In my view, ‘don’t put up with it’ doesn’t mean there will never be any difficulty or conflict, but in most cases it can mean it’s far reduced and mostly only happens when there’s a Eric us issue that’s worth taking notice of.
To me, this is all about doing the leg work with child rents behaviour over the long term….far in advance if holidays. It doesn’t have to mean constant conflict, but it does require effort and persistence over things that lots of people can’t be bothered with day to day. There’s no gain without short term effort and pain. So for example, children running about in a cafe. This might start at home with children leaving the table mid-meal. You can return your small children to the table every time they leave it and re-iterate the same message over perhaps 75 meal times. You can show you’re consistent and serious. At an appropriate age, if they continue to do the thing that you’ve asked them not to, there can be a consequence that you always follow through on. Consistency is how children learn. After this, when you tell them to remain seated in a cafe, you’re far more likely to find they do as you ask. The same could apply to pestering or whining or whatever. On the DS occasion when they really persist and tell you something is wrong, you actually listen, because you know what is normal for them and what’s not.
In my mind (and I know everyone won’t agree) you have to put the keg work in when they’re little and at home. You have to be consistent. You have to bear with the tedium of it, even when it would be easier to let them get away with ut and ignore it for a quiet life. This is what so many people do. They are tired and they don’t like any level of conflict with their kids and don’t even have the confidence in their own decisions about behaviour or ability to tell their children their expectations. So what happens is the kids end up ruling the roost. They know that by shouting (especially in public) or whining or doing whatever that they can wear you down. And they do. Those who can’t wear their parents down also know…and stop bothering most of the time. This isn’t about breaking the spirit if the kids or harassing them or bullying them or nagging them. It’s about having the self belief and courage to be the parent and to know what decent and appropriate behaviour for different age kids is and showing them how to do it and being consistent.
So many parents suggest they have zero control over their kids or that other people simply magically have compliant kids. It’s rarely the case and is usually because they have put a lot of long hours in behind closed doors. They made some choices which have long term consequences. And of course, this isn’t always the case. Children do have different personalities and some have all kinds of extra needs which mean their behaviour or response to parenting might not be standard. Of course that’s the case for some. But it’s also not the case with all children.
I know this kind of comment is wildly unpopular with lots. I only say it because a couple of people have directly asked what ‘not putting up with it’ means. For me, when my children were toddlers in Gift shops, I would tell them they weren’t to touch things. They were told if they did, we would leave the shop. And when they did touch, we immediately left, even if it wasn’t convenient for me and I really wanted to look at other stuff. And very quickly when I said not to do it, they quickly didn’t. Not making idle and empty threats, knowing what is a reasonable expectation and making sure they know it and carrying through is really important in my view. And before anyone decides my kids must have had a miserable and horrible oppressed time, I will say they are lovely, fun loving and energetic and that at all kinds of ages, people have commented in what good company they are. I don’t think we do our kids any favours by letting them carry in with unpleasant behaviour or in deciding that because we work, they should be allowed to have their own way regardless the rest of the time. Parents are the grown ups and children do need some guidance.