I don't want to go to the inlaws

[Thecatswhiskers07]

My in laws have invited us round at the weekend for lunch as dh's sister is coming and lives in another part of the country.

I've recently returned to work after having dd. We've also got a 3 yo. Over the last few weeks, I've really struggled with juggling the pressures of work with children and home. Plus, having to bring work home and staying up late to do it after dc are asleep. I suffer with chronic anxiety anyway and recently I've started having panic attacks again (I used to get them) and nights of insomnia. I know I'm suffering from burn out and overtiredness.

Anyway, they want us to go round for lunch and I just really don't feel up to it. By the weekend, I just don't want to do much at all, let alone be all smiley and chatty with the in laws. It's not like I can go round and say I'm not feeling great, I just want to sit quietly. I've mentioned my recent difficulties in brief on accasion to my in laws in the last fews weeks and they don't say anything. I'm not expecting them to say much but they have not uttered one word. They just don't want to know about problems, everything has to be fine for them.

My DH and son will still go at the weekend but I don't want 10 month old dd going if I'm not going. Reason being, dh's sister is bringing her dogs who are a bit nuts and dd is crawling on everything atm. So that worries me. Also dd doesn't know dh's family very well and she's quite clingy and sensitive so doesn't cope well with different people.

My DH rang his parents to explain all this and his mum was very off with him. Her main concern was that dh's sister hadn't seen dd yet. That's true but that's been her choice. She could have come before (dd is 10 months now) but she's never shown any interest in her neice and nephew.

AIBU or should my in laws be a little more empathetic to my situation at present?

YANBU. Your family under your roof comes first, as do your own health needs. I was made to go overseas with same age kids by in-laws to see father-in-law. I tried to explain how I felt and that I couldn’t possibly cope with it. But it was a 60th. I went. I have resented it ever since. Things went downhill from there. It shows complete lack of respect for you and your feelings. Families can be so selfish!

If it’s down the road, you might have to suck it up but just go for 2 hours max. If it’s miles away, no. But whatever you do, know that the early days of dealing with in-laws sets the tone for the rest of your marriage!

I quite understand that you are worried about the dogs - I would feel uncomfortable about the safety of the baby in those circumstances.
But I think not to go and not to let the baby go is a bit unfair, could you really not just go for. couple of hours? How close do in-laws live? Could you and the little one just go for lunch? Or an hour before lunch, and then come home, you could plead baby nap time and your own work.
Otherwise just say you've got an arrangements clash and you and the baby look forward to seeing SiL in a few weeks time as agreed.

It shows complete lack of respect for you and your feelings. Families can be so selfish!

It's lunch. They've invited her for lunch. That's all. How is that showing her a lack of respect?
MIL wants SIL, who lives away, to meet her niece. It could be said that OP is showing a lack of respect by vetoing that for no real reason. She's not respecting her dh either by not allowing him to take her.

Otherwise just say you've got an arrangements clash and you and the baby look forward to seeing SiL in a few weeks time as agreed.

And is OP's state of mind going to be any better in two weeks?

Let DH take them and take advantage of the break from 2 kids to sleep or watch tv or just do anything you want. I actively encourage my DH to frequently visit his family for the whole afternoon with the kids but not me...bliss

YANBU to not go yourself but YABU to stop DH taking DD. I get your anxious but you can’t control every situation and I think if you just let this happen you will see yourself it’s all fine.

Step taking work home to do in the evening, it's impacting on your family time, that's not fair on and DCs.

Don't go if you don't want too, but I think that's is a BU.

Your DH can go, take both children and give you a break you so clearly need,

I can understand. My husband has ADHD and I could not have relied on him to keep preschoolers safe in that situation. He would get distracted and that led to some hairy situations over time. It was that way with even just one child in his charge. That in itself was exhausting as I could never switch off. So, if you have an issue with your husband being capable of caring for both children, I can understand this can be a real issue. OTOH, if you don't have this concern, then think about it.

Something I think you need to think about is how long is this going to go on? Is this a temporary transitional stress for you or are you not going to be able to manage any extended family for as long as you're in this job? That is an issue as it benefits no-one, including yourself, to have such a stressed and tired mother all the time.

Do you have executive functioning difficulties? Could this contribute to your difficulties with transitioning back to work? Just offering as food for thought as, if you think your son has ADHD, it came from somewhere. It's likely there's a parent who also has ADHD.

I have talked this through with DH. He's really understanding and supportive and I absolutely do not want my anxiety to lead to me being controlling. The problem is, ds needs so much one to one attention with his needs and obviously at 10 months, so does dd.
Maybe I should just let DH take them both but I am anxious about it because he's never taken them anywhere as a two.

For myself, I just don't want to be there feeling like this. I'm a teacher and the class I'm with are difficult. I'm raising my voice all day, sorting tough kids and by Saturday, I'm drained. I think it's just hit me quite hard getting back into teaching whilst now being a mum of two. Hopefully it will get easier.

You need to address your anxiety it will get worse otherwise. Go see your gp. I've been where you are

I'm in therapy for my anxiety, still under a perinatal team. Plus, on medication.
This is a long standing problem I have. I just wish my in laws would just offer the tiniest but of empathy. If they did, I might feel it's safe to just go round to theirs and say if I don't feel right. But there's like a pressure that I have to be OK in front of them. Anything you talk to them about it always 'fine' or 'wonderful'. I'm not suggesting that their positivity isn't good but neither is feeling like you can't let your guard down at all and repressing all emotion.

Hardly....

@Thecatswhiskers07

How will your op ever be able to cope with them of you prevent him doing it?

Do you cope with parenting them on your own?

YABU to not allow your DH to take both children.
Nothing you've written changes that 🤷‍♀️

But there's like a pressure that I have to be OK in front of them. Anything you talk to them about it always 'fine' or 'wonderful'. I'm not suggesting that their positivity isn't good but neither is feeling like you can't let your guard down at all and repressing all emotion.

But you manage to control that at work. You have to be OK in front of the kids. So it's doable.

As a compromise I can only suggest that you go round with dh for half an hour so that the baby can meet auntie, but say that you can't stay for lunch because of (insert reason such as baby needing her nap)

@Thecatswhiskers07 I understand and I think you just need to accept that they not going to offer any empathy or ask you how you feel - they don't care. Not meaning to be harsh but just accept it and that they won't change - it's quite freeing. It also gives you a good excuse to avoid them. Life is too short to spend the afternoon somewhere you hate.

If you had a vomiting bug or similar you wouldn't go, our mental health is just as important. You don't need to justify yourself to anyone, if you don't feel up to it don't do it. You've recognised you're burning out so don't add fuel to that fire.

I'd maybe take the suggestion of your husband taking both kids and having that break. Even with the potential needs of your other kid, I'm sure he'll manage with the assistance of others just fine.

Have a rest, you'll feel the benefit. As someone who's been in similar position of late, take my word for it.

I am assuming there are going to be four adults in the room, I cant see your DD being mauled to death by a dog. Personally I would relish the idea of no kids for an afternoon!

However, I would suck it up and go. I know its hard, I have a strained relationship with my sister, but for the sake of my parents I fake it until I can make it. Its probably easier than the consequences.

YABU. I opened this thread expecting you to be dreading a week long stay or something with in laws and thinking ‘I’d be dreading it too but you have to make the effort with family’ only to find you’re complaining about and refusing to go to ONE LUNCH. Cmon OP, this isn’t normal behaviour. You absolutely cannot tell your DP not to take his own child to see his family

Also - yes i know this is a misogynistic comment but in my experience men with young kids always get way more help than women with young kids. Your DH will full on have family members falling over themselves to take your kids and look after them

A small family gathering seems like the perfect opportunity for DH to be in charge of both DC for the first time. They will all muddle through as best they can and i'm sure you would benefit from the me time. It's not going to get any easier to manage both DC for a very long time so the sooner you allow DH to step up, the better.

I don’t think anyone would argue you should go, if you need to stay home and rest. It also sounds like you and DH have discussed it, and agree with it being easier for both of you if he just takes DS. This is also fine & doesn’t make you controlling.

Sometimes it’s ok to put yourself first, on this occasion a quiet day at home bonding with DD will do you both the world of good. Probably DS will appreciate not having to share the adults’ attention with his baby sister for once. 💐

Have your family met your Dad?

How old is your older child? Why has your DC never taken them anywhere together?
Forget lunch, next weekend he needs to take them both out for the day whilst you get some much needed down time! You really sound as if you need a break and that is how you start to get them!