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Original poster

To think that this exchange was fundamentally sexist

120 replies

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 24/05/2022 10:32

I’ve just got home from the gym after doing the school run (I have a rare morning off). I was just putting the key in the door and the chap who lives at the bottom of the street was walking past with his dog. I smiled and said hello because I know who he is and the conversation went a little like this:

Man: oh I don’t suppose you’d like to come and be our home help?
Me: I’m sorry, I didn’t quite catch that
Man: (a little less convincing) we are looking for a home help, would you be interested?
Me: um, well, I work full time so I think I’d struggle to be honest
Man: I see, well, it’s just that our daughter has moved home with her dog and it’s all a bit chaotic and messy and we could really do with someone to help out a few hours a week
Me: riiiight
Man: it’s just that you have such a nice smile, I thought maybe you would be interested
Me: blinks
Man: so if you hear of someone, maybe you could let me know?
Me: sure, good luck with that!

there is no way he would have asked a man that question. It’s very presumptuous that I even have the time to do something like that. And (although I’ll be slated), it’s a pretty nice, affluent area, it’s not likely that any of the neighbours are struggling, or if they are it wouldn’t be the kind of struggle that a few hours sorting his house out would be able to help with.

I’ll have to go and pick my jaw up off the floor now … but that was totally sexist right?!

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 11:46

Sorry to hijack thread, I have told him that she doesn't want you to look at her through the window, he has asked why and I have said because it makes her feel uncomfortable.
Doesn't seem like a hijack to me, seems totally relevant @Goldenbear !
The correct answer to his "why", btw, is -
"because I fucking say so & it's rude."

My DH is very blunt with him and will say, 'can you stop doing this or that'. Equally, my 15 year old son, her big brother will go outside and doesn't have any issue telling him to go away or stop staring.
& I bet he doesn't say "why?" to DH or DS, does he?
He might even stop daring to question YOU, if you stop explaining & start telling.

forinborin · 24/05/2022 11:48

I'd been trying for ages to fix my fence and cut the hedge by bashing them with my tits, and nothing happened.
Shame you don't live next to Goldenbear's pervy neighbour, sound like that would have been a win win scenario Grin Grin

viques · 24/05/2022 11:52

CaptainBeakyandhisband · 24/05/2022 10:46

I haven’t explained well. It’s not his daughter’s place. It is his home, where he lives with his wife and (now) adult daughter. And he thinks that he might be able to pay me to clean up after them. Several times a week apparently 🤷‍♀️ I have a fucking PhD!

To be fair to sexist man with dog, he doesn’t give a cuss about your PhD, as far as he ( and sadly the rest of the world it appears) is concerned possessing womanly characteristics is enough to ensure that you can plug in a hoover and wield a duster.

Though I suppose a domestic Angel with a PhD is a good talking point at dinner parties.

” Our cleaner has a PhD you know”

”Really? How interesting, our gardener is actually a neuro surgeon, though of course she is from Iran so it’s not the same. Is your cleaner’s PhD from a Russell Group, or just a red brick?”

HideousKinky · 24/05/2022 12:00

I had a neighbour who rang me up wanting me to come over to his house several mornings a week to type up his cricketing memoirs (yawn....)

He seemed to think he was doing me a favour

Triffid1 · 24/05/2022 12:01

It's absolutely sexist. But what sort of amazes me is HOW ridiculous it is - it almost feels like he has some serious social awareness issues.

I observed a slightly odd but similar experience in a cafe the other day where an elderly gentleman was making loud and inappropriate comments to the (young, female) staff (albeit, not at all sexual). I couldn't work out if it was pure sexism - "I am a bi important man and you are a young woman so you must do what I say and listen to me pontificate" or whether he maybe had some developmental issues.

Which, as Dh pointed out, is quite sad ie that I couldn't tell the difference.

SarahDippity · 24/05/2022 12:02

I’d be very tempted to call round to his house, and knock on the door. Say to him (though hopefully his wife will answer the door!) you’d been puzzled by his question, and having reflected on it, you wondered had he mistaken you for someone else. It would be very satisfying to hear him explain his reasoning for thinking you’d be interested in giving up your job to be his home help.

maddy68 · 24/05/2022 12:03

I don't think thats sexist. He's looking for a home help. He has asked if you are interested or do you know someone that might be? You seemed friendly

Redouble · 24/05/2022 12:06

She wouldn't have considered a woman due to needing a man's strength, otherwise she'd have done it herself. Is that sexism too?

Yes, that's sexism. You need someone strong enough to do the job. Whether they are male or female shouldn't come into it.

Discounting all women because women are percieved as the weaker sex is sexist.

Original poster
CaptainBeakyandhisband · 24/05/2022 12:06

Of course I don’t think that people with PhD’s don’t have to clean or that cleaners can’t also be highly qualified. It’s more that he’s always so respectful to my DH who is obviously a very important man, but it seems alien to him that a woman might want to work or be highly qualified. Though since the pandemic I do work from home so he may well assume I don’t work.

OP posts:
Redouble · 24/05/2022 12:07

I was with you until you said I have a fucking PhD

You sound very judgemental and not very nice at all.

Goldenbear · 24/05/2022 12:08

😄, can you imagine.

KettrickenSmiled, yes, you are right of course but then he throws the dying stuff in and obviously that is not nice for him but I don't really know what to say.

He never asks my husband why or DS in fact I said to DH exactly that. He makes his bikini comments when DH is not around so he would never say that at the weekend. He also said to me that I am not trying to offend but if your husband went to Thailand he'd never return, the ladies over there know how to look after themselves, dress smartly, nice make up etc. I did turn around with that charming comment and say that is offensive and went inside. The dumpy comment my DS overheard through the front window and did say, 'did he just say that and told him to 'f off' but the neighbour didn't hear. Obviously, I don't think DS should swear at old people but that generation is so aware of misogyny and have that self awareness that in his school some boys have actually been socially excluded because they have said shocking misogynistic stuff online or been inappropriate towards girls. I can't believe the changes in attitudes when I think what secondary school in the 90s was like!

Iamnotamermaid · 24/05/2022 12:17

maddy68 · 24/05/2022 12:03

I don't think thats sexist. He's looking for a home help. He has asked if you are interested or do you know someone that might be? You seemed friendly

I think the fact he asked her because she 'has a nice smile' puts a special spin on it for me.

He strikes me as one of the blocks who would make a 'keep smiling' comment in the street.

I would be tempted to get a business card from a professional cleaner and put it through his letter box. Might be easier than accosting random female neighbours with 'nice smiles'.

Goldenbear · 24/05/2022 12:17

And I didn't mean just offensive to me.

KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 12:21

HideousKinky · 24/05/2022 12:00

I had a neighbour who rang me up wanting me to come over to his house several mornings a week to type up his cricketing memoirs (yawn....)

He seemed to think he was doing me a favour

@HideousKinky I can see this taking off as a low-key British cult classic film.

Obvs Kate Winslet plays you, & unfortunately I can see no option but to cast Bill Nye as Mr self-important Cricket Bore.

MelanieBelanie · 24/05/2022 12:28

I think he thought you were the cleaner then realised it was you and tried to backtrack with the "nice smile" stuff.

KarenLovesRosario · 24/05/2022 12:30

maddy68 · 24/05/2022 12:03

I don't think thats sexist. He's looking for a home help. He has asked if you are interested or do you know someone that might be? You seemed friendly

Nothing wrong with just saying "Do you happen to know anyone that does whatever the job is ?"
Guess what, if the OP did that job it would come out in the conversation

KettrickenSmiled · 24/05/2022 12:30

KettrickenSmiled, yes, you are right of course but then he throws the dying stuff in and obviously that is not nice for him but I don't really know what to say.
@Goldenbear he only throws in the dying stuff to manipulate you.
For all you know it's not even true - some folk love to exaggerate. (Did you post that he's been in imminent danger of death for 2 years now?!)

He also said to me that I am not trying to offend but if your husband went to Thailand he'd never return, the ladies over there know how to look after themselves, dress smartly, nice make up etc. I did turn around with that charming comment and say that is offensive and went inside.
Well done.
Although of course he won;t understand he's being offensive to all Thai women - he'll imagine that you are 'jealous'.
Because women are nothing more than automatons, existing to serve men's aesthetic pleasures, & we get All Upset if we are not the prettiest automaton ...

The dumpy comment my DS overheard through the front window and did say, 'did he just say that and told him to 'f off' but the neighbour didn't hear. Obviously, I don't think DS should swear at old people but that generation is so aware of misogyny and have that self awareness
Take a leaf out of your son's book next time!
"Even if you are on your death bed you are not to stare at my daughter. Do you understand, or do I need to be even more blunt?"
& don't let him bluster - just walk away from him.

Justwanttotravel · 24/05/2022 12:36

I have a phd 🤔
Is it not also sexist to assume he wouldn’t have asked a man?

catandcoffee · 24/05/2022 12:39

It's just because you have a nice smile... fuck off mate is my answer.

WombatNo12 · 24/05/2022 12:43

Our neighbours often ask us for help, normally asking specifically for either me or DH. I make a point of lifting the lawnmower into the car & sent DH around when it was a caring issue. We love to help them as they're fab neighbours but I'm not having that help assigned on a gender basis. 😊

OhNoWhatYouGonnaDo · 24/05/2022 12:43

Redouble · 24/05/2022 12:07

I was with you until you said I have a fucking PhD

You sound very judgemental and not very nice at all.

No, she doesn't. Of course it's relevant. A person with a PhD is probably much less likely to be interested in a cleaning job than the average person. I have a similar level of qualification and would literally never take a cleaning job, because even if I wanted to work very part-time or very flexibly, I'd always be able to earn a lot more for using my skills than I would earn cleaning.

EmmaH2022 · 24/05/2022 12:46

Goldenbear · 24/05/2022 12:08

😄, can you imagine.

KettrickenSmiled, yes, you are right of course but then he throws the dying stuff in and obviously that is not nice for him but I don't really know what to say.

He never asks my husband why or DS in fact I said to DH exactly that. He makes his bikini comments when DH is not around so he would never say that at the weekend. He also said to me that I am not trying to offend but if your husband went to Thailand he'd never return, the ladies over there know how to look after themselves, dress smartly, nice make up etc. I did turn around with that charming comment and say that is offensive and went inside. The dumpy comment my DS overheard through the front window and did say, 'did he just say that and told him to 'f off' but the neighbour didn't hear. Obviously, I don't think DS should swear at old people but that generation is so aware of misogyny and have that self awareness that in his school some boys have actually been socially excluded because they have said shocking misogynistic stuff online or been inappropriate towards girls. I can't believe the changes in attitudes when I think what secondary school in the 90s was like!

Swear away.

also, when he mentions dying say "well, we are all waiting for that" and smile.

old and dying is not an excuse to be so obnoxious. Bet he'll live till 103 anyway.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 24/05/2022 12:51

I work with someone who still asks for his hand written documents to be "typed up by the typing girls"

It's fucking ridiculous.

Comedycook · 24/05/2022 12:54

If you're wfh, I reckon he has assumed you're a housewife who might like to pick up some pin money doing some chores for them. Very old fashioned mindset

Goldenbear · 24/05/2022 12:55

kettrickenSmiled, yes I think he doe exaggerate or even out and out lie, it has been about 2 years since he told me this. He once told me that he had lived with Cher for a bit as he used to be a photographer like David Bailey, worked with him apparently, he also said that he had 14 siblings none of them alive anymore and none of them had children. This only comes up as he says he is lonely. He also said that two of sisters died rolling down a hill near a castle, my DH thinks this is obviously BS.

Oh women are definitely commodities, objects and by implication not as bright as men. He told my DH that he needs to teach me how to reverse on to my drive as he saw me having difficulties, DH was 🤣 what are you on about! I also have an office i sometimes have to go and work in or have meetings in and he told me to be careful drobing to this town which is about 30 mims away and it was ashame I had to do that not my DH!