AIBU - dd left out?

[crackrattle]

My DD is 9 and is really close friends with two girls at school, they hang about in a threesome all the time and seem to get along well. There is arguments here and there but for the most part all seem to get along well.

One of the girls has been at my house for play dates which are reciprocated by her mum but not as often, this isn't a problem though as mum has other children and has a big commute for work.

Other friend has been at my house/days out often and it is never reciprocated by the other mum. Find that a bit odd but I do it for my dd.

Today dd has just came in from school crying saying she feels left out as the two girls are going on a week long holiday together with one of the girls parents and they were talking about it today. I told dd that sometimes friends hang out separately and that that is okay and have given her examples of when I do that with my friend and when she's had a one on one play date or sleepover with one of her friends.

However, inside I feel so upset. I remember being the kid at school who was left out of these fun things in the friendship group. I have invited both of the girls to play and have dinner on Saturday and I honestly feel like just texting the mums saying, 'sorry, play date cancelled' and not responding to any further texts. However this would just impact my daughter rather than anyone else so I obviously won't. I just feel sick to my stomach about it and I think it's really unfair for them to speak about it in front of my dd.

There really is no consoling my dd and it's going to be a nightmare leading up to it and after, I just know it.

Just needed to vent though and ask if my reaction seems reasonable? Should I say anything to the mum that planned it?

This would really bother me and honestly I would cancel the play date. Maybe see if there is another child you could invite over or out somewhere?

I would take a friend on holiday with my 9 year old I wouldn't take 2 friends. Normally there may be a room for parents and a twin room so one spare bed unlikely to be two.

I can understand why dd is upset. I can't understand why you think she is left out.

You can't understand why I think she is left out? Is that some sort of joke? I've clearly stated above, it's very obvious she is left out as she hasn't been the one invited - therefore left out.

No. Not being invited is not the same as being left out. Being left out implies it is something you had a reasonable expectation of being included in. Which is not the case here.

We can see why your child is so upset about this. Youve caused her to be.

I had this when my daughter was about the same age actually! It was tough, think you’ve said all the right things though. Might be worth encouraging her to expand her friendship group. Not to defriend the girls but just to have as wide a circle as possible and keep talking about all the fun things you’ll do in the holidays. Maybe invite some new friends over.

PS in our case the week was too long and did nothing for their friendship, make of that what you will 😈

She hasn’t been invited on a week long holiday, but she’s not being ‘left out’ by her friends - which is what matters. She’s not being included by another family on their holiday (and the other girl is) but that’s not the same as bring left out from play dates, parties and what have you.

Friendship groups of 3 can be tough.

Friendships of tween and teens can be tough.

All you can do is what you’re doing - bolster your DD’s friendships where you can (play dates), encourage resilience and empathy etc.

It really is awful op in that when you see them hurt it hurts you much more. I agree with the posters who advise encouraging her to widen her friendship group.
Maybe she could invite some other girls over? It really won't bother her as much if she's having fun with other kids and making other new friends

They're 9 op - of course they are going to talk about it and be excited. You really can't expect them to take both girls on the holiday, the other child picked a friend to go, and that's the end of it really.
Disappointing for your DD, of course it is!
But your reaction is totally OTT. They've not actually done anything wrong.

@ladydimitrescu I disagree, I've been here with my own dd broken-hearted because she is repeatedly left out of sleepovers and play dates. Not OTT at all.

You have one friend then the other friend for a playdate. Why not all 3??

Why would you think parents would take 2 other children on holiday? 3 can be a trickier dynamic never mind the expense, space and other practicalities.

It is disappointing for your child completely understand her upset. You should be able to rationalise it.

Being left out of a sleepover or play date repeatedly, Is not the same as not being invited on a week long holiday!! Behave!!

OP could you take your daughter and one of the friends on holiday during the summer? Or could you holiday in the same area as these two girls and meet up a few times?

Op i think huge over reaction and you won't be helping your daughter
They can invite who they like and there may be numerous reasons why it was or is the other child, not many people are going to take 2 friends away
I can understand why your 9 your old feels sad but not really why you have taken it so personally as an adult , you can surely see why taking 2 kids instead of one is a huge difference
I bet on occasions your dd has had just one it the two over

In these situations you just say to your dd, "I bet dfriend would have wanted to take you, but her mum probably only let her pick one friend" and then move on. It is just one if those things.

But I'd also support her in widening her friendship group a bit as three is a tricky number and someone always ends up left out.

I would ask your dd if she wants to cancel the playdate or not.

😮 is this a suggestion to gatecrash the holiday? I really don't think that will help.

Not gatecrash at all. Just ho on holiday in the area and if they want to meet up they can. My daughter has done it many times with her friends. If we're in the area and they want to meet up - they do. It's not like you'll be staying with them

go*

It's hard but you can't expect a family to take 2 extra children on holiday. I'm sore your sore would be even more upset if they kept it a secret and she found out another way or it slipped out accidentally. I'd only ever take one extra child for financial and space reasons but also as demonstrated here groups of 3 can be a tricky dynamic. I'm sure there was no deliberate plan to leave your dd out it was just the way it worked - only one could go. Perhaps your dd can take a friend when you go on holiday so she's not missing out on the experience?

God that is a psycho suggestion! And dd would end up being even more upset when the holiday play date ends and the two girls go back to their hotel together and she can't go.

OP 3 is a shit number, try to extend your dds friend circle a bit, maybe at a club or something. There will always be one left out on a friendship group of 3. It sucks but is life.

Sleepovers and play dates are very different to taking someone else's child away for a whole week

You can't understand why I think she is left out? Is that some sort of joke? I've clearly stated above, it's very obvious she is left out as she hasn't been the one invited - therefore left out.

Not being invited isn't the same as being left out.
Leaving someone out is deliberately excluding them. That's not what the other child has done.

You can't understand why I think she is left out? Is that some sort of joke? I've clearly stated above, it's very obvious she is left out as she hasn't been the one invited - therefore left out.

She hasn't been deliberately left out though - I mean, I very much doubt the parents said "you can bring two friends" and their daughter said "no, I don't want LittleOP to come".

The parents will have said "you can bring a friend" and this time it was the other girl that was chosen. If she'd chosen your DD, the other girl would have been equally upset and "left out".

Unfortunately this happens in groups of three. It's not nice but it's natural - I would take a friend on holiday for company but not two friends. It's vastly melee expensive and hugely changes the dynamics too.

Your daughter isn't being "left out", OP. Taking one friend on holiday is fine and normal; your reaction is not. What you need to be doing here is helping your daughter to be relaxed and resilient about it by reassuring her; not thinking of cancelling playdates, and using all the OTT language you've used on here.

As for the suggestion about gatecrashing the holiday - WTAF? If you want a fast track to the OP and her daughter bring ostracised for real, that would be it.

OP, by overthinking your daughter's friendships like this, and ratcheting up the stress, you're not helping her.

Completely agree, clubs outside of school are a really important outlet in our house, the kids have more than one social circle even if only for an hour or two a week and it has a way of helping them get things back into perspective.

I was in that situation but older. We'd hang around all the time as a three, but come holiday time only the other girl was invited to go away. I felt like I wasn't good enough.

Is there anything you can plan for that week that will be something DD wants to do, to lift her spirits and make her feel special too?

It's logistically normal that both your DD and the other girl don't go on the holiday (for most types of weeks away), and I also get why you feel she's been left out, even though it likely wasn't specifically "to leave her out", iyswim. But I'd say it's worth looking on how to make DD feel a bit better.

Also I found that having friends at school meant that all my friends were in one basket. So there were no other friendship groups to rest on - even just in terms of feeling like I was liked elsewhere. I don't know if it's possible for you and your family set up/where you live, but I've got my kids in activities that don't involve school friends as a way to buffer the school friendships. Is that something that could work longer term to build up the kids she's around?