If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant?

[whatnextsteps]

As the title asks, would you prefer to be told privately or in group setting?

A year and a half ago my best friend was told she can't have children and going through early menopause due to medical reasons/procedures. I know she still has down days about this but tries to hide it from our friend group as she found a support group of women who have gone through or going through similar as her.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie but don't know whether to tell her privately before group announcement so she could deal with any emotions as I'm the first of our group to be having a baby.

TIA for your advise

I think I'll leave my thread now, too many are jumping on me wanting to tell my friends in person/as the group or the honorary auntie comment when the point of this thread was to get advise on how best to tell my friend.

Thank you to those who answered my question, I'll take your advise on board and think what will work best

You’re asking people for advice on how to tell your friend sensitively - but this whole situation only really exists because of the over-riding need to make an in-person group announcement.

I get that’s a lovely thing to do, and to want to do, to share the news.

But - kindly - maybe it’s not appropriate for a pregnancy announcement, especially when one of the group is in infertile.

Engagements, promotions, new houses - they’re all unambiguously lovely, and great to announce to a group. A pregnancy, when a member of the group’s infertile, not so much.

If I were the friend, having to be handled with kid gloves and told separately before the big announcement, being implicitly pitied - and then still have to sit through the big announcement … that’s actually pretty awful.

I can see that, and I’m not infertile.

Engagements, promotions, new houses - they’re all unambiguously lovely, and great to announce to a group.

How about people who are long term single have never married and are unlikely to, or are unemployed and unable to work due to disabilities, or can never afford to buy a house?

OK then - don’t make ANY announcements in person to your friends.

Have you ever suffered from infertility?

Both my friend and I were the last ones to have children, both suffering from infertility. When all the others had their children I wasn't trying anyway but we never did a bkg group announcement, we always told eachother individually. I'd steer away from big group announcements as it'll probably make your friend seem more isolated.

When my friend who also had infertility told me she was pregnant she did it via phone call. It was a big shock, especially after I'd not long had a miscarriage but I think that was the right decision as she'd been told children were impossible for her so she understood that although I was happy for her I was hurting and didn't jump for joy.

I do think for most though a text is the best way. But for your friends sake steer away from a big announcement, I know you're excited but it might be better to tell people one to one.

Now that I have DC I'd never do a big pregnancy announcement, you just never know who might be struggling but I think you're a good friend coming on here for advice.

And for a poster upthread who said secondary infertility is the same as primary infertility, it absolutely is not. It's very sad if you can't have another of course, but it's not comparable to not having that longed for first baby. Please don't compare the two.

I agree that it is best to just tell everyone individually - friend dealing with infertility doesn't have to perform in front of others and can process their feelings, but also doesn't have to feel singled out as 'the infertile one who needs to be told separately' which to be honest could be equally hurtful. It's a win as she doesn't get treated any differently to anyone else at a time where I'm sure she is going to feel bloody different.