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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
user3199 · 29/05/2022 19:44

@Foodcosts that's interesting - my spatial awareness is terrible and like you I couldn't judge whether it was safe to change lane by checking mirrors. I was actually ok at parallel parking, reverse round corner etc. it was changing lanes/judging other traffic in general that was my biggest issue and I showed no improvement in that area whatsoever so ultimately gave up learning. Good for you for persisting.

XingMing · 29/05/2022 19:49

@Momicrone but we don't live in a town. So DS had his provisional license ready to go on his 17th birthday, and passed his test a few months later. As have all his friends. You literally cannot manage adult life without a car where we live. The kids that don't have a licence are the ones life passes by.

DaisyWaldron · 29/05/2022 19:56

Or, presumably, the ones who leave home at 18 and don't come back.

AchatAVendre · 29/05/2022 19:59

Re your neighbours to be. They are making themselves intentionally helpless and trying to groom you to be one of their "helpful" neighbours by borrowing stuff already. I wonder if they are the type of people who sit down at night and calculate how much money they have saved by getting other people to run around after them or give them free stuff.

It has to be nipped in the bud. Just tell them no, with a smile, and close the door. I had a neighbour a bit like that, I live 3 miles from the nearest shops and she moved here to live on her own. No bus service. She used to get the other neighbours to drive her places until they fell out, and I didn't entertain her at all as I saw through her almost straight away. She tried claiming the driveway was too bumpy to cycle on but I suspect she just got a puncture and couldn't fix it. She got all her shopping home delivered which was fine I guess. She was weird about all sorts of other things too and used to send random texts late at night complaining about various things that were nothing to do with us. In the end she decided to move back to a city and she had to get her house and septic tank upgraded, and she told all the workmen stories about how I had "made her life a misery" (I had barely spoken to her) and "didn't help her out at all".

The funniest thing was that she was only in her late thirties and perfectly healthy. The people around here are all robust, independent farming types and I think she had a very romantic image of what country life would be like, which was unfortunately dashed. She tried to get DH to help her with various things but he couldn't be bothered after spending all day at work and just laughed at her and refused to do anything. We are brutal in the countryside really.

ManyBooksLittleTime · 29/05/2022 20:00

Parasites failing at a life skill!! I have a great job, but hop on a bus to get there. Hardly a failure or a parasite. I even have communication skills and could say no to padding random wanting garden equipment!

Rewis · 29/05/2022 20:00

It is totally cool to not drive or own a car if it isn't necessary to live your lifestyle. However, if you constantly need rides you can't live a carfree lifestyle.

I don't own a car. I have a license, but I can't really justify getting a car. Therefore I adjust my life accordingly and not expect lifts. If I do get a lift, then I compensate accordingly (ie. Friend talked about going to hike. I asked if she wants to ride share or meet up at at route. She suggested ride share and then I bought her lunch) I often read about people expecting lifts but have not come across it IRL. The neighbours are CF.

ManyBooksLittleTime · 29/05/2022 20:00

Passing randoms

GoldenOmber · 29/05/2022 20:02

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 29/05/2022 19:15

I know this is going off on a tangent , sorry but I’d love to ask the non drivers on this thread - do your kids have hobbies? I genuinely could’nt cope without a car for mine, away matches, competitions etc. in an ideal world I’d get the bus but this weekend alone I had three trips for various activities and only one do able on public transport. How do you manage?

Yes mine have hobbies. Because of where we live, the regular things are all gettable to on public transport/bike/foot, and we have a decent taxi service to deal with one-off middle-of-nowhere things or places that are a pain in the arse to get to by other routes.

Because driving isn’t an option for me, it was always really important to me to live somewhere that I could get to places without it. It would be very difficult in a lot of other places.

Morgysmum · 29/05/2022 20:02

I don't drive. I never wanted to. I had a moped at 16 and then a motorbike at 17. I wouldn't have moved to a remote place like your neighbours with out buses or transport. I wouldn't expect someone to pick me up if I was going to turn up late, to a prearranged meeting.
Like your relatives I live in a city, with good bus links and I also cycle. I have looked at learning to drive, to be able to get a different job. But it's very expensive, on part time hour's.
Also with the fuel prices going up, I am a little smug, knowing I don't have to worry about that cost. I had a motorbike till I had my son at 27. I would give my right arm to have a motorbike again, as I do miss it.

XingMing · 29/05/2022 20:04

Country life is, as Achat says, brutally practical. If you can't cope without help from your neighbours, then feel free to stay in a town. No one in the country has enough time to ferry you around and earn a living.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/05/2022 20:05

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 29/05/2022 19:15

I know this is going off on a tangent , sorry but I’d love to ask the non drivers on this thread - do your kids have hobbies? I genuinely could’nt cope without a car for mine, away matches, competitions etc. in an ideal world I’d get the bus but this weekend alone I had three trips for various activities and only one do able on public transport. How do you manage?

Yes, DS has hobbies. He doesn't do team sports or anything competitive though, he does them for fun. He swims and horse rides - both of these are walking distance from my house. He also does music lessons at school in school time and an art club after school.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/05/2022 20:08

Willowwalkies · 29/05/2022 19:10

Of course anyone who doesn’t want to learn how to drive or have a car doesn’t have to, but I’ve seen many older women who can’t drive unable to visit their husbands or other family members in hospital or hospice because they don’t have that independence. It is a skill worth acquiring and practicing periodically even if you don’t want to drive regularly.

If I needed to go to hospital there's a bus that goes there and it runs 24 hours a day. If for any reason I couldn't get the bus I'd get a taxi. I have chosen to live somewhere where all of this is readily available precisely because I don't drive.

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/05/2022 20:09

Carpedimum · 29/05/2022 18:53

YANBU @GoldfinchTart I’ve worked with a few “I don’t drive” types, who (in the past pre Teams/Zoom) got out of doing external meetings or could only do them if someone went with them. I realise we all get stressed by different things, but driving means that you have to rely on others do much. If there’s no genuine reason, then I think non-drivers aren’t fully functioning members of society. Luckily for them, the need to drive will dwindle over the coming decades.

Just when I think I have seen and heard it all on MN....

Buffs · 29/05/2022 20:09

You are confusing people who can’t drive with people who are rudely entitled.

XingMing · 29/05/2022 20:10

I don't know anyone who can't drive ... except those with powerful medical reasons for not driving. Basically, you can't live here unless you drive.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/05/2022 20:10

XingMing · 29/05/2022 19:19

Don't move to Cornwall then. The first priority for most 17 year-olds is passing the driving test, As fast as possible, or no social life.

I wouldn't live in Cornwall if you paid me. I've lived in Devon and hated it. City life is for me.

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/05/2022 20:11

ManyBooksLittleTime · 29/05/2022 20:00

Parasites failing at a life skill!! I have a great job, but hop on a bus to get there. Hardly a failure or a parasite. I even have communication skills and could say no to padding random wanting garden equipment!

Very well said!

DaisyWaldron · 29/05/2022 20:12

Yep, my kids have hobbies. And since they were secondary school age, they were able to get themselves there and back. DD sometimes has away matches for her sports team, but lots of people don't drive, so they go by public transport or hire a mini bus. DD got a lift to her DofE expedition, but was able to do the practice walk using public transport. DS did drop out of a club when the teacher left to work an hour's bus journey away, but he picked up a different sport instead.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/05/2022 20:15

XingMing · 29/05/2022 20:10

I don't know anyone who can't drive ... except those with powerful medical reasons for not driving. Basically, you can't live here unless you drive.

So I won't move there then. Not a big deal. I wouldn't want to live anywhere where there was a lack of public transport even if I could drive. If I'm going on a night out or to an event I want to have an alcoholic drink and hop on the night bus home.

Frazzledmummy123 · 29/05/2022 20:16

@IfNoTwitterThenWhat my kids have hobbies, and all but one, are local and in walking distance. The one that isn't, we take the train and we manage fine. If there is ever any public transport issues or bad weather, we get a taxi.

Ddot · 29/05/2022 20:17

Yep sick of them, I hate to ask if I need a lift but if I do I always get a gift for the driver. I paid for a taxi to the hospital for an op the other day Friend said I should have asked but seems rude to. I drive! But have needed treatment for various things which unfortunately to use the car straight after isn't possible

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/05/2022 20:17

Smartsub · 29/05/2022 18:29

I agree, everyone who can, should learn to drive. It's a life skill and not having a licence disadvantages you in not dissimilar ways to being unable to read or being scared of computers.

I don't mind giving lifts though. I generally enjoy doing favours and do find that what goes around comes around. You get it back, even if it's not from the person you gave it to. I only do it if I'm going anyway though. It would have to be very special circumstances to make me do the trip specially.

I'm worried for DS2 though. He's 19yo and was about to start driving lessons as lockdown started so that was delayed. He did have some lessons when we first came out of lockdown, but those soon ended when we went back in. Now it's very hard to find and instructor with availability and he doesn't see the point, as there are no tests available anyway.

Please tell me exactly how not being able to drive limits me in the same way as not being able to read does.

Vikinga · 29/05/2022 20:18

The fact is that we are burning too many fossil fuels. Public transport needs to get better.

Waxonwaxoff0 · 29/05/2022 20:18

bluesapphire48 · 29/05/2022 18:59

YANBU
I don't drive because I had a stroke, and have a lot of cognitive problems and am deaf in one ear. Even in light traffic, I would get confused behind the wheel and have an accident. I've had to rely on my poor husband for the past twenty years and I hate it! I have a driver's license in case of emergency (can't think what, but it comes in handy for ID), but would never drive in the city.

People who CAN drive and don't are being unreasonable, unless they live in a city with regular bus service, they need to figure out how to get around without relying on other people all the time. They should be GRATEFUL that they can be INDEPENDENT and are not disabled and really can't drive. They need to grow up, because right now, they are childish parasites, just like your neighbors. I wouldn't give those folks anything more: you probably won't get your tools back.

People need to GROW UP.

Is this a joke post?

XingMing · 29/05/2022 20:21

@DaisyWaldron , then we are both comfortable with our choices. I like both cities and the country, but DH prefers the country. I didn't bother learning to drive until I lived in London suburbs, and wanted to be able to go out after 11 pm. Before that I lived in NYC, which had 24 hr transport systems.

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