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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don't want to go to the inlaws

128 replies

Thecatswhiskers07 · 24/05/2022 22:24

My in laws have invited us round at the weekend for lunch as dh's sister is coming and lives in another part of the country.

I've recently returned to work after having dd. We've also got a 3 yo. Over the last few weeks, I've really struggled with juggling the pressures of work with children and home. Plus, having to bring work home and staying up late to do it after dc are asleep. I suffer with chronic anxiety anyway and recently I've started having panic attacks again (I used to get them) and nights of insomnia. I know I'm suffering from burn out and overtiredness.

Anyway, they want us to go round for lunch and I just really don't feel up to it. By the weekend, I just don't want to do much at all, let alone be all smiley and chatty with the in laws. It's not like I can go round and say I'm not feeling great, I just want to sit quietly. I've mentioned my recent difficulties in brief on accasion to my in laws in the last fews weeks and they don't say anything. I'm not expecting them to say much but they have not uttered one word. They just don't want to know about problems, everything has to be fine for them.

My DH and son will still go at the weekend but I don't want 10 month old dd going if I'm not going. Reason being, dh's sister is bringing her dogs who are a bit nuts and dd is crawling on everything atm. So that worries me. Also dd doesn't know dh's family very well and she's quite clingy and sensitive so doesn't cope well with different people.

My DH rang his parents to explain all this and his mum was very off with him. Her main concern was that dh's sister hadn't seen dd yet. That's true but that's been her choice. She could have come before (dd is 10 months now) but she's never shown any interest in her neice and nephew.

AIBU or should my in laws be a little more empathetic to my situation at present?

OP posts:
TimeToChangeItUpNow · 24/05/2022 23:59

*DH not DC!

Original poster
Thecatswhiskers07 · 25/05/2022 00:05

TimeToChangeItUpNow · 24/05/2022 23:59

How old is your older child? Why has your DC never taken them anywhere together?
Forget lunch, next weekend he needs to take them both out for the day whilst you get some much needed down time! You really sound as if you need a break and that is how you start to get them!

Because ds has behavioural problems and is under assessment for adhd, we try to do things altogether or just take one each to make things easier. Ds is 3.

OP posts:
Kellykukoo · 25/05/2022 00:24

Don't be too hard on yourself. It can be overwhelming to have to put on a happy face when all you want to do is rest in your own space. You can give yourself permission to be a little bit self centered until you feel less anxious and up to socialising again. You need enough downtime during the weekend to recuperate from the past week and be able to handle the coming week.
And I agree with PP that a 10 month old is still too attached to you to go out for a long stretch during the day. I can't imagine you'd feel rested if you were worrying about the baby and the dog.
Maybe give your husband and inlaws a vague time frame when you think things might begin to get back to normal to manage their expectations and reduce your anxiety around any future socialising.

PiffleWiffleWoozle · 25/05/2022 00:32

YANBU not to go and let DH take kids

yANBU if you want to be there to look after youngest

yABU if you don’t go and don’t let your youngest go and see their grandparents

alphons · 25/05/2022 00:39

Your PILs are allowed to be who they are. If that’s being unable to empathise with your anxiety - well that’s how they are. They’re not doing anything wrong, this is just how they are. They have a life and experience outside of you. They’re not demanding you attend on penalty of excommunication. They accept your decision. Your disappointment in them is just that - all yours.

You are also allowed to be who you are. You know you struggle with anxiety, you’re getting help. Good luck, wish you every best in dealing with it. You’re doing all the right things.

You're not allowed to veto DH in what he’s allowed to do with his child, when it comes to something like this. On this YABU. He’s entitled to be with his child, he’s entitled to take her to his family seeing as there’s nothing wrong with them. Your anxiety is cannot trump his right to his child. There will be at least 4 adults there. They will all be on alert for the dogs, it’s their DGD/DN/DD fgs. It will be fine.

You’re under pressure. Don’t hold tight onto this to feel under control. You’ll suffer the consequences. Let it go.

Sh05 · 25/05/2022 00:52

If she's desperate to see your kids then maybe she should pop round to yours and leave the dogs at her parents house for a couple of hours.
If she's travelling a distance to see her parents I'm sure she can travel a little more.
Why are they expecting you to jump hoops with two little ones when it would be so much easier for her to come to you.
Why does the meeting of her nephew and niece have to happen at her parents home and not theirs?

Sh05 · 25/05/2022 00:56

Plus it sounds as if you and DH are on the same page but now he feels pressured into taking both children on his own by his mum.
Just change the plan completely and invite her over to yours, tell her she's free to drop in and see your children before she returns home but you are unable to visit your in-laws, So long as your DH is in agreement

Jjnbftgkhfrvjudv · 25/05/2022 01:00

Thecatswhiskers07 · 24/05/2022 22:32

DH is taking ds. I suppose I'm anxious that DH will be distracted with ds (who has suspected ADHD and is full on) and catching up with his sister. An elderly relative is going who will need attention from the in laws. They'll also be cooking and flapping around in the kitchen (always happens). So I'm worried about dd being cared for, especially with the crazy dogs there too.

I mean could you just ask DH if he feels capable looking after them both without you? If he says yes let them go or if he says no keep DD with you.

timeisnotaline · 25/05/2022 01:12

This reply has been deleted

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

If he’s never taken both kids anywhere before he can’t want to take them both that much! I completely agree that sil could have come around anytime and you don’t owed her a dd delivery for lunch.

romany4 · 25/05/2022 01:19

breatheintheamazing · 24/05/2022 22:42

Would your answer be the same if it was your parents 🤔

This!!

Bogeyes · 25/05/2022 03:05

Crazy dogs....no thanks.

sleepygal · 25/05/2022 04:50

saraclara · 24/05/2022 23:13

It shows complete lack of respect for you and your feelings. Families can be so selfish!

It's lunch. They've invited her for lunch. That's all. How is that showing her a lack of respect?
MIL wants SIL, who lives away, to meet her niece. It could be said that OP is showing a lack of respect by vetoing that for no real reason. She's not respecting her dh either by not allowing him to take her.

If SiL wants to meet her neice she could drop in and visit (without dogs). Why does the OP have to jump to attention when MIL snaps her fingers?

Confusednewmum1 · 25/05/2022 05:00

His sister has chosen not to visit and you don’t feel up to it, simple as. Let Dh go with DS and you stay at home. Like you said SIL is visiting again soon. If your MIL sounds a bit off - then you’re winning at life because sometimes MIL can be total C. The way yo look at it is, in 5 years will MIL remember you missed lunch that day - no probably not…… In 5 years will you remember that time you dragged yourself out, unwell frightened of having/ did have a panic attack. Yes you will and you will regret putting yourself through it.

It’s lunch and who cares the fact that MIL has mentioned SIL not having seen the baby yet, is her insecurity.

However, I would express more than your not feeling up to it and you want a bit of rest with DD. Dog people can be very sensitive about their dogs. Xx

A580Hojas · 25/05/2022 05:10

I'm afraid I think yabu. You've been invited to lunch by your dh's family and you are making a massive deal out of it. You will not feel better for turning them down and they will be hurt. Sure, it's your anxiety making you blow it all up like this but the best way to handle anxiety is head towards it. Don't be the one who trashes what should be nice social occasions because you thinkvyou can't face whatever.

ShandaLear · 25/05/2022 05:15

This sounds like a load of excuses for not doing something instead of working out how to manage it effectively. If you don’t want to go just say that, but YABU to not trust your DH to take your 10 month old. Of course your in laws are perfectly capable of keeping her safe - they managed to raise at least two children of their own. Your DH is as much her parent as you are and it is absolutely not unreasonable for him to want to spend time with his children and family together.

A580Hojas · 25/05/2022 05:26

"Why dies the OP have to jump to attention when MIL snaps her fingers"

Pmsl. Mil has invited them all to lunch ffs. I bet op's dh would be disappointed NOT to receive an invitation if he rarely sees his sister. What tf was Mil supposed to do? Just ignore op and her dh?

Skinterior · 25/05/2022 05:43

Go. It's three hours out of your life max and you get someone else cooking lunch. DH has your DS and you have DD on your knee. If you're really lucky someone might offer to do the nappy (stranger things have happened)

The brownie points will be banked and your MIL (maybe) will appreciate that you made the effort.

However if you're anxious enough that you can't cope with it all, maybe a chat with the GP would help? Unless of course the anxiety is based on your MIL. Then do what you want as your relationship is probably crappy anyway.

Aubriella · 25/05/2022 06:25

YANBU. Very telling that when DH told her you are not well and eon’t be coming, MIL’s only concern was not seeing the baby and zero concern for you.

As they never show any concern for you, you don’t need to be concerned about their disappointment. You’ve been polite, now enjoy your time with dd and take it easy.

Aubriella · 25/05/2022 06:27

I think lots of people are missing the fact OP’s in laws seem to have very little regard for her.

ittakes2 · 25/05/2022 06:34

Please google inattentive adhd and see if this makes sense to you. ADHD can be hereditary and people born as females often have inattentive adhd where they have a hyperactive mind rather than the physically hyperactive type. Poor sleep, sensory overload, struggling to manage time and feeling over whelmed can be part of it. Undiagnosed severe anxiety is common.

SleepQuest33 · 25/05/2022 06:42

You are tired and not managing work vs home life well. These people are your in laws, not some strangers you need to entertain.
just take this lunch as an opportunity to take time off the routine. It is only lunch!

custardbear · 25/05/2022 06:46

It sounds like you need a long break, more than a day, but take this opportunity to let your DH have the children and be home, rest, don't do anything daft like housework, just rest and stop. They will be fine, I also do this from time to time and they're all fine when they come back. Just tell your DH your worries and ask him to be kind to you and let you know he'll keep them away from the dogs and perhaps even the dogs should stay in the garden or rooms they aren't near your children

Heronwatcher · 25/05/2022 07:05

I do sympathise, but I think YABU to do both. I think you either have to go, or let DH take both kids on his own. It’s only a lunch! The only other thing would be for you to host everyone else shortly thereafter which sounds mad but maybe you could get your DH to host, then you could go upstairs and chill. But I do understand your MIL’s position as it sounds like she’s just sad not to have the chance to host as many of the family as possible.

Shinyandnew1 · 25/05/2022 07:07

For a few hours lunch I would just go or let DH go with DD. I wouldn’t pretend everything was ‘wonderful’ though. I would tell them what’s going on and expect DH to be honest.

Is it half term next week where you are so you’re not at work Monday?

Have you gone back full time? Maybe you need to see a doctor for a chat about how you’re feeling?

MintyMoocow · 25/05/2022 07:12

Of course you have to go, when you marry you acquire family obligations. It’s only lunch, if you really feel that bad then see a doctor.
You never know, if you go you might enjoy yourself, at least it might take your mind off your own issues?