Page 3 | AIBU to be annoyed partner keeps pictures of his ex because their child is in it?

Suddenlypoor · 2022-05-27T20:15:55+00:00

As the title says really. Partner has a picture on display in his office of him, his ex, their son and his parents. For context, me and him together 3 years. He divorced wife 6 years ago. No pictures of me/us anywhere in the house (we don’t live together) Ah I right to be annoyed?

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 27/05/2022 23:25

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2022 21:31

Only an insecure person would think that way

In your opinion. In mine, it's about being respectful to your long term partner. No reason that particular picture needs to be on display.

Only an insecure person would be so insistent new, long term partners "know their place".

Only an insecure person would insist that no reference is ever made to the childs mother.

You would NEED massive self esteem issues to believe erasing all trace of a childs mother to make you feel better is reasonable.

GreySquirrrel · 27/05/2022 23:27

Don’t be ridiculous OP

millymollymoomoo · 27/05/2022 23:27

I disagree with posters

no one is asking to erasehistory
yes she’s the mother of his children

but I think it’s slightly wietd to have family photos up when they’re not a combined unit anymore

i wouldn’t have photos of my ex on display

no one is saying he has to burn all photos or deny her existence, just confine photos to an album and display more recent photos of his children ) and possibly his partner of 3 years )

doesn’t make you insecure. Makes him disrespectful to you

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 27/05/2022 23:29

millymollymoomoo · 27/05/2022 23:27

I disagree with posters

no one is asking to erasehistory
yes she’s the mother of his children

but I think it’s slightly wietd to have family photos up when they’re not a combined unit anymore

i wouldn’t have photos of my ex on display

no one is saying he has to burn all photos or deny her existence, just confine photos to an album and display more recent photos of his children ) and possibly his partner of 3 years )

doesn’t make you insecure. Makes him disrespectful to you

It makes YOU disrespectful. You don't get to dictate what memories someone else holds dear. That's batshit levels of entitlement.

lifecanbehardattimes · 27/05/2022 23:32

I don't know why, but it would depend if it's on his desk at home or in his place of work (ie an office that he shares with colleagues)

If it's in his place of work I'd be hurt to think his colleagues would know he kept a photo of his ex on his desk and not a picture of you. If this was the case I'd hope he'd change the photo to one just of his child!

PleaseGoDontGoAgain · 27/05/2022 23:38

So you're a gf of Three years but you don't live together, why would he have pics of you up in his house you haven't made any kind of commitment to each other.

You really do not have the right to be angry about pictures he has in a house you do not live in or an office you do not work in.
Not all of us consider Three years to be long term either.

JenniferWooley · 28/05/2022 07:29

There's a photograph from my wedding (I've been divorced for 16 years) that is still on display in my house. It's me in all my wedding finery with my siblings - this photo of my wedding day to a man that abandoned his children & I wouldn't speak to if I passed him in the street will be on display until the day I die because less than 6 months after it was taken my younger brother committed suicide & this is the last picture taken of us all together. I don't look at it & think of my wedding day I look at it & think of the last time all my siblings were together & how I miss the 2 who are no longer here.

Photos don't always mean what you think they do to someone.

Sova · 28/05/2022 07:50

I think if the photo was in his child’s room I’d be ok with that but In his office that’s a bit weird. At least if there was a picture of you and him and as well maybe that’s a bit more balanced. Is the relationship ok otherwise though?

Sova · 28/05/2022 07:52

Suddenlypoor · 27/05/2022 21:43

Fair enough. I was obviously wrong so thanks for pointing it out. I’ve not said anything to him about it, it’s just something that irked me. Glad I hadn’t!
But for more context, he has lots of pictures of his son around the house, both on his own and himself with his son. It’s not as if this is the only photo of him anywhere.
And when I suggested we put a nice photo of us two somewhere, he poo-pooed the idea.

That would be problematic for me.

Sova · 28/05/2022 08:04

I’ve taken down all my ex’s photos from everywhere once we got divorced and just left them in my kids rooms, but I’m not on the photos, just him and my child. I wouldn’t want to have a potential partner come and see photos of me and my ex together as I’d think that could mean I wasn’t ready to move on or that how i saw myself in that unit and that I didn’t have a space for a new person. And wouldn’t want to hurt their feelings.
if I was with someone for 3 years of course I’d be grateful and happy if they suggested to have our photo in the house. If they though it was weird/cheesy then even more so I’d be wondering why they are still having a pic of their ex? Don’t they want their ex to see my photo when she comes to the house? Or other women they might be seeing? Do they think something better might come along? I would feel being pushed away tbh.
It could be that it’s just a photo and doesn’t mean anything though. I went out with someone once who had empty photo frames as never got round to putting photos inside. Probably most guys only have pics as the gf or wife gave them to them? I don’t know, I wouldn’t be happy about this. Good luck

Sova · 28/05/2022 08:06

Ooo and just to add I’d never expect anyone to thrown away photos, just why have them on display, most of us wouldn’t want to look at our ex every time we are working

Shakeupandwakeup · 28/05/2022 08:07

YABU. She was an essential part of his life - she's the mother of his son. Good for him to still have that level of affection for her.

Ringmaster27 · 28/05/2022 08:11

Yeah you’re unreasonable.
She’s the child’s mother and will always be part of your DP’s life whether you like it or not.
My DCs have pictures in their bedroom of me, them and my exH all together. I kept all my wedding photos in a box in case they want to see them.
Doesn’t mean I still hold a torch for exH. It just means that we are both still our DCs parents and regardless of what happened between us, he will always be a part of my life as the father of my DCs.

RitaFires · 28/05/2022 08:16

Is the real problem that you feel he isn't taking your relationship seriously after 3 years? Would you like to move in together so you're upset that he won't even agree to having your picture in the house?

I think it's unreasonable to be upset about him having a picture of his ex in a family context but it's understandable if you're resentful that you feel like the relationship isn't going anywhere. If that's the real issue talk to him about that, don't focus on a photo.

Youseethethingis1 · 28/05/2022 08:24

Do photo albums not exist in some of your worlds? A photo must either be framed and displayed or burned to be erase all trace of the people in it? 🙄
It's a bit odd to display your ex who cheated on you but not your girlfriend of 3 years. If you are serious about each other that is. If he's got you in the Current Girlfriend Only box with no intentions of moving on to Partner (as in, living together), Wife or Mother of His Child then it's very understandable not to bother displaying a photo of you. After 3 years I'd want to either be content in my box or know what the plan for the future of the relationship was.

barbrahunter · 28/05/2022 08:27

Actually I know what you mean, OP. It suggests that he hasn't moved on from his old relationship when he has a picture of his ex on display at his office (and elsewhere?). Not wanting him to have a picture of his ex up in his working environment is not the same as asking him to deny his past etc etc. It suggests that they are still married. And they're not.

Also, I would have been pissed off if he refused and mocked your suggestion of his displaying a picture of both of you somewhere.

The displayed pictures of may be a small thing of themselves (although still worthy of comment) but his comment to you was pretty nasty and dismissive. It suggests that your shared relationship is not serious. His previous was the definitive and yours in the minor position. This is ok if it's that you both want.

Are you generally treated as a lesser person in his life?

barbrahunter · 28/05/2022 08:28

oh the poster above me has said it better than I have

MarmaladeLime · 28/05/2022 08:31

When you say "on display" how prominent is it? If it's a massive thing on the wall that stares him straight in the face as soon as he walks in that would bother me more than just something thats been hanging up to the side for ages.

MarmaladeLime · 28/05/2022 08:33

barbrahunter · 28/05/2022 08:27

Actually I know what you mean, OP. It suggests that he hasn't moved on from his old relationship when he has a picture of his ex on display at his office (and elsewhere?). Not wanting him to have a picture of his ex up in his working environment is not the same as asking him to deny his past etc etc. It suggests that they are still married. And they're not.

Also, I would have been pissed off if he refused and mocked your suggestion of his displaying a picture of both of you somewhere.

The displayed pictures of may be a small thing of themselves (although still worthy of comment) but his comment to you was pretty nasty and dismissive. It suggests that your shared relationship is not serious. His previous was the definitive and yours in the minor position. This is ok if it's that you both want.

Are you generally treated as a lesser person in his life?

I agree 100% with this.

XmasElf10 · 28/05/2022 08:34

YABU, my wedding photo is displayed in my house and I’ve been divorced 4years. My DP asked why I still had it up very early in our relationship and I explained that my mum was in it in her post cancer wig. The wedding was a huge milestone in her treatment and whilst I no longer wanted to be married to my ex that particular day was a very very happy one for me for lots of reasons, primarily my mum being able to attend.

my DP is no an AH and is able to see what I see in that photo now. Just because I’m divorced I’m not going to pretend the 14 years with my exH didn’t happen. It did and plenty of it was happy. Now I’m happy with DP. He features prominently on the rotating gallery of recent e-photos on my Portal along with DD and dog and family (none of ex). He is my now but exH is still my past.

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/05/2022 08:36

The photo with his ex partner in it wouldn’t bother me, but him shutting down your suggestion of displaying you as a couple in a photo after 3 years of being in a relationship would bother me. And it’s no more cheesy than displaying photos of him and his family.

Floweryflora · 28/05/2022 08:38

Gosh op, is there a back story here? Do you struggle with jealousy and insecurity or other mental health problems?

yes of course you’re being unreasonable. The question is why do you not recognise it and don’t know that?

TheAverageUser · 28/05/2022 08:39

I don't think YABU, you're not asking for his son to not be in the chosen photos just not one of his ex. He could have a photo of himself and his son and one of you. I don't think that's "erasing" his ex wife, just chosing appropriate photos.

If this photo was the only photo of his son then you'd BU.

Skyeheather · 28/05/2022 08:43

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2022 21:28

I disagree with other posters and think YANBU. It wouldn't be reasonable to expect him to get rid of these pictures but it would be more respectful of him to choose pictures of just his kids rather than with his ex, or to at least have pictures of you, too.

I think this is pretty shitty of him.

I agree, he could easily take a new photo of his son with his parents and replace the photo with that one.

ElenaSt · 28/05/2022 08:52

A Draw a moustache and glasses on her when he's out of the office.

B Understand that he had a life before you and that photo represents a happy occasion with his son and parents and his wife who he was with at the time.

I hardly think he sits in his office regularly knocking one out whilst gazing at his ex wife whilst squinting so he cannot see his son and parents in the photo.

Be pleased he's not bitter and can look back at his past and have fond memories.