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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
Noseylittlemoo · 30/05/2022 08:28

Even tho I am able to drive I got hit by a lorry on the motorway a few years ago which shattered my confidence and now I prefer to walk, run or take a train/tube if at all possible. I'm not confident to drive on multiple lane roads or motorways anymore and my husband drives most of the time when we travel together. I don't feel too guilty as he knows the reason and also there are plenty of things that I do whicch he doesn't (laundry, vacuuming, finance etc).
I think people only get fed up with non drivers who assume they can always get a lift , when they could make their own arrangements and when they offer nothing in return (either in money or returning the favour in a different way).

dcthatsme · 30/05/2022 08:30

Quite honestly, it's like saying 'Oh I don't really like cooking. Do you mind making a bit of extra food for me so I don't have to cook? And maybe pop it over when you have a minute?' (Of course this doesn't apply to people who are ill or in need)

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 30/05/2022 08:37

echt · 30/05/2022 03:18

Comparing the lack of a driving licence to illiteracy is stupid

No it isn't. They are both significant life skills and so bear a degree of comparison. That's why the poster said "not dissimilar".

There's no point in arguing with some people. If you really think illiteracy, which makes every aspect of life incredibly difficult, never mind employment, is comparable with choosing not to drive, you have a seriously warped view of the world.

BritInUS1 · 30/05/2022 08:42

Firstly, YABU to not just say no - you don't need to justify it, just say a flat out no

And if you arrange something and people want to change plans, too bad, they sort themselves out then, don't let them guilt trip you - you are the one doing them a favour not the other way round

Your new neighbours sounds like CF, definitely flat out no, no explanation needed

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/05/2022 08:52

Hopefully some of the drivers on here who previously thought non-drivers are a bunch of illiterate , parasitic CFers are now a little more reassured after reading the posts.

We are not all hanging out to be saved.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/05/2022 08:53

You've got some really CF neighbours. I wouldn't have even showed them to prove I couldn't take them, it would have simply been a no. No way would I have even entertain the idea of taking them places. Your nephew can also get his own way around too. Just start saying no, that doesn't work for me.
I don't think it's fair to lump non drivers into the CF category, I'd say that level of CF that your neighbours have, is not common. I would much prefer people to not drive and take public transport, than be nervous and not confident on the road.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 30/05/2022 08:54

Oh and I am a driver myself. I love it but it's not for everyone.

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:03

Divagal · 29/05/2022 20:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to be fed up with people asking for lifts per se but it does depend on circumstances. I didn't learn to drive until my late 30s because I just didn't have the money to buy and run a car. A work colleague used to drive past me at the bus stop and never stopped to pick me up. It used to really upset me. In those circumstances I would stop to pick the person up. If it was someone elderly or disabled and they had no-one to drive them to a hospital appointment or the shops I would take them. However, if I found that someone had the expectation I would be their personal taxi service i would definitely not agree to giving them lifts.

After reading all the comments here from non-drivers who feel insulted and assailed by drivers offering them lifts I'll never again stop when I'm driving into town on a cold wet morning and offer some shivering person waiting under an umbrella at a bus stop a lift. I had no idea how many proud non-drivers feel so oppressed by people offering them lifts.

OP posts:
Frazzledmummy123 · 30/05/2022 09:12

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:03

After reading all the comments here from non-drivers who feel insulted and assailed by drivers offering them lifts I'll never again stop when I'm driving into town on a cold wet morning and offer some shivering person waiting under an umbrella at a bus stop a lift. I had no idea how many proud non-drivers feel so oppressed by people offering them lifts.

So you are now complaining about non-drivers who DON'T want lifts?

GoldenOmber · 30/05/2022 09:13

I had no idea how many proud non-drivers feel so oppressed by people offering them lifts.

I don’t think anyone said that, did they? Admittedly it’s a long thread, I might have missed some - but are you perhaps mixing that up with people getting annoyed when drivers are really pushy and insistent about they accept lifts?

“Would you like a lift?”
”No thanks, I’m fine.”

vs

”Would you like a lift?”
”No thanks, I’m fine.”
”But how will you get home?”
”It’s fine, I’m walking/getting the bus/whatever.”
”Oh you can’t WALK! It’s RAINING!”
”I like walking, I don’t mind.”
”Oh I wouldn’t hear of you walking in the rain. I’ll take you.”
”Really, no, thanks.”
”Oh don’t be so silly!” etc etc etc.

People do actually do this and it’s really irritating.

UnsuitableHat · 30/05/2022 09:15

Perhaps people are trying to point out that non-drivers don’t always make the assumption that they’ll be given lifts.
I enjoy giving lifts, see it as something I can do to help people (often people who have helped me in other ways, or would do) and am sometimes surprised when an offer is declined, perhaps because someone had already planned how they’d get somewhere.

ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/05/2022 09:15

OP you are hilarious. As if you are the type of person to offer shivering strangers at bus stops lifts! Now you are typing anything to prove your weird point....

tiktokontheclock · 30/05/2022 09:16

Argh! You showed them your diary to prove you had a 4pm Zoom? You don't owe them anything. I would make it clear if it is convenient to you you will be offering a lift, otherwise no, you won't.

I can see both sides of this. I didn't pass until 28 as I failed so many tests but I had to do it because I wanted a kid and I can't get around my area and run errands without a car. But I would rather wait for a bus, taxi, walk than ask anyone for a lift.

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:21

suckingonchillidogs · 29/05/2022 19:09

If every adult could and did drive imagine the amount of traffic. It's a bloody good job not everyone does!

Not saying everyone should drive everywhere all the time. I'm saying that driving is a basic skill of modern life that I think most people would benefit from. Doesn't mean you have to own your own car: you can belong to a car share scheme or hire a car when you need it. I agree with those saying that basic literacy, the ability to use a computer and driving are three skills that would make everyone's life easier and more enriched. Also with the person who learned later in life (like my mum) and has written about how even in small ways, life has become more flexible and varied.

Various people have commented on people who drive being dependent on their cars. I'd love to know how the person who gets their dog to the vet on public transport copes. My dog's been eating cow poo and has dreadful diarrhoea at the moment. We have a vet appointment this afternoon. I'd be terrified of trying to get him onto a bus and have him shitting everywhere.

OP posts:
ManyBooksLittleTime · 30/05/2022 09:29

You come across as someone who exaggerates massively to prove their points.

I'm off to catch a bus and read 'Where the Crawdads Sing'. Which is excellent by the way. I'll leave you to your judgemental attitude and shitting dog

Dashdotdotdash · 30/05/2022 09:30

GoldenOmber · 29/05/2022 10:00

I’m not sure putting virtual-reality driving machines into schools and expecting the curriculum to drop however many hours of academic stuff to train teenagers in them, is really the best use of public money.

Why? You presumably wouldn't teach it till they're 17, and a couple of hours out of their timetable at that age needn't involve dropping anything academic at all. In FE colleges they're often on a three day timetable anyway. And it would be an excellent skill for them to have in employability terms, whatever their planned career. If it reduces the number of NEETS, you're saving a fortune on benefits. Win-win.

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/05/2022 09:32

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:21

Not saying everyone should drive everywhere all the time. I'm saying that driving is a basic skill of modern life that I think most people would benefit from. Doesn't mean you have to own your own car: you can belong to a car share scheme or hire a car when you need it. I agree with those saying that basic literacy, the ability to use a computer and driving are three skills that would make everyone's life easier and more enriched. Also with the person who learned later in life (like my mum) and has written about how even in small ways, life has become more flexible and varied.

Various people have commented on people who drive being dependent on their cars. I'd love to know how the person who gets their dog to the vet on public transport copes. My dog's been eating cow poo and has dreadful diarrhoea at the moment. We have a vet appointment this afternoon. I'd be terrified of trying to get him onto a bus and have him shitting everywhere.

Yes, but why do people HAVE to drive just because YOU think they should? Non-drivers might have less freedom than drivers in certain ways, however isn't that their choice. It only affects you when they expect you to ferry them around anywhere.

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I would be a nightmare behind a wheel. I have a short attention span and panic easily. Isn't it more responsible to not put myself behind a wheel than drive because some people in society think I should.

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:33

Momicrone · 29/05/2022 19:25

Xingming - I would imagine a 17 year old living in Newquay could have a nice social life

Until they realised there was bigger and better and more interesting stuff going on behind Newquay.

OP posts:
GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:33

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:33

Until they realised there was bigger and better and more interesting stuff going on behind Newquay.

Beyond Newquay!

OP posts:
Ohhelpicantthinkofaname · 30/05/2022 09:37

My sister never learnt to drive. She lives 50 miles from me and the amount of times I’ve had to go a long way out of my way drop her home after events is kind of annoying.

she could have learnt. We have a family member who is a driving instructor and taught all the siblings and my kids for free. She just couldn’t be arsed and now everyone has to run around after her. I love her dearly, but it is annoying.

Dashdotdotdash · 30/05/2022 09:48

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/05/2022 22:28

It's a life skill and not having a licence disadvantages you in not dissimilar ways to being unable to read or being scared of computers.

I can’t believe anyone is this stupid. Even jobs where you don’t have to be able to read (e.g. labouring) usually require you to complete an application form - often online, meaning you need computer skills.

Driving? Unless you need to do it for the job, it’s irrelevant. I earn £50k a year, which I think is pretty decent - and none of that money goes on a car I don’t need.

Yes, I’ve had to turn down jobs based on industrial estates in the arse end of nowhere. But the company has lost out
just as much as I have.

Driving isn't relevant for every job, but it does improve your choices, as you yourself have demonstrated. When I had DC1 I looked for part time jobs and what I could find were in places that would take me well over an hour by public transport but 20-30 minutes by car. Cycling wouldn't have been practical. I had learnt to drive but didn't have a car at that point. In the interests of finding the right job, buying and running a second hand car was still cheaper than public transport and was simply a no-brainer.

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:50

Pliudev · 29/05/2022 18:32

OP, someone might already have said this. If it's Hay, I envy you because I'm just back. It's heaven. There is a regular bus service between Hereford and Hay and the festival are also running coaches to and from. I'd suggest she gets one of those. Have a great time.

It's lovely, isn't it? I've been going every year since it started. Originally going there was part of my job and I'd take a van full of the publishing company I worked for's books to display and sell. I was there for 10 days in 2019 as a volunteer steward. It's one of those fenced-off bits of my life. Late May Bank Holiday is always Hay time.

OP posts:
Dashdotdotdash · 30/05/2022 09:52

Frazzledmummy123 · 30/05/2022 09:32

Yes, but why do people HAVE to drive just because YOU think they should? Non-drivers might have less freedom than drivers in certain ways, however isn't that their choice. It only affects you when they expect you to ferry them around anywhere.

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I would be a nightmare behind a wheel. I have a short attention span and panic easily. Isn't it more responsible to not put myself behind a wheel than drive because some people in society think I should.

So you come within the category that OP has expressly said her post is not directed to. She made it clear that she recognises that there are people who cannot drive for good reason.

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 10:00

I live in a busy area in a city and I work around not having a car by having my doctor, dentist, and vet (if I had a pet) nearby. If I had a dog with diarrhoea I'd walk it with them (carrying cage if the dog can't walk). Anything else further afield (with no situations involving diarrhoea) I'd take a taxi. Simple!

I'm five, maybe six miles from a vet: too far to walk with a sick dog/ carry it in a cage/ push in a wheelbarrow along narrow lanes without a footpath. The non-driving poster who wrote about living in a national park and being able to get the dog to the vet would have been more rural than me.

You still haven't solved my problem. Dog with terrible diarrhoea, at least five miles to the vet. No taxi would take him, I'd be mortified if he lost control on a bus (and so would he and the bus company). I'd have to ask a friend or neighbour, wouldn't I?

OP posts:
Robinni · 30/05/2022 10:16

GoldfinchTart · 30/05/2022 09:03

After reading all the comments here from non-drivers who feel insulted and assailed by drivers offering them lifts I'll never again stop when I'm driving into town on a cold wet morning and offer some shivering person waiting under an umbrella at a bus stop a lift. I had no idea how many proud non-drivers feel so oppressed by people offering them lifts.

@GoldfinchTart

Picking up random strangers at bus stops is about as sensible as letting random people into your house to have a cup of tea, peruse your diary and then high tail it with your gardening equipment.

You need to draw up some boundaries.

And stop imposing your value system on others. If they are taking a bus mind your business and drive on!