If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant?

[whatnextsteps]

As the title asks, would you prefer to be told privately or in group setting?

A year and a half ago my best friend was told she can't have children and going through early menopause due to medical reasons/procedures. I know she still has down days about this but tries to hide it from our friend group as she found a support group of women who have gone through or going through similar as her.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie but don't know whether to tell her privately before group announcement so she could deal with any emotions as I'm the first of our group to be having a baby.

TIA for your advise

that's what I was thinking, tell her before group meet up and let her know I plan on announcing it to everyone then so she can decide if wants to come or not.

This sounds like a good idea to me.

@PurpleDaisies obviously gauge the reaction first ffs!

Im not on about presenting it to her straight away.

See my previous post. I was quoting another poster but it disappeared.

You are so thoughtful what a great friend. I've only got 1 teen and tell people that it was a choice when it really was not, I just don't want to share my feelings and get upset. So it's different to your friend we are not in the same boat I know. I just thought how kind of you to be so thoughtful so wanted to comment. Congratulations also!!

Ah okays, cross posted

My best friend has unexplained infertility. Ive told her as soon as i found out,and by text. That way she can react as she wants and doesnt have to put a face on for me. She has been nothing but supportive, especially when my son was stillborn x

I agree with those saying text, though I am old and there were no such things when I was struggling. Have awful memories of being told face to face and struggling to compose myself and paste on a smile.

Firstly congratulations on your pregnancy! I definitely agree with others that a group setting isn’t ideal - I would tell her in advance. You know your friend, so you will have an idea of whether a text or chat would be better.

I recently told a friend I’m pregnant via text - she has similar issues. However, she called me quite quickly and was delighted for me. So I probably should have called her in the first place.

But really depends on the person and how raw you think everything is at the moment.

Honestly I’d tell all your friends in your group individually and not do a big group announcement. That way when you all see each other they’ll all already know. I don’t see why you need to do some big group announcement to be honest. It would be awful for her whether she already knows or not.

I think that usually a pregnancy announcement would mess me up for the rest of the day, but by the next day I would have got myself together again.
So maybe tell her a day or two in advance of the group announcement, and then invite her along to that (with no expectations) so she doesn’t feel left out of the friendship group.
I felt really isolated when I was going through IVF and everyone I knew was getting pregnant, so trying to keep her included in things would be good, providing everything doesn’t revolve around pregnancy.
Congratulations by the way!

Come on, you’ve started this thread because you don’t even know how she’ll react to the news, so it’s ludicrous to claim you have this kind of foresight.

Your friend needs time to process your pregnancy news. It may take seconds, hours or days but she will be happy for you. Tell her, via text, and then leave it a few days at least to announce it to your group. Infertility is a very personal thing and everyone copes differently. The world can seem very cruel when others fall pregnant and you don't. You sound like a very caring friend and so your friend will know you only have the best intentions in letting her know privately.

Congratulations on your pregnancy xx

Privately via text ..not face to face so she time to deal with it without anyone around. Give her time before you saw her again. Dont expect anything from her especially not being honoury aunty. Give her time. Thank you for thinking of her like this. Congratulations. I was your friend until a miracle happened with DD so totally understand and love you more for your kindness and understanding x

Definitely privately. Not sure if by text or face to face, think I would’ve preferred the latter when I was going through this. Also no group announcement and no scan pictures on social media. You sound like a kind and considerate friend. Congratulations

Oh yes and don’t go on and on and on about your pregnancy like one of my work so-called friends did ☹️

Definitely don’t do what a friend did to me, which was whip her scan photo out at a meal, push it under my nose and say ‘guess what I’ve done!’

😒

my friend wanted to know either face to face or over the phone but before I had told anyone else. She was extremely upset (with me?) when I told her I was expecting dc3 and cried so I felt I should have told her by text message in order for her to be able to process her feelings.
I miscarried dc4 quite early on and didnt tell her I was expecting or suffered a loss after her reaction to dc3.

I'm in your friend's position and would much rather be told by text. However try not to phrase it like "I'm going to announce it to the group so you might want to stay at home".

Infertility can make you feel like a complete failure compared to everyone else who is getting pregnant easily and is very isolating. And people's pity can be very hard to take. If I'm told as part of a pregnancy announcement "I know this must be hard for you" or "I know you mightn't want to come to our next meet up", it makes me feel worse. I just won't go to the meet up if I don't feel up to it, I don't need it made clear that I'm getting a special dispensation because everyone feels sorry for me.

You're definitely on the right track and you're a good friend for thinking about the right way to do it.

When I was having IVF, a work friend found out she was pregnant. She was lovely. She surprised me with a bag of self-care things (magazine, candle, chocolate etc) and told me lots of lovely things about myself that were completely unrelated to babies/fertility/IVF and that I needed to have more downtime. Sometime later (a week or 2 perhaps) she told me she was pregnant. It was just so cleverly done and so nice to know that people valued me for me, which actually is really vital when you're feeling like you might not achieve something that you really want, like children.

To those saying not to assume she'll want to be an honorary auntie, I know she will, I can't explain how I do I just do.

This line made me think this thread might be a reverse. With respect, no matter how well people know their friends, the issue of infertility is deeply personal and difficult.

In our friendship group, there is only one who has remained child-free and she constantly has babies foisted on her to be the "auntie". She does this with grace but I can secretly see in her face that it's not a role she's incredibly pleased with.

I don't get this group announcement, I don't know any friendship group that behaves like that... t

congratulations on your pregnancy @whatnextsteps ☺️. I agree with telling her privately by text. I have had a couple of friends who knew my situation privately reveal to me in text a few days before a group announcement.

If you are super close, you could also do so in a phone call - my best friend told me her news this way as unfortunately was just after my 11 week miscarriage. But she knew me inside out and knew exactly what to say.

It's interesting, now that we have experienced loss and are well over the 2 year TTC mark, I don't think id ever do a group announcement. You don't know what others are going through.

@ProclivityForPyrotechnics what happened to you is bloody awful. How utterly thoughtless to jump on the back of you opening up about having a hard time to say "but we aren't, yay!". Absolutely hideous.

I remember being on the phone to a friend opening up about how hard I found other people’s pregnancy announcements and she said “oh, I won’t say anything then”.

😧 I can’t believe this I’m sorry sorry that you went through that. 😡