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AIBU?

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Original poster

Coercive control

124 replies

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:32

Hi,
My manager mentioned coercive control to me at work the other day and I just can't shake the feeling that's what I am experiencing in. Can anyone advise or help?
I feel my partner maybe using tactics to control me.
I never go out with my friends on nights out. I have coffees with friends during the day or play dates but I don't go out drinking with the girls. I guess as I reflect on it, I know he will be grumpy in the days leading up to it and then the days afterwards. He then creates arguments with me too. It makes me not want to go out.
I am going to a hen do soon for three nights. I want to go as some uni mates are going and I haven't seen them for about 15 years. Be strange but good to go. We are going to Dublin. My parents have decided to go on holiday for a week then too with the kids but a different part of Ireland. I have decided to extend my stay whilst over there and spend a night with the children and my parents before flying back mid week. They are then going to stay longer in Ireland and I will fly back. Perfect for the jubilee bank hol weekend being kiddy free (they're my kids not my partner's kids). We will be kiddy free for four nights. Amazing!
My partner does not seem happy for me at all. He has sulked since I told him and won't really talk to me. He doesn't want sex with me and says I am too tired. When I suggested not going the other day he was all loved up and happy but then when I made my mind up he returned to looking annoyed and distant (not making conversation, not hugging, no affection and no sex with lots of excuses).
He went on a stag do for two nights the other month and that was all fine. He didn't get in touch once whilst he was away. I didn't mind at all.
This morning he asked if we have plans bank holiday weekend and I said no, isn't that great, we are kiddy free. He said well I think I am going to take the opportunity to meet up with some mates and go out. I said so you don't have plans, but you're going to make some. He said yes.
I know him, and I know that if this hen do wasn't happening and I wasn't joining my parents for one night before flying back, he wouldn't make these plans. He never goes out or sees his mates. I am glad he is going out and doing things, just the timing seems "off" when we are kiddy free which is so rare especially on a weekend!?
He had an affair two years ago with a work colleague. He was nasty until I found out. I have tried to forgive him, but I feel he is going down a nasty path again....
Sorry to ramble. I just come away from speaking with him feeling awful and deflated....

OP posts:
GregBrawlsInDogJail · 26/05/2022 07:51

Yes, he is abusive and coercively controlling.

What do you need to get out of this relationship?

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:52

He can be really kind. He can be funny. He can be thoughtful. He is very good with his mum. Works hard for a living. Good at teaching his own kids how to drive their cars. Good at DIY. Practical. We can have fun together.

All that disappears when he gets annoyed with me and the kids, which is very often. He won't talk to me for days... although he does answer my questions so he says it isn't the silent treatment... he just doesn't make conversation and for someone with fantastic hearing (can hear the kids coming down the stairs or whispering) he often says he hasn't heard me.....

OP posts:
Pashazade · 26/05/2022 07:53

You said the kids hate him, they sound like excellent judges of character. Yes if you have a house together it will be more complicated but he is doing nothing for you and will destroy your relationship with your children if you stay. He sounds horrible, please take a deep breath and jump ship, you deserve better.

Mix56 · 26/05/2022 07:53

This has to end

Fuuuuuckit · 26/05/2022 07:53

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:37

He is so nice tk the outside world

Mine even had may parents fooled.

This is no way to live op. It doesn't have to leave a bruise for it to be abuse.

What would you recommend if this was happening to your own dc? And how do you feel about them being exposed to this abusive behaviour, in their own home, to their own mother?

Go to Ireland. Enjoy yourself. Relish the liberty. Then, if he won't he goes off over bh weekend, get those ducks in order. This is no way for you or your dc to live.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:55

He gets annoyed when my kids forget to take their glass to the dishwasher. Or forget to take their washing down. He compares them to his kids that are 18 and 17. Yet his two do nothing around the house but the bare minimum such as taking their glass to the sink (they don't think to rinse and pol in the dishwasher like my two do, but I don't say anything to keep the peace). He's annoyed that there are grubby finger marks on the hallway and stairs... we have kids what does he expect?
My two forget to be quiet when they are having fun. They get giddy and noisy. He doesn't like that. He seems to want to stop their fun. I get that we need rules, but sometimes I feel he puts rules in place to benefit only himself

OP posts:
Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:56

We used to have a rule about doing curtains and blinds and making bed but now his son who is 18 doesn't do it, nothing gets said anymore. He doesn't mention things that his kids don't do!

OP posts:
Coachwork · 26/05/2022 07:56

The more you post the clearer it becomes. If not for you, leave for your children's sake.

blueluce85 · 26/05/2022 07:57

Get out and get out now. Do not allow this man to be around your children. You 100% do not want them thinking this is ok.

Look after yourself and focus on you and raising your children. They don't need shitty men in their life. They just need you, and a happy you!

BackToTheTop · 26/05/2022 07:57

You are being emotionally abused op. I could have written your post about 20 years ago, even down to the fact my ex had an affair. He would check the mileage on my car and monitor the phone bills (back in the days before smart phones). The crunch came when I arranged to go out with a female work colleague for a meal after work. I arranged it 2 weeks in advance. He did all the things your ex is doing, he would be vile and accuse me of having an affair, he'd then ignore me, he'd then get angry, he'd then be nice, he'd then tell me he'd asked me nicely, he'd withhold affection and sex and the cycle went round and round. In the end I found him tampering with my car to stop me going out. I left when my car was fixed and never went back

I would also suggest you hide your passport or better still, give it to a friend to look after. I wouldn't be at all surprised if he takes it and you 'mysteriously can't find it' when it's time to go.

bloodyunicorns · 26/05/2022 07:59

He sounds horrible. And yes, this is coercive control: he's bullying, manipulating and sulking.

Why did you stay after his affair, especially if he was being horrible to you??

What does he bring to your life? This relationship is not normal at all.

I'd end it, get some counselling and move on. You might find the Freedom Programme helpful.

AhNowTed · 26/05/2022 08:00

He's a malignant cancer in your house, sucking all the joy out of yours and your children's lives.

Your children are walking on egg shells and don't like him... THAT is the only reason you need to get rid of him.

scaredorganicyoghurt · 26/05/2022 08:00

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 07:52

He can be really kind. He can be funny. He can be thoughtful. He is very good with his mum. Works hard for a living. Good at teaching his own kids how to drive their cars. Good at DIY. Practical. We can have fun together.

All that disappears when he gets annoyed with me and the kids, which is very often. He won't talk to me for days... although he does answer my questions so he says it isn't the silent treatment... he just doesn't make conversation and for someone with fantastic hearing (can hear the kids coming down the stairs or whispering) he often says he hasn't heard me.....

Of course he can be kind, he knows what he's doing, like every other abusive man out there. If he was a nasty prick to you all the time at the beginning, you would just leave immediately. He's breaking you down, and knows that by giving you comfort by being nice to you, makes it far less likely that you'll leave him, cause he's trauma bonded you. He's only going to get worse, not better. He's behaving like this because he is getting what he wants. It's a choice to treat you like this, that he is making.

AhNowTed · 26/05/2022 08:00

And the monitoring of your every move is fucking creepy.

bloodyunicorns · 26/05/2022 08:02

And your kids dislike him. This should be a no-brainer . Put them first and dump him.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 08:02

OMG I am so sorry to read other people have been through this and far worse. I am glad he isn't hiding my passport or tampering with my car. He has offered to give me a lift the airport but I have a feeling the air in the car will be heavy and for him he's been chivalrous by going at 5am to the airport for a twenty min drive.
My daughter is savvy and said she knows the signs. She knows about the affair. He illegally met up with someone from another house hold during lockdown to do it too. I never told his mum or his friends. He said he didn't want me to. Of course he wouldn't.
It makes me sick how the world thinks he's amazing and he receives so much praise at work for remembering everything for everyone but then at home he doesn't remember much at all and says I never told him stuff.
He told me to text him thjngs and write it int he calendar as I always make him feel like he is going mad when he "knows" I didn't tell him stuff about my appointments etc. I panic when I forget to tell him stuff. I panic when he says I didn't tell him and I answer him back. It doesn't feel like a relationship. I feel like his child....

OP posts:
LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 26/05/2022 08:02

“I don’t say anything to keep the peace” = red flag coercive control
”he doesnt speak to me for days but answers questions so says it’s not the silent treatment” ‘says he doesnt hear me although he can hear the kids whispering’- red flag gaslighting

You had a gut feeling about this didn't you?

I can’t recommend solo relationship counselling highly enough to help you understand and improve your relationship choices. But it’s time to end it with this one. At least you only share a house, not kids.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 08:04

Thank you ever one so much. The freedom programme is something I will look into and also solo counselling for relationships.
I just feel that to some extent he is right my relationships haven't work and I am almost 40!
Sometimes do wonder if it is me.

OP posts:
Quartz2208 · 26/05/2022 08:04

You need to end this.

Look at how your children are growing up. Take some time and be there just for them and you

orwellwasright · 26/05/2022 08:05

Looks like your manager has spotted what's going on. Can you speak to them? Get some support?

You really, really need to end this. It's no way to live for you or your children.

AhNowTed · 26/05/2022 08:06

It's not you.

Get rid of him. There's something deeply disturbing about him and you don't want that around your kids.

Keroppi · 26/05/2022 08:07

Leave!!!!!!!!! He adds nothing and takes everything. You'll end up cheated on and alone, he won't care for you if you get sick, he'll either leave you or abuse you physically, financially.. Live on your own. Your poor children - you've been in controlling and shit relationships before. You need therapy, listen to your daughter!

Women who love too much is a good book

girlmom21 · 26/05/2022 08:10

mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 08:04

Thank you ever one so much. The freedom programme is something I will look into and also solo counselling for relationships.
I just feel that to some extent he is right my relationships haven't work and I am almost 40!
Sometimes do wonder if it is me.

But you've been with shitty men. That's why they haven't worked.

Original poster
mummybear1994 · 26/05/2022 08:10

I think what he won't like is his friend's partners have become good friends with me and now invite me to things that they're doing with their partners. Eg jubilee weekend I have been invited to his friend's wife's party with quite a few of his mates but his mate hasn't invited him directly if that makes sense. He knows if we split that I will see these people and they all really like me.
We both know a lot of people where we live and thankfully I have a good reputation, but his is a bit mixed. When we got together I was warned about him being a player but I thought he had grown up since then.
Trip to Ireland is the break I need both mentally and physically maybe I will come back stronger.....

OP posts:
Mally100 · 26/05/2022 08:11

So you know he's controlling you and he cheated on you previously. Come on, raise the bar op. Is this the man you choose to be around your children?

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