To think it's polite to let people know roughly when you intend to arrive when staying with someone?

[mummabubs]

I don't mean like to the minute or anything, even "morning, early afternoon" etc would do! DH's family come to stay with us a few times a year, they live 200 miles away so it's not like we're down the road and they stay two nights each time. They will tell us a day they're coming (not ask when is good for us, but tell us(!)) and then don't bother to say when they're coming at all during the day. The few times they have been pinned to a time they've then consistently arrived hours later and not communicated that they're running late.

Current example is that SiL and her friend who we've never met are coming to stay at ours as they're going to an event tomorrow evening in the city we live in (I don't mind them staying to save on a hotel fee, I'm not a complete arsehole). However we've heard nothing about when she's planning to get here. DH is at work all day so it's me and two young DC + the dog at home. I said to DH this evening I think it's inconsiderate to not even say at all when she's planning to get here as it means I don't know whether I can go out tomorrow or when to walk the dog, whether they'll be joining us for any meals etc. DH won't contact her to ask and says his family just work differently to mine (I was brought up to always give people some indication when hosting of when you intend to arrive, I still do it with my parents now as an adult). I've said I think it's rude as it implies that my time is less valuable than hers so I can jusy fit around her plans as she decides them. I leaning towards just going out during the day and if they happen to get here and I'm not there to let them in then that's her fault for not communicating at all. (In the past she's literally called to say "surprise, I'm on the motorway heading to see you" so I don't respond well to visitors when I'm not expecting them!) 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think it's just being considerate / polite in these situations to let someone know in advance roughly when you plan to leave/ arrive?

Would you really though? Genuinely.

I see so many 'I would say...' suggestions on MN threads (usually passive aggressive in tone) that could only ever lead to conflict or ill feeling between friends and relatives. I struggle to believe anyone would actually use them IRL.

That's a lovely way to start a weekend with house guests.

Rest assured I don't plan to adopt this approach 😂 Still haven't heard anything so am just going about my day!

Of course not. Her time is way more important than something as menial as actually reading what you're about to tritely reply to.

Arseholes gonna arsehole!

Almost as lovely as someone from a disrespectful family and her feckless mate landing whenever the fuck they want.

Just go about your day op.
It's rude. DH's family have form for this. It happened to us recently. DH wouldn't ring them to see what time they were arriving, because making plans is not what they "do" in their family. I ended up buying enough food for lunch and dinner as I had no idea when they would show up. They ended up not showing at all, no phone call, nothing!

Oh LouLou198, I feel you. I'd have bought stuff in for lunch and dinner too in that position. I'm guessing there was no apology either as they didn't realise they'd inconvenienced you.

Still not a peep! I'm resisting the urge to ask DH if he thinks she's even coming 🤣

The onus is on the visitor, I would be out all day if she's too rude to give some idea.

We always ask for a broad ETA and then a more precise idea when they're close. It's often a call along the lines, We're coming through Blank, put the kettle on!

I'd have thought that it's down to the person whose day is most affected by having or not having the information, who should make sure s/he gets it.
So having the initial discussion when the first plan is made (So what time do you reckon you'll want to get here?), and then following it up with "still planning to get here at about 3? Great, because I've got bits and bobs to do, but I'll make sure I'm home then. Just let me know if anything changes" is surely just common sense?

If you're dealing with really flakey people and you know who's likely to be driving, calling the passenger to ask how the journey's going doesn't hurt. Again, I'd do it because it suits me to. Who 'should' do it is academic. I'm not going to cut my nose off to spite my face.

Just live your usual life. If they spend an hour on your doorstep in the rain, that's you cue to say "Ohl what a shame!|If only you'd let me know when you were coming I'd have warned you I wouldn't be back till 5. Now, about dinner; it's just me and the kids tonight so its baked beans. But if you're hungry there's a very nice pub in the village".

DH';s family are rude and inconsiderate; just don't pander to them. Don't wait your own ,meals for them or make a special meal. " We've already had our lunch, SIL but don't worry, there's always a pizza and icecream in the freezer."

"Oh what a l;ovely surprise to see you! I'm afraid we're just going out with friends, but if you haven't eaten there's a pizza in the freezer, and cold ham in the fridge, help yourselves."

Just keep feeding them pizza and icecream, every time.

@saraclara oh we phone, and text, and leave a voicemail, but they don't answer. They are impossible to pin down.

Oh dear. You're stuffed then. I'll get back in my box!

My in laws do this. I find it really annoying. If I try to pin them down, they merrily say they have no idea as it depends what time they get up. Which is surely is a controllable thing?

Occasionally they're late so we have to leave as the kids have a school match. When we get the inevitable why weren't you at home, we say that we tried to call them on their mobiles. And again, they quite smugly say that we wouldn't have been able to get hold of them on their mobiles as they're turned off.

Yes, and that is why we'd left but couldn't tell you to come straight to the match....aaaghh.

They live some distance away so surely could text or call as they're leaving at least. If they say in the morning, it's ranged from 8.30 to 1.

My MIL is like this and it drives me nuts - very little notice of visits, no eta, no idea how long she's staying.
My parents are excellent visitors in this regard - dates worked out weeks/months in advance, train times supplied or regular updates if they're driving, and always a phone call half an hour out to make sure I've got the kettle on!

What's worse is if they tell you a completely different time. My father had a habit of leaving at the time he was supposed to arrive.

Before I realised this, I was left panicking when he was 2 hours late once and I couldn't contact him (he lived 2 hours away and never answered his mobile). I ended up checking accident data on the motorway. He couldn't understand how I was in any way miffed because he was coming down to help me out with something.

Yes it's infuriating but it's a pattern that they're clearly not going to change. The turning up unannounced though is definitely not on.

My auntie has form for this, it drives my mother absolutely scatty. We literally assume when arranging to meet with them now that they'll never arrive within 1-1.5 hours of whatever time we agree so we consciously leave late.

In the end I got DH to contact her, turns out they were already in the city 'seeing the sights' and had decided to eat out, so no food needed. (Thankfully I hadn't bought any so none wasted). They're not back yet, no idea whether they're going to come straight home but I've said DH can wait up to let them in as they don't have a key (and we wouldn't ever leave one loose outside). DH is genuinely being a bit gnarly with me for suggesting again that I think this behaviour is either lacking in manners or inconsiderate. He says it isn't, but I'm sticking to my guns on this one 😅

Well done

DH is genuinely being a bit gnarly with me for suggesting again that I think this behaviour is either lacking in manners or inconsiderate.

If he thinks that, he can be the one to deal with it. Every single time.

Indeed. His circus, his monkeys.

I hope they got back really late, then your husband might not be so carefree about the time they arrive next time, if he had to wait up hours after he wanted to go to bed.

Yanbu

Your DH and his family are rude and inconsiderate as it assumes that you will stay in all day waiting for an unknown time they will turn up wanting to be let straight in and that you have food ready to cook for them any time over this 12 hour period. It's ridiculous as you have DCs and a busy life, even if you didn't why should you wait in all day and all evening?

Glad you left DH to sort them out. I'd too be leaving ready meals in freezer, going about my usual day and leaving DH to it. He can sort out his poorly mannered family.

The more you go about your daily business, the more they get inconvenienced by having to wait and chase DH whilst he is at work if they turn up when you're out, the more they'll realise they are causing this problem for themselves

"Shame you didn't tell me what time you were coming as I could have arranged to be in for that hour and cooked you something... all it would take is a text with some notice"