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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed partner keeps pictures of his ex because their child is in it?

138 replies

Suddenlypoor · 27/05/2022 21:15

As the title says really.
Partner has a picture on display in his office of him, his ex, their son and his parents.
For context, me and him together 3 years. He divorced wife 6 years ago. No pictures of me/us anywhere in the house (we don’t live together)
Ah I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
Choccylab2022 · 29/05/2022 10:05

OP I say this in the nicest way my mum removed all pictures of my dad when she moved the man she had had an affair with into our family home, she even removed one which was an expensive professional picture & that hurt more than her deceit. I can even picture the day she did it in my head and it still hurts.

I don’t know if it was the guilt or something which made her feel it was acceptable to remove my dads face from all the walls but still hurts my heart a little now thinking of it and I was 11 and now I’m 28 so don’t think if you ask him to remove the image it won’t the little boys feelings you are wrong.

MissTrip82 · 29/05/2022 10:31

Are people reading that this is in his office?

it’s pretty normal to have old family photos at home where your child lives (unless there’s bad feeling between the exes) but a quite lot less normal to have a photo featuring the woman who cheated on you in your office.

i can’t see how it would hurt his child’s feelings to just have a photo of his kid, or him with his kid, in his office.

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 10:39

Weird and unnecessary. Surely he has a photo of his kids by themselves he can frame for his office? Or better yet, him with his kids? My partner has a selection of him and his kids from previous relationship, him and I, and our own DD. If his ex wife's face featured anywhere in a frame in his office I'd be asking questions - and I'd expect him to do the same if I had one of my own DD from previous relationship with her Dad. It's not necessary and it's not respectful.

Completely agree with everything @aSofaNearYou has said.

MissBattleaxe · 29/05/2022 10:45

OP, you don't even live together. As a child of divorced parents who hated each other, I would have liked to have seen a photo of us all in happier times. It's nice for his child and it's not as if it's just the ex in the picture. If he had nude photos of her on his phone, that would be different, but he's clearly with you now and not her. It's actually pretty mature of him as a co parent.

40andlols · 29/05/2022 10:48

I don't know many people who'd want their ex grinning up at them from the desk all times of the day. Gives me the shivers to think of it. Unless they parted on very very good terms I find it odd.

He must have lots of photos of his son/ his parents?

I wonder if this is just classic lazy man behaviour. He hasn't bothered to change it?

I have photos of my daughter and my ex in a box and take them out occasionally to look but I don't think you're unreasonable to not want them out on display.

WeAllHaveWings · 29/05/2022 12:30

Picture of a bf and his ex on display would be a huge red flag, but once you bring children into it the rules all change. They are a family, she will always be the mother of his children and you will need to accept his kids and by extension she will always be involved in his life.

Be pleased he has a mature attitude to it, isnt cutting her out of photos and is displaying discreetly. It benefits his children to see that side of their family unit happy together.

Being with a man with children is more complex and difficult especially if you go on to have your own children as his first family will always be there and equally need his attention. Make sure it is something you talk about in depth and are ready to sign up.

aSofaNearYou · 29/05/2022 12:37

WeAllHaveWings · 29/05/2022 12:30

Picture of a bf and his ex on display would be a huge red flag, but once you bring children into it the rules all change. They are a family, she will always be the mother of his children and you will need to accept his kids and by extension she will always be involved in his life.

Be pleased he has a mature attitude to it, isnt cutting her out of photos and is displaying discreetly. It benefits his children to see that side of their family unit happy together.

Being with a man with children is more complex and difficult especially if you go on to have your own children as his first family will always be there and equally need his attention. Make sure it is something you talk about in depth and are ready to sign up.

My DP certainly does not view himself as still being a family with his ex and if he did, I would not be with him.

This is often held up as a given on here but it really isn't.

FlippityFlapperty · 29/05/2022 12:50

You can’t try to erase his past and make family photos with her in disappear into a box in the loft. The child should grow up seeing photos of him and his mum around the home. It’s better than him being in the middle of a load of acrimonious hate between his parents.

BusyMum47 · 29/05/2022 12:57

@Suddenlypoor I was initially thinking, "Yeah, bit unreasonable of you - the pic might be one of him & his son (& his parents) that he really likes & it can't be helped that his ex is in it & like it or not, she's part of his past & the mother of his child & you need to respect that." etc. etc.
BUT then I read your other posts about him not getting on with his parents, having plenty of other nice pics of him & his son displayed, not wanting any of YOU TWO anywhere, after 3yrs together & the fact that he's very recently made a conscious decision to display it in his new office.

That made me feel a bit sad for you & now I actually don't think you're being at all unreasonable to feel upset about it. After 3yrs together, I'd be wanting some sign of long term commitment - living together, at least. If he can't even display a photo of the two of you, where does he stand on that?

OhJanet · 29/05/2022 13:10

YANBU.

Marvellousmadness · 29/05/2022 13:35

Red flag
Id move on if i was you!!!

RosieRooster83 · 29/05/2022 13:44

@aSofaNearYou completely agree with you. I would not be with my DH if he still viewed himself as a family unit with his ex. It's completely inappropriate.

justfiveminutes · 29/05/2022 13:45

I wouldn't like it either op. I love my children but would display photos of them, or photos of me with them, not a photo that included my ex. It could be a special memory, or a gift from one of his kids I guess.

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 13:55

I was going to say YABU but now I think YANBU if he's deliberately added the photo to his office (ie it's not for his child is it) and says a photo with you would be common.

What are you getting out of this relationship? He sounds awful to be honest!

Catfordthefifth · 29/05/2022 13:56

And tbh I wouldn't want a picture of my ex on my desk no matter how amicable we were. The past is the past and it feels disrespectful.

almostsinglemum · 29/05/2022 14:35

They are a family,

They were a family. They are now 2 single parents, therefore 2 separate family units.

As per @aSofaNearYou's comment - my DP definitely doesn't see himself as a "family" with his ex wife and their kids. He is a family with me and our joint child and our other kids from previous relationships. The ex wife is in a totally separate family unit that has nothing to do with him.

Viostep · 29/05/2022 15:15

Yanbu. Really strange to display a pic of your ex in your private office. Does he not have any photos of him and his son or just his son?

Why can't he just put old pics like that in a drawer or in the loft for his son to look through when he's older?

And he refuses to put up a picture of you anywhere? 🚩🚩i would rethink this relationship if I were you. He doesn't sound like he respects you much

justfiveminutes · 29/05/2022 15:50

To choose that photo of his children, over all the others he could have chosen, does seem a bit odd. If it was part of a gallery or collection of photos it might not be so jarring, but as the only photo yes it is unusual imo. It is disrespectful to you as surely his colleagues will think he is still longing for his previous life, certainly as you've been together for a long time.

balalake · 29/05/2022 16:06

Photos of his children, fine, but not as you describe OP.

shebuildsquickmachines · 29/05/2022 20:53

RosieRooster83 · 29/05/2022 13:44

@aSofaNearYou completely agree with you. I would not be with my DH if he still viewed himself as a family unit with his ex. It's completely inappropriate.

Totally agree

Ugh the very thought that I'm still some kind of family with my eldests dad !! Nope nope and nope 🤢

Original poster
Suddenlypoor · 29/05/2022 21:13

Thanks for the support from some of you. Some of the comments have been really helpful.
As you said, if it was the only photo of him and his child on display, fair enough. But he has lots on display- his child alone or with him. Why did he feel the need to add this one with his ex in it?
I’m just not sure how to broach the subject with him or even if I want to. I hate the thought of starting an argument

OP posts:
MissChanandlerBong80 · 29/05/2022 21:43

MissTrip82 · 29/05/2022 10:31

Are people reading that this is in his office?

it’s pretty normal to have old family photos at home where your child lives (unless there’s bad feeling between the exes) but a quite lot less normal to have a photo featuring the woman who cheated on you in your office.

i can’t see how it would hurt his child’s feelings to just have a photo of his kid, or him with his kid, in his office.

I took it to mean it’s a home office?

SeemsSoUnfair · 29/05/2022 21:43

Dont start an argument then, start a conversation.

Explore with him the part he thinks his ex and mother of his children will play in his life in the future and then decide if you are up for being with a partner who will continue contact with his first family. Removing one photo in a discreet place wont change anything significant.

He shouldnt have to change and you get to decide if you find acceptable what he has to offer.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/05/2022 00:33

@Suddenlypoor Do you often avoid initiating a discussion about things that are concerning you or discussions about things that are important to you out of fear it will be viewed by your partner as an argument?

Because if that is the case, that is no way to live. No one should fear communicating with their partner.

GetThatHelmetOn · 30/05/2022 00:56

I would be annoyed, not because she is the photo but because it implied at his job I didn’t exist or wasn’t important. I wouldn’t mind if the photo was in display at home in DSC’s bedroom or even anywhere in the house as long as it wasn’t the only photo in display.

I would say that after 6 years divorced he should have more family photos to choose from including some with you in them.

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