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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU - dd left out?

112 replies

crackrattle · 25/05/2022 15:32

My DD is 9 and is really close friends with two girls at school, they hang about in a threesome all the time and seem to get along well. There is arguments here and there but for the most part all seem to get along well.

One of the girls has been at my house for play dates which are reciprocated by her mum but not as often, this isn't a problem though as mum has other children and has a big commute for work.

Other friend has been at my house/days out often and it is never reciprocated by the other mum. Find that a bit odd but I do it for my dd.

Today dd has just came in from school crying saying she feels left out as the two girls are going on a week long holiday together with one of the girls parents and they were talking about it today. I told dd that sometimes friends hang out separately and that that is okay and have given her examples of when I do that with my friend and when she's had a one on one play date or sleepover with one of her friends.

However, inside I feel so upset. I remember being the kid at school who was left out of these fun things in the friendship group. I have invited both of the girls to play and have dinner on Saturday and I honestly feel like just texting the mums saying, 'sorry, play date cancelled' and not responding to any further texts. However this would just impact my daughter rather than anyone else so I obviously won't. I just feel sick to my stomach about it and I think it's really unfair for them to speak about it in front of my dd.

There really is no consoling my dd and it's going to be a nightmare leading up to it and after, I just know it.

Just needed to vent though and ask if my reaction seems reasonable? Should I say anything to the mum that planned it?

OP posts:
Rainbowqueeen · 26/05/2022 07:19

Three is never a good number. Yes this will be hard for your DD but she will learn from it. It will go better for her if you are matter of fact about it and move on quickly.

I'm wondering what you would have done if your DD had been the one invited and the other girl missed out. Would you have said DD could not go as it was unfair to leave one child out or accepted the invitation??

liveforsummer · 26/05/2022 07:19

XelaM · 25/05/2022 22:52

OP could you take your daughter and one of the friends on holiday during the summer? Or could you holiday in the same area as these two girls and meet up a few times?

Christ don't do that - that's stalkerish behaviour 😆. Dynamic would be totally changed and very weird!

axolotlfloof · 26/05/2022 07:35

This sort of shit will happen all the time with tween girls.
As well as staying friends with these girls I would encourage other friendships. Both in and out of school.
A lot of girls seem to spend y5-8 shaking up existing friendship groups and having a lot of friendship drama.
The more friends she has the less this will be an issue.

lollipoprainbow · 26/05/2022 08:02

Not being invited isn't the same as being left out.

Of course it is, crikey some of the responses here are a joke, I'm guessing you all have kids with vast numbers of friends so they've never experienced the sadness of being left out (sorry not invited) to various activities, play dates, sleepovers etc. Lucky eh.

girlmom21 · 26/05/2022 08:40

lollipoprainbow · 26/05/2022 08:02

Not being invited isn't the same as being left out.

Of course it is, crikey some of the responses here are a joke, I'm guessing you all have kids with vast numbers of friends so they've never experienced the sadness of being left out (sorry not invited) to various activities, play dates, sleepovers etc. Lucky eh.

If you say to your child 'you can pick one friend to come on holiday' your child isn't excluding anyone else by picking a friend ffs.

Prinnny · 26/05/2022 08:55

lollipoprainbow · 26/05/2022 08:02

Not being invited isn't the same as being left out.

Of course it is, crikey some of the responses here are a joke, I'm guessing you all have kids with vast numbers of friends so they've never experienced the sadness of being left out (sorry not invited) to various activities, play dates, sleepovers etc. Lucky eh.

Don’t be ridiculous! The child could chose one friend and has done so! Or are you suggesting the parents should take the entire friendship group away so not to upset anyone?

Newsflash…you can’t get chosen for everything, you are not the centre of the universe, no wonder there’s so many entitled kids with attitudes like this 🙄

SueSaid · 26/05/2022 09:02

It is so hard at this age, totally see why you feel disappointed for your dd but you just have to rise above it, hard though it is. Carry on with playdates, be the better person even if one parent cba to reciprocate. They'll probably have had each other after a week away and your dd will be in again!

Just shrug it off, encourage dd to do the same then plan some nice treats for the holiday.

thelittlestrhino · 26/05/2022 09:05

Prinnny · 26/05/2022 08:55

Don’t be ridiculous! The child could chose one friend and has done so! Or are you suggesting the parents should take the entire friendship group away so not to upset anyone?

Newsflash…you can’t get chosen for everything, you are not the centre of the universe, no wonder there’s so many entitled kids with attitudes like this 🙄

Show quote history

Yeah, the new 'whole class parties' is now 'whole class holidays'

That'll be fun.

TarasHarp55 · 26/05/2022 09:17

waterrat · 25/05/2022 15:38

Tough one op but a week long holiday is surely about the friendship between the adults?

How is it, the other parents aren't going.

SayCheeseBoris · 26/05/2022 09:55

I completely understand why you and your DD are hurt, it's awful for her. My DD is in this type of friendship group where sometimes she's the one left out and it breaks her heart but then on the flip side of that there have been times when we've gone on a day out and I've only been able to take 1 of her friends so she has to choose. I'm sure that the others then feel like we are leaving them out but in reality I'm just trying to make a nice day for my DD and that usually means letting her have a friend along. Assure your DD there will be other playdates/days out/holidays.

ZoeCM · 26/05/2022 12:50

XelaM · 25/05/2022 22:52

OP could you take your daughter and one of the friends on holiday during the summer? Or could you holiday in the same area as these two girls and meet up a few times?

This is the sort of thing that would happen ten minutes into a stalker drama on ITV.

XelaM · 26/05/2022 13:48

Ok then... but my daughter and her friends have always been happy with that. We stayed in different resorts anf only met up when convenient

XelaM · 26/05/2022 13:55

In these type of things, you just have to be proactive and either organise your own days out/sleepovers/holidays and invite the friends she wants or try to organise something with the other parent(s).

My daughter has a friend or more stay at our house practically every weekend. It never bothers me, so she can invite whoever she wants. I also often drive her and her friends to various places/pick them up/take them along if we go somewhere. Otherwise she would have to wait to be invited all the time and disappointed if not.

MsTSwift · 26/05/2022 13:59

You will drive yourself mad if you keep this up. Don’t say anything. Also next time it might be convenient for you to take one just one friend somewhere - are you really going to cause yourself inconvenience and cost and take even more kids to spare their feelings? You won’t I bet.

caringcarer · 26/05/2022 13:59

This will be hard for your dd. Does she have any hobbies where she meets other children she could have a play date with one of them.

adlitem · 26/05/2022 14:01

Oh dear OP, Friendships of 3s never work out.

I can understand your DD feels left out, and the advice you gave her was correct. You should take it onboard yourself. It IS ok for those two to have a friendship that doesn't always have to involve your DD, as it is ok for her to have one on one time with one or the other too. As long as everyone is being kind about it and not intentionally excluding or showing off about it.

What I would do (and do, because my daughter (8) is also in a 3 way BFF nightmare!) is encourage your DD to develop friendships outside the 3, and to keep telling her the way she is feeling is ok but so is spending one on one time with friends. It's an important lesson in life too.

XelaM · 26/05/2022 14:06

Friends outside of school are excellent when there is inevitable drama with school friends. My daughter's closest friends are from her horse riding club. Actually her absolutely best friend that practically lives at our house on weekends/holidays she met in Pony Club. They were a lifesaver when she had friendship dramas at primary school. Could your daughter make additional friends outside of school?

silverbubbles · 26/05/2022 14:12

Get a grip of yourself or you are going to be in for a rough ride.

Your child is just not the favourite friend at the moment - you both need to get over that and accept the fact that people can do what they want and be friends with anyone they like.

Why don't you invite the other girls from the class, who weren't invited to your playdate and dinner , to join the gang of 3 on Saturday. How do you think some of them feel being left out of this? No doubt they will have heard about it in the playground etc....

Broaden her friendship groups so she is not so dependant on 2 people.

Notaneffingcockerspaniel · 26/05/2022 14:23

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn at the poster's request.

Aubriella · 26/05/2022 14:30

You’ve had some unnecessarily mean and obtuse responses here op - I can’t understand why people have to be so bloody bitchy

💯 agree

BritWifeInUSA · 26/05/2022 16:38

They could only afford to take one extra child. Their daughter was asked to pick a friend to take. Your daughter wasn’t picked. That’s life.

lollipoprainbow · 26/05/2022 18:06

You’ve had some unnecessarily mean and obtuse responses here op - I can’t understand why people have to be so bloody bitchy

Agree totally

minutesturntohours · 26/05/2022 18:07

OP, how often do the other two have playdates?

lollipoprainbow · 27/05/2022 06:20

@Prinnny my dd isn't entitled ffs just a sad little who has friendship issues but then I wouldn't expect you or the other bitchy posters to understand about that.

Rosehugger · 27/05/2022 06:25

A three is always difficult. I'm sure your DD does feel left out, but really the other parent is never going to take two extra children on holiday with them. You have said the right things.