To think of you’re slim and pretty you’ll never “get it”?

[drivetosurvive]

Just to preface by saying I know we all have hang ups and insecurities- especially now with social media and filters etc

I have two close friends. One always asks me what I’m going to wear when we meet up. I hate my body and I’ve gained a lot of weight (size 14 now 20/22 so never been slim) I rarely buy clothes and just wear whet I fit into that day. I’ve been so blunt as to say “I’m fat so whatever I can find that I don’t hate” when I got fed up of that question … yet she still asks even now.

Other friend is very pretty, she gets a lot of attention and always has. I don’t want to date right now due to feeling very down about my looks and weight and she says “well men should like you for you” … which the sentiment is true but I don’t like me for me so why should a man? And it’s not easy to put yourself out there and she’s gorgeous so she’s never really had an issue of men not finding her attractive.

Aibu to think that both of them are slim and pretty and therefore having experienced what I’m going through?

You can keep your benefit don’t worry. I think it’s been decided that I’m an ugly on the inside, worthless disgusting person with a shit personality, chip on my shoulder I deserve to be lonely as I clearly don’t deserve friends

Maybe other things as well that I missed that were said to me.

Don’t worry anyone there’s nothing anyone can say to me that will make me feel more rock bottom then I already do. Or maybe keep pushing - sure there’s always a rockier bottom.

@drivetosurvive have you sat your friend down, face to face and had a serious discussion on how the questions of “what are you wearing” make you feel?

You need to be direct and firm with them. As it really affects you and does nothing for your confidence or self esteem. If they’re a good friend they’ll get it. They’ll stop it.

I don’t want sympathy, I don’t tell anyone any of this in real life. I pretend to be happy. I think a lot of people with depression do.

I’m sure you’re right, I guess it’s hard to find the right words. But I will try. Thank you.

With respect, I'm on an anonymous thread and have no reason to lie - I'm a 20, and I get hit on more now than I ever have. I have a smaller waist, big hips and boobs and clearly it works for several men 🤷🏻‍♀️

People saying just change being fat- please look up lipoedema. Not everyone can avoid being fat

Exactly.
I totally get it.

@brighteyesburninglikefire
How unnecessary. Op is so clearly struggling with her mental health. Have a think about how your words could affect someone in that position.

where did OP say she has lipoedema?

I don’t want sympathy, I don’t tell anyone any of this in real life. I pretend to be happy. I think a lot of people with depression do.

Stop pretending to be happy. Stop that right now.

Book an appointment with your GP as soon as possible. If you are in the UK self refer for some self-esteem counselling via talking therapies NHS.

You need to start telling your trusted friends how you feel. Stop pretending. Stop glazing over the questions with a “I’m fat, I’ll just wear what fits”. Instead replace your answers with:

”Actually, I don’t know what I’m going to wear. That question makes me feel really uncomfortable. I don’t like it. And would rather not be asked it in future. I’m having a really hard time and feeling quite unhappy in myself and depressed”.

Be totally honest!! Please, OP. You deserve support and help with this. Don’t wallow in self pity alone. I’m sure there will be many people willing to support you, they probably just don’t know how you’re truly feeling inside.

I genuinely never said a certain size means you’re invisible and can’t attract men.

But for me being overweight makes me self conscious and that’s what’s not attractive.

I’m unsure what got lost in translation along the way but this was never about men finding me attractive or me wanting male attention.

It was about me being stuck in a miserable rut, not feeling good and that one friend keeps asking what I’m going to wear when she’s know I struggle with clothes and another friends not understanding why I don’t put myself out there more to date. It’s because I don’t feel good and I don’t think a relationship can be that good if you personally have major hang ups (from my own personal experience).

That was it. Any reaction I have from this is just on the inside or if I cry then it’s when I’m on my own.

Yanbu. I never got it when I was slim, because I never experienced it. When I got fat I got really down about how I looked and saw it from a heavier person's point of view. Of course I had hang ups about how I looked when I was slim but can now see how bloody different it is. I have lost a lot of the weight again but those years I was heavy i was really at my lowest. Its not your friends fault that they don't get it as they haven't had the experience of feeling the feelings you feel. I hope you get to lose the weight again, if it makes you feel good about yourself. It's just so fxxxking hard!

OP you have been very rude to pp's who have shared their experience once it didn't mirror yours.

Read back over your replies after counting slowly from 1 to 10.

You cannot use the victim card when your attitude towards others stank. 👇

You can keep your benefit don’t worry. I think it’s been decided that I’m an ugly on the inside, worthless disgusting person with a shit personality, chip on my shoulder I deserve to be lonely as I clearly don’t deserve friends.

If you are in the UK self refer for some self-esteem counselling via talking therapies NHS.

Do this, yes, but a heads up that the waiting list may well be very long. Several months in my part of the UK.

Last post I see its upsetting, next time your friend asks tell her that the question irritates you so please stop asking.

Best of luck.

Oh I missed out rude and playing victim on my ever growing list. Apologies.

Exactly it just seems pointless. My anti depressants don’t work anymore and I tried different ones and they didn’t work. I couldn’t keep putting myself through the very bad beginning symptoms to not get any benefit.

I got therapy after my suicide attempt six years ago but I had one session and they didn’t think I needed more.

Sorry should have said two sessions. One in the hospital after I overdosed and then a check up session about 2 weeks later.

Oh I missed out rude and playing victim on my ever growing list. Apologies. 🙄

Why do people who have the biggest problems with others, never stop and look within themselves?

I’ve been both slim and fat. Mostly slim, but I didn’t like being overweight, so I worked on myself. I never once got irritated with anyone else because I didn’t like their innocent questions. I managed to lose over 4 stone, too.
I also still have to take the medication that made me fat in the first place.

Nobody can make you happy but you.

Thought you’d made your last post? Maybe you need to think about why you have to keep trying to have one last stab at someone.

But wasn’t that my whole point? I would rather work on myself then get external validation.

I also said I did lose weight before, but depression, bad break up, shit mental health from lockdown just contributed to the situation I’m in now.

Also does it matter if someone irritates you? If you just keep it to yourself 🤷‍♀️

the irony of your last sentence 🙄

OP makes a whole thread about pretty/slim privilege but does a patronising laugh emoji in response to a comment about the pervasive problem of racial privilege. With that, I’m out.

She assumed I was white. Don’t remember ever saying “I’m a fat white British woman”