If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant?

[whatnextsteps]

As the title asks, would you prefer to be told privately or in group setting?

A year and a half ago my best friend was told she can't have children and going through early menopause due to medical reasons/procedures. I know she still has down days about this but tries to hide it from our friend group as she found a support group of women who have gone through or going through similar as her.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie but don't know whether to tell her privately before group announcement so she could deal with any emotions as I'm the first of our group to be having a baby.

TIA for your advise

No I’d text them all individually, or phone them. I don’t see why you need to meet up with your mates to tell them you’re preggers tbh. Especially given it’ll be a knife in the heart of one of your friends. In those circs I’d rather that next time we all meet up, everyone just already knew, so that it takes the stress out of it for her.

You must realise a group announcement is not great. Just tell her privately and let her process it.

No you really dont

You know her now - currently on a level playing field if none of you have kids yet - dynamics will change massively once her friends start getting pregnant. No matter how "together" she is at the moment when babies are just a theoretical possibility in the future is totally different to actually being faced with one and her feelings may change

Totally agree with your post @breatheintheamazing

It gets harder and harder as more friends have kids and you’re the only one left. I’ve found it’s now getting a bit easier as my friends’ children are older and able to be left so meet ups don’t always have to have kids there. It’s bloody hard.

I don't think it matters as such. If they tip toe around it it's embarrassing and makes it seem like more of a problem. It's going to bring up feelings whichever way

You don't need to do a group text at all. Just text/call whoever you care about knowing inidivudually. It can't be that many people.

To make it clear the meet up was not arranged for me to tell my friends, it was already arranged before I found out I'm pregnant.

Different groups do things different ways, my friends would prefer to be told in person over text.

Thank you for all who gave their experiences from both sides, I will have a good think on what way would work best for my friend and may use some suggestions on how to phrase it.

Not all ways to find out are equally upsetting h though. I don’t want to cry in front of my friends at what should be happy news. I’d rather do that at home and then plaster on a smile when I see them. That’s why getting a text (just facts) is usually what most women in the friends situation prefer.

Privately via text, so I could cry without you seeing it and then text you a joyful reply.

As someone who tried unsuccessfully for many years to have children then don’t assume anyone wants to be an honorary auntie . I couldn’t think of anything worse unless it was my siblings child but my way of dealing with not having children is to have as little to do with parents my age as possible as there’s not one of them who hasn’t made some tactless or smug comment to me over the years .

Privately.

Agreed, but equally don't feel like you can't share and celebrate the pregnancy milestones just because of your friend. You still deserve that.

The absolute worst way I've been told was a card FROM THE UNBORN BABY to me bestowing upon me the noble title of honorary auntie, a title to be given ONLY TO ME! Written in baby speak and covered in little doodles.

Needless to say that did not materialise, because I ended up breaking ties with baby's mum due to how she behaved during the pregnancy.

I agree with others - text in advance, don't over-egg the pudding, give her some space. Don't make cards and don't make overbearing assumptions about her ability to come to events - that's for her to determine. And if she doesn't feel up to being auntie, don't push it.

I wish we could apply this kind of tactfulness to work, though. 17 of my colleagues are pregnant at the moment, and three of them are doing weekly pregnancy work blogs. It's literally all anyone talks about and I'm running out of ways to pretend my 'zoom' function has failed.

@rainbowmilk that's awful

When I had fertility issues I got bloody offended when some people thought they had to tell me those kinds of things delicately. As if I had suddenly lost my ability to be happy for my friends and family. But then again several of them do find it hard to be happy when good things happen to us, so maybe they were just projecting.

I have never announced my pregnancy in a group. Wtf is that all about?! Trust me, as much as your friends will pretend it's the best news in the whole wide world, your pregnancy is only really important to you and your immediate family. I say that as someone who has had a baby. Calm the fuck down and just text your friends the news individually.

Also how do you know your other friends don't have any fertility issues? I have four friends that I know of go through fertility treatments and only one (funnily enough a man) would discuss it. One pretended she was having treatment for a tumour before she finally fell pregnant and said it was actually IVF; one had a baby via surrogacy and only shared it once baby was born; one was constantly talking about starting a family as soon as they got married but it's been over 10 years ans still no kids (I have never brought this up but ai assume there are problems). So many people can suffer in silence and find it embarrassing to share even with close friends.

@rainbowmilk a work blog as in your work is hosting this blog somehow? If yes, HR need told how inappropriate and insensitive that is!

HR signed off on it. They think it’s a positive thing for promoting equal treatment of the sexes in the workplace.

I wouldn't want to be singled out and treated differently, id rather be told as part of the big group.

When you were struggling with infertility, did you find pregnancy announcements hard? Not everyone does but it’s really, really common to.

Privately by text so she has a chance to process it before she sees you. The opportunity to get my 'game face' together was very much appreciated when I suffered with infertility and loss. Don't expect to much from her, some people want to be be involved, some don't, let her set the pace.

As others have said OP, if there's a baby shower down the line, don't be upset or offended if she doesn't go... baby showers are hell for us infertiles!

As for the group announcement, does no-one else give big news when all their friends are together?
Yes, but not if I was very aware it would be at the detriment to one of my friends. You know it could cause her pain but you want to do it anyway.

It'd take weeks for me to meet up individually with everyone to tell them, and there's only about 6 of us in the group I want to tell in person!
Why do you want to tell them in person so strongly? Why not over WhatsApp?

How dare you imply I want to cause my friend pain, did you even read my original post?

And I've explained a few times now that in my friends we tell each other big news in person whenever possible, I won't be addressing this again.