Coercive control

[mummybear1994]

Hi,
My manager mentioned coercive control to me at work the other day and I just can't shake the feeling that's what I am experiencing in. Can anyone advise or help?
I feel my partner maybe using tactics to control me.
I never go out with my friends on nights out. I have coffees with friends during the day or play dates but I don't go out drinking with the girls. I guess as I reflect on it, I know he will be grumpy in the days leading up to it and then the days afterwards. He then creates arguments with me too. It makes me not want to go out.
I am going to a hen do soon for three nights. I want to go as some uni mates are going and I haven't seen them for about 15 years. Be strange but good to go. We are going to Dublin. My parents have decided to go on holiday for a week then too with the kids but a different part of Ireland. I have decided to extend my stay whilst over there and spend a night with the children and my parents before flying back mid week. They are then going to stay longer in Ireland and I will fly back. Perfect for the jubilee bank hol weekend being kiddy free (they're my kids not my partner's kids). We will be kiddy free for four nights. Amazing!
My partner does not seem happy for me at all. He has sulked since I told him and won't really talk to me. He doesn't want sex with me and says I am too tired. When I suggested not going the other day he was all loved up and happy but then when I made my mind up he returned to looking annoyed and distant (not making conversation, not hugging, no affection and no sex with lots of excuses).
He went on a stag do for two nights the other month and that was all fine. He didn't get in touch once whilst he was away. I didn't mind at all.
This morning he asked if we have plans bank holiday weekend and I said no, isn't that great, we are kiddy free. He said well I think I am going to take the opportunity to meet up with some mates and go out. I said so you don't have plans, but you're going to make some. He said yes.
I know him, and I know that if this hen do wasn't happening and I wasn't joining my parents for one night before flying back, he wouldn't make these plans. He never goes out or sees his mates. I am glad he is going out and doing things, just the timing seems "off" when we are kiddy free which is so rare especially on a weekend!?
He had an affair two years ago with a work colleague. He was nasty until I found out. I have tried to forgive him, but I feel he is going down a nasty path again....
Sorry to ramble. I just come away from speaking with him feeling awful and deflated....

I would agree that this is increasing coercive control and I also agree with a pp that since you've booked hols against his wishes your passport will go walkies next. Give it to a friend now and watch out for his reactions when he can't find it.

Biggest thing for me is how he treats your dc and that clearly don't like him. Joint house holding can be got out of. Costly but freedom is worth it. Go see a solicitor and get rid. If I were you I would use his rare going out as a chance to get all my important stuff out of the house and start a split. Can you stay with your parents? Could they take spare keys- if you don't already have them- on holiday & slip them to you?

When we got together I was warned about him being a player but I thought he had grown up since then.

Ok so you have ignored a red flag here. You should think about why you do that. Good idea about the Freedom Programme. This man has a reputation, has proved that reputation and you know he's not a good one. I think take some responsibility for making choices when you know deep down they are not good one.

Poor kids. That's not fair on them.

The children walk on eggshells too. They don't like him. He has so many rules.

This is enough.

Leave him. Stand up for yourself and your children

Speak to your parents when you are away and ask for their help

I missed the part about your daughter. Come on, now your dd is dragged into this. Make better choices, you are the role model. She shouldn't be burdened with this. He isn't her father, you can easily remove him from their lives.

I know it’s easy for us to say, but for the love of God, and for your own children, just leave. Concentrate on the kids and yourself for a while and don’t let any Mann dictate to you or your children ever again. You and especially your children deserve so much better.

You're in an abusive and controlling relationship.

There is something about you. But that something is that for whatever reason, you are drawn to abusive men. Usually this is due to abuse or neglect or other family-based trauma in childhood. Does this apply?

Therapy, or something like the Freedom Programme, can help you start getting a handle on this. But it doesn't make the difficulties you are having with your relationships 'your fault' or something you have to handle differently to make it work. They are doomed from the outset because of the fundamental choice of partner - they are BAD MEN. You can't make a good relationship with a bad man, no matter how you handled it.

You have to leave this man, for your kids. Then don't get into another relationship until (a) they've left home and (b) you've had some sort of therapy or learning to understand how your past is influencing your choice of partner and you've raised your standards and learned to assert your boundaries. Even then, if you enter a relationship with someone who seems respectful and decent, DON'T MOVE IN or let them move in with you, don't combine finances or lend them money or put yourself at their mercy in any way, not for years, not until you're sure.

I'd also explore what options there are for your kids via their schools for some counselling/MH support - they've been living with abuse, it sounds like they have been victims too. They will need some help to process all that. First step though will be seeing you stand up for them and show them this isn't right, that it isn't what they deserve, and that you won't stand by and watch it to make your own life easier.

Oh and another thing: DON'T let him drive you to the airport. SO much potential for him to fuck with you there. Even if it is just to make an atmosphere and send you off feeling bad and upset, spoiling your trip. More likely he'll suddenly be 'unavailable' (sick/hungover) at 4.30, leaving you likely to miss your flight; or he'll 'take a short cut' that makes you late; or the car will mysteriously 'break down'.

Just book a taxi; tell him breezily you don't want him having to get up so early and brush off any nonsense. You work so you have money to spend on a taxi; if he moans that it's a waste of money, just remind him it's your money to waste. How he reacts to being sidelined and stood up to will tell you a lot. Or if you're scared of his reaction, don't tell him - book the taxi for earlier than you need, get up before him and be gone when he wakes up - leave a note framing it as 'doing him a favour'.

I think you would be better off not dating for a while. Your kids have had to live with 2 abusive partners in addition to their dad who's cut off contact. They'd be better off with just you. It's not fair on them to prioritise not being single over their welfare

I agree with previous posters' advice advice about protecting your passport and making independent travel arrangements to the airport.

What is your housing situation? Can you tell him to leave?

I suggest you tell people what he is like behind closed doors. Though it seems at least your manager has got the measure of him! Other people have probably worked it out too.

My ex liked using the fact that I had other failed (abusive) relationships as a sign that I was bad at relationships too. That I was faulty in some way. I did have a fault, a faulty warning system around abusive arseholes! Everyone else knew they were bad eggs, but me? I let them treat me like crap for a of years just to be sure! And then I would end it once I realised there was no fixing a relationship when the primary problem is the person I'm in it with.

Am I bad at relationships? I don't really know. My 3 main ones have been with abusive men. So I don't really know what a healthy relationship is or if I've ever really been in love (not love bombing, infatuation, FOG, trauma bonding, etc.) what I thought was chivalry was really coercive control. What I through was dating was love bombing. What I though was commitment, was FOG (fear, obligation, guilt). What I thought was a deep connection was trauma bonding. I thought I'd found a kindred sprit, when really they were mirroring back to me who I wanted them to be.

I haven't had a new relationship since, but I have educated myself so much on this stuff and I now know my fault was not in ending these relationships, it was letting them fresh on so long. It was in continuing the relationship due to the sunken cost fallacy, and not running at the first flap of a red flag. Hell, I walked straight past the red flag bunting right into another abusive relationship because it was familiar to me. I actually thought that the fact my ex wanted to have me all to myself meant be loved me more.

Now my biggest thing is to trust other people's warning systems about prospective partners. If my kids don't like someone, or my friends don't or my mum doesn't, or dogs don't like them, or they are rude to the waiter, it doesn't matter how frigging lovely they are to me in those early days. It doesn't matter how many redeeming characteristics they have. My warning system around abusers is faulty, but everyone else's isn't.

Sorry, the long way round to my point there but, my general point is that if your boss can see it, if your kids don't like him, if even your warning system is telling you he's a bad guy, then LTB. Maybe not immediately but start making an exit plan because this will not get better. He's shown you his true colours and you and your kids deserve so, so much more than this

He cheated. But he is the one who is suspicious and offensive, accusing you of cheating.

That's all I need to hear. Although the rest is awful.

What are your plans to end this?

Are you sure he isn't having another affair and projecting this onto you with all the accusations and hidden innuendos. My OH tried the moody before and after and the arguments so I didn't want to go out. He soon changed his behaviour when he realised I was going out more and he asked me why, I just explained I didn't want to be at home for days watching him sulk so I might as well go back out again! This did work in my case however you have far more red flags that whilst I am not one to say leave I feel in this situation it is quite justified. Think of how your poor kids feel having to walk round on eggshells in their own home! If not for you do you want your kids thinking this is normal in a relationship?

Don't you deserve better than that? He sounds horrible.

The starting an argument before you are going somewhere is classic,, if you stay with him you will end up never going out because you don't want the argument. And then when you have to go the argument will be worse, he will sabotage it if it is something important at worst and leave you blotchy and miserable so you can't enjoy it or take part happily in it

The having periods of being nice is classic too, it puts you on your guard so you start thinking maybe it's not so bad, and thennwhoomp when your guard is down it happens again. It's a way if retaining control. It also keeps up the facade of being nice to the outside world.
The monitoring if you checking Facebook while in the bathroom, not only control but projection, he does it, he has affairs it chases after other women, if he accuses you of doing it itbwill take the spot light off his activities either now or in the past or future.
I'd second the idea do not agree to him taking you to the airport. Almost certainly it will end badly, at best he will start the argument and you'll start your break upset. At worst he will wake up to a flat tyre, he will run out if petrol, take the wring route, wake up feeling ill and suddenly before you need to go it will get too bad to drive. Book a taxi or ask a female friend if she could take you or go the night before on public transport if possible. And yes keep your passport incredibly safe, do you have somewhere he would not think If looking, and all your bank cards, and cash so you can get out of any situation that would be very hard to get out of without money.
Nowadays flights and flight trackers are lookup able online, he will be able to see where you are. Also dies he have location tracking in you, will he try and say that you were in such and such bar it restaurant or hotel and were cheating. Take photos with your children or parents if this is a possibility, not that you should have to but so that if he does kick off you have proof
I may be wrong but that is what you are heading towards.but if you do nothing else don't rely in him for travel.
When you are ready to confront the chesting and leave, check out chumplady, she has a book and a website and forum. Most people in there have had experience of Chester's also being abusive and coercively controlling the 2/go together very often

I am so sorry to read this. I am glad to see that you have realised that it wasn't you.
However, it must be so hard to live with a continuous guard up all the time.
I can sense that I will be like this as well when I feel ready.
As others have said I won't date for a long time now. I have had enough.
I don't need a man to make me happy, in fact it's been quite the opposite. I do all the housework and chores anyway as well as work full time, do the school runs, cook, clean, wash, iron, Hoover. He does the bin, recycling and dishwasher. He doesn't know about the childrens school events and activities as I sort all those. He doesn't seem interested. But when I set my 12 year old up with a bank account and bank card (after she had her £5 cash stolen at school), he seemed to get very annoyed with me for "hiding" it from him. I simply didn't think it was of interest to him.
I feel lost. I need to get finances in order. The trip away to Ireland is just what I need.
I feel he has dumped this about arranging a night out when we are kiddy free on me to upset me and throw me off. I need to show I don't care. I need to get out and leave him.
Thank you everyone for taking the time to write to me and read my posts and give me your advice.
I have had moments when I feel the world will be better off without me, but then I see my children and realise that they would be devastated-a father that has written to them via solicitor to say he doesn't want to see them ever again and a mother who is dead. I realise that I am happy and can make myself happy and I don't need him or a man to do that. Maybe there is someone out there for me, but I don't need anyone else in our lives for a long time.
Need to make the children and me happy first and if that means having no home and no luxuries, then so be it.

Op sadly you are in an abusive relationship.. You can't see it but every single poster on here can. Imagine not having to live on eggshells. Imagine just hearing your dc having fun and just living a stress free life. My exh was similar.. Every occasion that wasn't about him was huffing and moods. He ruined my 40th.
He was an exh before I was 41..
Can't believe I lived like that for so long. You have no ties to him op. Makes it much easier. I text my exh to be gone before I was home from work. He was. Never set eyes on him since the night I dumped him. Been 10 years!

This, you are their mother first and making bad choices about who is in their lives. They have no say and it's really not right that they are forced into such a situation. Do the right thing and get rid off this guy.

What I can take from this is that you all do think he is being controlling and gaslighting. I am not going insane?
I am not going to date for a very long time. My focus will be on my children to give them a sound upbringing with love, kindness and thoughtfulness. Just me and them and support from my parents. It's not going to be easy, but we will get there.
I feel so sad that I have spent almost 15 years trying to find someone to have a decent relationship and clearly I can put up with a lot of rubbish. These guys just always seem so nice, kind, loving, they are professionals with really good jobs. They say that they have liked me for ages. Everything always goes wrong the moment that we buy a house together.

Being single for the next 9 years will probably do me good. I say 9 years as my youngest will soon be 10. That gets them through their childhood years with just me and good friends and family. Without all this stress at home, walking on eggshells, hiding in their rooms...rolling their eyes at me when they know "HE" is in a mood. It stops my partner sniggering and mocking my children on his own or with his son. Don't get me wrong his children are lovely, but they go with their Dad - they know not to go against him. He talks behind his daughters back to his son about how she doesn't do what he wants her to do. As she is getting older, she doesn't want to be controlled by him. She doesn't stay or see her Dad very much. He offers to take her to town for. coffee but she doesn't want to go. Tbh I don't think she knows what she would talk to him about anyway. His son often plays football and pool with him or watching F1 or football with him. His daughter has nothing in common with her dad and he doesn't try to support that. She will come into town with me and my daughter for a coffee though. It's really strange.
Argh the more I think about it and write this down, the more I realise how bad things are.
My son didn't want his haircut by my partner's mate the other day and my partner went mad with me and my son. My son had been complaining that his mate catches his ears when he cuts his hair and that he never talks to him. My son likes to go to the local barber that I sometimes take him to. I didn't want to upset my partner so didn't say anything. My son said he wanted a different haircut and that he was happy to give my partner's mate a try and so my partner booked himself, his son and my son for a haircut at our house. That morning my son got a tight feeling in his chest about it and so I told my fella that he wouldn't be having it done and we would do it another day. He said, well see how he feels later. I said ok.
Well, later when his mate came round, my son didn't want to have his haircut so I told my fella. My fella said I shouldn't give into him and that we had wasted his mate's time even if it is £10 for 10 mins. I said I understood that and would feel different if his mate had come all the way out for my son, but that he was getting £30 for two haircuts anyway. Needless to say, I was in the doghouse about that....

Yes, he is a gasloghting abusive POS. No, you are not insane. Plan your escape and live happily with your kids.

You're not insane.

He's a nasty bully. Ditch him.

He’s already cheated on you so will do so again.
Your kids are forced to live with him despite them telling you they are unhappy.

Those two things alone should tell you that this needs to end now, let alone the emotional manipulation and control.

If you don’t feel able to love yourself a little bit more and do it for you, please find the strength for your children.

Personally I'd end it because of the cheating. Tell him you cant trust him. Doesn't matter that it was ages ago.

Better than getting into a debate about moods or arguments or anything he can try and gaslight you about or promise to change.

god it's like reading my former life. i am lucky and i escaped.
the analogy that someone said to me was how to boil a frog. as in you put it in cold water and then turn the heat up gradually (i.e. coercive control is often quiet, non shouty)
makes me shudder reading what you're going through.

i had to lie to spend time with my children alone without him. he still petrifies me now and i will never see him again but i'm still scared.
can you leave him? i was on such high alert (without realising it - i thought it was my anxiety that was making me feel out of sorts). can you start moving important paperwork/passport/etc so that you know it's safe and out of his clutches.
really good luck. and message me if you want?