To think it's polite to let people know roughly when you intend to arrive when staying with someone?

[mummabubs]

I don't mean like to the minute or anything, even "morning, early afternoon" etc would do! DH's family come to stay with us a few times a year, they live 200 miles away so it's not like we're down the road and they stay two nights each time. They will tell us a day they're coming (not ask when is good for us, but tell us(!)) and then don't bother to say when they're coming at all during the day. The few times they have been pinned to a time they've then consistently arrived hours later and not communicated that they're running late.

Current example is that SiL and her friend who we've never met are coming to stay at ours as they're going to an event tomorrow evening in the city we live in (I don't mind them staying to save on a hotel fee, I'm not a complete arsehole). However we've heard nothing about when she's planning to get here. DH is at work all day so it's me and two young DC + the dog at home. I said to DH this evening I think it's inconsiderate to not even say at all when she's planning to get here as it means I don't know whether I can go out tomorrow or when to walk the dog, whether they'll be joining us for any meals etc. DH won't contact her to ask and says his family just work differently to mine (I was brought up to always give people some indication when hosting of when you intend to arrive, I still do it with my parents now as an adult). I've said I think it's rude as it implies that my time is less valuable than hers so I can jusy fit around her plans as she decides them. I leaning towards just going out during the day and if they happen to get here and I'm not there to let them in then that's her fault for not communicating at all. (In the past she's literally called to say "surprise, I'm on the motorway heading to see you" so I don't respond well to visitors when I'm not expecting them!) 🤦🏻‍♀️

AIBU to think it's just being considerate / polite in these situations to let someone know in advance roughly when you plan to leave/ arrive?

I really don’t understand why you think it’s ok for his family to treat your home like a free hotel?

If his sister wants to visit an attraction in your city, she can book a hotel like everyone else. 🤷🏻‍♀️

We’re visiting my adult DC next month and we’re staying in a hotel because they live in a small flat and I don’t want to impose.

It’s your home, you don’t have to put up with their silly nonsense. The world won’t explode if you set clear boundaries.

I have absolutely no time (no pun intended) for this game now. They have probably got used to you accommodating this behaviour and it will, in all likelihood, meet with some resistance if you finally put in a boundary.

Slightly different but I had a friend who was always late turning up with some excuse or other. Very difficult to challenge because the excuses were usually viable and difficult to disprove. What did it for me was the BS she came up with trying to change the arrival time to suit herself when we were meeting with another friend. Told her we were going ahead without her and to meet us there. Miraculously the BS excuse disappeared and she did turn up on time! She was trying it on. We're no longer friends as she didn't like being held to account for her entitled attitude and the friendship fizzled out.

It's very entitled to assume other people will wait around for you but boundaries need to be set sooner rather than later as we teach others how to treat us. Good luck with the inlaws!

I can't imagine a family member traveling a long way to an event in my town and not wanting to put them up if I have room. I'd be pretty sad if they booked other accommodation. If they asked to stay I wouldn't consider that I was being 'used as a hotel' at all. I'd be glad to see them.

OP hasn't mentioned only living in a tiny flat and doesn't seem to have any objection to then staying at all. That's not the issue here.

Just to add people like this don't think about politeness, they're too busy arranging their lives to suit themselves. You don't exist in this scenario.

Thanks for the replies all, it's validating to see the general consensus is that people would expect some communication around when they plan to arrive, as DH has implied it's my family that are overly sensitive by letting eachother know in advance when we plan to arrive and messaging before we leave etc.

Sorry for not individually tagging, but to respond to a few general points:

• I'm not worried about today, just annoyed by the general theme of them never thinking about how their behaviour might impact on others.

• I've spent 8 years being the one to chase and message so I feel I've done my share of it. DH doesn't do any of the general preparation either (ie making sure we have clean bedding or food in etc) so asking him to be the one to co-ordinate with his own family feels fair to me. :)

• We see them far more regularly, every 4-6 weeks or so and I always make sure either myself or DH has let them know when to expect us.

• I won't deliberately be out all day, but I'm definitely going to act as if they're not coming unless they alert me to being en route.

• It plays out in leaving as well, my PiL have told us in the past they're coming for the weekend so I've bought food in to cover it and then they've announced on Saturday afternoon that they've decided they're going to go home early and not stay a second night. Someone else mentioned their SiL bringing their child with them... Mine brings both of hers too so I can empathise!

I'm used to this being the situation with us, I guess my AIBU was more me trying to establish whether letting people know what time you're planning on being with them is the 'done' thing as DH's attitude to it had left me wondering!

This is a great suggestion - if SIL is still non-committal with timings, I would go about with my day. If she arrives and you're not there then that's her fault for being disorganised. Communication is two way process.

FWIW you're not being unreasonable. It annoys me when you agree a time and then someone turns up early or late - as you say, it implies your time is less valuable than theirs.

So you are waiting in for an untracked parcel! Really annoying. Leave dh phone number hanging out the letter box. Get on with your day.

It's so rude. My DHs family is exactly the same! We live 3 hours from them, on the rare occasion they come to us a time is never communicated. We have to wait around all day until they decide to show up.

WHY DO YOU NOT ASK THEM WHAT TIME THEY'RE ARRIVING?!

Sorry to yell but this thread is doing my head in. I don't know of most people here are incredibly passive, or if they actually want something to be angry about, so instead of taking a minute to ask a simple question, they'd rather sit at home and get raging about something entirely unnecessarily.

The above was for @bambi1132 by the way, but I could tag a whole list of names.

@saraclara in my DP’s family’s case I do ask but do not get straight answers
often this sort of behaviour is ingrained and there is a refusal or inability for them to plan their day around their journey or whatever

so for example my sil knows she’s coming to stay, she wants to be there for tea time but nothing beyond that. She will get up in the morning and do her bits and bobs. It will get to midday. I will have text her but she won’t have packed the car with her stuff yet. She will reply with ‘leaving soon got some more stuff to sort out’. She will then end up leaving around 2pm and I will have given up and gone out. At 3.15pm she rings to say she is fifteen mins away. I then have to tell her I’m out.

@saraclara alternatively I will assume she is arriving around 3/4 as usual but she will decide that morning that she wants to make the most of the day. At 11am she will ring and ask what I’m up to. I will say ‘why?’ And she will say ‘just wondering, I’m nearly at yours but if you’re busy it’s fine’

then I feel bad because I’ve made plans. I carry on with my day but in the back of my head I know they’re just hanging around waiting to be let in/for me to get back.

Can’t you just text your sil and tell her you’re going out for a walk/visit to the park, and that she will just have to text you when she arrives and you’ll then make your way back home at that point. That might prompt her to give you a time.

If they travel any distance then it may be beyond their control when they arrive. 2 hour journey at the weekend took four and a half hours.

I would send a text saying, “I hope you don’t think I’m waiting around all day for you to arrive.”

Clearly you thrive on ill feeling.

I'd send a text saying "I'm going to be in and out today as I have errands to do. Can you let me know when you set off so I can make sure I'm here when you arrive?"

Very true as this has happened to us occasionally when travelling to see our families. If there's a big delay I always let them know so that they're not hanging about waiting for us.

“Hi SIL. Looking forward to seeing you tomorrow, I will be out from 9-2 so anytime after 3 is fine, shall I get us something nice for dinner or are you eating out?”

simple!

True but that isn't the issue.

Just to save people posting, thanks for the advice but I wasn't asking what I should do - I'm already aware that my main options are either go out, me contact her etc. 😊

My post was more about working out whether what I've considered 'normal etiquette' of letting people know what time roughly they should expect you is the commonly done thing as my DH didn't seem to think it was and couldn't really see why it is important or polite to do so.

My Dad is similar, he says he shouldn't have to tell me a time as he's my Dad. Once I quickly went out as I had to collect my DS from a Saturday football club and he arrived when I was doing that, he went to the pub to wait as it was raining and he said he could hardly get soaked standing on my doorstep. Tbh he is never going to change we (DH and I) laugh about this entitlement!

why dont you communicate with them directly?

Please see my previous post, I did address this point already 😊

@IsabelHerna have you even read the thread 🙈

YANBU - my BIL and his wife, live a 3 hour drive away from us. When we visit, and vice versa, we always tell each other in advance what time we are planning to leave (e.g. a couple days before - we are planning to leave just after breakfast, around 9am) - this gives the host a very rough ETA. During the journey, we update as to our progress (and obviously things, and traffic, get in the way - we may spend 40 minutes at a service station, instead of 20, for example).

It's not that hard to send a 20 second text on the way, and be polite. Even if travelling alone (so not able to text whilst driving), you could let the person know when you are about to leave, and then send a quick text if you stop somewhere. I've never known anyone to not do things like this, to be honest.