Coercive control

[mummybear1994]

Hi,
My manager mentioned coercive control to me at work the other day and I just can't shake the feeling that's what I am experiencing in. Can anyone advise or help?
I feel my partner maybe using tactics to control me.
I never go out with my friends on nights out. I have coffees with friends during the day or play dates but I don't go out drinking with the girls. I guess as I reflect on it, I know he will be grumpy in the days leading up to it and then the days afterwards. He then creates arguments with me too. It makes me not want to go out.
I am going to a hen do soon for three nights. I want to go as some uni mates are going and I haven't seen them for about 15 years. Be strange but good to go. We are going to Dublin. My parents have decided to go on holiday for a week then too with the kids but a different part of Ireland. I have decided to extend my stay whilst over there and spend a night with the children and my parents before flying back mid week. They are then going to stay longer in Ireland and I will fly back. Perfect for the jubilee bank hol weekend being kiddy free (they're my kids not my partner's kids). We will be kiddy free for four nights. Amazing!
My partner does not seem happy for me at all. He has sulked since I told him and won't really talk to me. He doesn't want sex with me and says I am too tired. When I suggested not going the other day he was all loved up and happy but then when I made my mind up he returned to looking annoyed and distant (not making conversation, not hugging, no affection and no sex with lots of excuses).
He went on a stag do for two nights the other month and that was all fine. He didn't get in touch once whilst he was away. I didn't mind at all.
This morning he asked if we have plans bank holiday weekend and I said no, isn't that great, we are kiddy free. He said well I think I am going to take the opportunity to meet up with some mates and go out. I said so you don't have plans, but you're going to make some. He said yes.
I know him, and I know that if this hen do wasn't happening and I wasn't joining my parents for one night before flying back, he wouldn't make these plans. He never goes out or sees his mates. I am glad he is going out and doing things, just the timing seems "off" when we are kiddy free which is so rare especially on a weekend!?
He had an affair two years ago with a work colleague. He was nasty until I found out. I have tried to forgive him, but I feel he is going down a nasty path again....
Sorry to ramble. I just come away from speaking with him feeling awful and deflated....

I’m really glad you realised how awful he is and can move on.

Well done OP.

Imagine what freedom will feel like.

So sorry this is happening to you and as many others have said - you are not insane. He is coercively controlling. This kind of obsessive micro-managing deprives you of your right to be an automonous individual - it is soul killing. You don't have freedom of movement, freedom of association, freedom of speech - you are having your fundamental human rights denied. Get out now.

You might find this helpful: www.safeireland.ie/wp-content/uploads/Safe-Ireland-Coercive-Control-Leaflet.pdf

I just feel that to some extent he is right my relationships haven't work and I am almost 40!

He has children from a previous relationship (or relationships) - why didn't that/they work? Did you ask him?

So if you were to say to him,,, 'I'm going to a dance class with friends every Thursday at 7.30PM' how would he react? if he reacts badly he's a nasty controlling bastard.

They always are. That’s how they get away with it.
I hope you will get away from him, for your kids even more than for yourself. I think you know you need to.

There is no redeeming feature, not one, that could make up for all these bad things.

Get your kids out of this situation.

You deserve better, OP, take care of yourself.

Yep I've been in exactly this place as well. You need to get out, you really do.

You are not insane your are in an emotionally abusive controlling relationship. You need to leave for you and your children. My dd is also in a similar relationship I hope she sees sense and leaves soon

I think that maybe one reason why some women get stuck with a series of.men like that is that even at the love bombing stage they are looking out for tiny signs that you r boundaries arena bit weak, and as they peck away at those boundaries they find out what they can get away with and if they think they can't get away with what they want to ultimately get away with they will move on to someone else. They probably have a prefilerting system to save time, if they know you have had abusive relationships in the past they know that it's worth a try and can move quicker as they will know that probably they can push your boundaries quicker
And as someone else said listen to how he treats others, listen to the dig, wish I'd done that. People afterwards said they didn't trust him but that was a bit late. So maybe a lesson for us all to let people kñoe if we pick up on something. Easier said than done mind. But looking back at the women whose partners I've thought God knows what she sees in him have ended up either with her leaving him cos of his behaviour or he has left for someone else and behaved like an arse to her afterwards
Maybe phrasing it not an attack in her choice but how it makes you feel, eg I didn't like the way he spoke to me, how he just treated the children really upset me, I'm worried that he is stopping you going out sort of thing to open up dialogue

Thank you everyone. I think the last post is particularly true. I was vulnerable when I met him after being through abuse before, so I was weak and I just wanted a relationship to work to I let things go:his moodiness when he didn’t get his own way, changing a name of an ex on his phone and then saying he didn’t know how or why that had happened, texting his ex whilst we were in the first year of our relationship and I was going through a miscarriage. I just let all these things go because I do desperately wanted a relationship to work and thought the issue was me.
I let my fella drop me off yesterday. He cried as I left him in the car. I almost didn’t go and even turned Round in the airport twice as I was upset and sad myself to see him that way. We texted yesterday and then his texts stopped at lunchtime out of the blue. I haven’t heard from him since. I couldn’t sleep last night with worry about what I have done now and why he won’t get in touch. Why do I feel this way when on the other hand I am so upset with him?
i am so confused.

He is playing you like a fiddle, can you not see that going away for a few days with female friends is healthy, normal & not worthy if him CRYING.
The silence now us more manipulative abuse. Leaving you second guessing, worrying & thinking about HIM rather than enjoying your precious break.
He doesn't want you going away, enjoying yourself, possibly talking through your relationship with sane 3rd parties.
One if the classic symptoms in the abuse text book, is trying to isolate you from family & friends.
If he can stop you from enjoying your break, you will learn that its not worth the agro, & stop doing it the next time.
He wants you back in your box
This is not someone who loves you, this is someone who wants to dominate & use you fir his own benefit.
Your relationship consists of appeasing, egg shells, following his rules & generally having your character wrung out if you.
Stop looking at your phone, turn it off.

Thank you for your honest post. I needed that.
I worry he is rummaging through the stuff in the house and the car looking for things. Anything to get at me.
I am away with my parents and kids rather than the girls. I couldn’t face seeing the girls like this and asked my parents to pick me up and staying on holiday with them for a few nights.
I feel so sad. My throat feels sore from upset.
I didn’t message him this morning saying I hoped to hear from him, but nothing back at all and he always wakes up early. He’s not been on Facebook or WhatsApp yet but he was last night. He said he would message when he could and that he would leave me to enjoy my night out etc, but like you say it’s like his way of upsetting me so I don’t enjoy my time away and he knows that.

Hide your passport, well before it's time for you to travel.

He sounds awful, well done for standing up to him.

This is something I copied off another thread a long time ago.
It certainly is the case for me.

It is, in the end, just a case of being walking wounded for years and years on end. You're slowly bleeding out 24/7, and yes you regenerate as you go, but nothing fully heals because you are never quite allowed to focus on yourself.

Can you see how you are marching to his tune? Many posters advised you to make your own way to the airport but you ignored that. By letting him drive you and bring you down en route to the airport exactly as you predicted he would you have played right into his hand.

You then chose to cancel your much anticipated time with your friends again, playing into his hand.

Now you are glued to your phone awaiting validation from the one person in your life guaranteed to make you feel bad. Why would you do that??

It is good that you are waking up to the reality of your situation, but it will continue exactly as it is unless you change it. He will not change.

Do you see also how your choices are negatively impacting those around you? Your children, your friends, your parents.

While your partner is undoubtedly a prick of the highest order, you do need to take responsibility for your choices. You have dragged your children into this nightmare and it is you who must get them out.

Be aware that standing up to him is different to confronting him about his behaviour. He will not acknowledge his abuse. In all likelihood he will step it up.

The smartest thing you can do is start making a plan to get you and your children out of that hell.

Him being nice on occasion is no reason to endure this half life.

This is so very true. I feel absolutely drained of my soul and life. I struggle to focus on me and the kids because I bleed myself dry trying to please him, only to find it is never enough. Sounds like he had a good day with his son yesterday but have no idea after 2pm what he has done as he stopped all contact suddenly yesterday at that time. Not saying have a great time tonight, or how's it going, or to say will leave you be now to enjoy yourself will speak tomorrow etc. like I feel a normal loving relationship would allow for.

If I had received a message from him saying he was worried as I hadn't been in touch, I would have text or called him first thing this morning to put his mind at rest, as that's what loved ones do for each other.
He has been on social media so I know he is awake and online but he is making it very clear he doesn't want to be in touch with me. I find it so cruel that he knowingly would ruin my time away like this. Why would someone do that? He knows me. He knows how upset I get and yet he is doing it.
I just feel so tearful. I feel the tears he cried were selfish ones yesterday that he can't control me and he has lost me. He said he doesn't trust me and can't trust me. But told me to go yesterday morning. I felt crushed to the core on a trip that should have been fun and exciting, I felt so sad.
He travels away and goes on stag dos and I never behave like this. He said he work trips are different as he has to go away even if some are social visits and his stag dos are more planned than this one and his parents aren't also going to be in the same area at the same time....
I feel crushed!!

OP, this would do it for me!
You realise his behaviour is UR with you, but your kids?

You need to sort this abs get some help to leave now!

I’m so sorry your going through this.

I wanted so very bad to make my own way there but he said why? Is there someone else you're meeting? Are you going to the airport? The buses didn't run at that time and he said a taxi was a waste of our money.
He was fine until he said goodbye to me. He was ok in texts until lunch time then it all stopped.

I get what you are saying that I need to let go and move on and some days I have that clarity and I hate him for his is doing and has done and then other times I get all confused.

I have been gaslighted for so long and in abusive relationships for so long, I know things don't feel right but I don't know what is meant to feel normal and I feel numb.

I don't mean to play into his hands and I know that's exactly what I am doing but I can't help myself. It's like that old saying treat them mean keep them keen. I don't think I know what nice is anymore.

I know I need to pull myself together and put on a brave face and smile for the kids today. Go to the beach, the sun is shining and have some fun. Maybe over the next few days, I will get used to no contact with him and actually realise I don't miss him, I miss what once was, or perhaps more what I hoped what we would be.

OP please block him temporarily while yr away ti give yourself headspace. I had exactly this years ago... the crying at dropping me off at airport. Agree he's playing you so you'll be riddled with anxiety and won't enjoy yr time away.
Don't engage with him.

Thank you. I won't try and contact him anymore. He's made his feelings clear that he doesn't want to contact me no matter how worried I am or how upset I might be.
I will go back later this week to goodness knows what. Maybe locks changed and an empty house...

I feel so sorry for you. This is not a healthy relationship at all. He is being controlling and emotionally/mentally abusive. I really hope that you don't waste your whole life with him. Imagine what a lovely life you'll have without him. You'd be free. I'd tell everyone about his affair, keeping secrets aren't good for the soul. I wish you all the best.

Sorry but you are being your own worst enemy here. You have had lots of good advice and yet YOU are worrying about HIM!
Just stop it.

So he’s “good at teaching his own kids to drive their cars”
You’re really clutching at straws here.
He might have some actual good points but with all those bad points, the good ones are completely meaningless.

Leave him and stay single for a few years. You will love it. Imaging being able to do whatever you like, see whoever you want to, go wherever you want to go!

Hey OP, I have read your updates and just wanted to send love and good wishes. The hardest part is realising you are in a controlling relationship and coming to the decision to leave for you and your children's sake. You have done that now, so just focus on what you need to do and don't be swayed by the love bombing that is about to come your way. They promise they will change, they never do. And once they realise you are gaining some power back, they often get worse.

Keep your head up and look forward, I hope everything works out for you and also hope you enjoy your time away.