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Original poster

Coercive control

124 replies

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:32

Hi,
My manager mentioned coercive control to me at work the other day and I just can't shake the feeling that's what I am experiencing in. Can anyone advise or help?
I feel my partner maybe using tactics to control me.
I never go out with my friends on nights out. I have coffees with friends during the day or play dates but I don't go out drinking with the girls. I guess as I reflect on it, I know he will be grumpy in the days leading up to it and then the days afterwards. He then creates arguments with me too. It makes me not want to go out.
I am going to a hen do soon for three nights. I want to go as some uni mates are going and I haven't seen them for about 15 years. Be strange but good to go. We are going to Dublin. My parents have decided to go on holiday for a week then too with the kids but a different part of Ireland. I have decided to extend my stay whilst over there and spend a night with the children and my parents before flying back mid week. They are then going to stay longer in Ireland and I will fly back. Perfect for the jubilee bank hol weekend being kiddy free (they're my kids not my partner's kids). We will be kiddy free for four nights. Amazing!
My partner does not seem happy for me at all. He has sulked since I told him and won't really talk to me. He doesn't want sex with me and says I am too tired. When I suggested not going the other day he was all loved up and happy but then when I made my mind up he returned to looking annoyed and distant (not making conversation, not hugging, no affection and no sex with lots of excuses).
He went on a stag do for two nights the other month and that was all fine. He didn't get in touch once whilst he was away. I didn't mind at all.
This morning he asked if we have plans bank holiday weekend and I said no, isn't that great, we are kiddy free. He said well I think I am going to take the opportunity to meet up with some mates and go out. I said so you don't have plans, but you're going to make some. He said yes.
I know him, and I know that if this hen do wasn't happening and I wasn't joining my parents for one night before flying back, he wouldn't make these plans. He never goes out or sees his mates. I am glad he is going out and doing things, just the timing seems "off" when we are kiddy free which is so rare especially on a weekend!?
He had an affair two years ago with a work colleague. He was nasty until I found out. I have tried to forgive him, but I feel he is going down a nasty path again....
Sorry to ramble. I just come away from speaking with him feeling awful and deflated....

OP posts:
HollowTalk · 26/05/2022 07:34

Can you tell us where you are with him? He sounds horrible! He's not the father of your children. He's been unfaithful. He's been horrible to you. He hates you having your own life. What does he add to your life?

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:35

I get really confused when I speak with him, like I am being unreasonable.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:36

He got annoyed this week for a few things:
I didn't tell him I had ordered my GHIC card for going abroad as my old one was out of date
I ordered a bank card and opened up an account for my 12 year old daughter and didn't tell him until the card and pin came through

OP posts:
UnsuitableHat · 26/05/2022 07:36

That does sound controlling to me, and he doesn’t sound great. Without meaning to be all ‘ltb’, what are you getting out of this that makes it worth carrying on?

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:37

He asked me to check my passport a few times in April and I didn't as I felt he was speaking to me like a child, so I sorted it when he was away with work in London. He was annoyed I did it when he was away

OP posts:
scaredorganicyoghurt · 26/05/2022 07:37

If nothing else, he is trying to kill your spirit. I'm glad you wrote here, because it sounds like you already know that how you're being treated isn't right, and I expect a lot of women to show up and tell you the same.

The extra info about him being nasty to you while he was having an affair until you found out about it is quite the red flag too.

Try reading "why does he do that" by Lundy Bancroft, it will give you insight into him. I hope you find the strength to leave him. You don't need to be chained to him for life, walking on eggshells so that he treats you like a normal human being.

Flatandhappy · 26/05/2022 07:37

Sorry but yes, this is classic coercive control. It is horrible when it slowly dawns on you that you have become a victim, you now need to work out what to do about it. I say this from a professional perspective btw, it is one of the most difficult forms of abuse to deal with.

VioletHills · 26/05/2022 07:37

You know it isn't normal behaviour OP. Do not feel guilty about going away when he does it. I would really be thinking of leaving him for good. You only get one life.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:37

He is so nice tk the outside world

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:38

When I say I am going away he gets all funny but he travels with work once a month.
If I say I am going away and his mates are they he says YES!!! More fifa and ps4 time!! And no nagging and they all laugh

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:39

The children walk on eggshells too. They don't like him. He has so many rules.
The outside world do not see him like this. To them he is so kind, thoughtful and considerate

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:39

And he can be those things too

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:40

He saves his nasty side for me. I actually recorded our conversation this morning so I could play it back to hear his tone as I feel I am losing my mind

OP posts:
LakieLady · 26/05/2022 07:40

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:35

I get really confused when I speak with him, like I am being unreasonable.

That's because he's gaslighting you.

Sorry.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:40

I feel I am making things up in my head. It makes me feel confused.

OP posts:
CrystalCoco · 26/05/2022 07:41

Oh my goodness this sounds like my Ex!

The moods before and after very very rare nights out were horrific - so manipulative as it often felt like too much hassle to even bother going out, exactly what he would have liked.

Ex landed up having an affair too, all the things he was accusing me of, he was actually doing.

Run, as far and as fast as you can, he'll Never change!!

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:41

Please don't apologise. I have come on here for the truth. I need it. I need a good talking to lol

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:42

I went to the bathroom the other morning with my Apple Watch on. I starting plucking my eyebrows... en-suite door was closed.... I came out and he looked moody. I went back in with the door open and did my make up. He randomly came back upstairs and glanced in.
The next day he asked what I was doing in the bathroom as he could see I was on Facebook when I had shut the door. I told him what I was doing and he said I think you were on your watch messaging people. I said no.

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:43

CrystalCoco · 26/05/2022 07:41

Oh my goodness this sounds like my Ex!

The moods before and after very very rare nights out were horrific - so manipulative as it often felt like too much hassle to even bother going out, exactly what he would have liked.

Ex landed up having an affair too, all the things he was accusing me of, he was actually doing.

Run, as far and as fast as you can, he'll Never change!!

I am sorry sorry to hear you have experienced this.
How was your ex when you left? Nasty with you?
We have a house together. So it makes things tricky

OP posts:
RocketsMagnificent7 · 26/05/2022 07:44

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:39

The children walk on eggshells too. They don't like him. He has so many rules.
The outside world do not see him like this. To them he is so kind, thoughtful and considerate

For them, as well as yourself you have to leave. They are growing up thinking this is how a relationship should be. Show them better. Show them what a strong, independent woman looks like and get you all the hell out of there.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:44

He said he saw body spray in my laptop bag and I said ok. He said who is that for? I said for me in case I feel like I smell for work etc. he said how do I know that you might use it after having sex with someone in your car... I felt like saying oh is that because that's what you did two years ago???

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:46

He also said the other day have I ever reflected on the fact that my last two relationships have broken down - the kids dad (the one that has recently cut my children off out of his own choice) and my ex after that who I was with for five years that dragged my son on the landing and was obsessed with me so I could never go out then either

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:47

He said my behaviour with the passport, body spray, sneaking in the bathroom, taking my car for a service and not telling him, going to Asda after work etc is all secretive and probably led my ex not to trust me and my ex husband (kids dad) not to want anything to do with the kids because of me

OP posts:
Hoppinggreen · 26/05/2022 07:48

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:35

I get really confused when I speak with him, like I am being unreasonable.

You aren’t, dump him

girlmom21 · 26/05/2022 07:49

Does he have a single redeeming feature?