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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be annoyed partner keeps pictures of his ex because their child is in it?

138 replies

Suddenlypoor · 27/05/2022 21:15

As the title says really.
Partner has a picture on display in his office of him, his ex, their son and his parents.
For context, me and him together 3 years. He divorced wife 6 years ago. No pictures of me/us anywhere in the house (we don’t live together)
Ah I right to be annoyed?

OP posts:
WalkingOnTheCracks · 28/05/2022 09:37

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/05/2022 21:39

I would save myself the hassle by not dating men with kids in the first place. Always some nonsensical drama.

Show quote history

The common denominator that leads to nonsensical drama might not be the kids. It might be you.

DyingForACuppa · 28/05/2022 10:26

Honestly if my partner suggested we take a deliberate 'couple' picture together and put it up I would also find it cheesy and ridiculous.

I like taking pictures with the people I'm with doing things with (holidays/Christmas/parties/days out), and I put up nice ones. It's about the memory.

I can easily see that a picture of his family from a previous occasion would have meaning to him that has nothing in particular to do with the fact that his ex is also in it, whereas a contrived couple photo would have no particular meaning.

CJsGoldfish · 28/05/2022 10:37

And when I suggested we put a nice photo of us two somewhere, he poo-pooed the idea
That's the issue. Not having a family picture up FOR his child which I think is perfectly reasonable and maybe even important.
Having a picture that represents his life now and your place in it is important to you and that is perfectly reasonable as well and really should be to him as well.

aSofaNearYou · 28/05/2022 10:38

So you think it’s right to put his girlfriends feelings above his own child’s?

I don't think it's one or the other. It has not been stated that the child is aware of the photo and attached to it being there, we don't even know how old they are. I would think differently if the reason he wanted it there was because his child would notice the change if he took it down and be upset, but that is purely speculation.

It's perfectly possible to keep an album of photos for your child to look at of their time with their mother. It is not by any means essential that those photos be on display, unless the child in question has actually said as much.

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 10:41

I wouldn't even consider having a photo displayed of my ex, me and our children altogether. Massively disrespectful to my husband. I would also find it hugely disrespectful and inappropriate if he had a photo of his ex displayed too.

aSofaNearYou · 28/05/2022 10:45

*Only an insecure person would insist that no reference is ever made to the childs mother.

You would NEED massive self esteem issues to believe erasing all trace of a childs mother to make you feel better is reasonable.*

Are you incapable of accepting that other people have their own views without projecting your own notion of their motives onto them? I do not have self esteem issues, I an not insecure about my DPs affections. Even in a hypothetical scenario that did not involve me at all, I would view it as unnecessary and disrespectful towards subsequent, long term partners you have chosen to have to not consider their feelings on pictures of you and your ex being on display. And pictures being on display is entirely different to "erasing her existence" or insisting on no reference to her, this is extreme hyperbole a lot of people on this thread are engaging in. Those photos could easily be kept in albums.

LuaDipa · 28/05/2022 10:48

Suddenlypoor · 27/05/2022 21:48

He said it was ‘cheesy’ and ‘common’.
oh and yes, they are on ok terms now but the break-up was because she cheated on him apparently.

This is the problem, not the pic of his dc and ex. He clearly doesn’t value you.

howtomoveforwards · 28/05/2022 10:50

it's about being respectful to your long term partner. No reason that particular picture needs to be on display

no reason? How could you possibly know what the significance of an individual photo might be to this man? It’s not a photo of him and his ex. It is clearly a photo of his family in a given moment we know nothing about. The significance could be massive for him. He really should have to justify having had a past and wanting that past to be displayed in his home. I can understand it might be upsetting to a new partner but she doesn’t even live there and is trying to demand changes to his decor. How about she is respectful of her long term partner and his past?

MarmaladeLime · 28/05/2022 10:55

JenniferWooley · 28/05/2022 07:29

There's a photograph from my wedding (I've been divorced for 16 years) that is still on display in my house. It's me in all my wedding finery with my siblings - this photo of my wedding day to a man that abandoned his children & I wouldn't speak to if I passed him in the street will be on display until the day I die because less than 6 months after it was taken my younger brother committed suicide & this is the last picture taken of us all together. I don't look at it & think of my wedding day I look at it & think of the last time all my siblings were together & how I miss the 2 who are no longer here.

Photos don't always mean what you think they do to someone.

I think DP would have said something to OP if it meant something like that to him

Original poster
Suddenlypoor · 28/05/2022 12:04

howtomoveforwards · 28/05/2022 10:50

it's about being respectful to your long term partner. No reason that particular picture needs to be on display

no reason? How could you possibly know what the significance of an individual photo might be to this man? It’s not a photo of him and his ex. It is clearly a photo of his family in a given moment we know nothing about. The significance could be massive for him. He really should have to justify having had a past and wanting that past to be displayed in his home. I can understand it might be upsetting to a new partner but she doesn’t even live there and is trying to demand changes to his decor. How about she is respectful of her long term partner and his past?

I have never not would ever ‘demand’ he takes it down or change his decor in any way. That was never on the cards for me. I haven’t mentioned it to him. In fact, ‘annoyed’ was probably the wrong word in the first place. I’m just a little sad if I’m honest. That he wants no memories of us together anywhere but has gone out of his way to add a photo of his ex amongst the pictures of him and his son and his son on his own to his recently redecorated office.
I think some people on here just love to attack others and make them feel even shittier than they did in the first place.

OP posts:
aSofaNearYou · 28/05/2022 12:07

That he wants no memories of us together anywhere but has gone out of his way to add a photo of his ex amongst the pictures of him and his son and his son on his own to his recently redecorated office.

So the picture wasn't even there before? Rather throws into question the assumption by many posters that his kid would be upset he "removed" the photo.

Youseethethingis1 · 28/05/2022 12:08

That makes it even worse if he's recently deliberately chosen the old photos, as opposed to them just passively being there from years ago.
No wonder you're feeling a bit rejected.

bobbythevet · 28/05/2022 12:11

You're massively drip feeding OP. And as others have said, talk to him? Or gift him a framed photo if it's bothering you so much?

vivainsomnia · 28/05/2022 12:12

Its his house and he's probably not that bothered with rearranging things. It's there like everything else is.

It would be a different I'd you lived together and he made a point of having it there to stare out.

Unfortunately, it is not impossible that he might indeed still have feelings for her.

Libertaire · 28/05/2022 12:15

YABVU.

The fact that he keeps this photo on display which obviously reminds him of a happy time in his life with his family reflects very well on his character. The fact that you resent this suggests that you might need to work on your insecurities.

MissNothing1991 · 28/05/2022 12:18

Waxonwaxoff0 · 27/05/2022 21:39

I would save myself the hassle by not dating men with kids in the first place. Always some nonsensical drama.

Show quote history

God, aren't you a pleasure.

AnotherEmma · 28/05/2022 12:18

"when I suggested we put a nice photo of us two somewhere, he poo-pooed the idea."

This is the real problem and YANBU to be upset about it.

I do understand why you're upset that he's chosen a family photo with his ex in it, when he doesn't have any photos of you (or the two of you) on display.

If you talk to him I think you should keep his ex out of it and just say that you feel hurt that he doesn't want any photos of you when he has photos of other loved ones (including his parents).

WhatIsThisPlease · 28/05/2022 12:50

Really shocked by these responses!

I'm on good terms with my ex but no way would I want a photo of him staring back at me every day. And I think if did, it would really hurt my DP.

I agree you can't wipe them out of history, but they are history! Fair enough have a nice picture of her and the DC in DC's bedroom, but in his study? No thanks 😂

RosieRooster83 · 28/05/2022 13:35

@Suddenlypoor sending hugs to you. You are not wrong to feel the way you do, everyone is entitled to their own feelings and shouldn't be told that they are silly to feel a certain way.

It would bother me too and my perception of it would be that he is not over his ex. I don't think you are being unreasonable at all.

ImustLearn2Cook · 28/05/2022 23:22

@Suddenlypoor I think you have had some really awful responses on here. I agree with @RosieRooster83, you are not wrong to feel the way you do.

You shouldn’t have to explain or justify to your partner why it’s important for you to be included in photo displays because it would be pretty obvious to most people. You’ve had 3 years of building memories and that should mean something.

I think the way he shut you down was disrespectful and you deserve to be treated way better then that.

The fact that he didn’t choose to add any pictures with you in them to his recently redecorated office is a bit odd if you are both happy in the relationship and he values you.

I would feel sad to.

It’s not low self esteem or insecurity to expect to be treated well and to be valued. It’s self respect and having healthy boundaries and high self esteem.

Sending virtual hugs 💐

Scurryfunge12 · 29/05/2022 00:34

Massively unreasonable. You can’t dictate this. Stop being so jealous, It’s so immature.

ShaneTwane · 29/05/2022 09:35

I changed my initial yabu to now yanbu in light of his disgusting response that he won't display a photo of you as it's "common". Why is that common but displaying his ex and parents and child not? The fact that you're not married? Would he display your wedding photo if you did get married?

AlternativePerspective · 29/05/2022 09:44

And when I suggested we put a nice photo of us two somewhere, he poo-pooed the idea
I don’t have any pictures up of my ex, but neither would I want framed pictures of me and my partner which didn’t have any significant event attached to them. Tacky IMO.

Whatever00 · 29/05/2022 09:58

YABU BUT I can understand why you are hurt that there aren't any photos of you. I would print a photo, frame it and give it to him as a gift maybe for your anniversary. After 4 years I would expect you to have some presence in his home even if you don't live together.

shebuildsquickmachines · 29/05/2022 10:00

aSofaNearYou · 27/05/2022 21:28

I disagree with other posters and think YANBU. It wouldn't be reasonable to expect him to get rid of these pictures but it would be more respectful of him to choose pictures of just his kids rather than with his ex, or to at least have pictures of you, too.

I think this is pretty shitty of him.

I agree

I have a dc from my first marriage and I have absolutely no pics of my ex in my house. Dh has a grown up child with his ex too, again, pics of his child bit no pics of his ex

It's not because either of us are jealous it's just because there's no actual need

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