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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
MargosKaftan · 28/05/2022 16:29

Your post is a list of you making other peoples problems yours.

You invited the neighbours in and had a long chat, including bringing up about the distance from the bus stop- this isn't something you should even be discussing.

You arranged to go away with someone who doesn't drive and you know will be reliant on you for lifts.

You invited a non-driving nephew to stay.

You have involved yourself in other people's lives who don't drive and effectively made yourself part of the solution.

Just stop.

dottiedodah · 28/05/2022 16:32

i find some of these posts odd to say the least.Not everyone like driving but they do it for their kids to get around ,and because they need to get to work .It seems a shame to pass their test and not drive! Ricky Gervais ,JK Rowling and Kate Beckinsale are celebrities able to buy a fleet of Taxis. Mrs Average doesnt want to board the bus with DC to School then be late for work ,so she drives .No one is Stirling Moss or Lewis Hamilton, but we have all passed a test showing our compency to drive at a reasonable safe standard!

CentrifugalBumblePuppy · 28/05/2022 16:35

I don’t drive (disability related) but I sure as anything don’t whine or expect people to drive me anywhere! I’m lucky in that DH drives, but if I need to attend anything, or business meetings, or whatever, I’ll sort out my own method of travelling.

I could bear to be a CF when it comes to moving around!

You new neighbours are absolutely the pinnacle of non driving cheeky fuckers.

dottiedodah · 28/05/2022 16:46

i find some of these posts odd to say the least.Not everyone like driving but they do it for their kids to get around ,and because they need to get to work .It seems a shame to pass their test and not drive! Ricky Gervais ,JK Rowling and Kate Beckinsale are celebrities able to buy a fleet of Taxis. Mrs Average doesnt want to board the bus with DC to School then be late for work ,so she drives .No one is Stirling Moss or Lewis Hamilton, but we have all passed a test showing our compency to drive at a reasonable safe standard!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 28/05/2022 16:47

Of course I should have said a firm no and left it at that but I was already way off-balance

I undersand, OP - I really do, because normal people don't always see this nonsense coming and it can throw us off

All good practice, though, for when they actually move in

WouldBeGood · 28/05/2022 16:53

YANBU

It’s totally fucking annoying. Fine, don’t drive. But don’t expect other people to ferry you about.

Now that I’m old I think I’d just bluntly tell them that you won’t ne giving them lifts ever!

ForestofD · 28/05/2022 17:02

I also think some people who live in the city have no idea what transport is like in a rural area. (You mentioning Hereford reminds me of this) I work in hospitality and just this week had someone ring up. What's the nearest train station pls? (Named town 15 miles away.) Oh- doesn't closest town have a train station? Closed in the 1960.'s. You will also have to go via Birmingham.

Can you get a taxi- yes, but you must pre-book as there's hardly any around. Is it expensive? Yep.
Bus from London? Yes, but only once a day and arrives at 6pm.

In an exasperated tone she asked- 'how does anyone get around?' Answer- everyone drives everywhere.

Agapornis · 28/05/2022 17:03

You can definitely take tools and camping gear on public transport, I do so regularly! Cover up the sharp bits, keep long handles to yourself, and expect odd looks Grin

I have a licence but no car - they're just CFs.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 28/05/2022 17:04

YANBU. I married a non driver and it makes life very difficult for me. He’s fine - like lots of the non drivers on this thread he uses public transport or cycles almost everywhere. What he doesn’t see is that everything family related falls to me. All the kids activities, all transporting of heavy stuff or DIY stuff, all holiday transport, all hospital appointments etc. pain in the neck. If he was posting on this thread he would say he manages just fine. He just doesn’t get it. To those of you with young kids, please do yourself a favour and learn. You don’t need two cars in the family but the freedom even with just the occasional use of a car is immense . I live in a small city but my kids would miss out on so much if I couldn’t drive

CounsellorTroi · 28/05/2022 17:04

I passed my test at 26 on the fifth attempt. It took me that long because of a combination of not having anyone to practise with apart from my mother who was herself a reluctant and nervous driver, and the wrong instructor. Finally passed with my fourth instructor and am now a pretty confident driver. I’m so glad I kept at it.

Being able to drive was an absolute godsend when my mum started getting frail and needing more support. I don’t know how I would have coped otherwise.

Norgie · 28/05/2022 17:05

I don't offer or give lifts to anyone, regardless of who they are.
If anyone asks, I just say no and shut it down.
If I wanted to be a taxi driver then I'd stick a taxi sign on the roof of my car and start charging fares.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/05/2022 17:07

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 28/05/2022 14:21

This is me. Not everyone should drive and I’ve done the world a favour by getting off the road.

Absolutely. There are far too many shit drivers out there, and if I’d somehow scraped through my test, I would have been one of them.

I took a year’s worth of driving lessons, having been badgered into by my dad. I hated every second of it and still

Fucking thing didn’t post properly 🤬 I meant to say that I still couldn’t drive after a year of lessons. My dad was annoyed that he’d ‘wasted’ the money only for me to give up, but he’d have wasted just as much if I’d spent another year trying (and hating every second) and still hadn’t passed.

I honestly believe there should be a limit on how many times you can take the test. I cringe when I see posts on here saying ‘AIBU to give up trying to drive after eight failed tests?’ and people queue up to say ‘Don’t give up, you can do it!’ If they'd failed several tests to get a licence to use any other piece of heavy machinery with the potential to kill, everyone would tell them to for god’s sake give up. Because it’s a car, you have to keep pushing because ‘It’s a life skill!!’

chaosmaker · 28/05/2022 17:08

Left up to me, I'd raise the age of driving to 25. People would get used to getting places on public transport. Then they may decide not to learn at all. I agree that you have more 'freedom' in some regards but it is also a huge financial burden. All the upkeep costs, insurance, petrol, breakdown cover, etc. etc. etc.
I learned to drive at 42 (not the OP's mother) and managed to get everywhere I wanted to go by planning. Was also much fitter as I walked miles and miles. Roads are too full and as said previously there are lots on the roads that shouldn't be. People don't seem to be able to indicate or where they do on roundabouts, indicate correctly. No idea why this. Along with stopping at a red light over the line you are meant to stop behind. Less drivers would be better. To the OP - Say no to anyone taking the piss with asking for lifts. Doing the odd favour is completely different. No never needs justification either :)

chaosmaker · 28/05/2022 17:13

LindaEllen · 28/05/2022 12:50

YANBU.

I support people's decisions 100% not to learn to drive if they don't want to, but then it's up to them to get themselves from a to b.

We're having this issue with DP's son at the moment, who is almost 19. He started learning to drive (paid for by us) and is supposed to be carrying on this summer when he gets back from uni, as we still have lessons left from the block we paid for.

He's complaining about it, saying he doesn't understand why he needs to drive - we've said he'll thank us for it when he graduates and is looking for jobs. We're paying for his lessons, we've said as soon as he passes we will sign DP's car over to him (which is a decent car!), he's got everything on a plate. But he doesn't want to do it.

He worked at McDonald's last summer, which included early mornings and late finishes, meaning he needs a lift (or pay for a taxi - guess which he chooses?) and he's going back there this summer too. Just assuming that yes, me or DP will get up at 5.30 to get him in for 6, or that we'll stay up until midnight to pick up him at the end of the shift when he's on a late. We have our own jobs to get to, and he had the option of getting his driving done last summer (my family member is teaching him and offered an intense course to get him passed before uni - he did his theory).

It's fucking annoying, knowing that we will have to ferry him places, paying for the petrol to do so, because he would rather sit on his computer in his spare time instead of learning to drive - which he's not being asked to pay a single penny for.

But you are being unreasonable pandering to him in giving him lifts. He has no incentive to drive. Make him get taxis or annoy colleagues for lifts in future....

Teddeh · 28/05/2022 17:13

YABU. If someone asks you for a favour you can't or don't want to do, say no. It doesn't require a whole weird subjective philosophy around it about what other people SHOULD do.

Also it's not very ethical to be encouraging more driving of private vehicles in the current global situation. If you want to do something constructive around this issue, advocate for accessible, available and affordable mass transit - which is likely to mean on request and by appointment in rural areas, leaving aside emergencies.

DaisyWaldron · 28/05/2022 17:15

Most people who reach mature adulthood without being able to drive have a good reason, whether it's health, money, personal history etc.

I've already spent thousands of pounds on driving lessons. I have a minimum wage job. My kids need the money I earn more than they need me to be able to drive.

rookiemere · 28/05/2022 17:28

@DaisyWaldron I wouldn't worry about it. Many mumsnetters seem to have an almost pathological insistence that you're not a fully fledged grown up unless you drive and own a car, without acknowledging that both of these things cost quite a lot of money.

My own view is that I couldn't give a fig if people can drive or not, provided they don't expect me to give them lifts unless it's on my own terms. Thankfully all my friends and relatives are normal and don't take advantage of me.

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 28/05/2022 17:38

I was late to driving
I still find driving quite anxiety inducing tbh.
For years I wasnt interested and have never needed to drive as such,but one day I decided I wanted to learn so as that I could take DC further afield without DH.
But during my non -driving time I never, ever asked for lifts. Not even DH really. But as other posters have said, some people kind of tried to force lifts:
"Oh I will drop you home "
"Dont get the bus!!"
" let me know what days you are working and I will pick you up"

No thanks. I like sitting on the bus on my own.
My dc have legs and dont need driving everywhere
Dont feel sorry for me. It's my choice

OP I think that it's more about you (and other posters)who can't imagine life without a car and are probably too lazy to even contemplate walking or public transport. Cannot even go a day without relying on the car. Panic if car breaks or goes to garage and use and car for everything. Rural dwellers are exceptions of course

As for the people who are asking for lifts OP they are just CF in general.

BellePeppa · 28/05/2022 17:41

dottiedodah · 28/05/2022 16:32

i find some of these posts odd to say the least.Not everyone like driving but they do it for their kids to get around ,and because they need to get to work .It seems a shame to pass their test and not drive! Ricky Gervais ,JK Rowling and Kate Beckinsale are celebrities able to buy a fleet of Taxis. Mrs Average doesnt want to board the bus with DC to School then be late for work ,so she drives .No one is Stirling Moss or Lewis Hamilton, but we have all passed a test showing our compency to drive at a reasonable safe standard!

So have I (passed the test) I don’t like driving, it induces panic attacks ergo I don’t drive. Not everyone who doesn’t drive is an entitled CF or a selfish oddity or expecting their driver friends to ferry them around. I don’t understand what your point is?

Mary46 · 28/05/2022 17:44

A great life skill. It is annoying. 2 friends non drivers. One took me way out of my route for a coffee. Said it was too far from her no regular bus. Would be easier if she drove

WouldBeGood · 28/05/2022 17:57

@chaosmaker that wouldn’t work in Scotland or other rural areas. People need to drive there.

Itsnotonlyrainbows · 28/05/2022 17:58

Saying its a life skill is irritating

Lillimae32 · 28/05/2022 18:00

The folk you describe are being unreasonable but so are you with the whole everyone should learn attitude. It’s really hard to find an instructor just now. Booking a test in the near future is just as difficult. I know this cause I recently learned how to drive myself. Average needed is 45 hours of lessons plus 20 hours of practice, at 65 quid for a two hour lesson that’s almost 1,500 then another 1k+ for a car to practice in. Then there are test fees.

BellePeppa · 28/05/2022 18:04

pitterypattery00 · 28/05/2022 15:49

Like several PPs, because I can't drive I have always structured my life in a way that makes having a car unnecessary (living centrally, good public transport links etc). I'm now in my 40s and have only ever asked for a lift a handful of times in my adult life.

I find people often assume I'll need a lift and offer without me asking - maybe because I never ask e.g. 'the bus will take longer, I can drop you off' etc. when in reality I have no problem with taking public transport/walking.

There are a few things I've had to miss out on over the years. Most recently some of the mums in my antenatal group met up in a place that I couldn't easily access by public transport so I couldn't go. I worry that those kind of things may increase in the future but am trying to be accepting that that's just how things are and to not feel like a failure.

I'd be interested in the experiences of other non drivers with children - does it get harder? x

There have been a handful of times when not driving has been a hassle with children but I could honestly count it on one hand (maybe one and a half), they’re young adults now so not a problem. It was fine but maybe that’s because I live in a very convenient place for walking, buses and trains. It doesn’t make sense to live rurally if you don’t drive.

Snowraingain · 28/05/2022 18:05

My sainted brother lives in London and neither he or his gf drive. For environmental reasons and they don't need to most of the time. But it's amazing how often my mum insists I give him a lift or pick them up.