To think it's polite to let people know roughly when you intend to arrive when staying with someone?

[mummabubs]

I don't mean like to the minute or anything, even "morning, early afternoon" etc would do! DH's family come to stay with us a few times a year, they live 200 miles away so it's not like we're down the road and they stay two nights each time. They will tell us a day they're coming (not ask when is good for us, but tell us(!)) and then don't bother to say when they're coming at all during the day. The few times they have been pinned to a time they've then consistently arrived hours later and not communicated that they're running late.

Current example is that SiL and her friend who we've never met are coming to stay at ours as they're going to an event tomorrow evening in the city we live in (I don't mind them staying to save on a hotel fee, I'm not a complete arsehole). However we've heard nothing about when she's planning to get here. DH is at work all day so it's me and two young DC + the dog at home. I said to DH this evening I think it's inconsiderate to not even say at all when she's planning to get here as it means I don't know whether I can go out tomorrow or when to walk the dog, whether they'll be joining us for any meals etc. DH won't contact her to ask and says his family just work differently to mine (I was brought up to always give people some indication when hosting of when you intend to arrive, I still do it with my parents now as an adult). I've said I think it's rude as it implies that my time is less valuable than hers so I can jusy fit around her plans as she decides them. I leaning towards just going out during the day and if they happen to get here and I'm not there to let them in then that's her fault for not communicating at all. (In the past she's literally called to say "surprise, I'm on the motorway heading to see you" so I don't respond well to visitors when I'm not expecting them!) 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think it's just being considerate / polite in these situations to let someone know in advance roughly when you plan to leave/ arrive?

I'd text SIL and say " I'll be in and out during the day, what's your ETA?".
If there's no response just go about your day as normal.
If they have to wait outside for an hour or two it's on them because they haven't communicated.
You take control, don't leave it to your DH.

Wondered if this post was my parents who I had a go at for doing exactly this. Came to visit last week and took ages to get them to confirm days and approx times. It's rude. As others have said make it a them problem go about your normal life. I get very anxious and I can't go about my day to day life.

This is so rude. Such pleb behaviour . I would go out on that day and let them hang around for you the way they make you hang a round for them.

Yes I DO know people (okay a relative and her partner) like this and it's annoying, especially in this day and age of mobile phones, no excuse for it.
Fitting in everything, plus my animals/anxiety I need some kind of idea.
So I always do the "I need to go out" thing now.
What really annoys me is they are always glued to their smartphones but somehow can't master a simple "Hope to be with you around midday" text.

I like to know as well from a menu planning perspective. Beds, clean towels etc I will make up the day before, but not knowing if someone is coming for lunch and/or dinner really grinds my gears.

I would suggest you ask them to text when they are actually leaving. Otherwise the ETA could be out as in the past.
Something like
Can you text as you are leaving otherwise I can’t guarantee I will be home when you get here.

I wouldn't be asking her when she's planning on arriving, I'd be telling her I was out all day and not back before a certain time. Then the day's yours.

I'm not the best time keeper but I always let people know my ETA. I would not accept people just staying without notice or being invited though!

They obviously think you are sitting in your bum wringing your hands with excitement at the very thought of seeing them. Self-centred sods. I’d go out and stay out.

My parents are older and mainly housebound - I still update them on my arrival time, even though they are obviously going to be in!

I leaning towards just going out during the day and if they happen to get here and I'm not there to let them in then that's her fault for not communicating at all.

That should be what you do every time, for any of them that don't give you an arrival time. Just go about your day as normal. Do not text to tell them your plans - they have not done this for you, so it's not expected.

If they arrive when you aren't there, so be it. Don't rush home. Don't commit to a time. Text back, "At work (or soft play, or dentist, whatever)." Do not mention a time when you'll be home.

Just let go of your need to be there and have everything ready. Stop playing that game.

This isn't to 'punish' them. It's for you. So that their rude behaviour stops winding you up. They may never change their ways, but it won't affect you in the same way.

Well she passed away a few years ago, my dad always calls to say he is leaving.

They used to call in on the way to my brother's, Lancashire - to me in Wolves - brother in Cornwall. I would call my brother when they left.

This would give me the rage. Tbh I'd just ring her the day before and say "what's your plan tomorrow? I need to know as I'm in and out all day". Obviously you shouldn't have to do this, but I couldn't just sit back worrying about it.

If DH thinks this is OK, DH needs to be the one to sit in all day waiting.

It's a minor annoyance

The whole thing would piss me off.
Next time, tell them it's not convenient for them to visit.
This time go about your day as you normally would then they'll have to wait if you're out.
Your dh can pay for a meal out/ takeaway on the day they arrive if they need feeding and they can chip in.
If they suddenly turn up, dh goes and does extra shopping and you go about your days as you ordinarily would.

Yeah, definitely ruin your relationship with your guests because of a mild irritation!

Get a keysafe, get on with your day. They will text when they arrive, text back number for keysafe.
Or, depending where you live, leave key under plantpot. I would have no issue with doing this.

Yanbu. Really rude.
Ask them 48hrs before when they are likely to arrive. If they don't get back to you just go about your day as normal. They may learn a lesson when they're locked out.

Oh I hate this! Not family, but a friend does the exact same thing. They say they'll be here on x day but not what time.

Last weekend, I'd gone away with a different friend and saw a missed call from inconsiderate friend. I called them back, they said 'hello Hat, you at home?'. I said no, I was 100 miles away and they went ballistic on the phone saying they were ten minutes from my house! I suggested that if they'd phoned or sent me a text beforehand then the situation could have been avoided 😆

Go out! Do not wait in for them. What a waste of your time. Very rude!

We’re a I’ll let you know when I’m leaving kind of family so I do get what DH means about families working in different ways. My brother is late for everything which we joke about. I don’t think it’s a manners or respect issue.

I think the birthday issue is another matter entirely. That’s odd and YANBU about that.

Always a give an ETA, and update as necessary. People can't be expected to just be ready to 'receive' you at your convenience...

Please do not leave, lend or give a key to your in-laws, if you do they will have it copied as soon as possible, and they will not respect your home or your things as they obviously don't respect you.

Do you visit these people as often as they visit you OP? If not - probably with the exception of his actual parents - can you email each one of them, and say that actually you are getting far too many visits from their family as a whole, that you appreciate that you live in a handy area for x, y, and z, but unfortunately you are finding the collection of visits too much, and that your home cannot be available to them whenever it suits.

You can tell them that you don't want anymore surprise visits, and that if they wish to make a surprise visit they need to have arranged accommodation elsewhere eg aTravel Lodge, or Premier Inn. You can be truthful and say that your husband does not agree with you you telling them these things, as it embarrasses him and makes him feel awkward, but that it is also your home, and all the visits are making you feel anxious and uncomfortable in your own home.

You can add (if it is true, but please don't if it is not true) that you love them, and really enjoy seeing them when you have had at least - let's say - 2 weeks or a months - notice, so you can make any plans that you OP feel are necessary, and that will help you to enjoy their visit. You could also say that you understand that they don't mean any of their visits to make you uncomfortable, but even if they offer to make up their own beds when they arrive, and will buy and cook their own food, you are still left feeling extremely stressed by the unexpectedness of having guests in your home.

If they accept all of that, you can thank them for their understanding, and say that you are looking forward to seeing them at any future date and times arranged between the both of you.

If they don't accept that, then you will need to enlist the 'help' of your husband (aka do what he should have done in the first place as they are his relatives, and they are making you miserable), and get him to tell them exactly the same thing as you have, but definitely including his parents this time - unless they are much more considerate than the rest of his family, or are, and always have been, both brilliant parents to your husband for his entire life, and now to you as well, now that you are their DiL.

If your husband refuses to do this, then I am afraid I have to use the well worn phrase that

"you have a DH problem, rather than an in-law problem".

Good luck with getting this sorted OP, dealing with in-laws is far too often one of the biggest causes of arguments within a partnership - and I am an in-law myself now who tries to be as supportive as possible, but without becoming overbearing or a burden. I am sure that I don't get it right all of the time! I just hope that someone will point out to me when I have overstepped the mark, so that I can apologise, and try to get it right in the future.

Definitely go about your day.

I'd even be tempted to "miss the call" when they first ring because you're busy.

People behave this way towards others with a "it's just the way we are" because others let them.

They will start giving times when they realise you won't just be there waiting with bated breath every time they announce their arrival will be on X day.

In the past I've contacted them to try and get rough schedules etc but I've said to DH I'm sick of doing it so feel either he should do it or they should contact us, I don't feel I should have to chase them every time

You really are biting off your nose to spite your face. Sending a text would take far less time than posting on MN. Copy and paste this this day she’s due:

“Looking forward to seeing you later. I’ve got a few errands to run, so won’t be around all day. What time do you think you will get here?”