drunk as a skunk with my best pal but we both agree size is just a red herring. I’m slim but a size 8 (currently, in 2 months who knows) but my size 16 (currently) friends boobs are defo faaaar better.

And? If people are coming at you saying horrible things then that it’s not exactly going to make you feel great is it? I’m allowed to have a human reaction in that moment.

You are not good for my mental health - please just stop. You’ve said enough.

Kindly read the thread.

What you’ve just said has absolutely nothing to do with what I posted.

@myammus you are now just commenting to be unkind. You aren't helping in the slightest. Just stop.

Maybe have a look in the mirror and think why you’re getting off on the pain of other people. Why you can’t let things drop (because you’ll 100% post again) because you have to kick others when they’re down. Best thing about me is that I’ll never be anything like you. You also won’t have anymore of my attention.

@myammus I've reported you now. You are actively bullying the op, you aren't helping at all, just making cruel comments for your own entertainment. You should be ashamed of yourself.

drivetosurvive
A line from your first post I think indicates the issue.
I don’t like me for me so why should a man

Until you are comfortable and happy with who you are. Looks and weight aside. Then you will end up focusing on things that don’t matter and pointing to those issues as the reason you feel as you do.
Take away those issues and things will still feel the same as the real problem is still there.
Confidence is what I think makes you attractive to other people and confidence is not comparing yourself to others, or being slim and pretty. They can give you a boost but real confidence is not thinking about any perceived imperfection but knowing you are who you are and knowing that is a person you like.
Accept that you are losing weight or are going to lose weight but that is a long term goal and not put your life on hold whilst that is happening by throwing yourself into every evening out with your friends. You will have a better time and probably lose more weight as you will be happier.

For me I ask what people are wearing as I do have a habit of not understanding unwritten dress codes.(I am diagnosed ADHD but my Dd thinks I am also autistic)
I dress more like my teenage Ds than an old woman in her 60s

I have done things like turn up to a dinner out in Pizza Express in a ball gown or dressed as a pirate (definitely an Adam and the ants phase) going to a wedding. Dh does sometimes raise an eyebrow but I never process the eyebrow with thinking about what I wear not being appropriate until I am walking into a tea dance in running gear because I thought it was an aerobics type class.

Friends know I never know what to wear outside the usual combats, hoodie and trainers. So just because someone asks what you are wearing I think it is a huge possibility they want a clue as they have no idea what is or isn’t appropriate or need reassurance that the outfit they are going to wear is along the lines as to what someone else is wearing.

I have been a size 22 for much of my 30s, 40s and 50s because of pregnancies, a back injury which left me in constant agony and unable to do any exercise for 7 years before being diagnosed and put right and the menopause. All came one after the other.

I don’t ever let my weight or my age get in the way of doing stuff. Although the 7 years in agony were a particularly low point but I would force myself to take every opportunity to go out
I knew I was fat and looked terrible but for me that was a separate issue to going out and having a good time with friends. The more time we spent laughing the less time there was for me or anyone else to care about what I thought or what other people thought of me..

They dont 'get' what you are "experiencing"?

Girl. You say you are fat. And gained a lot of weight. But this is something you can change. If you are not happy then change. It is really that simple. Stop being jealous and petty

YANBU, at all.

But women (at least average/pretty one’s) don’t want to talk about pretty privilege.

There have been few threads about this, this subject is a taboo.

They want to believe that it’s the ’inner beauty” that counts.
Bless.