To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

I hear what you are saying, OP, it's bloody hard work slogging it out as a single woman. I also sometimes look at the lifestyles of my friends who have two incomes and feel a bit miffed. However, I do massively appreciate my freedom and autonomy. I have a huge amount of control over my life, and I can make most decisions without having to compromise. In retirement and later life I will be able to suit myself and live where and how I want. For me, that freedom is absolutely golden.

This is said ALL the time but most men I know in most kind of jobs would earn the same kind of income regardless of whether they have support at home or not. Granted there are perhaps the very high flying, long hours, lots of travel jobs where obviously ones ability to do that job is infinitely easier if you have a stay at home spouse when children are little. But they are surely a small minority of jobs. Most men I know have the same kind of jobs with occasional promotions (just like everyone else) right through their lives regardless of what is going on in their private or family lives.

I don't agree that it's a small minority of jobs.
The ideal world (for me) is that both parents do equal amount if childcare which allows both people to progress their career but that's not always the reality.
There are also a number of men who won't push back and ensure that they are also available to do their share of childcare.

If your job involves a commute, travel or an expectation that you work outside the 9-5 then that's quite challenging if you are also having to juggle all of the childcare.

I am probably exactly who you are talking about if you met me as an acquaintance.

Work part time in a minimum wage job, drive a nice car, have a nice house etc.

It might appear I live off my DP. What you don’t know is that to me my pt job is a hobby job for my enjoyment. I created and built two businesses - both of which now hire my DP. That’s not something you would know unless you really know me. Even if you knew about our businesses you would probably assume they are DPs creation.

do you genuinely believe that, @HugoTheBoss? And as a single parent does that mean my career is doomed because (a) I don't have someone ironing my shirts or picking up the kids for me and (b) because I have to compete against enabled men like your husband?

Not doomed but I think it's fair to say that life is easier for men like that than it is for working mothers, and in some cases they have an advantage over single women too. And one of the unfairnesses for mothers in the workplace is they have to compete with men like this. You don't believe that? They don't have much to worry about, do they, in a lot of cases.

Anyway, it's true in some cases that men couldn't do what they do without their wives; my husband could not have have moved to this country to earn what he does without me to be here for DS. And no-one had better tell me that without me he wouldn't have kids blah blah because the kids are no more inevitable in my existence than his, and nor was I the only one who wanted them.

But that ceiling wasn’t because of your sex, it was because of the career that you were in, surely?

Actually, my mum desperately regrets the fact that she gave up her career to be a SAHP. Whether she will think about that on her deathbed or not, I do not know, but I do know that she has spent the best past of the last 35 years wishing that she had made different choices.

So yes, I'll absolutely be telling my daughter the truth about careers and motherhood, but I suspect that my truth is somewhat different from yours.

The problem is OP, that your links proving married women have greater assets, (which you still haven't posted), are presumably data gathered from all married women, aged, what, mid 20s to 90s. So a very large, even a majority of the participants would not have had the opportunities to bring in a good income, whether they married or not. Neither of my grandmothers (80s) worked other than a very odd part time job. Even my mother and her friends (50s-60s) nearly all took time off for at least a decade to look after kids then went back part time. There are obviously exceptions to this, I know some women have had careers for years, but it wasn't the norm. Also a lot more women got married (even if they later divorced), and the vast majority had children.

Things have changed LOADS over the last 20 years, but you're relying on data sets spanning the last 60 plus.

If there is data for women in long term heterosexual AND homosexual partnerships AND single women aged 25-40 only then I'd be surprised if there's as big a difference.

YABU because you are being so selective in your reckoning.

If I think about my close friends one is single and a self-made millionaire, another is a very successful business woman whose husband has always been a kept man. Their family lives entirely on her earnings built from scratch as she came from a poor background. Another earns way more than her husband and subsidises him. I earn more than DH. He used to earn far more than me but got made redundant. Two other very close friends are in exactly the situation you describe - work PT with high earning husbands.

I also know socially women who were financially dependent on their husbands, in trad roles of child-rearing, housekeeping and doing vital voluntary work in our community, whose man have just left them for someone new. They now have to start from scratch. A scary place to be and not one I would ever recommend.

You could equally argue that the men have it lucky because they go out to pursue their careers and gain high financial and social status because there is a woman in the background doing the childcare and housekeeping. If a man had to juggle children and home on his own, he'd likely be in a smaller set up and paying through the nose for nannies.

My DH is significantly better off as a result of being married to me. He obviously didn't get the memo.

I don't think it's so much about men and women, but simply about co-habiting. A friend in her 30s lives with her mum and she's able to devote a lot of her time doing volunteer work (while working part time in paid employment). I wouldn't be able to afford that.

Even two people on low to average incomes will find it easier to bring in more money than one person living alone. And of course lots of costs are fixed - my broadband for example costs the same even though there's just me using it, and the fridge will use up the same amount of electricity. There are also some "family" discounts I can't get - even Spotify is less per person if there are two or more of you sharing the subscription.

Then the other aspect of it is the time and mental energy that goes into doing everything. It's always me taking the bins out, cleaning the bathroom, booking in a boiler service and taking the cats to vets.

The difference is though, it’s far easier for a man to leave a marriage and start again than it is for a woman, especially if that man hasn’t had to sacrifice his career and doesn’t bother taking his kids with him, which is generally what happens.

Your OP shows that men secure better and higher salaries because they have wives.
Funny, how that isn't the angle you went for though. What could your focus possibly mean or show about your intentions? Hmm, it's a real mystery.

@latetothefisting you're not wrong, in that the data will reflect households that include many women who didn't work as standard at a time when that was the norm . (Although I have to say that 'truism' can grate, as many wc women worked, just not mc and uc women).

If I can just find the data in my bookmarks that would be helpful though, wouldn't it! ONS do publish this (bel0w) but it's not very detailed and doesn't break down hhld composition.

https://www.ons.gov.uk/peoplepopulationandcommunity/persapril2018tomarch2020#wealth-by-characteristics

I'm surprised about this because all the reports I've read, always say that you live longer if you're married. Or maybe it just feels like you do? Anyway, something medically positive about being single.

I do remember a few years ago, a lunchtime news report about the occurrence of breast cancer. The reporter said that women who had children younger in life were less likely to get breast cancer than those who had children later in life. and there followed a long report. And at the end the WOMAN reporter said, "But the good news is that people with children are less likely to get breast cancer than women who've never had children." I remember almost dropping my sandwich. Good news?! Not for me! How did that even get broadcast?

Well of course they do. 2 incomes are better than one. 2 women married to each other will hold more wealth/assets than a single woman, as will 2 men. As will a man and woman unmarried partnership.

2 is a bigger number than 1. It's not about marriage.

And btw, lots of us women are the higher earners in our partnerships, thanks very much. My husband benefits financially from marriage to ME.

What are you talking about @DaisyQuakeJohnson? Are you one of the posters who suggest that men can only be successful if they have a martyred SAHW doing all the enabling work? Like that's the only route to success?

I raised this question because marrying remains the best option for many women to secure their financial future. Should we be happy with that?

If you have a partner who’s well paid , it stands to reason that you would be better off financially than someone who’s single and not so well paid.

I'm surprised about this because all the reports I've read, always say that you live longer if you're married. Or maybe it just feels like you do? Anyway, something medically positive about being single.

I think studies show that married men live longer than single men, but single women live longer than married women? I may be wrong but I'm sure that's a stat I've heard many times.

Not this woman. Married to a partner who became a SAHD when the kids were teeny and hasn't been able to get back into work since.

I realise I'm in the minority but your OP is hyper presumptive.

But that ceiling wasn’t because of your sex, it was because of the career that you were in, surely?

And we know that women are more likely to work in lower paid sectors ( women are over represented in education and healthcare for example)
There is also evidence that women will choose a career/sector for it's perceived flexibility over status, promotion opportunities and salary - whereas men tend to value salary, travel and promotion more than flexibility.
The research suggests that women choose family friendly jobs before they even have children in anticipation of needing flexibility later. Men do not do this.

Societal expectations play a huge part in all of this.

@CupidStunt22

I agree

I earn 4x DH

Has he furthered my career - no that was my Hard work, effort and achievement.
He has sacrificed nothing but gained and benefited from a lot more.

(Had DH been a woman though 🤔 according to MN of course he made sacrifices and was instrumental in my career!)

"Marrying well" has always been a thing. It's a well trodden pathway to a nice life for both men and women. Fine when it works but messy if it doesn't.

Well nobody should have to marry anyone for any reason.
If some women want to marry men for their own financial affairs, that’s their own agenda.
Not everyone marries someone who’s well off.
Also the man has to presumably want to marry the women in the first place.
You make it sound like women are forced to marry men because they can’t make it on their own.
I don’t get your point, if your happy being single fine. If you want to marry someone , also fine.Is this a debate you’re looking for?

AIBU to be amazed how much men benefit domestically from marriage??