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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go to the inlaws

128 replies

Thecatswhiskers07 · 24/05/2022 22:24

My in laws have invited us round at the weekend for lunch as dh's sister is coming and lives in another part of the country.

I've recently returned to work after having dd. We've also got a 3 yo. Over the last few weeks, I've really struggled with juggling the pressures of work with children and home. Plus, having to bring work home and staying up late to do it after dc are asleep. I suffer with chronic anxiety anyway and recently I've started having panic attacks again (I used to get them) and nights of insomnia. I know I'm suffering from burn out and overtiredness.

Anyway, they want us to go round for lunch and I just really don't feel up to it. By the weekend, I just don't want to do much at all, let alone be all smiley and chatty with the in laws. It's not like I can go round and say I'm not feeling great, I just want to sit quietly. I've mentioned my recent difficulties in brief on accasion to my in laws in the last fews weeks and they don't say anything. I'm not expecting them to say much but they have not uttered one word. They just don't want to know about problems, everything has to be fine for them.

My DH and son will still go at the weekend but I don't want 10 month old dd going if I'm not going. Reason being, dh's sister is bringing her dogs who are a bit nuts and dd is crawling on everything atm. So that worries me. Also dd doesn't know dh's family very well and she's quite clingy and sensitive so doesn't cope well with different people.

My DH rang his parents to explain all this and his mum was very off with him. Her main concern was that dh's sister hadn't seen dd yet. That's true but that's been her choice. She could have come before (dd is 10 months now) but she's never shown any interest in her neice and nephew.

AIBU or should my in laws be a little more empathetic to my situation at present?

OP posts:
Topgub · 24/05/2022 22:27

Yanbu not to go if you feel unwell.

Yabu to say your dh can't take his kid.

Teeheehee1579 · 24/05/2022 22:28

I think absolutely fine for you not to go (believe me I empathise having been exactly where you are) but I am not surprised that they are put out for your DD not to be there - your DH will be more than capable I am sure of supervising her round dogs (and at that age it is par for the course). Let them all go and you stay at home.

ForensicFlossy · 24/05/2022 22:30

Agree with pp, let your dh take both dc and you enjoy the break.

Original poster
Thecatswhiskers07 · 24/05/2022 22:32

DH is taking ds. I suppose I'm anxious that DH will be distracted with ds (who has suspected ADHD and is full on) and catching up with his sister. An elderly relative is going who will need attention from the in laws. They'll also be cooking and flapping around in the kitchen (always happens). So I'm worried about dd being cared for, especially with the crazy dogs there too.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 24/05/2022 22:33

Oh, tough one. From their point of view it’s just lunch, with their daughter who visits really infrequently and they’d like everyone together. I think their reaction is predictable, even if that’s not what you’d like to hear.

I do sympathise with you because you sound on the edge, but I suppose I think it might have been better if you’d just ‘come over a bit peculiar’ on the day and needed to stay home with DD. Or offered to have SIL round to meet DD at your house (though I realise this is extra hosting!) It just will come across as unreasonable that you’re denying SIL the chance to meet her niece - regardless of whether you think she could have bothered before now, she’s here this weekend but she still won’t get the chance.

Can you speak to work about the bringing work home situation and stress resulting? Don’t struggle and burnout.

HSKAT · 24/05/2022 22:33

I'm sure your DH is capable of looking after DD. Dogs or no dogs.

NumberTheory · 24/05/2022 22:33

Agree with others about you not going being fine.

On the question of your DD, it seems a bit odd that you should just veto it. Does your DH feel capable of looking after her, even with her being clingy and with the dogs there? And if so, do you have any reason not to trust his judgment?

EmerLou · 24/05/2022 22:33

Seems a bit odd to me to say your daughter isn't close with DHs family... and then actively prevent them spending time together.

Lentil63 · 24/05/2022 22:33

You sound like the daughter in law of nightmares to me.
I think you’re being extremely unreasonable.

AgnesNaismith · 24/05/2022 22:33

OP YANBU, 10 month old babies are still very much a part of their mother’s bodies - that’s how it felt to me, anyway. There will be other days and other times. If they want to see your dd they can come to you.

declutteringmymind · 24/05/2022 22:33

On balance, let DH go with the children. You will have to trust them all with regards to the dogs. It sounds like your DH has already conveyed your worries.

The other alternative would be to invite the SIL to yours to visit the baby.

maddy68 · 24/05/2022 22:36

I would be so annoyed if my partner refused to go to see my family because he was "too tired". It's Sunday lunch go

Topgub · 24/05/2022 22:36

Its worrying you dint trust your dh to look after his own kids tbh.

Original poster
Thecatswhiskers07 · 24/05/2022 22:37

Please read my second comment which explains a little more.

Also dh's sister is coming down again in a couple of weeks to a music festival. She's treating DH and raking him so I thought she could meet dd then. They'll be no dogs or in-laws. It will just be her and that might be better.

I don't want to deny anyone seeing the children. I just get over anxious.

OP posts:
declutteringmymind · 24/05/2022 22:39

Also, as PP said, do recognise that your work stress is now contributing to family issues. If you were in a better place mentally, would you have attended?? If so, then maybe it's time to address the issues so you can enjoy family life more.

Trafficjamlog · 24/05/2022 22:39

OP YANBU, 10 month old babies are still very much a part of their mother’s bodies - that’s how it felt to me, anyway. There will be other days and other times. If they want to see your dd they can come to you

completely ridiculous 10 months olds aren’t part of their parents body, the OP is back at work and the baby has a father who can look after her perfectly well.

mummabubs · 24/05/2022 22:39

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all.

  1. At 10 months old your daughter is likely still primarily attached to you and you say she's not comfortable around your in-laws so it's likely to be stressful for her to be there without you. She's not a doll to be paraded around for other's enjoyment, I'm sure she can see them all another time. (

  2. As a dog owner and lover myself who also has a 4yo and a 13mo I'd never leave the kids unsupervised with dogs, especially with ones that are unfamiliar and excitable. Your DH is understandably not likely to be able to monitor the situation fully with another child to attend to plus wanting to catch up with his family.

breatheintheamazing · 24/05/2022 22:42

Would your answer be the same if it was your parents 🤔

Lou98 · 24/05/2022 22:45

Honestly you're making a lot of excuses for why you don't want your DD to go.
You don't feel up to going and that's absolutely fine, you have a lot going on. However, they're your Husband's family, if he wants to take her to see them then you shouldn't be telling him he can't. You say they're not close but how can they be if you're preventing her going?

She won't just be around people she isn't familiar with, she will have her Dad there, she will be fine. Your DH can ask SIL to put the dogs in another room while they're there so your DD can crawl about.
I have two dogs who are calm and great around my Son but if I have friends coming over with their kids I always put them in another room so they don't have to worry.

How does your DH feel? Does he want to take DD?

girlmom21 · 24/05/2022 22:46

You can't stop him taking his own children to see his own family.

The fact you've said you don't feel like being smiley and social at a weekend stands out to me too. If you're managing it in the week you can manage it for your family. If you can't, it's work that's the problem, not the in laws or the dogs.

Holly60 · 24/05/2022 22:48

Ahh OP it's such a tough one. I can totally see your point of view but I think this is one of those occasions where you really need to make a bit of an effort.

Is it possible for you to go for just a little bit- either before or after lunch? Or go for lunch but head off soon after?

It sounds like it's a bit of a special occasion so I can understand your MIL feeling sad you and DD aren't going.

HeddaGarbled · 24/05/2022 22:48

Do you think it’s possible that you might actually enjoy it? I understand that you are struggling at the moment, but it is a normal thing to do to socialise at weekends, especially when a relative you don’t see very often is visiting locally.

It might actually do you some good to go and have some light-hearted chit chat and a bit of enforced sitting in a chair not doing anything whilst being cooked for by someone else. You don’t have to be little miss chatty. You can relax and let the family do the heavy conversational lifting.

You’ve still got the rest of the weekend for your quiet recuperation.

Obviously, you’ve got a lot of pressure on you at the moment, and you should talk to your husband about that and think hard about what you need to change, but I’d be very wary of cutting yourself off from socialising as I think that can be a real downward spiral.

saraclara · 24/05/2022 22:53

they're your Husband's family, if he wants to take her to see them then you shouldn't be telling him he can't. You say they're not close but how can they be if you're preventing her going?

That. You not letting him take your dd is your anxiety speaking. And the result is you being controlling.
If he wants to take her to visit her grandma and auntie, then he can. He's her dad. He simply asks for the dogs to be in another room if she's crawling about.

TokyoSushi · 24/05/2022 22:54

OP you sound really stressed and I'm not sure you're thinking rationally about the situation. I think your choices really are to suck it up and go, or if you really can't face it, let DH take both of the DC.

I do this sometimes, make up all sorts of excuses and reasons why not in my head, but if you actually get on and do the thing, it's usually ok.

MarvellousMay · 24/05/2022 22:58

It’s just lunch. I also think you should try and go. Just agree a time you will leave with your DH so you know it will just be a couple of hours.

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