WIBU to ask why people are so weird about cry it out?

[Worried675]

OK, I know already how this is going to go and what views about this are on Mumsnet, but my question I guess is why people are so against cry it out methods? Recent research showed no differences in babies' behaviour/happiness/attachment etc. between cry it out and other sleep training methods. I'm always surprised by how strongly people are against it, especially as anyone born in the 80s or before probably were trained that way.

Enlighten me! Is using cry it out unreasonable? Why/why not?

That actually made me 😂 thanks I needed that (and I'm not even being sarcastic!).

I didn't use cry it out, but I did use the Ferber Method (which a lot of people confuse with CIO) when my son was 6 months old. I think teaching self-soothing and providing a restful and long nightly sleep is crucial for child development. My son is thriving because he can now sleep properly each night. Waking every 45 minutes was making me a poor parent and making my son miserable.

For me it just goes against every instinct. I think about how tiny and helpless babies are and can't ever imagine not doing everything possible to soothe them. We know that children learn to regulate their emotions by having trusted adults help them do it. We know that even adults need comforting, nurturing and loving and wouldn't ignore our partner's distress. Babies need more than full tummies and clean dry and warm clothes. They need to feel safe and secure, they need to feel loved and they need to hear the voice and feel the heartbeat and breathing of a loved one

Because I could never leave my child to cry knowing I could easily make him feel better with just a cuddle.

And leaving a baby to cry until they give in isn't teaching them to "self settle" its a bullshit term anyway that you can't possibly expect young children and babies to have the emotional intelligence and regulation to calm themselves down when they're scared or upset, never mind hungry, thirsty, uncomfortable. All you've done is teach them not to waste their energy crying because no one will help them. Not something I want my child to learn tbh.

Because I consider it abuse.

Letting a child who can't sleep carry on not sleeping for months/years is also abuse.

"Abuse" is such a flexible word, isn't it?

Absolutely!

@SleeplessInEngland

Letting a child who can't sleep carry on not sleeping for months/years is also abuse.

🙄 I think you need to go for a walk. It's a lovely sunny ☀️ day.

@Bambi7 whats your opinion on a few nights of controlled crying (which the op clarified a few posts in was more what she meant)? As opposed to full on cry it out?

But why post on a thread about sleep training with some very strong opinions about how sleep trained babies are going to be damaged for life, and then say that your opinions are not based on sleep training? Maybe I was rude but surely what you are doing is much worse?

Sorry, do only the anti sleep trainers get to be wildly emotive?

@SnackSizeRaisin

But why post on a thread about sleep training with some very strong opinions about how sleep trained babies are going to be damaged for life, and then say that your opinions are not based on sleep training? Maybe I was rude but surely what you are doing is much worse?

The thread is about 'cry it out' - it says it in the name.

Please don't put words into my mouth.

I never said sleep training is going to damage a child for life.

I said letting a baby / child cry it out is damaging because it is. If you don't agree then that is your prerogative.

Babies / children just learn that when they cry their primary care giver doesn't respond to their needs. They cannot emotional regulate and they need to know they can depend on us.

@SleeplessInEngland

Sorry, do only the anti sleep trainers get to be wildly emotive?

But I'm not being 'wildly emotive'. I'm being respect. I find you and a few others on here quite rude to be honest but I guess that's how you get your point across by putting others down.

Respectful

When you say “cry it out” what do you mean, many have different interpretations? Are you literally not checking on your baby all night or are you checking in at 2 minute intervals ?

I would have to understand what that entailed but a few nights isn't going to cause any deep seated issues. As long as the approach isn't getting them use to the caregiver not responding to their needs.

I'm off to walk the dog now. I do think it's important to keep posts respectful.

But I'm not being 'wildly emotive'. I'm being respect. I find you and a few others on here quite rude to be honest but I guess that's how you get your point across by putting others down.

I was responding to a separate poster mocking their use of 'abuse'. Yes, that is 'wildly emotive'.

And to bring up a separate point, yes - CIO is still sleep training. The parents don't put the screaming baby down and go to the pub for 5 hours. They wait, monitoring and hoping. Some do it for 10 minutes, some half an hour, some longer. It is 100% a menthod of sleep training, whatever reservations you have about it.

It made me actually hurt to hear my dcs crying when they were babies, still does now but not quite as intensely. Knowing that these tiny children who barely know anything except they love me and are upset are crying and I am ignoring them just felt cruel.

I have only known one person who said they did cry it out and it meant they put their baby in their room at 8pm and then didn’t open the door for anything until 6am. Baby was on another floor so they said they wouldn’t hear much anyway.

That was unspeakably cruel and dangerous in my opinion, but I am sure they are in the minority and most people wouldn’t dream of doing that, they would listen and check and that couple were just an extreme example.

I was definitely referring to the various sleep training methods that involve letting a baby cry. Obviously, I was not referring to just randomly ignoring babies cries! @Bambi7

Fair enough.

Probably needs to be elaborated more on the title. People who don't sleep train won't automatically know what cry it out means. It sounds awful too.

There was a thread on here years ago where a woman had left her newborn all night in a room on his own (crying on and off) and then was worried he seemed floppy in the morning. She was under the impression that this was sleep training, setting a good routine and generally for the best.

Sorry, what is cry it out then? I honestly thought it was just leaving your baby crying until they went to sleep no matter how long it took.

So you came on this thread, misunderstood the OP and didn’t read it properly to see the context it was referring to, gave your expert opinion and argued that what we were all doing was neglectful, but now you’ve understood the OP done a 180 and concluded it’s ok after all.

I see