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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - dd left out?

112 replies

crackrattle · 25/05/2022 15:32

My DD is 9 and is really close friends with two girls at school, they hang about in a threesome all the time and seem to get along well. There is arguments here and there but for the most part all seem to get along well.

One of the girls has been at my house for play dates which are reciprocated by her mum but not as often, this isn't a problem though as mum has other children and has a big commute for work.

Other friend has been at my house/days out often and it is never reciprocated by the other mum. Find that a bit odd but I do it for my dd.

Today dd has just came in from school crying saying she feels left out as the two girls are going on a week long holiday together with one of the girls parents and they were talking about it today. I told dd that sometimes friends hang out separately and that that is okay and have given her examples of when I do that with my friend and when she's had a one on one play date or sleepover with one of her friends.

However, inside I feel so upset. I remember being the kid at school who was left out of these fun things in the friendship group. I have invited both of the girls to play and have dinner on Saturday and I honestly feel like just texting the mums saying, 'sorry, play date cancelled' and not responding to any further texts. However this would just impact my daughter rather than anyone else so I obviously won't. I just feel sick to my stomach about it and I think it's really unfair for them to speak about it in front of my dd.

There really is no consoling my dd and it's going to be a nightmare leading up to it and after, I just know it.

Just needed to vent though and ask if my reaction seems reasonable? Should I say anything to the mum that planned it?

OP posts:
Happyplace88 · 25/05/2022 15:36

Ahhh, OP. It’s so hard, but these situations will always always arise when friendship groups contain three kids. Three is a crowd, as they say.
yanbu to feel for your daughter, it’s horrible being left out. Cancelling the play date will make things worse though. And you would be unreasonable to complain to the other parent about it. She likely couldn’t take 2 kids on holiday with her. Nobody’s fault.

Discovereads · 25/05/2022 15:37

It’s pretty normal to only take one friend on holiday with your family. Unless you are made of money and can afford an entourage for your DC.

I admit it is hard for whoever isn’t chosen to go on holiday with a mutual friend. I would explain it to my child that it’s perfectly normal and that girls are still her friends.

waterrat · 25/05/2022 15:38

Tough one op but a week long holiday is surely about the friendship between the adults?

AngelinaFangelina · 25/05/2022 15:38

Don't say anything. Maybe the parent couldn't afford to take two additional children? Maybe they didn't want the added responsibility of one more? Maybe the child had the option of picking one friend to join them and chose that one? Maybe the parents get along better?
For any of those reasons they are not being unreasonable.
Encourage your child to expand their circle and invite other children over to play. It's not healthy to be so heavily invested in such a small circle at her age. It's a cruel life lesson learned by most kids at some stage, but it does pass. Don't make an issue out of it.

WTF475878237NC · 25/05/2022 15:39

Ah it is hard but I couldn't afford to take both girls away. I think I'd probably have given you a heads up though if they usually do everything as a 3. Don't say anything. It's just life.

luxxlisbon · 25/05/2022 15:41

I don’t think you really have justification to say anything to the mum. It seems fair enough that the family going on holiday have only allowed their DD to take one friend.
Not only is it more than likely too much cost wise (and then is also awkward to invite a child on holiday and expect any money) but it’s actually just too much to look after 3 8 year olds for a full week when only one is yours!

Its sad for your DD but it sounds like she has also had the girls over individually too. You can’t always do everything and she will get over it soon enough.

CupidStunt22 · 25/05/2022 15:41

It's quite normal for parents to take another child on holiday as company for theirs...it's not normal to take the whole friendship group!

You're being very OTT. It's not reasonable to expect them to not mention their holiday, and its not reasonable to retaliate at them in spite. You should be focusing on making your DD more resilient. You say there is no consoling her....probably because you are indulging her and making it worse.

It's life. Sometimes you get to do things and sometimes you don't, she's more than old enough to learn this.

AskingforaBaskin · 25/05/2022 15:41

What would you say to the mum?
As mentioned bringing one friend is normal
Two is a lot more

123walrus · 25/05/2022 15:41

I’d probably avoid play dates with the three of them for a while because the other two will talk about the holiday. Perhaps cancel Saturday and rearrange with one child at a time. Also suggest your DD invite other children earlier to broaden her friendship pool.

Original poster
crackrattle · 25/05/2022 15:41

Yeah you're right. I knew I would actually cancel play date or say anything to friends mum but it was an idea that went through my mind as I was spitting the dummy out 🤣

OP posts:
TrivialSoul · 25/05/2022 15:42

Don't cancel the play date, that could drive a wedge between your dad and the other girls. Taking an extra child on holiday is in no way comparable to play dates, it's a lot more effort, cost and responsibility and pretty common I would think to take on friend but not 2. For all you know the child had agonised over which friend to chose. It isn't your daughter's turn this time but may be in future. Keep encouraging her to look see the paralleled with your own friendships etc and help her maintain her own friendships.

Mommabear20 · 25/05/2022 15:46

It's not the girls fault, I highly doubt they had much say in the plans other than the one being invited saying she wanted to go. I completely understand that it's hard to see your child upset but I think this is just one of those things that happen. I doubt there was any malice behind it, and as the girls are only 9, I doubt it even crossed their minds not to mention it in front of your DD.
You're completely within your rights to feel upset for her but I don't think any action is needed in this situation, as hard as it is, kids do need to learn how to deal with feeling both good and bad.

Georgeskitchen · 25/05/2022 15:47

When I was about 9 or 10 I was friendly with 2 girls, they both lived close by, same school etc. Call them A and B. B had a much older brother so was virtually an only child. B's parents invited A to go on a week long holiday to Butlins with them. I was so jealous I nearly bursted. When they came home I asked A how the holiday went. She told me every single minute was horrible, B was so spoilt and having tantrums every 5 minutes. A was desperate from day one to go home but had to put up with it. She swore blind she would NEVER accept an invite like this EVER again.

2bazookas · 25/05/2022 15:54

You can hardly expect 2 excited nine yr olds to not mention holiday plans.
They didn't organise it!

Their parents 'plans and social life are really none of DD's business (or yours)

girlmom21 · 25/05/2022 15:58

It'd be a big responsibility to take two other peoples children on holiday. She'll have had to pick a friend.

Original poster
crackrattle · 25/05/2022 16:01

2bazookas · 25/05/2022 15:54

You can hardly expect 2 excited nine yr olds to not mention holiday plans.
They didn't organise it!

Their parents 'plans and social life are really none of DD's business (or yours)

Oh do be quiet with your judgemental post. Hardly any of mine or DDs business? Well no, we're not claiming it to be. But if you can't expect two nine year olds to have a bit of empathy then you sure as hell can't expect a nine year old to not fe left out because of it. Ignorant person.

OP posts:
sylv165 · 25/05/2022 16:11

I do understand, my daughter is a similar age and in a friendship group of 3. The reality is that one of them is often "left out' - not because of any meanness or deliberate intention to exclude, but its just not always practical to do everything as a threesome. It is ok to feel sad for your daughter and I think anyone would feel a bit upset in her position, but it's just life really. No one has done anything wrong so no need to react by cancelling playdates. Instead maybe line up a nice treat for her while they are away so she has something of her own to look forward to, or use the opportunity to have another schoolmate round for a playdate so she broadens her friendship group a bit.

tootiredtoocare · 25/05/2022 16:13

It's awful for her, but there are loads of reasons why only one could go. If your daughter had been the one to be chosen, the other little girl would be in the same position. Don't break their friendship up over this.

Marvellousmadness · 25/05/2022 16:13

Yabu

Marvellousmadness · 25/05/2022 16:14

And entitled

Samcro · 25/05/2022 16:18

i would cancel. the other girls will no doubt talk about the holiday which will make it worse for your dd.
can she see someone else instead?

DontBuyANewMumCashmere · 25/05/2022 16:20

This must be quite upsetting for your DD but it's a great opportunity to learn resilience and acceptance of things you don't like but can't change.

This is going to happen throughout life, it's sad but you have to face it and cope.

Some ways to ameliorate it would be to make a play date/sleepover with someone else, or plan a few nice day trips picnic or beach trip, something she might really look forward to.

TheLivingAnt · 25/05/2022 16:39

I would have thought 9 is far too young to be going away from parents with another family for a week. One night maybe! It will probably be a nightmare and you’ll be glad you’re not involved.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 25/05/2022 16:49

Lots of 9 year olds go away from a week without parents.

OP its hard, but unfortunately par for the course with a friendship group of 3. Your DD is going to feel left out and the other 2 are going to talk about it. The way forward is to try and get your DD to have some other friends as well. Often an outside club is good for this as there will be children from other schools so any issues with school friends are left at school

10HailMarys · 25/05/2022 16:59

This is standard stuff. All children will have to deal with being left out at some time in their lives. Kids are fickle and fall in and out with one another constantly.

My guess is that either a) the parents of the other two families know each other, and they suggested taking the other girl on holiday on that basis or b) the parents said their DD could ask only one friend to come on holiday because they only have room for one extra child in the car or their holiday accommodation, and she picked the other friend. That might have been because she happened to be in favour on that particular day. Or it might have been because while she gets on great with your DD at school and on playdates, she thinks they might niggle at each other if they spent a full week together. This is perfectly normal for both kids and adults. I have three close friends that I love equally, but only one of them would be the ideal holiday companion for me.

I understand why your daughter is feeling hurt and I understand why you feel sorry for her. But the fact that you're considering cancelled playdates and ghosting the other parents out of spite is insane. How the hell's that going to help your DD, for a start? You're an adult. You must, surely, know that it's totally normal and reasonable for your DD and her friends not to do everything as a trio?!