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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU to be fed-up of non-drivers seeking lifts?

607 replies

GoldfinchTart · 28/05/2022 12:03

Disclaimer: this post is not about people who for whatever reason — sight problems, epilepsy, disability, poverty etc — cannot drive. It's about people who could learn to drive but don't want to.

Earlier this week I had a knock at the door and it was a couple asking if I could lend them some gardening equipment. They're in the process of buying a property a few doors along from me. It's a probate sale and it's taking ages, so they'd come down (with the vendors' permission) to start tidying up the garden which has become quite overgrown. They wanted a rake and a spade and loppers 'Because it's difficult to carry a rake on the train'. I invited them in and made them tea while I went to unlock the shed and find the tools. Turns out neither of them drive. He has a licence but found driving stressful and she prefers to be driven.

Our houses are a half-mile walk to a bus stop which isn't much fun when it's pouring with rain. I raised an eyebrow and asked if they cycle? Electric bikes are getting popular around here. We're 11 hilly miles from the nearest major town for shopping and transport links. No, they don't cycle. Long silence. I said that was a pity: taxis were very expensive because they had to come out from the town. She said that they have very nice neighbours where they currently live and they help out with lifts. Apparently the nice neighbours had run these two to the station that morning and would pick them up on their return. And then she asked 'I don't suppose you'd be going into town around 4pm, would you?' Fortunately I had a full afternoon's zoom meeting booked and showed them my diary. My partner and I try to be good neighbours but surely this was a very large red flag?

Next week I'm going to a book festival. I'm going in the camper van my partner and I share. A friend who doesn't drive is coming by train and will be travelling with a tent and camping gear. We arranged that I would be at Hereford station to pick her and her gear up at a certain time. It was planned to give us time to drive to the festival campsite and then for me to go and attend one of the events, which I've booked and paid for in advance. Today she's contacted me to say that she can't get anyone to give her a lift to the station at her end in order to catch the train required. Someone can give her a lift later to the station later in the morning, so she'll be arriving in Hereford two hours later than planned. She still expects me to pick her up from Hereford. I've told her she'll have to catch the bus from Hereford and she's responded that she has far too much gear to get on a bus. She fancies herself as a bit of a green crusader, always knocking me and my partner for having two vehicles and yet she's totally dependent on drivers to get her around.

In August my 28-year-old nephew and his girlfriend are coming to stay. They hope to go walking in the area and to visit several out-of-the-way places. They live in London and don't drive. It's become clear while we've been making arrangements that if they're to do half of what they've planned, I'll need to ferry them around almost every day. They're my relatives, they're here for a week and I'll do it without grumbling. But they'd have far more freedom and independence if they learned to drive and could hire a car for a week.

It strikes me that driving is one of those life skills that all eligible adults should be capable of, even if they choose not to own a car. AIBU?

OP posts:
anonacfr · 29/05/2022 19:09

That reminds me - if you live in an urban area often you are paying circa £1500+ for a parking permit as well.

Where??? I'm in London zone 2 (very touristy area) and my permit has gone up this year to... 111 pounds.

suckingonchillidogs · 29/05/2022 19:09

If every adult could and did drive imagine the amount of traffic. It's a bloody good job not everyone does!

Willowwalkies · 29/05/2022 19:10

Of course anyone who doesn’t want to learn how to drive or have a car doesn’t have to, but I’ve seen many older women who can’t drive unable to visit their husbands or other family members in hospital or hospice because they don’t have that independence. It is a skill worth acquiring and practicing periodically even if you don’t want to drive regularly.

Silvers11 · 29/05/2022 19:14

YABVU to say that everyone should be able to drive and it is a life skill. Plenty of reasons why people choose not to learn to drive - or can't afford to run a car, even if they have learnt to do so. Doesn't look like you have considered that in your thoughts honestly: however.....

YANBU not to want to have to ferry people around if it doesn't suit you. You need to learn to say no and not feel guilty IMO. Easier said than done I do know. Of the 3 scenarios you mentioned 2 at least you should have said no or a variation thereof

  1. The book festival friend, you should just have said I am so sorry I can't. A two hour later arrival doesn't work for me. I am so sorry that means we won't be able to meet up - unless you can get a taxi or something to the train station?
  2. The potential new neighbours? I would have asked them if they were really sure that they wanted to move to a new area with very poor transport links because although they are lucky they have excellent neighbours where they are now, they might not be so lucky in the new house - and probably made a joke along the lines of ''I couldn't do it, for instance because I would mostly be too busy/etc etc'' - and if they do move in, keep saying 'no I'm sorry, but.....' until they get the message. They are CF's IMO
  3. The nephew and girlfriend - well as you said yourself there isn't a need for them to have a car in London. So if you want to drive them around because they are family, fine - but if you feel it is an inconvenience, did you point out to them that it would be very difficult for them to get to all the places they want to visit without transport? Or have they been left with the impression, during the discussions that you are offering to take them to all these places?
You really do need to be assertive and say no when it doesn't suit you.
Momicrone · 29/05/2022 19:14

Buses and Taxis go to hospitals

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 29/05/2022 19:15

I know this is going off on a tangent , sorry but I’d love to ask the non drivers on this thread - do your kids have hobbies? I genuinely could’nt cope without a car for mine, away matches, competitions etc. in an ideal world I’d get the bus but this weekend alone I had three trips for various activities and only one do able on public transport. How do you manage?

Momicrone · 29/05/2022 19:19

It depends where you live surely? In some towns or cities, hobbies should be reachable by walking or cycling or public transport

exaltedwombat · 29/05/2022 19:19

As car ownership gets increasingly expensive, I think a lot of 'occasional' users are going to give them up and 'essential' users will become greatly in demand!

And we need a strategy for dealing with this, so that no-one is frightened to ask, but no-one feels put-upon. And expenses are fairly covered, preferably without having to take out 'for hire' insurance.

As we're all going to be huddling in one house in each street for warmth (and one set of fuel bills) next winter, that will be a good opportunity to work out a sharing scheme.

XingMing · 29/05/2022 19:19

Don't move to Cornwall then. The first priority for most 17 year-olds is passing the driving test, As fast as possible, or no social life.

Kanaloa · 29/05/2022 19:20

Sylvaniandream · 29/05/2022 19:03

Yanbu. 'Drives' me mad! Of course people who are unable to drive because of illness or disability, or someone who needs an emergency lift, are a different case. I HATE driving. Learning to drive cost me a fortune in holiday job and 'real' job money. Didn't pass til late 20s and went through several driving instructors. Don't enjoy the process of driving AT ALL but where I have lived it has been a necessity. Keeping a car is also very very expensive. The people who I have given lifts to rarely offer petrol money, and I wouldn't normally take it anyway for short lifts for friends. The trouble is, there might not be one person taking the mick and asking for several lifts a week, but if you know 10 people who dont drive and each one 'only' asks for a lift once a fortnight, that's still a lift more than every other day in the car I'm paying to buy and maintain and run.... Each person thinks its 'just' one lift oblivious of all the others. Its all very well deciding you don't want to drive or giving up driving, whether to save money or the environment, BUT DON'T DO IT THINKING YOU'LL RELY ON THE FACT THAT SOMEONE ELSE WILL STILL DRIVE YOU WHEN NECESSARY!!! I made and still make a lot of sacrifices to pay for lessons, pass a test and to run a car..... I try to be kind in life over most things , but unless you want to pay me taxi rates or have an actual car share where you pay half for everything, get the bus. If I give a lift, I will actually be out of pocket.... It will COST me to drive you, before I even get to the fact that I don't have much free time, and did I mention? I HATE driving!

I drive and don’t give one person a life each week never mind 10. Just don’t do it. That’s your choice.

Kanaloa · 29/05/2022 19:22

@IfNoTwitterThenWhat

I do drive but when I didn’t have a car (we couldn’t always afford two cars) I walked my kids to their hobbies. My daughter doesn’t do away matches as her hobby is ballet - all recitals were done in places we could walk or taxi to. I even used to take a little suitcase to keep all her things! Same with my son’s hobbies. The only thing was his karate competitions, which sometimes necessitated travel to other cities. We got the train and made a fun day of it most times. That’s life though. Not everyone can afford to do hobbies with multiple away completions anyway - it’s a privilege. Some families simply couldn’t afford to do these activities even if they had a car. It still costs me money in petrol, probably more than it did in trains to be honest.

Glenthebattleostrich · 29/05/2022 19:23

Theeyeballsinthefuckingsky · 28/05/2022 12:13

I can’t drive. I’d love to be able too but I’m absolutely completely & utterly terrible at it. I’ve failed 5 tests. I just can’t master this “basic life skill” sorry for being such a failure!

I loathe asking ppl for lifts. I’d rather walk, get the bus, taxi, anything. I can’t imagine having the nerve to ask a neighbour for a lift. The only person I ask is DH & even then it’s only if I have no other choice. I accept that my inability to drive is no one’s fault but mine & it’s not for other ppl to run around after me.

Exactly this!

Half a mile walk is nothing, if it is cold I put on gloves, if it rains I have waterproofs and an umbrella.

The flip side of this is people don't seem to realise I actually like getting the bus or train, walking and am quite capable of ordering a taxi if I want to. On Friday I had a job interview and a friend was insistent that i couldn't possibly travel by bus, I must accept a lift which would mean getting there far to early. Another friend was trying to figure out who could take me to and from work each day if i got the job. Its sweet but I'm fine getting there and back by bus, the times are actually very convenient and my £20 per week bus pass reasonable!

I am terrible at driving, the world is a safer place without me on the road. On the flip side, I'm an excellent baker and cook and can sew my own clothes. Obviously I judge those who buy cake from the shop instead of making their own!

Badyboo · 29/05/2022 19:23

I've known many older people of both sexes who got stuck in villages, basically unable to leave the house because they were utterly car reliant. My mum was a rural carer for many years and it happened a lot. When she got older she made sure they moved to a town where they'd be better able to cope.

Momicrone · 29/05/2022 19:25

Xingming - I would imagine a 17 year old living in Newquay could have a nice social life

Momicrone · 29/05/2022 19:25

*Without a car

anon666 · 29/05/2022 19:27

Uber offers a cheap and reliable lift to anyone who can't drive

Foodcosts · 29/05/2022 19:30

I learnt to drive at 17 and I found some of it difficult, parallel parking especially and spatial awareness. I have been driving many years now but I still struggle with processing mirror images and spatial awareness. For example I do not drive on motorways because I can't judge whether it is safe to pull out and looking in the mirror to see if it safe to change lanes really doesn't help. I do think there my brain is wired differently, does anyone else struggle with this? Everyone I've asked in real life has looked at me like I have two heads. For clarity, I drive 36 miles a day for work and am confident but I would find reversing on a single track lane very hard. If anyone has any advice I'd be very grateful! My husband does the long distance driving so I'm very lucky there, if I had to drive to somewhere a good distance away it'd take me forever as I'd have to avoid these kind of roads. Can I train my brain?!

XingMing · 29/05/2022 19:31

@Momicrone , ah , but we don't live in Newquay. It's about 70 minutes drive away.

SundayTeatime · 29/05/2022 19:32

anon666 · 29/05/2022 19:27

Uber offers a cheap and reliable lift to anyone who can't drive

Uber doesn’t exist in large parts of the country, especially those rural areas.

Dominuse · 29/05/2022 19:32

I agree but don’t show then Your diary etc my daughter goes to the stables on a Saturday all day. They is a paid employee who drives right past our house on the way to work and back - the stables is a 5 minutes drive but a horrible road to walk. I asked her if she would mind giving my daughter a lift there and back and she was happy to take her BUT my daughter always gives her £5 on the days she goes and yes I know it is only a 5 minute drive and she would be doing it anyway - my daughter said to me she says I don’t need to give her money - and I said yes you do and never ever expect the answer as a yes. Ever. I spoke to her on Saturday when she dropped her off and said - if it’s ever a problem please don’t worry I will drop her or she can walk (nasty road though) or a taxi. She said it was never any trouble and she enjoyed taking her and didn’t want money as she wasn’t going out of her way. I said - that’s not the point you are saving me a journey there and back x4 and time and the very least I can do is help with petrol but there will never be an expectation. Hopefully we aren’t cheeky f*era as it does worry me.

XingMing · 29/05/2022 19:35

And several hours by public transport, so going to Newquay even if you wanted to isn't straightforward. Cornwall is 90 miles long but only about 25 miles wide. It has two arterial roads, and a central rail spine with branch lines. If you can't drive, then you haven't many choices.

Momicrone · 29/05/2022 19:37

Xingming, but the teenagers who live in the towns will be ok surely?

Gwenhwyfar · 29/05/2022 19:38

It apparently costs about a thousand pounds to drive. You expect city dwellers to spend that money just so they can hire a car if they occasionally go on holiday in a rural area. What a waste of money, let alone the time.
Your friend who's camping only needs a lift because she has camping gear with her. Seems like she can cope most of the time.
That would be like expecting someone to learn to drive because once every 10 years they have to go to Ikea.
You are right about your neighbours because they will be living permanently in a place without good public transport links, but YABU to argue that everyone should learn to drive.

Badyboo · 29/05/2022 19:39

I suspect in Cornwall, as in Herefordshire and many other rural bits of the country, plenty of teenagers are biding their time until they can move away.

XingMing · 29/05/2022 19:43

@SundayTeatime No Ubers here, and most of the taxi drivers don't/can't/won't work 24 x 7 so if you were, for example, a breakfast chef clocking on at 7.00 am for a very posh country house hotel, there's no bus doing your route. And the first bus out of our village leaves about 7.45. So you drive, or you can't get and keep a job. The reality of rural life.