To think it's polite to let people know roughly when you intend to arrive when staying with someone?

[mummabubs]

I don't mean like to the minute or anything, even "morning, early afternoon" etc would do! DH's family come to stay with us a few times a year, they live 200 miles away so it's not like we're down the road and they stay two nights each time. They will tell us a day they're coming (not ask when is good for us, but tell us(!)) and then don't bother to say when they're coming at all during the day. The few times they have been pinned to a time they've then consistently arrived hours later and not communicated that they're running late.

Current example is that SiL and her friend who we've never met are coming to stay at ours as they're going to an event tomorrow evening in the city we live in (I don't mind them staying to save on a hotel fee, I'm not a complete arsehole). However we've heard nothing about when she's planning to get here. DH is at work all day so it's me and two young DC + the dog at home. I said to DH this evening I think it's inconsiderate to not even say at all when she's planning to get here as it means I don't know whether I can go out tomorrow or when to walk the dog, whether they'll be joining us for any meals etc. DH won't contact her to ask and says his family just work differently to mine (I was brought up to always give people some indication when hosting of when you intend to arrive, I still do it with my parents now as an adult). I've said I think it's rude as it implies that my time is less valuable than hers so I can jusy fit around her plans as she decides them. I leaning towards just going out during the day and if they happen to get here and I'm not there to let them in then that's her fault for not communicating at all. (In the past she's literally called to say "surprise, I'm on the motorway heading to see you" so I don't respond well to visitors when I'm not expecting them!) 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think it's just being considerate / polite in these situations to let someone know in advance roughly when you plan to leave/ arrive?

I absolutely would do this. If you're out when they arrive, that's their problem. As my kids would say, you feeling like you have to stay in makes it a "you problem". You potentially not being there when she arrives is a "her problem". I'd make it a her problem

Of course you should tell people when you arrive. How odd not to b

That would infuriate me and shows a massive lack of respect for your time.

Can you drop a text just saying ‘looking forward to seeing you tomorrow. I need to pop out a few times - what’s your ETA so I can be here to let you in. Will you want lunch or will you grab en route?’

if she ignores just be out all day.

incidentally what would happen if you said it doesn’t work for you when they invite themselves?

Have you asked??

Regardless of what anyone else thinks, you like to know a time, so why don’t you communicate that to them? Why does DH have to communicate for you? If they don’t get back to you I would go about your business, go out if you want etc.

Maybe they’re happy to sit in the car and wait for you or entertain themselves if you happen to be out when they arrive?

I’d text SIL yourself and say “can you let me know when you’re planning to arrive, I’ve got various things to do out of the house so just need to know when to be back”. Then if she doesn’t reply, or does reply but turns up hours before or later, just go about your planned business anyway. If she replies just to say “afternoon”, reply to say “can you give me a bit more idea? I’ll be out some of the day and don’t want to leave you on the doorstep if you can help me avoid that ha ha”

Definitely we’re going to in-laws soon well a month away train times will be worked and then we tell them when we arrive. As they’re so far away it’s the only way to do it.

That's one of the times where they've literally just shown up! Bizarrely they said we weren't to visit on my DH's birthday weekend as they were all busy, so that was fine. I said we'd stay at home and do our own thing instead so I planned a whole day for our family. Then at 8:30 in the morning his mum called him to say "surprise, we'll see you in an hour!" I was torn between wanting DH to see his family on his birthday and feeling slightly livid at just how inconsiderate it all was!!

In the past I've contacted them to try and get rough schedules etc but I've said to DH I'm sick of doing it so feel either he should do it or they should contact us, I don't feel I should have to chase them every time 🤷🏻‍♀️

I don't know anyone that does this
My DB lives a few hours away and we both travel to see each other every other month or so and we both arrange a day and a rough time ie be with you around 12ish.
Any delays we let each other know, I take this as common courtesy.
I would just go about your day as normal and if they arrive when you are out then so be it.

So rude. That would give me the rage but I couldn't cope with the uncertainty so would text her. If she didn't reply, I'd just go about my day and make her plans fit mine

I'm with you and would hate this! Sounds like my MIL. DH always asks a time when she is coming by, but she never knows! We now go out and if we aren't here- then thats her problem. When cousins travel 2hrs to us- they text when they leave and also closer by.

Why don't you text/phone her yourself and ask for an ETA? I also want to know if you said it wasn't convenient to invite themselves or if you were away- what would happen? Would you have to leave them a key to get in themselves?

It's really rude. Crack on with your day. If you're out DH will have to leave work. After all, I'm sure his boss will understand that it's just how his family work 🤷‍♀️

My parents in law do this . Drives me mad!!! And then if they arrive when we’re out they let themselves in!!!!!

Either you can text her tonight and say "DH is working tomorrow, let me know when you will be arriving so I can be here to let you in'" or "I'll be out and about for much of the day tomorrow, so don't arrive before x when DH should get home from work."
Or you could just do nothing and suit yourself. You could even put your phone on silent and make DH the default contact, so you can just stay out of it.
Don't make it your problem.

Do ur own thing, make it their problem not urs.

Or leave a key in a safe place and they can just let themselves in.

Yes they are being inconsiderate but ur not helping urself here!!

I'd expect them to let you know a rough time then keep you updated as to when they setoff, how long the sat Nav says the journey will take and then also update you with a quick text if there's unexpected delays in their arriving.
It's hardly any effort for the passenger to drop you a couple of messages

It's easy for us to say just go about your day but I understand how the not knowing messes with your head so going about your day becomes stressful.
It makes you feel on edge.
Drop her a text in the morning asking what time she expects to be with you then try at least to get on with your day

YANBU. It's a concept I've tried in vain to explain to my Dad for years but he still doesn't get it.
Crack on with your day as suits you and if that leaves her on the doorstop then that was her choice.

Just ask when they'll be arriving or say that if you're out when they do arrive you'll just leave a key under the plant pot etc. I wouldn't make it hard for yourself. Or ask them to call when they're half an hour away so you can get back from school run/dog walk etc to let them in.
I'm totally on your side, OP, it's bad mannered on their part, but I wouldn't stress yourself out about it.

This ^^ is very sensible advice!!!

I like other PPs comments about making it a Hee problem (or DH'sfamily's problem) rather than a you problem

If they don't arrange it with you, then they can sort themselves out.

Absolutely go out with your dog and DS, and leave them to occupy themselves until you are available. You have shops near you, cafes, so they can sit with coffee and pop out to buy meals whilst you are out/ they can wait for DH to get home.

My mum was a nightmare for this, "we never know what time we will be there", well you could call as you are leavening.

She wasn't impressed when they arrived and called me and I was having my nails done.

It's rude and inconsiderate. Sometimes it can't be helped that someone is caught in traffic or a flight is delayed, that's fine but to expect you to stay in all day and not arrive until 7pm, nope totally rude.

OP just go about your day and if they have to sit outside for an hour then so be it.

I would purposely go out ALL DAY. Make it his and her problem. Fuck that. I love family, we visit, stay overnight, everyone is welcome but we ALWAYS communicate plans, we give updates on travel time etc. Your DH's family is so fucking rude, I would purposely be difficult to make the point.

I woud do the same as @InstaHun88

@sashh My mum was a nightmare for this, "we never know what time we will be there", well you could call as you are leavening.

She wasn't impressed when they arrived and called me and I was having my nails done.

Lol well that was a lesson hopefully your mum will remember! Did she change her behaviour after then and start texting you as she left?

You're absolutely right that if people don't arrange a time they will arrive, then it is entitled and BU of them to expect you to stay in all day over 12 hour period waiting in for them. You're not a hotel and have lives to live.

If your mum still does it, I'd carry on doing same thing popping out until they learn that the'd best arrange approximate arrival time with you and text as they leave... Or tell them when to arrive ("please arrive between 4-6.30pm as I want to make sure we are in and will start tea ready for 7pm")

or say that if you're out when they do arrive you'll just leave a key under the plant pot etc.

Please don't do this ! At least use a keysafe if you must leave key out for someone ...