I don't want to go to the inlaws

[Thecatswhiskers07]

My in laws have invited us round at the weekend for lunch as dh's sister is coming and lives in another part of the country.

I've recently returned to work after having dd. We've also got a 3 yo. Over the last few weeks, I've really struggled with juggling the pressures of work with children and home. Plus, having to bring work home and staying up late to do it after dc are asleep. I suffer with chronic anxiety anyway and recently I've started having panic attacks again (I used to get them) and nights of insomnia. I know I'm suffering from burn out and overtiredness.

Anyway, they want us to go round for lunch and I just really don't feel up to it. By the weekend, I just don't want to do much at all, let alone be all smiley and chatty with the in laws. It's not like I can go round and say I'm not feeling great, I just want to sit quietly. I've mentioned my recent difficulties in brief on accasion to my in laws in the last fews weeks and they don't say anything. I'm not expecting them to say much but they have not uttered one word. They just don't want to know about problems, everything has to be fine for them.

My DH and son will still go at the weekend but I don't want 10 month old dd going if I'm not going. Reason being, dh's sister is bringing her dogs who are a bit nuts and dd is crawling on everything atm. So that worries me. Also dd doesn't know dh's family very well and she's quite clingy and sensitive so doesn't cope well with different people.

My DH rang his parents to explain all this and his mum was very off with him. Her main concern was that dh's sister hadn't seen dd yet. That's true but that's been her choice. She could have come before (dd is 10 months now) but she's never shown any interest in her neice and nephew.

AIBU or should my in laws be a little more empathetic to my situation at present?

Completely unreasonable and very controlling not allowing your DD to go.

Your excuse for not going in the first place is a bit pathetic.

If you don't want to go, don't go (although i think you're making a lot of excuses to try and justify such an extreme reluctance to attend one lunch). You're an adult, nobody can force you to go.

But it is not remotely reasonable to say that your DH can't take one of his own children with him.

You're aware that you're suffering with clinical anxiety at the moment. You are trying to justify your irrational/extreme anxieties to yourself, and to us, and to your DH, by giving reasons for them, but you know deep down that they're irrational and a symptom of your mental health issues. I sympathise with your anxiety struggles (I've had similar struggles myself) and it's horrible to be going through that, but ultimately they are your struggles, not your DH's or your children's, and it's no fair to make your illness the centre of decisions about what your DH and children do.

It is normal for a man to take two children out at once. It is normal to take small children to a busy house with dogs. It is normal for a three year old to be very hard work. People manage these things day in, day out without a second thought and your DH is no different. There's nothing exceptional or unusual about any of this.

Yes, you will probably be anxious about it all day, but that's something you'll have to accept. It shouldn't be the reason your DH can't take his children to see his family.

She could have come before (dd is 10 months now) but she's never shown any interest in her neice and nephew.

Did you actually invite her to come and see your DD and get a no thank you? Or are you assuming she isn't interested because she hasn't asked to come? I ask this because my ex-SIL was of the opinion that I was 'not interested' in my nieces and nephews, when I had actually been under the impression that my interest wasn't actually wanted or welcome.

Your anxiety is the problem here-you’re overthinking potential situations with your daughter. Just let her go with her dad and chill with a good book if you don’t feel you want to go.

despite your older DCs issues, yabu to say your children's father can't take them on a family visit. The Inlaws are, presumably, capable of looking after the younger one a bit more etc.

yanbu to want a quiet day alone, and having no DCs around will facilitate that.

I have more sympathy since you added that you're a teacher. But still, I think you should go. It's just lunch and family is important. Don't stay too long but surely you can manage 2 hours. It's great that your husband is supportive, and that means he can support you while you are there as well.

Failing that, let your husband take your daughter. There will be other people to help look after them both.

I would prioritise doing something about your work situation as it sounds unsustainable, whether that is part time work or just take a break and do something else.

'Maybe I should just let DH take them both but I am anxious about it because he's never taken them anywhere as a two.'

He has to do it at some point or else he never will and will end up not wanting to / feeling confident enough to look after them on his own - and then you'll have created a whole other problem. He's their father, he's capable of looking after his own children.

I know everyone is different but my husband would be horrified if he felt that I thought he wasn't capable of looking after his own children.

You are that DIL, the one that will always find an excuse I think. You can stay home, let your DH take the kids. Why do you think he is incapable of looking after his own ids? A tad controlling arent you.

Thank you for everyone's comments.

I know my anxiety is the issue here with letting dd go. It doesn't help that my sil sees her dogs as her babies and won't see my worry. But one of the dogs is a rescue with an unpredictable nature and wears a muzzle when out. So yes, that makes me nervous for dd especially.

I do feel like my mil just wants my sil to see dd in their home. My DH did tell his mum last night that sil is very welcome to our house when she'll be coming down anyway the weekend after. Sil hasn't been down for maybe a year or two and then does two weekends in a row! We invited her to dd's dedication a few months ago but she couldn't come because of the dogs.

With work, I just think it's been a difficult adjustment. Teaching is demanding anyway and I'm just finding it even more so with little ones at home. However, I dont want to give it up (yet), I'm just hoping that I'll take it at a steadier pace gradually. I think because I've been out of it for a little while, I've gone back in throwing everything into it, full on adrenaline and consequently I'm already burnt out. Plus it's a year group I've not done before with behavioural problems and SEN.

I should add that I did also have pnd and pna on top of my existing anxiety so I'm sure that's possibly still playing a part in how things are now.

I see your MIL's position. She's trying to bring the family together...

I don't have anxiety or depression but if I were you I still wouldn't go to the in-laws due to all the reasons you listed. The SIL can come round the following weekends and everyone will eventually be alright with it.
Hope you feel better soon btw.

Just to add I wouldn't go or take DD with me due to the dogs, the burnout and DD's dependence.

OP don't go! But let your dd go - why not take advantage of the break from kids and dh and have a long bath, or do something 'just for you'.

When I stopped caring what in-laws thought of me my life got a hell of a lot easier. Sunday afternoons I looked forward to, when DH would bring dd and ds over to see them. And I'd get a couple of hours to myself, bliss, and no guilt.

I think some people are being unreasonably harsh in their responses. A 3 year old being on the pathway for ADHD diagnosis must be quite significant. The children I worked with who had 'severe' ADHD didn't get diagnosed until much later and I would worry about impulsivity around unpredictable dogs. I also would not want a baby around rescue dogs that needed a muzzle.

That said, I think you can (reasonably) ask that the dogs stay in a different room and not go yourself (as unwell with anxiety and need to rest), but I do not think it is reasonable at all that you can disallow your DH taking his own child to a family occasion. It is also unreasonable to imply he can't look after both his children by himself.

OP, you need to learn to let your DH parent his own children. There are going to be at least 4 other adults there. And if necessary your DH can ask that the dogs not be in the room where the DC are.

It is perfectly reasonable for your MIL to want to have lunch with her own DCs and grandchildren. And part of your therapy has to be trusting your DH. And not getting in the way of his and his DCs relationship with his parents.

Hmmm I don't think it's quite so simple. I probably suffer with anxiety too and that's why I'm sympathetic to OPs concerns but tbf there have been lots of news stories of late about small children being bitten by dogs. My husband also hasn't been out with both children yet who are similar ages. I don't find this quite so clearly 'irrational' as you make out. Also whether it is objectively irrational or not, OP feels this anxiety (I would very much feel it too) and deserves to be heard too. Never in a million years would I send my baby to a place with unpredictable dogs without me being there.

Also OP I think many people who say you're irrational might not actually realise what it's like with a child with ADHD or other SEN. The difference is huge.

YANBU - If it was me I'd let Dh take ds; cos it sounds like you'd just be stressed and worried if he took DD (so would I) so that would negate your time out.

Don't be swayed into doing something you don't want to do.

SIL sounds selfish anyway and so does MIL

I haven’t read all the thread so apologies in advance! In honesty, it sounds like you’re struggling at the moment. Therefore I think you need to focus on yourself and it’s up to your DH to ensure his parents understand that (or keep private if you feel better with that). At the same time try and get some help regarding the anxiety you’re experiencing. When you’re feeling bad it takes a huge amount of energy to engage in social events.
regarding your dd- I completely understand your worries but try and let your husband take her.
sending 💐

I think the IL's are trying to do something nice, ie providing lunch for their family. It's only one lunch. I think you are over thinking this, saying they don't understand your feelings. Your DP is able to take both children, if you don't want to go fine, don't, but don't spoil if for everyone else. They aren't being unreasonable by inviting their sons family over for lunch.

She seems to be trying to bring her blood family together. Ignoring your struggling DIL is not the right way to being everyone together.

Get professional support for your anxiety. Millions of people juggle jobs, small dc and family life. And ddogs.. Stay home should you wish to but allow dh to take his own dc to visit their family.

I don’t think it’s pathetic to be burnt out and want to decompress over the weekend. It doesn’t sound like it’s a regular thing where you’re refusing to see his family, you’re just asking for a weekend without obligation. Not a problem.

I don’t see why he can’t take your DD though. He should be as capable of handling the situation as you would be. Does it usually require the both of you to handle both children?

It does sound more like the pressure is coming from your MIL for your SIL to meet the baby, rather than because your SIL is desperate.

I would not even have told them the reason you cannot attend but would have just text them to say you and baby cannot make it as baby is poorly end of. Do not let them dictate to you and as you said the sis in law could have made an effort before. Enjoy your afternoon with your little one and stop worrying. Make sure your iron levels are ok as after having a baby mine were extremely low and I felt a wreck.