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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
loveisanopensore · 29/05/2022 20:22

I should learn. At the moment I get most places by walking/cycling/bus and for the most part that's fine.
It's the behaviour of drivers that puts me off. Speeding, using mobile phone use, impatience...

Foodcosts · 29/05/2022 20:26

It is tricky, I am always very nervous that a road may be shut and I'll have to go a different way. I have attempted the slip road thing many times but it is incredibly difficult. I don't like to admit this but I have no idea what I'm looking for when I check my mirror to exit a roundabout, if I see a car behind me I have no idea whether they are a danger or just behind me. It would be so freeing to understand and it's very frustrating when people say to practice, I'm in my thirties!

Foodcosts · 29/05/2022 20:27

Sorry, the above post was for @user3199

Caoilinsmum1 · 29/05/2022 20:28

I think driving should be taught in high school like they do in America so that everyone possesses a license and knows how to drive whether they use it or not at least they have the skills there.

mamabear715 · 29/05/2022 20:33

I actually thought it was nice of you to lend the young couple gardening equipment. Not gonna kill you, is it?
I don't drive & have always thought that as soon as people get a licence, they get selfish too. When they are learning, it's all 'we'll go here, we'll go there' - and I've never relied on it, but did think oh, lovely! Nope. You don't see them again then, FAR too busy.
As PP have pointed out, train & bus services have been cut & cut again. Taxis are fine, but try getting one to take you more than five miles! They all want quick turnarounds, they can earn more than on long journeys.

When I lived in a very rural area (my husband died, ok, I didn't move there alone..) I used a service that a PP mentioned, a flat fee to go to, say, a supermarket. Whoop de doo. Sorry I didn't use it more than once, it was like a school trip! 'Be back in less than 2 hours'. Nope. Thank goodness for internet shopping starting!

I have bad hips but I still managed to get myself & kids on holiday (UK) taxi to the station, train to a resort, bus to the holiday camp. You just have to plan & write all the timings down!

Xmasbaby11 · 29/05/2022 20:39

I think you're unlucky that those non drivers you know happen to be CF. I know a lot of non drivers, or people who can drive but don't own a car. But it's not a problem at all and none of them have leaned on me. We live in a city and public transport is relatively good, or they walk, cycle, and get taxis when needed. It's cheaper than owning a car. One of my friends I do give a lift to weekly because we go to a fitness class together. She doesn't expect it but I'm happy to do it, I enjoy the company and it's not out of my way.

I actually didn't pass my test until my late 20s and didn't own a car until a few years later, so I had years of people giving me lifts, which I appreciated very much. I am happy to repay the favour now I have the chance to do so. It took me a long time to pass my test and I do find driving stressful sometimes, but I do it because it is convenient and it benefits me and my family.

One of the reasons I live in a city is not to be dependent on a car, and so my dc will be able to get around independently when they are older. We do have a car which makes our lives easier and gives us more options, but I could manage without if need be.

I don't have a problem with anyone not driving, but they have a responsibility to choose their lifestyle to suit their needs. I do not know anyone who fits your description.

Happyhappyday · 29/05/2022 20:51

You seem like a doormat. I can drive (grew up in US) and never bothered to get my license in the UK mainly because it was expensive, the test sounded like a real pain and I lived in London and had maybe 4 times a year when a car was handy and usually only because DH’s family wanted us to go somewhere I didn’t. I hauled bags of stuff bag on the bus/tube 8.5 months pregnant. I got loads of interesting and pretty inaccessible places because I was prepared to take the literal long way round walking, hitch hiking, using very infrequent public transport, waiting for a taxi, kind strangers etc. I generally didn’t ask for or want a lift, I get carsick so much prefer trains, but frequently drivers were very pushy and insisted. I wonder how many of them thought I was being cheeky like you… I suppose you’d say I was taking advantage of drivers when hitching… but don’t pick up someone if you don’t want to. Say it’s not convenient. Say happy to but I’ll need petrol money. Whatever.

Divagal · 29/05/2022 20:54

I don't think it's unreasonable to be fed up with people asking for lifts per se but it does depend on circumstances. I didn't learn to drive until my late 30s because I just didn't have the money to buy and run a car. A work colleague used to drive past me at the bus stop and never stopped to pick me up. It used to really upset me. In those circumstances I would stop to pick the person up. If it was someone elderly or disabled and they had no-one to drive them to a hospital appointment or the shops I would take them. However, if I found that someone had the expectation I would be their personal taxi service i would definitely not agree to giving them lifts.

a1poshpaws · 29/05/2022 20:55

Darkstar4855 · Yesterday 12:12
YABU to expect people to drive.
YANBU not to give lifts if it’s not convenient, and people shouldn’t be expecting that you will. That would really annoy me.
I wouldn’t have loaned out my gardening equipment to the new neighbours either. Total CF behaviour to come to do the garden and just assume a stranger will lend you their tools.
--------------------------

I absolutely feel this.

(Also, I hope you've told/will tell your pseudo "green" friend that she'll have to arrange a taxi, because you've already arranged and paid for a treat for yourself, and you don't think she's being at all fair expecting you to give that up to cater to her.)

SundayTeatime · 29/05/2022 20:55

Caoilinsmum1 · 29/05/2022 20:28

I think driving should be taught in high school like they do in America so that everyone possesses a license and knows how to drive whether they use it or not at least they have the skills there.

I don’t think school budgets have capacity for driving lessons for every pupil.

bluesapphire48 · 29/05/2022 21:02

Unless you are disabled, but don't drive by choice, and have a lifestyle of relying on others to do the driving, then you are indeed a parasite. People who pretend to themselves that they are somehow "green crusades" are the worst.

If you get around on your own (walk, bike, take a taxi, etc.), then you are entitled to respect an independent adult, . I didn't own a car until I was thirty, but I didn't ask people for rides: I biked, took the bus, walked, etc.

Fairislefandango · 29/05/2022 21:03

I think driving should be taught in high school like they do in America so that everyone possesses a license and knows how to drive whether they use it or not at least they have the skills there.

Where is the money and lesson time coming from to provide that?

WouldBeGood · 29/05/2022 21:07

Yeah, no one is a green crusader if they rely on drivers for lifts

SmoggieC · 29/05/2022 21:10

I’m an awful driver so no one asks me , I recommend it

Mycatsgoldtooth · 29/05/2022 21:23

Don’t drive but don’t ask for lifts ever. A fried gave me a lift to a party in Feb but she offered. I walk about 12k a day most days ferrying my kids about on scooters and in prams. Think I’ll learn next year when the youngest gets too old for the pram. I’m proper shit at driving, don’t know my left from my right, nervous getting out of junctions and terrified of motorways. Not sure I should drive but it’s hard to avoid as I get older. Also worried about the exercise I’ll miss.

YouLookinSusBro · 29/05/2022 21:28

There's actually some really offensive posts on this thread.

I have a driving licence but don't drive because quite frankly I'm not safe on the roads. I've never expected lifts, nor have my children suffered (adults now). Yes, I've had to put myself out to ensure they've got to do the things they wanted, but also growing up without a car has been good for them and gave them confidence and independence they wouldn't have had otherwise. I was shocked when DD aged 14 wanted to go with her friends on the train to next town and friends parents were horrified because their DC had never even been in a train, let alone on a train without an adult!!

browneyes77 · 29/05/2022 21:32

I don’t think people should be required to drive if they don’t want to.

But I absolutely agree that those that don’t drive, should not expect to be ferried around everywhere.

I do get fed up with people expecting you to be a taxi service.

As for your neighbours, they’re just blatant CF’s. Make sure you get your gardening equipment back!

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/05/2022 21:35

Failing at a life skill?
Not a fully functioning person?
Parasites (unless referring to those who expect lifts)

I will leave this right here (I love the irony ofnthe photo being a road 😄)

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?
LovePoppy · 29/05/2022 21:40

mamabear715 · 29/05/2022 20:33

I actually thought it was nice of you to lend the young couple gardening equipment. Not gonna kill you, is it?
I don't drive & have always thought that as soon as people get a licence, they get selfish too. When they are learning, it's all 'we'll go here, we'll go there' - and I've never relied on it, but did think oh, lovely! Nope. You don't see them again then, FAR too busy.
As PP have pointed out, train & bus services have been cut & cut again. Taxis are fine, but try getting one to take you more than five miles! They all want quick turnarounds, they can earn more than on long journeys.

When I lived in a very rural area (my husband died, ok, I didn't move there alone..) I used a service that a PP mentioned, a flat fee to go to, say, a supermarket. Whoop de doo. Sorry I didn't use it more than once, it was like a school trip! 'Be back in less than 2 hours'. Nope. Thank goodness for internet shopping starting!

I have bad hips but I still managed to get myself & kids on holiday (UK) taxi to the station, train to a resort, bus to the holiday camp. You just have to plan & write all the timings down!

Selfish? Because they don’t drive you?

did it occur to you they are “so busy” because they now have to drive all the non drivers they know?

what an odd attitude

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/05/2022 21:43

YouLookinSusBro · 29/05/2022 21:28

There's actually some really offensive posts on this thread.

I have a driving licence but don't drive because quite frankly I'm not safe on the roads. I've never expected lifts, nor have my children suffered (adults now). Yes, I've had to put myself out to ensure they've got to do the things they wanted, but also growing up without a car has been good for them and gave them confidence and independence they wouldn't have had otherwise. I was shocked when DD aged 14 wanted to go with her friends on the train to next town and friends parents were horrified because their DC had never even been in a train, let alone on a train without an adult!!

I agree with you 100%! Not being driven everywhere does teach you independence and how to get yourself around without relying on a car.

I know lots of people who can't even tell you their local bus numbers because they drive everywhere, and cancel arrangements if their car is off the road because they are nervous about using public transport. Not that there is anything wrong with this, they just don't feel comfortable using the bus and train in the same way as others don't feel comfortable behind a steering wheel.

BraveryBot9to5 · 29/05/2022 21:47

So true, I may not drive but I know which buses connect with others and where and the bus stop numbers and I have the app on my phone (i'm in dublin) so while some not all (definitely not all! just the types who start these threads!) might be feeling superior to those who don't drive, or can't drive on a motorway,,, they have a bit of a fear of buses! I know my daughter's friend said to her when they were about 14 that she'd never been on a bus. Neither of us could believe our ears!

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 29/05/2022 21:50

XingMing · 29/05/2022 20:10

I don't know anyone who can't drive ... except those with powerful medical reasons for not driving. Basically, you can't live here unless you drive.

Has it never occurred to you that people who can’t drive don’t move there, or move away? If you have the intelligence to learn to drive, surely you have the intelligence to master a simple piece of logic.

AchatAVendre · 29/05/2022 22:05

bluesapphire48 · 29/05/2022 21:02

Unless you are disabled, but don't drive by choice, and have a lifestyle of relying on others to do the driving, then you are indeed a parasite. People who pretend to themselves that they are somehow "green crusades" are the worst.

If you get around on your own (walk, bike, take a taxi, etc.), then you are entitled to respect an independent adult, . I didn't own a car until I was thirty, but I didn't ask people for rides: I biked, took the bus, walked, etc.

Same here, except I was 28 when I learned to drive and got a car. I was a student at a university which had particularly poor public transport links and I cycled everywhere, or got the train, sometimes staying in a b&b overnight because there was no early enough train. Or the uni club hired the uni minibus. Sometimes people offered to give me lifts, but I very rarely asked unless I was stuck and even then never more than once from the same person. I was very conscious of not taking advantage of people.

Crikeyalmighty · 29/05/2022 22:18

I don't drive but I always made sure we lived somewhere on a good bus route and non rural which comes at a cost as we line a nice house too. Husband does drive but only learnt around 50 and we have a car- he does of course give me lifts too. Reason being I learnt 3 times in my teens, 20s and 30's and whilst my driving was fine- I am just dreadful at manoeuvres!! I know my H would spend most of his time being critical and I would get anxious about it so I've not bothered- tempted at 60 though to give it another go and think bollocks to him!!

Gingernan · 29/05/2022 22:25

Well I haven't read all the post,but on the face of it,I don't blame you.I've never driven, never wanted too and would be terrible at it. I've built my life around that and have mainly coped very well living in very convenient suburbs and getting around fine on public transport. I've loved being independent and still am as a senior citizen.My husband...a driver...died when our kids were young so had to cope really. I hate bothering others for lifts and have never done so except a couple of times when my kids had to get to camps etc. I'm a generally helpful person , having the kids friends over for sleepovers etc. Being a non driver doesn't make you a second class citizen.I was amused when my partner's sister ( a bus driver, credit to her) said I was 'not normal' for not driving.Apart from a couple of trips abroad she has hardly been out of London!
But yes...it must be irritating if people keep wanting lifts especially if they don't offer any petrol money or trade help in some way.