If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant?

[whatnextsteps]

As the title asks, would you prefer to be told privately or in group setting?

A year and a half ago my best friend was told she can't have children and going through early menopause due to medical reasons/procedures. I know she still has down days about this but tries to hide it from our friend group as she found a support group of women who have gone through or going through similar as her.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie but don't know whether to tell her privately before group announcement so she could deal with any emotions as I'm the first of our group to be having a baby.

TIA for your advise

Congratulations OP.

As others have said, by text. It's the majority vote, yes there might be some who would prefer a call but it's less likey.
I really don't want the scan pictures.

The whole auntie thing is so presumptuous, it can get very wearing being given this role, it can feel like 'spoil my baby because you can't have your own' . It's not for everyone. If it is for your friend she'll show you by her enthusiasm levels.

Secondary infertility is very sad but is absolutely not the same thing, and anyone who actually came out with that in real life, well, I'd certainly think less of them.

@ProclivityForPyrotechnics so sorry you went through that.

This was the situation with a friend of mine, I text her seperately to tell her and said that I acknowledged that it might be hard for her and I didn't expect anything from her. She was grateful.

Text message

However try not to phrase it like "I'm going to announce it to the group so you might want to stay at home".

Yes definitely agree. I didn't mean to literally say she might want to stay at home. Just inform her of the group announcement so she can make that decision for herself. You don't need to mention her going or not going.

Don’t watch her and don’t talk about her reaction (if any) with anyone, ever. Some people like taking an active role in your child’s life some don’t, but it’s nothing to do with infertility. Holding your child and loving it will never compensate for her empty space, and may add pain which is none of your business.

if you’re the first in your group to have CD a baby you may find it surprising just who is interested and who isn’t. It’s also a good idea to keep in mind others may not have shared their struggle at all.

Definitely via text, so I don't have to try and hide my feelings and 'be normal'. I want to be able to send a message of congratulations and then hide under the duvet

Definitely text message . I'm not a fan of big group announcements anyway it's not my thing at all but I'm surprised that you had to ask. Also like PPs have said please don't assume anything about her role in your baby's life. We had similar with very good friends and it's only now that our children are much older that we are getting our friendship back to where it was. No falling out or anything at all but they didn't really want to hear about baby or small child stuff.

I’d also think twice about a big announcement. You don’t know how many others in the group may be struggling or had losses. My husband and I never shared our struggles, we discussed it at length and agreed it was between us. Group announcements were like a knife to my heart, there was a phase where it felt like every ‘event’ someone was making an announcement, I ended up with really bad anxiety. We now have two beautiful children but there was never any guarantee we would.

Definitely a text message. Not what my friends did, I knew nothing until I just received a Facebook event invite to her baby shower

Text is fine. Try and do it when you know she'll be at home. I can't have children and I've had lovely sensitive announcements from friends and a really insensitive one. The sensitive ones are generally along the lines of

"hi, I have some news and I wanted to let you know before I tell everyone so that you're not caught off guard, I'm pregnant, due in December. Obviously we're excited but I know this news may make you emotional and so I wanted you to know first xx" then obviously I sat and cried (because I wanted it to be me, however still happy for them) then replied thank you for being so considerate and told them how happy I was for them.

Worst message I received after my 6th miscarriage (which friend.. now ex friend) knew about - "got a surprise! Had a little accident am pregnant again!" Announcing their third. Completely insensitive.

@Hunkydory99 yes every announcement was, and still is, a knife to the heart.

By text. Always by text. There are so many threads about this and the majority is always for a text to allow for a private reaction. I'm now pregnant through IVF and unfortunately may never lose the feeling that everyone else can just have their baby whenever they wanted, while we have to go through such heartbreak and trauma.

As an aside, I've never known any friend to make a public face to face announcement of pregnancy. It's always been by WhatsApp / text. Perhaps with us being a group of mixed ages we've always been sensitive to the fact that some may be happy for their friend, but sad for their own circumstances.

I would keep the group chat free of any baby talk so it doesn’t become a place where she feels excluded and uncomfortable and ends up leaving

Definitely text. I've had 2 incidents where I've found out in person and it was awful trying to congratulate someone whilst forcing myself not to cry. The first time was my ex SIL and I found out during a family meal. ExH had conveniently forgotten to tell me. Couldn't eat anything afterwards. Second time was after 15 years of infertility now on medication, had lost 4 stone in weight and with a new BF I fell Pregnant but miscarried xmas day. Someone I work with was Pregnant found out when she was sick. she told me not to worry cos I couldn't catch morning sickness. Another trying to congratulate someone whilst fighting back the tears. I did fall Pregnant again a few weeks later but again went onto miscarry.

Going against the grain here but I’d say not text or email. I still remember the pain I felt when my SIL did that that years ago (I’ve since been lucky enough to have children, against all odds). The kindest thing is in person but one to one.

As others have said, a text I feel is the best choice, before any ‘group announcements’ (which I personally cannot stand - what’s wrong with telling people individually)

Also please don’t assume to think your friend will want to be involved - unless you have experienced infertility you have really no idea of how she will be feeling. I went through years of announcements and while I was happy for my friends and family, I was absolutely crushed and heartbroken for myself.

There was a time when I could bear to be around friends with babies. Luckily IVF was successful in the end for me but I’ll never forget those feelings and it has made me very aware of others

I disagree with that. And I say that as the childless one in my friendship group. Children is a big part of peoples lives. Yes be sensitive, don't make every conversation about the baby, but I'd be horrified if my friends felt that they couldn't talk about their exciting time in front of me.

I have very good friends who I can get upset in front of about my infertility, and they can vent their frustrations to me about the difficulties they have being a parent, we support each other. How can friendship work if one half is on eggshells? Being sensitive to each other doesn't mean avoiding the conversation.

Would this be any good?

‘Hi X. Hope all is well with you. Recently found out I’m pregnant, due in xxxx. Haven’t told the others, yet, so will probably do it in the group. Look forward to seeing you when we next meet up. Lots of love’

I would also say privately text as then she doesn't have to fake a smiley face and can gather her thoughts before she sees you.

I've been infertile and had to go through vigorous IVF to get my DD.

I always hated people messaging me first, walking on eggshells around me, not telling me things and not involving me. That was the worst as it then in turn made me feel like I wasn't good enough for the group because nobody thought I could handle the news.

It's the opposite to me, I loved being involved, finding out the news at the same time as everybody else. People who struggle to conceive are going to have people in their life having babies. People going through divorce are going to be surrounded by married couples. Someone who has lost their job is going to be around people who have just got a new job or promotion. As awful as it is, life goes on.

Just tread carefully with your friend, you know her best and only you can know the best way to do this. But all I'm trying to say is eggshells and private messages isn't always the best way.

I think a lot of you have jumped on my honorary auntie comment, of course I do not expect it and don't expect her to take on her role because she can't have her own children. She is one of my oldest and closest friends, I'm not sure how to explain myself correctly. Of course I'd give her any space she needs.

As for the group announcement, does no-one else give big news when all their friends are together? It'd take weeks for me to meet up individually with everyone to tell them, and there's only about 6 of us in the group I want to tell in person! We've always tried to tell everyone at same time and it just happens we'll all be meeting up a few times between now and October

As for the group announcement, does no-one else give big news when all their friends are together?

No, it goes on our WhatsApp group. We’d celebrate in person together.

Text her so she can react in her own way. Congratulations

Yeah - but I do wonder whether the big group announcement could be problematic if there could be others with issues that have chosen not to share, and it might also put your friend in an awkward position feeling like she’s been tiptoed around. I know you shouldn’t have to pre-empt these things but big group announcements don’t always go as well as imagined. I’d consider telling everyone first and then just celebrate together in person. But you know your friends, so it’s your choice.

We told everyone we were expecting on an individual basis. However, there was a tragedy in our SIL’s family when we were in the early stages, so we took the decision to delay telling that side of the family (except DH’s parents) until 20 weeks, and handled it as sensitively as we could when the time came as we didn’t want to add to their pain and make them feel they had to put on a happy face.

It’s hard to know what to do in these situations but erring on the side of caution is likely to do the least harm. It doesn’t stop you from celebrating and being happy - it’s just how you share the news really.

I found out I couldn't have children and cried on my friends shoulder. My poor friend had just found out she was pregnant but not telling anyone. A few weeks later when she was about to tell people she had a discrete word with my husband who broke it too me kindly.