To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Unfortunately that's not my area. That's up to the parents of boys.

@Hearwego not exactly a nuanced response or understanding. No one is forcing women to marry anyone BUT I'm sure a lot of women recognize that life will/would be much easier if one did.

Well yes, but to then do so and complain that it’s wrong that your husband’s career pays more is a bit perverse.

My wife chose to go the same route as me, high-stress, long hours job but with very high pay. Had she made the choice for a more flexible / less stressful job on lower lay I don’t think she’d then be complaining that I earned more.

@Singleparent78

What you are talking about is middle to upper class women, who do or do not do a degree and then get married and faff about 2-4 days a week many with little career progression to get their pocket money. If they have 3+ Kids they often don’t work or become their husbands “secretary” to give them a sense of self importance and husband can give them pocket money without them feeling bad over it. Though essentially they are the little woman.

This is a specific group and not the rule.

I’m presuming that you have a child given the name so no need to go into the costs of children, childcare, time taken etc.

What I will say is that marriage is incentivised in this country to a certain extent as marriage breakdown costs money, as does funding single people in old age and they need children to work and pay for all the up and coming old folk…

I’m glad I haven’t read the full thread - journalist alert

The truth is the truth.

I didn't say tell your daughter she should marry rich and that's it. I said let her know that the family unit can work in the way discussed here with a breadwinner and a stay at home parent and housekeeper. And you don't have to only be that either. You can be things alongside it that you wouldn't have time for if you had the burden of making income.

Let her know that making money is not intrinsic to worth.

If your truth is different from that (instead of accompanying that) then I do believe you would be doing her a disservice.

People like to pretend, but the many threads on here as just one tiny example shows most people would love to be able to concentrate on their children and home. And if we did not have to work we would open an animal sanctuary, travel around on yachts, not go to work to essentially make money for a man who supports his stay at home wife so she can be there for their children.

But wouldn’t the same be true of a single man raising two children without help?

this has all to do with the gender pay gap. Women earn less than men and are less likely to reach senior positions because they take maternity leave and tend to be the primary care givers. So then when in a couple both can’t work full time/can’t both have highly demanding jobs, it’s usually the woman who reduces her working hours because the man earns more… and so the cycle self perpetuates.

I made sure I chose a career where I would earn enough to never be financially dependent on anyone and I earn enough to be able to support myself and my daughter (and indeed my OH if he couldn’t work) yet it is still the case that my career and earning potential has been impacted by having children.

And how many men, exactly, have to put their career progression on hold or have to give it up entirely when they have a family? How many men then find it really difficult to get back into the workplace full time at the same level they were at before they had children? How many men end up in low-paid part-time jobs to fit in with childcare needs because their partner's career is more 'important' than theirs so they are the ones who have to take the hit?

'Not many' is the answer you are looking for.

Men's income is higher because of all those things, and you find more men in management roles largely because they are in the right place at the right time to get promoted, whereas their female co-workers aren't.

How many high-powered women are there in senior roles who can concentrate entirely on their career who have a supportive spouse/partner at home who takes care of everything else?

Again, 'Not many' is the answer you are looking for.

@Robinni I'm really not talking about just middle/upper class women but, sure, what you describe is a thing. I'm also talking about the working class girls in my home town and the women at my work who work part-time and take low stress/lower salary roles. I would not consider them to be m/c or u/c.

I'd have to live with a man. I don't want to, so all the benefits wouldn't matter.

Most of my female friends work and earn about the same as their husbands. Maybe it's an age thing? I'm 36.

I've got a couple of friends who are married to lower earning men and a couple married to higher earning men.

Perhaps it depends what woman you know. My friends all did well, university and professional careers. We are all high earners, £100k+ in our 30s. Mostly married equally high earning husbands. Yes many of my friends work 4 days now due to kids, but would be financially fine if they were to become single again.

This post has tended to focus on career women who have had to step back once they have kids. But what about the women who don't have careers - like the girls in my hometown who left school at 17 to marry not soon after and become SAHM?

It's still a life option for women to rely on a man and often an easier option than working.

I have always been the higher earner

What you are talking about is middle to upper class women, who do or do not do a degree and then get married and faff about 2-4 days a week many with little career progression to get their pocket money. If they have 3+ Kids they often don’t work or become their husbands “secretary” to give them a sense of self importance and husband can give them pocket money without them feeling bad over it. Though essentially they are the little woman.

Wow - that post is just dripping with chip-on-the-shoulder nastiness and internalised misogyny. There is really no need to belittle other women for choosing jobs which fit in with their lives and families by describing the perfectly legitimate work they do and money they earn in such scathing and patronising terms.

my exhusband benefitted hugely from our divorce (50:50 and I was the high earner, well he did f-all!). My husband now isn't a high earner and I have changed jobs and work in early years so absolutely not a high earner at all!
I am the default for childcare for my 1 child and if I can't work, I don't get paid. However I am very lucky that we do not have a mortgage (I paid it off). My husband's ex wife somehow manages to claim benefits left right and centre as she is single but was paid a massive amount of money (60:40 split to her).
I agree that there are many MC high earners whose wives to absolutely FA (check out FB for photos of their trips etc) however it doesn't bother me but as I said, I am in a position where we will not lose the roof over our heads. Difficult times financially though

I agree with you poster. Marriage much easier. I was one of those woman now

Single sometime and life significantly harder alone. However all the men left to date on the market and bitter n broke so attaching them to me often means it's not financially worth it and I'm not going to respect a cocklodger.

I wish I was better off being married but my dh does not work and has health issues so we are worse off then most I watched something online the other week where single mothers were moving in together with kids to help with the financial costs which I think is great and a possible think more people will do in the future

The truth that I will be telling her... which is the truth that she already knows from her own experience...is that it's perfectly possible for a woman to have a fulfilling and successful career and to have a happy family and close, hands-on relationships with her children, if that's what is what she chooses. That children can be equally happy and well adjusted whether their parents work outside the home or not. That men and women are equally capable of fulfilling caring, nurturing roles. That it is important for individuals to pursue their dreams and live their lives in a way that feels right to them, regardless of what anyone else thinks. And yes, that making money most certainly isn't intrinsic to personal worth but that financial independence does provide a certain degree of freedom.

It seems to me from your post that you think intrinsic worth only comes from employment.

It seems you think there is nothing worthwhile about raising children and only raising children.

Am I right or wrong?

It's still a life option for women to rely on a man and often an easier option than working.

^

It's totally circumstantial.

IF the man is a high earner ( relatively speaking, he could be a high earning supermarket worker, or CEO of a Big 4) THEN the woman is probably in a good position. Better perhaps than she might have been.

If she marries someone who loses their job, they get divorced, and he contributes nothing regarding childcare then she will be worse off.

The problem there is a lack of education and low aspirations, your take on it is bizarre

I can't fathom it's anything but a choice to earn less. I could be wrong and I can only go from experience. The data shows women earn less overall, but I know many women in senior positions who are mothers. What didn't stop them that stopped the other women you speak of?

The reason I never got to a senior position was because I never tried to, not because of any barriers to me being a woman.

The women I know all took a whole year off for each baby.

The questions I'm asking you and others with this position is: what barrier existed for the women you speak of that was intrinsic to them being female, that did not exist for the women I know and the ones I don't who are mothers in senior positions who took a year maternity year off work multiple times?

Also, I'm sure it's been mentioned women contribute enormously: wife work I.E. Unpaid, supposedly unseen, definitely undervalued contributions towards the running of the house and family.

That's why you see those mêmes : nanny, cook, nurse, taxi, doctor, psychiatrist, entertainer, etc etc.

Also known as chief cook and bottle washer.

i earn double what my husband does, plus had savings before we met. He’s done well financially by marrying me. I do agree that having a second household salary makes life a lot easier tho, especially when on mat leave.
i don’t doubt that many women have gained financial comfort through marriage but I would guess that is more and more rare these days, and it is more common for both parents to work.