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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
Shehasadiamondinthesky · 28/05/2022 15:24

You should have said no right from the off. Now you've made a rod for your own backs and set a precedent.

Mommabear20 · 28/05/2022 15:29

YANBU! In my family, everyone drives, but in my husbands, only his dad drives (and now me through marriage obviously).
I'm forever getting texts and phone calls for lifts from DH siblings! One called just the other night for a lift to go pick up a bed they had bought on Facebook at 9pm! I've got 2 kids under 2 and pregnant, when I told them I and the kids were in bed, they replied with, 'well you could go pick it up and drop it at my house and I'll stay at yours with the kids!' 🤔 erm no.

TheLightYears · 28/05/2022 15:29

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 15:22

The neighbours-to-be. Just to clarify, these people haven't moved in yet. The sale hasn't completed. We knew the lady who used to live in the house and her children. We'd been helping to look after her during lockdown. The children told me the house had been sold and and the names of the purchasers so when they rang the bell and introduced themselves I knew who they were. They'd come by train and bus to tidy the garden.
The diary. They asked a couple of questions about the local community and I got my iPad and showed them the Community Council page. They'd just told me their nice neighbours ferried them around, which I was processing with a kind of internal 'Nooooooooo!' when she asked if I was likely to be going into town at 4pm. I knew I was tied up all afternoon so I clicked on my diary without thinking too much about it and we all saw that I had 2pm-5pm blocked out. I said something like 'I'm not going anywhere this afternoon, ha-ha.' Of course I should have said a firm no and left it at that but I was already way off-balance.
The Hereford connection. I've told her she'll have to use the bus or get a cab. Once the camper's in place and levelled up and the gas and fridge are on, it's going nowhere.
My nephew. I don't think he's a CF. I understand that living in London one doesn't need a car. I have work on that week which I can't get out of and when he started telling me about the places they'd like to go I realised that they have little idea of how poor public transport is here. One of the places they want to go is a 90 minute drive from here. The quickest way using public transport is more than 4 hours.

Why just why are you getting so involved in all this?
I couldnt care less if the people/ neighbours/ anyone moving in took a fucking unicorn to work let alone drove/ bus/ taxi.
Its zero to do with me.
You are stepping forward to get involved and then moaning.
Step away!

C8H10N4O2 · 28/05/2022 15:33

Personally I think whinging car drivers should grow some backbone and learn to say "no" when they don't want to give lifts.

Much cheaper all round.

EcafTnuc · 28/05/2022 15:38

Depends where you live though. Growing up in the north east I could walk 5 minutes to the metro, and be in Newcastle in 5 mins, Sunderland in 10, the beach or the airport in 20. Could also easily get public transport out to the countryside and did a few times to go camping in Hexham. Now living in the East Midlands it’s shit and I really wish I could drive because it’s a public transport hellhole but I’m too poor.

Your situation sounds like a combination of shot public transport and cheeky fuckers. I do think you should tell your nephew about the public transport being poor, it’s possible he hasn’t researched properly and you’ll be doing no one any favours by not.

BriOnly · 28/05/2022 15:42

Yes, learn to simply say no if it’s not convenient for you to give a lift (or you just don’t want to), and definitely don’t take it on yourself to be responsible for other people’s transport when they haven’t even asked!

This is primarily about boundaries and assertiveness, not about who can and can’t drive.

Blaggertyjibbet · 28/05/2022 15:47

YANBU, OP. Haven’t read any of the thread, but this has happened to me before. It gives me the rage when friends who fancy themselves very green people or too ‘city cool’ to ever drive a car ask for lifts non-stop. Hypocrites. We only have one car for our family and it is a fuel efficient vehicle. I had to go through a lot of trouble to get my license, but we have children so it was the most practical option. I really resent people who style themselves as car-free eco warriors constantly ask their friends with cars to give them lifts. Hypocrites. IT’S STILL A FOOTPRINT TO DRIVE YOU EVEN IF THE CAR ISN’T IN YOUR NAME, SARAH.

huuskymam · 28/05/2022 15:48

If people don't want to learn to drive, that's fine but expecting lifts is just cheeky.

My 21 year old daughter has no intention of learning, she much prefers walking or getting the bus. She started a job over an hour away and hasn't asked for a lift once, though I would regularly offer to pick her up if she's working late.

pitterypattery00 · 28/05/2022 15:49

Like several PPs, because I can't drive I have always structured my life in a way that makes having a car unnecessary (living centrally, good public transport links etc). I'm now in my 40s and have only ever asked for a lift a handful of times in my adult life.

I find people often assume I'll need a lift and offer without me asking - maybe because I never ask e.g. 'the bus will take longer, I can drop you off' etc. when in reality I have no problem with taking public transport/walking.

There are a few things I've had to miss out on over the years. Most recently some of the mums in my antenatal group met up in a place that I couldn't easily access by public transport so I couldn't go. I worry that those kind of things may increase in the future but am trying to be accepting that that's just how things are and to not feel like a failure.

I'd be interested in the experiences of other non drivers with children - does it get harder? x

hellcatspanglelalala · 28/05/2022 15:51

She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus.

I take it she will be calling a taxi then?

BotterMon · 28/05/2022 15:52

Your new neighbours will need to book their driving lessons pdq or buy e-bikes won't they.
YANBU. Living rurally, driving is essential and all kids around here get their licenses at 17. It's vital for their independence.

Different if you live and work in a town/city.
Like you OP, I've driven in all parts of the world. Can't imagine going anywhere and not being able to explore at my leisure.

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 15:56

stairgates · 28/05/2022 14:15

Sorry fat thumbs posted too soon!

And haven't missed it, but reading your last post OP has reminded me of what is out there so thankyou🙂I will get the vehicle looked at and back on the road😀

I'm glad it was fat thumbs: I was wondering whether we needed to call the RAC for you.

I feel very torn, because I work quite hard at being green (I've had a heat pump, PV panels and solar thermal [hot water] since 2010) and we mainly work from home and do limit our mileage and use bikes for local journeys and walk wherever we can. But I also know that some of the peak moments of my life — the places I go back to in my head time and again and give me deep joy — are almost entirely places that are really only accessible by car. Maybe one could get to some of them with great effort involving several days of travel on public transport and then a hike. But the thrill of going off the beaten track and stumbling across a place you end up remembering for the rest of your life is one I hope never to have to give up.

OP posts:
yellowsuninthesky · 28/05/2022 15:57

I'd be interested in the experiences of other non drivers with children - does it get harder

depends on how many kids and how many hobbies I guess. It would have been difficult getting ds to some football and athletics fixtures and might have involved some expensive overnights for some athletics events; but easy enough getting him to cubs and scouts as it was only about 10-15 mins walk away; and swimming could have been done by bike (though unpleasant and potentially unsafe in the winter when it was dark).

Fizbosshoes · 28/05/2022 15:59

I know someone who is super eco/saving the planet/doesn't drive etc....except they always want a lift off someone else. I find that quite tedious, although they are part of a sports team so I would if course give a lift if I was going to the sane event but I don't want to be preached at, when they're happy to use my un-eco car for their own convenience.

I know 2 other sets of people who chose to live in fairly rural areas with poor public transport, when they didn't drive. They we're then surprised at how long it took to get anywhere and had to rely on family and friends giving them a lift everywhere including to work, and one of them was not able to get to work on time, if for any reason, family members could not take them to the nearest public transport.

I don't think its compulsory to drive and I do think, that rural areas should be better serviced by public transport, but it seems a bit ridiculous to actively move somewhere so inconvenient.

Snowiscold · 28/05/2022 16:00

I'd be interested in the experiences of other non drivers with children - does it get harder? x

I think it depends where you live. With my DC, swimming lessons, leisure centre, Brownies, gymnastics, dance lessons, park, playground, supermarket, primary school etc were all within a five-ten-minute walk. There’s a train station one minute away and a tube station three minutes away and neverending buses for trips further away. Most of their friends from school were also in carless households. One of mine took up skating, and that was a bit harder, but quite doable by public transport -less than half an hour.

runnerblade95 · 28/05/2022 16:02

This.

You are not a chauffeur.

runnerblade95 · 28/05/2022 16:03

Darkstar4855 · 28/05/2022 12:12

YABU to expect people to drive.

YANBU not to give lifts if it’s not convenient, and people shouldn’t be expecting that you will. That would really annoy me.

I wouldn’t have loaned out my gardening equipment to the new neighbours either. Total CF behaviour to come to do the garden and just assume a stranger will lend you their tools.

Meant to quote this. Sorry!

Borisblondboufant · 28/05/2022 16:06

I found it harder as DD got older. Our local transport is dreadful though. She’s done several out of school activities that just wouldn’t happen without a car. I managed with Saturday morning things but things after school which finished late would have been impossible.

whatdodos · 28/05/2022 16:09

YANBU as someone with epilepsy living in a rural area with a toddler I just cannot grasp why someone who is allowed to drive won't even try and get a licence. Before I was diagnosed i started lessons as soon as I turned 17 and passed my test at 18, its not really an option round here not to. Luckily my mum and sister help out alot but it's painful having to shell out £15 on a taxi for a 10 min journey or spend an hour on the bus for a 20 min car journey 😣. I don't know why people choose that life

DaisyWaldron · 28/05/2022 16:10

pitterypattery00 · 28/05/2022 15:49

Like several PPs, because I can't drive I have always structured my life in a way that makes having a car unnecessary (living centrally, good public transport links etc). I'm now in my 40s and have only ever asked for a lift a handful of times in my adult life.

I find people often assume I'll need a lift and offer without me asking - maybe because I never ask e.g. 'the bus will take longer, I can drop you off' etc. when in reality I have no problem with taking public transport/walking.

There are a few things I've had to miss out on over the years. Most recently some of the mums in my antenatal group met up in a place that I couldn't easily access by public transport so I couldn't go. I worry that those kind of things may increase in the future but am trying to be accepting that that's just how things are and to not feel like a failure.

I'd be interested in the experiences of other non drivers with children - does it get harder? x

For me, it got harder at two stages. Firstly, when my local NCT friends had their second babies, they moved out of the central, walkable location where we all lived to 4 bedroomed houses in the country, which meant that it cost a tenner in bus fares to go to their houses, and I couldn't get to meet-ups in plenty of locations because the bus times didn't work around pre-school hours.

And it's awkward now that DD is in her teens and is making school friends who live further away, and sometimes gets a lift to join in activities with her friendship group. She had to get a lift to take part in her D of E expedition, and I felt bad about not being able to share the driving, although I gave petrol money and a thank you gift to the lift-giver. It's fairly rare though - I think she's had a lift twice this year, and our walkable life has been good for her in other ways - living within walking/cycling distance of plenty of activities has given her a lot more freedom and independence than many of her peers.

Also, decluttering without a car is a pain. I have a bike trailer which is useful, but some things are just too big to fit in it, and the bike/foot access section of the tip is tiny.

GoldenOmber · 28/05/2022 16:10

I'd be interested in the experiences of other non drivers with children - does it get harder

Agree that it largely depends on where you live. Also on age although that comes and goes. At primary school age hobbies and parties can become a hassle, and also there’s an annoying period before when taxis become difficult because they’ve grown out of the carry-able baby car seats but aren’t big enough for the easier booster seats. In general I find it perfectly manageable though.

JustDanceAddict · 28/05/2022 16:19

My parents didn’t drive - well my dad had a licence but we didn’t have a car. It was a right PITA and I hated being reliant on my mum asking people for lifts - it always felt like a massive imposition.
i didn’t pass my driving test until my late 20s cos I didn’t learn until after uni & I was crap, but I was determined to drive before I had DCs and it was a lifesaver then. Now I hate driving(!) but at least DH drives and I do if I absolutely have to. I’m hoping DS passes his test soon - he can have my car! I don’t ask people for lifts but if someone offers an it’s not out of their way I’ll take it up.

OnceUponAThread · 28/05/2022 16:21

I don't drive. But I do live in London. So I don't need to.

DH drives. He LOVES driving. So if we're going somewhere where driving is sensible then he does it.

I've offered to learn and checked whether he feels hard done by. He says no.

Before we married I never drove anywhere and never expected lifts. I use buses, the underground, Ubers, taxis, trains, walking etc. It's never been an inconvenience really.

Occasionally a friend will offer, and sometimes I'll accept, but I'd never ask. Equally, we have a few friends that don't drive and DH has offered them lifts.

If someone does offer me a lift (for instance a friend and I attended a country wedding and DH wasn't invited) - I'll offer to pay for petrol and if refused will buy them dinner or drinks or even a thank you gift.

I don't think anyone should be forced to drive. In fact, I think half the people on the roads should have their licenses revoked. I also think that car sharing is net good for the environment.

HOWEVER, there are a lot of examples of non-driving CFs on this thread, including eco girl and batshit neighbours from the OP. All of them should be given short shrift. As the old MN saying goes - no is a full sentence.

namechangetheworld · 28/05/2022 16:21

It took me a long time to learn to drive, it did not come naturally to me at all but I stuck at it and got my license because I am an adult who needs to be independent.

Agreed. It took me three years and eight attempts to pass my test. I'm not a natural driver, and suffer badly with my nerves, but knew it would impact my job prospects and social life if I couldn't. I still don't enjoy driving at all, but can't even begin to imagine what a pain in the arse it would be to rely in buses, especially now that I have two young children to ferry around every day.

I used to work with a woman who "didn't need" to drive. She used to sigh dramatically at the end of every shift without fail, whilst commenting on how long her walk to the bus stop was/how cold she would be/how she had high heels on today/how she would get home late. If nobody responded to her hinting she would then walk around the office asking people directly for lifts. I never agreed, not once, and never felt the slightest hint of guilt. I can't abide non drivers trying to cadge lifts.

Nsky62 · 28/05/2022 16:29

I’m not a great driver staying local, I offer lifts when it suits me, otherwise too busy.
Those that don’t need to plan and use taxis