To think that this exchange was fundamentally sexist

[CaptainBeakyandhisband]

I’ve just got home from the gym after doing the school run (I have a rare morning off). I was just putting the key in the door and the chap who lives at the bottom of the street was walking past with his dog. I smiled and said hello because I know who he is and the conversation went a little like this:

Man: oh I don’t suppose you’d like to come and be our home help?
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that
Man: (a little less convincing) we are looking for a home help, would you be interested?
Me: um, well, I work full time so I think I’d struggle to be honest
Man: I see, well, it’s just that our daughter has moved home with her dog and it’s all a bit chaotic and messy and we could really do with someone to help out a few hours a week
Me: riiiight
Man: it’s just that you have such a nice smile, I thought maybe you would be interested
Me: blinks
Man: so if you hear of someone, maybe you could let me know?
Me: sure, good luck with that!

there is no way he would have asked a man that question. It’s very presumptuous that I even have the time to do something like that. And (although I’ll be slated), it’s a pretty nice, affluent area, it’s not likely that any of the neighbours are struggling, or if they are it wouldn’t be the kind of struggle that a few hours sorting his house out would be able to help with.

I’ll have to go and pick my jaw up off the floor now … but that was totally sexist right?!

Bloody hell. Just. Wow

what an absolute belter. That’s the kind of thing I’d be thinking of witty/rude comebacks for weeks after.

I mean, yes, a deep rooted assumption that only women can do low skilled cleaning/care work but on the reverse, he may have felt more comfortable with a woman in his home than a man, so sexism against men iyswim too?

My DM wanted her hedge cut recently and her fence fixed. She wouldn't have considered a woman due to needing a man's strength, otherwise she'd have done it herself. Is that sexism too?

Weird, just weird. It says more about his social skills than anything else. Put it to one side and don't let it ruin your morning off!

Blimey.

Not just the content - he has Sexist Man's Deafness Syndrome.

You had to tell him no THREE TIMES before he managed to accept that - when a woman says NO, she means NO ...

I imagine he's totally unaware of his entitled sexism, & would be initially bewildered, & then patronising, & then huffy, if the error of his ways was pointed out.

It is indeed sexist. But also, even if it wasn't sexist, it would still be totally fucking weird.

Wow... I think it is more the assumption you have nothing better to do and are not working. And the smile comment creeped me out.

I get the safety argument by wanting another female to help with his daughter's place but, I mean there are professionals who can do this sort of thing.

Was he an older gentleman who perhaps has not quite caught up with modern world?

Yup. Sexist and just a bloody odd thing to ask anyway. Makes me wonder if he's altogether there.

Oh but you have a nice smile OP, so you should be so honoured that he thinks you're pretty enough to have in his house. He wants a nice pretty lady around the house to clean up after his lazy daughter.

I haven’t explained well. It’s not his daughter’s place. It is his home, where he lives with his wife and (now) adult daughter. And he thinks that he might be able to pay me to clean up after them. Several times a week apparently 🤷‍♀️ I have a fucking PhD!

Yes, totally sexist.

Re the needing a man's strength, I disagree on that @TibetanTerrah .

I'm a weakling, but to fix a fence and cut a hedge, although I couldn't do it myself, my neighbour could because she's stronger than me.

There are some jobs you need a man's strength for and some jobs you don't and some equipment you can have which gets round the need for strength.

If a woman is doing a handyman job, I assume she has the strength/ equipment to do it properly, so not to employ her because she's a woman would be sexist, unless she specifically tells you she can't do it. IMO.

Yes of course it is! Female fencers and hedge cutters exist, you don’t need a male body in order to wield a power tool.

Not sexist to say men are stronger than women. But sexist to insist that only a man can do a physical job which can be done by anyone reasonably able bodied provided they have the tools and the training.

Agree @ScreamingBeans - I’m pretty strong for my size, but I’m not very tall. My husband is strong but he’s also taller, and so for some jobs he just has longer levers to work with!

Hmmm to start with most definitely 100 % YANBU and it was absolutely sexist. But I thought it would be interesting to try break down his logic:

1. as a woman you clearly don't work and also probably (shown by the fact that you were in gym gear) have no idea or interest in being able to drive a motor vehicle either.
2. he is fabulously wealthy in comparison to all his neighbours so his offer of low paid employment from this "local lord of the manor" would be snapped up by the local starving peasants.
3. as a woman your employment prospects only go as far as house keeping, anything more than that would scramble your fragile female mind.
4. the "you have a nice smile" so I thought you would be interested is off the scale slimy / creepy and makes me want to 🤮. So he's probably a sadistic serial killer as well.

What a lovely way to start your day !!!

Your neighbour is a wanker Op😬

My DM wanted her hedge cut recently and her fence fixed. She wouldn't have considered a woman due to needing a man's strength, otherwise she'd have done it herself.

Unless your DM randomly accosted a total stranger, who had given zero indication that he was looking for work, in the street and said 'I was wondering if you'd like to fix my fence?' on the basis that he just happened to be a man, her situation is not comparable to one the OP is describing.

Is that sexism too?

Yes. Yes it is.

Just because your mother isn't strong enough to cut a hedge and fix a fence herself, that doesn't mean only a man could do it. I've done both those things before in my own garden. My mum does absolutely loads of heavy garden work, including landscaping, and she's in her 70s.

Omg @1dayatatime i think you know him! Point 2 is spectacularly accurate. I’ve lost count of the number of times both he and his wife have asserted that they considered buying our house (and selling theirs which is smaller) but would have needed to spend double our renovation budget in order to make it habitable 🙄

Sexist and creepy a.f.
Honestly it's a wonder we all don't just stop smiling at men completely.

@ScreamingBeans tbf, and not wishing to derail, the hedge in particular was a big job (very out of control). DM has a decent, but heavy, trimmer and I'm young(ish), strong and fit and I tried and couldn't manage, so she got a man in.

There's a nuance to the OP i think. If he asked because she has a "friendly face" (in his mind, I know what words he used) and he'd feel comfortable with her in his home thats one thing, if he asked because she has a "nice smile" and itd be pleasant for him to watch her clean around after him, then gross and sexist.

I would guess that he maybe thought you were a cleaner arriving for work rather than the home owner, so he was offering you extra work rather than just assuming that a woman would want to come and be a home help. Perhaps because you were in gym kit? (My cleaner wears gym kit for work.)

I had similar situations probably a million times, I stopped even being bothered about it. But I am not only a woman, but also Eastern European, so cleaning is pretty much the only thing that comes to mind of many people.

@TinyViolins no he definitely knows who I am. We’ve been neighbours for 3 years

I suspect in your gym clothes, and the fact you were there when you arent normally he didn't realise it was you and thought you were the cleaner letting yourself in. But yes sexist because he assumed a woman was a cleaner rather than a plumber/builder whatever. The mans an idiot if he thinks a nice smile makes a good cleaner - but also sexists.

Tbf I have a fucking PhD as well but cleaning wouldn't be beneath me if needs be.

@CaptainBeakyandhisband

"Omg @1dayatatime i think you know him! "

+++

Fortunately in his case not but sadly I have met way way too many of his types over the years. FFS its 2022 and it's like some people have just time jumped from the 1800s!!!

Sorry starting to rant now ...

Do you not have to tidy up or clean anything in your own home if you have a phd?

A kindly and charitable explanation of a potential misunderstanding.

However I think a more likely explanation is that OPs neighbour is simply a sexist self inflated wanker that thoroughly deserves a hard kick in the balls.

But maybe that is just my reading of the situation.

Sorry the anger is starting to come out now 😀