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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

If you're infertile how would you want friend to tell you they're pregnant?

132 replies

whatnextsteps · 27/05/2022 06:35

As the title asks, would you prefer to be told privately or in group setting?

A year and a half ago my best friend was told she can't have children and going through early menopause due to medical reasons/procedures. I know she still has down days about this but tries to hide it from our friend group as she found a support group of women who have gone through or going through similar as her.

I know she'll be happy for me and be an involved honorary auntie but don't know whether to tell her privately before group announcement so she could deal with any emotions as I'm the first of our group to be having a baby.

TIA for your advise

OP posts:
Original poster
whatnextsteps · 27/05/2022 07:24

@MrPlopper that's what I was thinking, tell her before group meet up and let her know I plan on announcing it to everyone then so she can decide if wants to come or not.

We have a few meet-ups already planned for the summer so she won't miss out on seeing everyone (luckily we've not spread too far apart and longest drive to another's place is an hour).

OP posts:
MrPlopper · 27/05/2022 07:25

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 06:53

I’m sorry but it isn’t. Im not saying that secondary infertility isn’t absolutely awful to deal with, but if you ask any person whether they’d rather have one child and be desperate for another or none at all, you’re only going to get one answer.

Please don’t make comments like this.

Show quote history

Absolutely agree.

I wish I could have another but I can't due to the issues described above. I could technically but it would be devastating for my health so we've accepted that as a 'cant' if that makes sense?

But this is absolutely nothing like the pain I felt when I believed I couldn't have DC at all. Nothing.

Secondary infertility is hard for sure but you do still have the one thing that others never will. I would never compare the two personally.

Helenahandkart · 27/05/2022 07:26

As everyone’s saying, by text.
I was always elated for my friends once I’d spent a few hours crying, but don’t be surprised if she hides you on Facebook to avoid the inevitable scan/bump photos, and maybe spends less time with you than before during the pregnancy/newborn stage.
It’s kind of you to consider this.

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 07:26

I'm on the fence about PPs suggesting you don't announce it in a group as you want to. Obviously for her it would probably be more comfortable and easier if you didn't, but I'm not sure other people should have to arrange themselves/ their pregnancies/announcements and whatever else around others feelings

The op has specifically asked how she can make it as easy as possible for the friend. That’s highly unlikely to be a group announcement which is why so many are saying to do it by text. Nobody is blindsided by a birth announcement. They tend to be expected after nine months of pregnancy. You also usually can anticipate being invited to a baby shower and decide how you’ll respond in advance. Those aren’t the same as being surprised by your friend telling you they’re pregnant either in person or worse, in front of other people. Many of us need time and privacy to be able to react in the manner that we want to.

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 27/05/2022 07:27

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 27/05/2022 07:21

Put yourself in her shoes...

I'm trying to which is why I'm asking for advise from people who have experienced that side of being told...

OP posts:
Eeksteek · 27/05/2022 07:30

ikeephavingmaddreams · 27/05/2022 06:36

Privately, via text, so I had a chance to compose myself and get my emotions straight before seeing you.

This. Don’t make me have to a) hold it together b) fake being only happy or c) have the additional stress of worrying that my natural reactions are spoiling you day.

Giraffesandbottoms · 27/05/2022 07:30

I personally think this is one of the times the voice note comes in handy. You can tell them yourself/kindly and tactfully via speech because things can be misconstrued via text, but they don’t need to reply straight away/at all.

MrPlopper · 27/05/2022 07:31

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 07:26

I'm on the fence about PPs suggesting you don't announce it in a group as you want to. Obviously for her it would probably be more comfortable and easier if you didn't, but I'm not sure other people should have to arrange themselves/ their pregnancies/announcements and whatever else around others feelings

The op has specifically asked how she can make it as easy as possible for the friend. That’s highly unlikely to be a group announcement which is why so many are saying to do it by text. Nobody is blindsided by a birth announcement. They tend to be expected after nine months of pregnancy. You also usually can anticipate being invited to a baby shower and decide how you’ll respond in advance. Those aren’t the same as being surprised by your friend telling you they’re pregnant either in person or worse, in front of other people. Many of us need time and privacy to be able to react in the manner that we want to.

If you read my full post my suggestion was that the friend was informed by text.

My point about the group announcement was a PP telling OP she shouldn't do that at all. I don't agree. If that's the way OP wants to inform her other friends then she should. Send this friend a text about the pregnancy so she knows beforehand and let her know you're planning to tell the others as a group and understand if she therefore doesn't want to come but no I don't think people should have to not do things like pregnancy announcements the way they want to.

As I also said, I had friends do this 'for me' and I hated it.

Giraffesandbottoms · 27/05/2022 07:34

I also think if you’re good friends you can just be honest about how you want to navigate this together and you will follow her lead re discussing it etc

FiveNineFive · 27/05/2022 07:37

Actually I'd be pissed off if my best friend told me by text. I'd want a phone call or a face to face conversation

MrPlopper · 27/05/2022 07:41

FiveNineFive · 27/05/2022 07:37

Actually I'd be pissed off if my best friend told me by text. I'd want a phone call or a face to face conversation

Everyone is different I guess. If it were face to face or over the phone I'd have felt unable to feel how I actually felt. I'd rather have taken time to feel what I needed, cry if necessary and then be more composed when I saw you face to face and able to be happy for you.

Ohrwurm · 27/05/2022 07:44

Every person is different but when I was going through it, I would've preferred a private message. Some would prefer a private phone call it face to face, that depends on your friend. Either way, please do it privately. And congratulations 🎉

Despinetta · 27/05/2022 07:44

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 06:43

Factual text message when you know she’ll be home. Don’t say you know she’ll find it hard or be upset etc. She’ll know you’re being considerate through the manner you’ve told her. Absolutely no scan photos, ever (unless she explicitly asks).

There add loads of threads on this and this is how the vast majority of people in your friend’s situation want to be told. It might seem cold or impersonal but it is actually much kinder.

This. I'd add don't make a big thing of the fact you're telling her privately.

Ohrwurm · 27/05/2022 07:45

Or face to face*

FiveNineFive · 27/05/2022 07:46

MrPlopper · 27/05/2022 07:41

Everyone is different I guess. If it were face to face or over the phone I'd have felt unable to feel how I actually felt. I'd rather have taken time to feel what I needed, cry if necessary and then be more composed when I saw you face to face and able to be happy for you.

Show quote history

I was happy for her in the moment and then went away and cried by myself afterwards

NoWigNoWit · 27/05/2022 07:47

Definitely privately op, I was thinking face to face would be better but actually I think a text and maybe a call a few hours later to check she’s ok and a meet for a cuppa and a hug?

Its so nice that she wants to be aunty, maybe you could get her a little card with some nice words in it - maybe about how she’ll be such a big part of your baby’s life?

…and congrats OP! x

Greenqueen40 · 27/05/2022 07:47

Bluueberrryy · 27/05/2022 06:48

Infertility is infertility. It's the same. It's all heartbreakingly awful Flowers

Show quote history

No it really isn't. You have a baby, they never will. Please don't make statements like this.

AbsolutelyLoveIy · 27/05/2022 07:48

Why do you need a group announcement, are you still at school? 😂

just tell her face to face and bear in mind some of your cheerleaders may have their own issues - not everybody is going to be jumping around.

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 07:48

Its so nice that she wants to be aunty, maybe you could get her a little card with some nice words in it - maybe about how she’ll be such a big part of your baby’s life?

Bloody hell, do not do this. The op can’t even know for sure that the friend wants this. Terrible, terrible idea.

Belledan1 · 27/05/2022 07:48

I agree too do it privately and not face to face. Also I agree second infertility is not the same. People should be grateful they have one child. I know I am after a very very long struggle.

Cyberworrier · 27/05/2022 07:49

Text message. And also give plenty of time/space for a response. I have found it difficult composing myself when I find out someone is pregnant in person, which obviously makes you feel really guilty on top of sad. Ive really appreciated texts from friends. Although one friend texted me to say she was pregnant and then asked to see me a day later and I found that a bit hard- it can take a few days to adjust to people's news I find.

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 07:50

Are you actually in the friend’s position?

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 27/05/2022 07:51

AbsolutelyLoveIy · 27/05/2022 07:48

Why do you need a group announcement, are you still at school? 😂

just tell her face to face and bear in mind some of your cheerleaders may have their own issues - not everybody is going to be jumping around.

Group announcement as that's how all big news is shared in our group, did you need to be rude with the school question?

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 07:52

PurpleDaisies · 27/05/2022 07:50

Are you actually in the friend’s position?

My quote disappeared. This is for @NoWigNoWit

Original poster
whatnextsteps · 27/05/2022 07:53

What do you mean @PurpleDaisies? No I don't have fertility issues which is why I wanted advise

OP posts: