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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's polite to let people know roughly when you intend to arrive when staying with someone?

125 replies

mummabubs · 24/05/2022 22:30

I don't mean like to the minute or anything, even "morning, early afternoon" etc would do! DH's family come to stay with us a few times a year, they live 200 miles away so it's not like we're down the road and they stay two nights each time. They will tell us a day they're coming (not ask when is good for us, but tell us(!)) and then don't bother to say when they're coming at all during the day. The few times they have been pinned to a time they've then consistently arrived hours later and not communicated that they're running late.

Current example is that SiL and her friend who we've never met are coming to stay at ours as they're going to an event tomorrow evening in the city we live in (I don't mind them staying to save on a hotel fee, I'm not a complete arsehole). However we've heard nothing about when she's planning to get here. DH is at work all day so it's me and two young DC + the dog at home. I said to DH this evening I think it's inconsiderate to not even say at all when she's planning to get here as it means I don't know whether I can go out tomorrow or when to walk the dog, whether they'll be joining us for any meals etc. DH won't contact her to ask and says his family just work differently to mine (I was brought up to always give people some indication when hosting of when you intend to arrive, I still do it with my parents now as an adult). I've said I think it's rude as it implies that my time is less valuable than hers so I can jusy fit around her plans as she decides them. I leaning towards just going out during the day and if they happen to get here and I'm not there to let them in then that's her fault for not communicating at all. (In the past she's literally called to say "surprise, I'm on the motorway heading to see you" so I don't respond well to visitors when I'm not expecting them!) 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think it's just being considerate / polite in these situations to let someone know in advance roughly when you plan to leave/ arrive?

OP posts:
FridayiminlovewithRobertSmith · 25/05/2022 07:05

@NancyJoan the voice of reason! Exactly what I’d do. There is so much advice here setting OP up for conflict.

londonrach · 25/05/2022 07:10

Very strange of course you tell someone you staying with what time you arriving...id continue with day but take my phone with me.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2022 07:13

In the past I've contacted them to try and get rough schedules etc but I've said to DH I'm sick of doing it so feel either he should do it or they should contact us, I don't feel I should have to chase them every time

bit clearly nobody else is bothered except you.

If send a text asking for a rough ETA. If you don’t get one, I’d make a point of going out a lot!

it’s counter productive not to ask or to wait for DH to ask, the only person you are annoying is yourself.

Pamlar · 25/05/2022 07:14

It's inconsiderate and v annoying.
I would def go out and continue your routine with the kids including whatever meals you need to prepare (although I personally would get some extra food in so they can have a snack)
We have relatives who arrive as a surprise and it was massively annoying when my dc were tiny and had their routines disrupted.
Hope they get message

Noisyprat · 25/05/2022 07:15

The mistake you are making is that you are making this your responsibility. Are they contacting you to say they are coming or going through DH? It's much easier if your DH deals with his family and you with yours. He may work full time and you part time or sahp however you still have a life and children to look after.

So I would change the dynamic and simply not ask and not 'worry' about anything being ready. There'll be one of 2 outcomes, your DH will continue to say his family work differently to your and won't care that nothing is in, no beds made, no-one at home OR he will realise that leaving things like that doesn't work for you as a family and these things do need to have some form of organisation.

If they havent said they are coming to eat then they aren't, if they don't let you know when they are arriving you go about your day as normal. Just why wouldn't you!

saraclara · 25/05/2022 07:17

I was about to post what @NancyJoan did.
I don't understand why you'd rather get wound up and have a difficult day rather than just text her.

It doesn't matter who should do the texting, I'd just make my life easier by doing so.

To be honest I think it makes sense for the host to ask. I always do rather than wait to hear the timings from my visitor. I'm the one who's life is mildly constrained by the time of their arrival, so I ask.

simoncowellsdog · 25/05/2022 07:18

I'd tell your OH that you're going to be out and about and leave it up to him whether he lets her know. If she comments then you can say 'oh well I did ask DH to let you know I was busy most of the day'

If DH says 'they don't work that way' my answer would simply be 'well I do' and at that point leave it for him to sort out.

I'd also definitely go out all day on purpose.

Eddielizzard · 25/05/2022 07:19

Having a few inconsiderate people like this in my life, I would do my usual thing as though they weren't coming. And absolutely don't drop everything the minute they do arrive. Eg. they say they're coming on Friday, no further communication. Go out all day. They pitch up at lunch. Sorry! You'll be back at 5pm. If only you'd known what time they were arriving...

And do it every time. As for the surprise birthday visit, that is outrageous. It's like they don't consider that you have a life outside of seeing them. So you have to force that issue and not be available until they start being more considerate.

Blueeyedgirl21 · 25/05/2022 07:20

Omg my sil does this as well! Except she also surprise brings her ds which is great except we then have to get him sorted with bedding etc even though it’s all ‘oh he’ll just kip on the couch’ etc and then we have to do a movie night with a movie suited to a 13yo, and get a meal in he likes etc
literally down to the phone call off the motorway ! ‘Will you be around in 45 mins?’

just do your own thing if she rings and is surprised you’re not in just say oh DH didn’t know when you’re arriving so I’m out, I’ll be back about 3/4/whenever, see you then.

if dh is really bothered can you leave a key in a plant pot or something and just let her get on with it it’s so annoying but some families really are just like this I’ll never understand it 😂

ChocolateHippo · 25/05/2022 07:20

I'd just say 'Lovely. DC and I will be out and about most of the day, so maybe contact DH when you arrive so he can let you in. He'll let you know when he finishes work'.

And then leave it at that. If they end up waiting on the doorstep, it's their own fault!

My family not only give an ETA in advance, but they also message with an updated time when they're leaving and re-confirm it when they stop on the motorway for coffee. That's maybe a bit OTT (I can usually tell within 5 minutes when they're arriving!), but I'd have no patience with what you describe!

Chica10 · 25/05/2022 07:21

HandScreen · 25/05/2022 06:26

It's a minor annoyance

What, hanging around all day waiting for people who may turn up in the the morning or in the evening? Hardly a minor annoyance if they do it every time. Family or not it’s incredibly rude.

Shoxfordian · 25/05/2022 07:22

Just carry on with your day regardless, if they get there and you’re out then they’ll have to wait for you to get home

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 25/05/2022 07:31

Agree OP.
My inlaws have never once taken 2 minutes out of their day to text us to say "we've just left, should be with you at 12ish".
So we sit around twiddling our thumbs, getting the house ready, preparing food. We don't know if we should walk our dog, or wait and take their dog too. We don't know if we have time to get something helpful done - like the weekly food shop.
Then they bowl up the driveway without a care in the world, big grins on their faces, HOURS AND HOURS later than the time that we might anticipate.
I think it's plain rude.

gamerchick · 25/05/2022 07:33

Just carry on with your life as normal and if your bloke protests then he can take the day off to wait in for them.

Toothiehurtie · 25/05/2022 07:35

I completely feel you. Mine are utterly impossible. They live a ten minute drive away and are impossible to pin down. They range from being three hours late to turning up early and unable to wait for food. I’ve tried everything but it’s impossible. The last thing I tried was meeting them somewhere instead but we end up paying. It’s the most rude thing

ChristineCagney11 · 25/05/2022 07:36

Think we have a divide of two different types of people, those who think the other person is a part player in their life and those who realise the other person has their own separate life as well.
Just comes down to letting people know, before mobile phones you'd ring before you set off, find a phone box on the way etc. It's not hard.
I do love the advice
"If you stay in it's your problem, if you go out it's their problem" spot on.

Londonisnotcalling · 25/05/2022 07:39

I’d text her to say i’d be out all day, but if she wants to arrive earlier to let DH know as he will have to leave work to let her in.

SeasonFinale · 25/05/2022 07:41

I love the go out and silence their call so she has to call DH to let her in idea.

PamelaD00ve · 25/05/2022 07:45

Dh's brother and wife do this. And if you manage to wangle a time window out of them, they're invariably hours later.

When they do stay, they're also unable to commit to what their plans or expectations are so I'm left not knowing whether to carry on with all the usual responsibilities/plans/clubs without them or to clear our schedule for a family day. Any attempt to pin them down results in them acting like I'm a joyless stick in the mud.

They generally are quite self absorbed and inconsiderate.

emmathedilemma · 25/05/2022 07:45

YANBU I have a set of friends who do this, it can be the morning they’re travelling and I still don’t know if they’ll be here in time for dinner or not (cos obviously I’ll be able to feed 4 extra people with no prior warning!). Yet, they’re the first to complain when they host something and people mess about with plans or don’t confirm. Now the kids are older I’ve started messaging them to ask when they’ll be arriving!

Moodycow78 · 25/05/2022 07:46

I wouldn't get worked up about it Tbh. Just go about your day as normal, if they arrive when you're not there they'll need to wait, bet they let you know next time.

MrsDamonSalvatore · 25/05/2022 07:48

Absolutely do your own thing and don’t stay in on the off chance they turn up. If they can’t be arsed to tell you, why should you bend over backwards for them? If you’re out when they turn up, tough luck. Do this every time they visit and maybe they’ll get the message, otherwise you’re just being a doormat for them. If they turn up and you’re out, don’t rush back either, they can get a coffee somewhere and wait for you.

saraclara · 25/05/2022 07:54

ImplementingTheDennisSystem · 25/05/2022 07:31

Agree OP.
My inlaws have never once taken 2 minutes out of their day to text us to say "we've just left, should be with you at 12ish".
So we sit around twiddling our thumbs, getting the house ready, preparing food. We don't know if we should walk our dog, or wait and take their dog too. We don't know if we have time to get something helpful done - like the weekly food shop.
Then they bowl up the driveway without a care in the world, big grins on their faces, HOURS AND HOURS later than the time that we might anticipate.
I think it's plain rude.

Why do you not text or call them to find it when they're coming/whether they've set off?

I'm astounded at the lack of pro-activeness on this thread. Just as it would only take them two minutes to let you know, it would take two minutes of your time to ask them.

I don't know why people would rather spend the day angry and resentful rather than just ask.

IamnotSethRogan · 25/05/2022 08:00

Can't you just text MIL asking her to text/ you when she's leaving as you might want to pop out ?

bigbluebus · 25/05/2022 08:04

I don't think I've ever had anyone come to stay or even visit who haven't given us an ETA and updated us en route if they get held up. I definitely wouldn't be wasting a day stuck in the house if they're not coming until the evening. Just arriving as you please (unless there's a good reason to do this which has previously been agreed with the host) is just rude.