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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - dd left out?

112 replies

crackrattle · 25/05/2022 15:32

My DD is 9 and is really close friends with two girls at school, they hang about in a threesome all the time and seem to get along well. There is arguments here and there but for the most part all seem to get along well.

One of the girls has been at my house for play dates which are reciprocated by her mum but not as often, this isn't a problem though as mum has other children and has a big commute for work.

Other friend has been at my house/days out often and it is never reciprocated by the other mum. Find that a bit odd but I do it for my dd.

Today dd has just came in from school crying saying she feels left out as the two girls are going on a week long holiday together with one of the girls parents and they were talking about it today. I told dd that sometimes friends hang out separately and that that is okay and have given her examples of when I do that with my friend and when she's had a one on one play date or sleepover with one of her friends.

However, inside I feel so upset. I remember being the kid at school who was left out of these fun things in the friendship group. I have invited both of the girls to play and have dinner on Saturday and I honestly feel like just texting the mums saying, 'sorry, play date cancelled' and not responding to any further texts. However this would just impact my daughter rather than anyone else so I obviously won't. I just feel sick to my stomach about it and I think it's really unfair for them to speak about it in front of my dd.

There really is no consoling my dd and it's going to be a nightmare leading up to it and after, I just know it.

Just needed to vent though and ask if my reaction seems reasonable? Should I say anything to the mum that planned it?

OP posts:
billy1966 · 25/05/2022 17:10

This definitely happens around that age.

Let it spur you on to have other children around.

I would shorten the playdate if it suits you better rather than cancel.

You really need to focus on broadening her circle if one parent doesn't do play dates.

Sit down with her a go through the class and make a detailed list of children she is prepared to have over.

Do one on ones, they are better for seeing if children click IMO.

Onlyhuman123 · 25/05/2022 17:16

I feel for you and DD. We had similar with our DD...age 10/11...whereby her closest friend decided to be friends with another girl. I or DD had no issue with that as I always encouraged DD to have lots of friends too but this girl was her closest, but the problems started when DDs friend and the other new friend excluded my DD from being with them at school, play dates etc. They were all moving to senior school at the time and my DD was so lonely 🙁 and felt so left out, despite having other friends. She was so hurt. I had to just grit my teeth and give her advice each time it raised its ugly head so she could learn skills to help deal with how people can be cruel and uncaring.

It is so sad when girls do this tho so I totally understand how you and DD are feeling. I hope you and your DD can get thru it without too much heartache Flowers

Mary46 · 25/05/2022 17:21

Op its tricky with 3. I tried to encourage have other playdates. Alot exclusion at this age. Not nice. Ive 2 sisters was left out of social things. 3 seems to be a thing/issue!

Swimmingpoolsally · 25/05/2022 17:21

crackrattle · 25/05/2022 16:01

Oh do be quiet with your judgemental post. Hardly any of mine or DDs business? Well no, we're not claiming it to be. But if you can't expect two nine year olds to have a bit of empathy then you sure as hell can't expect a nine year old to not fe left out because of it. Ignorant person.

Show quote history

Oh dear op.

Darbs76 · 25/05/2022 17:22

I think you’re being unreasonable expecting the 9yrs olds not to discuss it in front of your daughter, I don’t think that’s the age for that. Not sure if one girl is going with her parents and the girls family or if one set of parents taking both girls but you’re not unreasonable to be upset for your daughter

SilverGlassHare · 25/05/2022 17:26

It is difficult but it’s more about the parents than the children, almost certainly. My 7 year old son is good friends with several other little boys, but only one of those have we had for sleepovers or would we take on holiday - because we’ve been friends with his parents for years. It doesn’t mean DS doesn’t really like the other children.

Awoooga · 25/05/2022 17:28

I was always the last friend to be thought of if I was ever in a ‘friendship’ group of 3, or more now I think of it. It hurt at the time for sure but you can’t make people prefer you.

The family going on holiday most likely didn’t want to pay for 2 extra children or look after that many extra. I hope your daughter feels better soon :)

FAQs · 25/05/2022 17:30

Could they be helping each other out with childcare over the holiday?

TheGlitterati · 25/05/2022 17:32

Maybe parents are friends?

Mally100 · 25/05/2022 17:33

Are the parents friends? Seems like it. Yanbu to feel upset about this, your dd is upset so it does affect you. I don't think you can say anything to the parents though. I would encourage your dd to make other friends. It seems like the other 2 are closer anyway and she might be in for a long road of being left out. Use the week that they are away to arrange some playdates.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 25/05/2022 17:41

My daughter was in a 3 and exactly the same situation with a holiday. They never ended up going die to covid but I can sympathise, you think why isn't it my child that was picked as the friend to go.

Kids are fickle though and they won't see that you have the most play dates etc! They just pick their most favourite that week.

No advise but just to agree it sucks for the child left out.

RosieLemonadeAndSugar · 25/05/2022 17:42

Due to covid that should say*

skgnome · 25/05/2022 17:44

I get how you and your DD feel
my DD is very close friends with 2 Giles who live next door to each other, we live a good 40 mins walk with 2 major roads to cross…. The 2 girls see each other all the time, since they can just pop out to play, while mine needs to be invited over, while plan…
mine is an only kid, quite often we find family tickets for local attractions/events are cheaper than 2 adults + 1 kid, so we buy the family one and let DD invite a friend, 90% of the time is one of those girls, is it a bit awkward to pick her knowing the other will know and may feel left out? Yes it is!
I encourage my DD to invite one when I notice the other has been lots but by no means can guarantee a 50-50 split
they still get on quite well - I just remind my DD when she’s the one left out that sometimes she just hangs with one and not the other and that the same way she sometimes has to decide it will happen to them - it’s hard, but she accepts it

lollipoprainbow · 25/05/2022 17:56

I could have written this post myself. My dd9 is part of a threesome at school and we have this all the time. Different for us though as my dd is autistic and struggles majorly with friends anyway. The other 2 girls have numerous play dates and sleepovers none of which my dd is invited to and they often talk about these in front of her. Its heartbreaking and there's some very unsympathetic people responding her. I'd be very tempted to cancel the play date on Saturday but I can see how this wouldn't help your dd, I'd be bloody angry though !

theplacesyouwillgo · 25/05/2022 18:04

My dd is part of a threesome and always gets left out. It is heartbreaking and I’ve told her to play with others. I know the other two have play dates and sleepover that’s my dd isn’t invited to. I feel for you

ILoveMyLifeToday · 25/05/2022 18:09

The parents will be good friends. I've got 2 really good mum friends. We met when the kids were in reception and always had play dates / day outs / holidays together, because the kids were friends but more so because WE were friends. We still meet up now minus the teens.

lollipoprainbow · 25/05/2022 18:10

It's all very easy to suggest 'make more friends' not as simple as that for some of our dd's.

Blarting · 25/05/2022 18:14

Such a hard part of parenting. But I wouldn't cancel the play date.

CupidStunt22 · 25/05/2022 18:16

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crackrattle · 25/05/2022 18:19

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Tohaveandtohold · 25/05/2022 18:25

Tough for your DD but this is standard. I can’t imagine inviting two of my child’s friends to come away with me on holiday, they almost always have to choose one person they want to go with and most of the time, it’s the parent they get along with the most. Otherwise, it changes the whole holiday dynamic when the adults now have to be responsible for two 9yo’s for a week. At 9, I won’t think about inviting another person’s child away with me for a week anyway, let alone two.

Aubriella · 25/05/2022 18:29

I’d probably avoid play dates with the three of them for a while because the other two will talk about the holiday. Perhaps cancel Saturday and rearrange with one child at a time. Also suggest your DD invite other children earlier to broaden her friendship pool.

I agree with this. Don't say anything about the holiday but cancel the playdate, saying you're not feeling very well. Don't even tell OP why you're cancelling.

ladydimitrescu · 25/05/2022 18:30

Yeah I really don't think you can say anything here. It's perfectly normal, my best friend used to come away with me and my family. We are a group of 4 and my family couldn't take us all, as an only child it was so I had company.
It's one of those things, just leave it now.

Aubriella · 25/05/2022 18:30

*Don't even tell DD, that should be

cansu · 25/05/2022 18:32

Actually children of that age have very little empathy for others. I have seen countless situations like this where very pleasant children have calmly given out a load of party invites and left out one or two or talked excitedly about a sleepover in front of a girl who has been left out. It is the way children often behave. Ask a child how they would feel if it was them and you will often get a shrug and an 'I don't know or I wouldn't care'. The only thing to do here is to build your dd resilience and plan something fun for her to do. It might also be worth encouraging her to widen her circle so she is not reliant on these two.