To be amazed how much women benefit financially from marriage

[Singleparent78]

I've been single most of my adult life, worked FT and built up a good career but despite this... I'm always struck how much better off women who are married are than me.

It's not just about the merging together of two salaries, but about how much easier financial life is when you have the benefit of a man's higher average income, giving many women a lifestyle they could never afford on their own salaries.

Consider:

• the many women I work with on low salaries or working part-time who are living much nicer lifestyles than I as they have a man significantly supplementing them.

• the married women I know at 45+ who have moved to part-time or stopped working as they have accrued significant savings with their dh but, critically, their dh is now a high earner who can pay for both of them.

• the girls from school who didn't go onto further education, got married soon out of school and haven't worked at all or a bit of p-time - they mostly live in nice houses and cars, have enjoyed nice holidays etc. There hasn't been much 'penalty' for not being independent or not having a career.

All in all these women, by way of marriage, seem to have an easier go than solo me slogging it out for 30 years working FT and trying my best to be independent.... like the teachers at school told us girls to be!

I understand: all the constraints on women to generate their own income esp the gender pay gap and the impact of childrearing; that the above scenarios don't apply to all couples; that I'm assuming a heterosexual set up; that women contribute within marriages in other way than bringing in income; and that assets in a marriage are shared as is any income that comes into a marriage. I know people might think I'm being anti-women for challenging women's choices or women's rights or just plain bitter...

Still, AIBU to wonder:.......Is it not depressing that the best or most common way for women to be financially comfortable or create wealth is still through marriage and the merging of assets with a man?

Generational. I’ve never wanted a high paying career, I don’t like the stress and pressure that comes with it. I prefer a slower, calmer lifestyle.

Yes, I am financially privileged. I recognise this. I do what I can to help the less fortunate and I raise my children to do so. What am I supposed to do, choose an option I don’t agree with because some people don’t have the choices available that I do?

If you read my comments, you’ll see I’m fully supportive of making staying at home for one parent more financially viable for all families, precisely so that it’s not only the middle and upper class who can afford to have a real choice.

This has made me laugh out loud. I spiky some crumbs on the floor the other day and realised I had no idea how to use my vacuum cleaner because it's only 6 months old and I haven't vacuumed my house in that time 🤣 Apparently my DH researched and purchased a different make of vacuum cleaner when the old one broke. Whole episode clearly completely passed me by! Maybe I'm horribly "enabled" like many men being spoken about on here 😕

Ah another who fails to understand that capitalist societies are engineered to keep the majority of the population in "crap jobs". Historically this has been achieved through surplus birth rates and/or immigration, which ensured there was always more new people coming in to take up the "poverty jobs" than were leaving them.

A capitalist society would fall apart if everyone was able to progress up the career ladder into what you deem "good jobs". Now that we have a declining birth rate and reduce immigration we're starting to see exactly what happens when you undervalue the foundation of your society and deem all the roles fundamental to its success as crap

Still must make you feel good knowing you're so much more superior than those who "chose to work a minimum wage job".

Right but that presumes financial necessity, which of course I understand. That wasn’t the scenario presented.

The fact financial necessity isn't a given for you added to your airy talk of generational wealth makes all your words pointless. Soz, I can't even ...

Yes, I am financially privileged. I recognise this. I do what I can to help the less fortunate and I raise my children to do so. What am I supposed to do, choose an option I don’t agree with because some people don’t have the choices available that I do?

No, you're 'meant' to choose the option you feel is best for you and your family. Without judging that of others and saying you can't understand why people have kids if they don't 'raise them themselves' which is how you describe working parents.

It might be worth (and I mean this genuinely so would be interested in your thoughts) you considering that you being financially privileged means you aren't trying very hard to understand how women without that privilege growing up will see work as an absolute necessity and for some, see work as actually something liberating? How if they start from having zero money, no parental help, know there will be no inheritance at any point in their life etc, they will likely feel a huge passion for being financially independent and modelling a workplace work ethic for their kids? Please understand I am absolutely not saying SAHM don't work hard too, I'm saying that someone without your privilege might be passionate about showing their children (especially daughters) that they don't need to rely on other people financially and can be independent financially etc?

If you've grown up financially privilege I think that your stance is hypocritical as you've benefited hugely from a system you now want to rally against and judge others for not doing the same, but it does mean your remarks make more sense as it may be that you're ignorant to the reality of many working single parents and working couples who are parents.

No it doesn’t. The scenario presented was one where the individuals were financially secure and didn’t need a double income. So that’s obviously not the same as people who need a double income to survive, and I’ve argued multiple times that more should be done to address the ridiculous costs of living and the fact a double income is now often a necessity.

I don't think a generationally wealthy individual is in a position to tell the masses what level of wealth is enough for them or represents security for any family. It's really not your lane. Thanks though

@ForestFae I work because I enjoy it. I work even though my DH could support us (unless he was made redundant/ill health).

You are saying that I should not be a mother. That the time DS, his dad and I have together from 4pm to 8pm bedtime, mornings, weekends, time we both take off when he is sick, the joy he brings to his 4 grandparents, does not positively outweigh the time he spends at nursery and that he is a pointless addition to my life and the world. And you think that that is not an offensive stance.

I cannot imagine you would ever say this to a woman's face.

Btw, any of your generational wealth actually earned by you or are you just depleting it for the next generation while telling everyone else how to live?

@ForestFae , anecdotal evidence really isn't helpful here. My own dd has infinitely better mental health than I did at her age, and I would say that my issues as a teenager were at least in part due to the deep unhappiness of my SAHP mum. Of Mt dd's two closest friends who had SAHMs when they were younger, one is doing quite well now but has a history of self harming whereas the other has significant issues with OCD. Her boyfriend is extremely happy, balanced and stable and had two FT working parents. Another of her friends has excellent mental health despite having had a working mum and dealing with a lot of family trauma, but her two younger siblings are really struggling.

So what should I conclude from that small data set? Absolutely fuck all, anecdotes are not data.

I didn’t. Someone else presented the scenario and stated they were financially secure. You however have made up this narrative that it’s about financial necessity when that’s not remotely what it was about.

What a ridiculous post.
This has pissed me off massively. I benefit from having a husband who works school hours, does childcare monday-friday and school holidays. When the kids were in nursery he earned less than the childcare costs.

Yes, I can understand that. I have a safety net that others don’t have, and also have a supportive family. But again this comes back to what I said about society - it’s normal now for people to live miles from their family, for example. The extended family network that humans used to depend on is gone for many people.

Again, my criticism is with the normalisation and necessity of a two income household. I’d rather we lived in sustainable communities where the labour we did was direct to our need and we lived and raised children in the outdoors together.

I don’t think it’s hypocritical to criticise capitalism because I grew up privileged. I don’t think it’s “fair” I got more choices than others because my dad is wealthy.

No, I agree that anecdotes don’t really say much, which is why I said I think further study is necessary to make any firm conclusions.

I’m not saying you shouldn’t. I said I don’t understand why you would choose it. You’re free to choose what you want, and I defend your right to do that.

Absolute bullshit.

You said it was pointless.

Okay princess

Marriage is very risky for anyone with more assets than their partner, they are so vulnerable, much better to not get married at all. People should see marriage for what it is, a financial partnership.

Yeah, like I said, most of the peer-reviewed ones that I've read, such as the big Harvard study a few years ago, show a neutral impact on happiness and wellbeing in later life.

" he is a pointless addition to my life and the world"

Sorry this just jumped out at me.

What about your contribution to him though and his dad?

Surely when we choose to have DC it's About what we can give to them?

I honestly don't understand why you have made the choices that you have made, either, OP. They don't appeal to me in the slightest, but I don't feel compelled to reject them as odd or unnatural in any way. I just accept that you have made different choices to mine and that you probably have your own reasons for that.

Why do you have such a strong need to make out that you're a better parent than mothers who work outside the home?

I think what you are referring to here is that 2 salaries are easier to survive on than one. I think you are confusing this with women being reliant on men. I don't think gender is part of this. I am 30 and have lots of single friends who haven't got on the property ladder etc yet. This isn't because they need a male's wages, but more because life and the cost of living is so much easier with 2 wages. And yes that can mean one adult may choose to go part time because of this as wages become higher. I appreciate this is not a possible choice if you are single - this is only an option for many when 2 salaries are involved, whichever gender those salaries are earned by.

There are studies all over ,how can they be standardised?
A baby in the care of a loving parent l, there to attend to it every whim whilst it's vulnerable and non verbal v the baby in a baby "room" cared for when the carer is able to get to them?

How will that ever be better?

A glance at articles for other ages comes up with " toddlers at nursery have better speech and blah than those sat at home with a parent".

Again, but what if the toddler wasn't sat at home but out at various groups socialising in the exact way they would be at a nursery except with a loving parent there with them?

I don’t think it’s hypocritical to criticise capitalism because I grew up privileged. I don’t think it’s “fair” I got more choices than others because my dad is wealthy.

But you took generational money rather than saying no thank you and either earning it yourself or giving it all to charity to make things more fair?

I'm not saying you were wrong to, at all, I'm just trying to explain why it seems hypocritical to say a system is broke while benefiting from the broken system more than the vast, vast majority of people in it.

I'm sorry but I don't believe you can't see why your earlier comments were offensive and mean spirited.

I have a safety net that others don’t have, and also have a supportive family.

Two parent families who don't have these things and could technically live on one wage but would like themselves to offer their children the financial safety net your family have given you, shouldn't be made to feel by people like you that one of them should stay home when the kids are babies or there's no point them being parents... I honestly don't know how you can't see what an audacious thing to say it is especially when family wealth is the reason you have the freedom to make the choice between working and not yourself.

You seem to think that if a family can 'cope' on one salary, it's still best for one parent to always be at home. But what if they don't want their kids to grow up in a home where they just cope? What if they want to earn enough to save over the years and give their kids what your family has given you and you have accepted from them - financial security.

It's so incredibly hypocritical to judge others who don't have the opportunities you've had.