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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go to the inlaws

128 replies

Thecatswhiskers07 · 24/05/2022 22:24

My in laws have invited us round at the weekend for lunch as dh's sister is coming and lives in another part of the country.

I've recently returned to work after having dd. We've also got a 3 yo. Over the last few weeks, I've really struggled with juggling the pressures of work with children and home. Plus, having to bring work home and staying up late to do it after dc are asleep. I suffer with chronic anxiety anyway and recently I've started having panic attacks again (I used to get them) and nights of insomnia. I know I'm suffering from burn out and overtiredness.

Anyway, they want us to go round for lunch and I just really don't feel up to it. By the weekend, I just don't want to do much at all, let alone be all smiley and chatty with the in laws. It's not like I can go round and say I'm not feeling great, I just want to sit quietly. I've mentioned my recent difficulties in brief on accasion to my in laws in the last fews weeks and they don't say anything. I'm not expecting them to say much but they have not uttered one word. They just don't want to know about problems, everything has to be fine for them.

My DH and son will still go at the weekend but I don't want 10 month old dd going if I'm not going. Reason being, dh's sister is bringing her dogs who are a bit nuts and dd is crawling on everything atm. So that worries me. Also dd doesn't know dh's family very well and she's quite clingy and sensitive so doesn't cope well with different people.

My DH rang his parents to explain all this and his mum was very off with him. Her main concern was that dh's sister hadn't seen dd yet. That's true but that's been her choice. She could have come before (dd is 10 months now) but she's never shown any interest in her neice and nephew.

AIBU or should my in laws be a little more empathetic to my situation at present?

OP posts:
sleepygal · 25/05/2022 07:13

A580Hojas · 25/05/2022 05:26

"Why dies the OP have to jump to attention when MIL snaps her fingers"

Pmsl. Mil has invited them all to lunch ffs. I bet op's dh would be disappointed NOT to receive an invitation if he rarely sees his sister. What tf was Mil supposed to do? Just ignore op and her dh?

What's pmsl??

Anyway I was referring to MIL wanting OP to put in an appearance so SiL can see the baby. It's not about lunch. SiL can get herself over to her brothers house to see the children if she's that interested. But it seems the MIL is putting pressure on the OP.

RedHelenB · 25/05/2022 07:19

Topgub · 24/05/2022 22:27

Yanbu not to go if you feel unwell.

Yabu to say your dh can't take his kid.

This. I'm sure he's capable of looking after his own children and if he isn't then your MIL is there to help our too. Plus the dog can be shut away .You're letting your anxiety make mountain's out of molehills.

Lilililili · 25/05/2022 07:20

I completely understand OP Flowers
I don't think you're BU at all. You're right- it would help you very much if your in-laws were understanding enough that you could be honest with them about how you're feeling- but they're not. Since they aren't empathetic, you are within your right to protect yourself (and your DD). I'd just keep repeating that you're sadly not well enough this particular weekend but will arrange for this and that alternative date instead. Anyone who truly cared about you and your DD would be empathetic and would not want to force it x

CafeNervosa · 25/05/2022 07:21

ittakes2 · 25/05/2022 06:34

Please google inattentive adhd and see if this makes sense to you. ADHD can be hereditary and people born as females often have inattentive adhd where they have a hyperactive mind rather than the physically hyperactive type. Poor sleep, sensory overload, struggling to manage time and feeling over whelmed can be part of it. Undiagnosed severe anxiety is common.

OP, I was going to say this too. ADHD has strong hereditary links. I’m 35 and currently starting assessment based on overwhelm that led to depression and anxiety. The idea of looking after my two children and returning to work was too much for me to process and I know I’m going to struggle.

if you read about it, you’ll know if it sounds like you.

girlmom21 · 25/05/2022 07:21

But it seems the MIL is putting pressure on the OP.

She's not. She's not that bothered about whether the OP is there. It's DD she wants to see and OP who doesn't trust her DH to look after his own children all by himself - even though there'll be at least 3 other adults present.

Lilililili · 25/05/2022 07:22

I also don't think it's overly anxious at all to want to have one parent per child on hand when there's crazy dogs around

OnceuponaRainbow18 · 25/05/2022 07:27

You do whatever you feel happy and comfortable with. I think your OH and Ds going is a good compromise!

Bumpitybumper · 25/05/2022 07:33

I think this lunch with the in-laws has just highlighted structural issues in your life that you really need to tackle.

You sound quite obviously overwhelmed. Overwhelmed by work, overwhelmed by the demands of two young children (one with possible SEN) and overwhelmed by your anxiety. Presumably you spend virtually all of your time either working in a challenging environment with difficult children or parenting your own children who are at hard ages and may have additional needs. If you are unable to leave your DH with both children for any length of time, then by default you are not really going to get a break. You are heading to burn out, if you're not already there.

The in-laws are completely reasonable to invite you to lunch and want to see you as a family. This is normal and not excessively demanding. It feels unreasonable to you due to the stress you are experiencing in other aspects of your life and rather than seeing this clearly, you are pinning all your anxiety and overwhelm on your poor PILs. They are unintentionally the straw that is breaking the camel's back.

You need to get to the root of the problems in your life and try to tackle them as best you can, otherwise any request on your time or energy is going to feel excessive. This is incredibly unhealthy and unsustainable for you but also terrible for your children and DH.

Shelby2010 · 25/05/2022 07:36

What’s the Mumsnet phrase - it’s an invitation not a summons? You’re an adult, you can decide not to go.

DH doesn’t particularly want to take both DC - it’s only because SIL hasn’t made the effort in the past 10 mths to meet DD that MIL is pressuring him. Presumably SIL isn’t that bothered either - except that it’s more convenient for her.

Finally if OP has recently gone back to work, then DD will have started nursery, so maybe DD would actually prefer a day at home with her mum, rather than being meeting more new people.

OP, I second a previous poster’s suggestion of reading up to see if you have ADHD yourself.

Freddiefox · 25/05/2022 07:48

Aubriella · 25/05/2022 06:27

I think lots of people are missing the fact OP’s in laws seem to have very little regard for her.

Do they even know the ops concerns? I wonder if the see op often to understand what’s going on in their lives and if they are held at arms length.

op, leave ds with you, and dh takes dd. Everyone’s happy

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 25/05/2022 07:56

It's really pathetic you won't let your childrens dad take them to see his family.

ProclivityForPyrotechnics · 25/05/2022 07:59

@sleepygal it means Pissing myself laughing

angstridden2 · 25/05/2022 08:04

Bumpitybumper Excellent post and completely agree that OP is pinning her stress levels on poor PILs. Personally I’d love someone to cook me lunch and there should be sufficient adults present to help with children. If they don’t know how stressed she is they can’t empathise and hopefully lend a hand.have a chat to MIL, unless she’s an ogre I’m sure she’ll understand and perhaps offer some help.

Ahurricaneofjacarandas · 25/05/2022 08:14

You are entitled to do what you want and spend time with who you want but 2 things..

  1. Not everyone has family that give a sh%t about them or their kids. I say this as someone who's in laws I've given up begging to be part of my child's life. I would think very carefully before you snub them which sorry is effectively what you're doing

  2. I do understand your concern about the dogs but if you don't trust your husband enough to keep your 10MO safe for a few hours then why did you choose to procreate with him? That's being a bit petty sorry

My in laws and I can't stand each other but I've never once made it difficult for them to see my kid and tbh if they invited us to dinner I'd make every effort to attend with smiles. I want to be able to look my child in the eye and tell her that they had every opportunity to get close to her

GlamorousHeifer · 25/05/2022 08:20

It's half term next week and as a teacher that surely means you have the full week off?
I dont think a couple of hours for a lunch is much to ask but clearly you're not up to it.
If it was me I would go knowing I had the whole of the following week to myself.

Sciurus83 · 25/05/2022 08:28

Topgub · 24/05/2022 22:27

Yanbu not to go if you feel unwell.

Yabu to say your dh can't take his kid.

Still this I'm afraid, even after all the updates. There are four adults, this is a good place for DH to start having both kids. Dogs can be outside or in another room or SIL keeps them on a lead around kids, her responsibility to manage them A few hours with no kids will be good for you. It will be fine, I bet you have both of them all the time, now you're back at work he has to learn, this is a good start. Enjoy some time alone.

Bobbins36 · 25/05/2022 08:31

Ideally suck it up and go, it’s only lunch. Or Husband takes both and deals with it, there’s family there to help. Apologise personally to your in-laws.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 25/05/2022 08:36

Tell your husband you are utterly exhausted to the point of burnout then let him take both kids. If he finds them difficult to manage then maybe he’ll be more sympathetic to you next time. I think a lot of mothers try to ‘manage’ these situations - keeping the younger child etc - when actually if it was the other way round you would take both and let him rest. I do it myself - trying to manage instead of admitting it’s too much. He’s the dad … let him worry about the dogs etc

Crazycrazylady · 25/05/2022 08:36

Honestly this all sounds a bit ridiculous to me. It sounds like you don't see dh s family that often. I get that you're tired, going back to work takes some getting used to. But it's only a couple of hours and you don't see her much . I'd suck it up and go along for your Dh s sake but that's just me.

Chamomileteaplease · 25/05/2022 08:43

YANBU

I find these replies hard to read, for your sake OP.

SIL's dogs (plural) are a bit nuts
There is an elderly relative needing attention
The OP's son has suspected ADHD, is three years old and needs attention

The OP knows these people, their ways and this house. I believe you OP that your ten month old baby may not be looked after properly.

How can you relax at home if you are worrying about your baby the whole time?

But you do need to look at your life and make some changes so that you can handle a teaching job, a three year old with special needs and a baby! Have you taken on too much? Does your DH do his fair share?

HereComesBaby2 · 25/05/2022 08:48

Your DH can take the children and you can have some well needed rest. You should trust your DH to look after his own children without your supervision. If you are capable of minding your children whilst attending family gatherings and not getting distracted, he should be too.

IfNoTwitterThenWhat · 25/05/2022 08:49

My OH had a mental health crisis after the kids were born, or rather shifted from being just about able to cope, to not coping. I tried to fix everything by doing what you are doing, putting on a brave face, picking up the slack, managing every situation. But it fell apart in the end. My heart goes out to you OP but this isn’t about a lunch, you need to sit down with DH and have a serious chat about coping. You sound on your last nerve. Take care

boronia · 25/05/2022 08:50

You sound incredibly anxious and tired and I understand that.
But I think you'd be better off going to supervise the baby because if you don't you'll be stressed the whole time your DH and the children are out.
Your SIL will meet the baby, you'll have lunch cooked for you and you can kept the baby off the floor with the dogs.
Do they live close? Are we only talking a couple of hours out of Sunday?
You can " sit quietly " on Saturday and all the rest of Sunday.
I hope everything calms down and your work/life balance evens out.

User354354 · 25/05/2022 08:58

You can't do that.

You don't have to go, but you can't keep the 10mo with you. That's incredibly unfair on the in-laws.

MrsDoubtfireForever · 25/05/2022 09:29

Justdontbejudgy · 24/05/2022 23:45

If you had a vomiting bug or similar you wouldn't go, our mental health is just as important. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone, if you don't feel up to it don't do it. You've recognised you're burning out so don't add fuel to that fire.

I'd maybe take the suggestion of your husband taking both kids and having that break. Even with the potential needs of your other kid, I'm sure he'll manage with the assistance of others just fine.

Have a rest, you'll feel the benefit. As someone who's been in similar position of late, take my word for it.

Show quote history

This is what I was thinking. People go on about mental health but they really don’t get it at all. You are reasonable to do what works.
ADHD here too and I would have felt exactly same as you re DH and dogs, switching off etc.

People saying you need to reassess your life. No! You’re a teacher! That’s so hard but also essential work. Please keep going as a career is vital to good mental health in my opinion.